To be annoyed DH wants to go on a Stag do to Thailand

[FedupwithDisney]

My DH has just announced that one of his best mates (was DH's Best Man) is having his Stag do in Thailand for a week later this year and he will be going.

I am pretty annoyed. Every time I ask him to book time off work to do something as a family I get "it's not a good time at work" "I'm too busy" etc. We do have some family holiday time booked, but it's been a battle to get him to do it. He hasn't even taken all his Paternity leave that he is entitled to as work is "so busy" (DD2 is 12 weeks old). He does have a good job and I understand the pressures but how come he can suddenly take off a week for this?

If he goes I will be at home with a 3yo and a 8 mo. Guess I'll cope, I don't see him much in the week as it is, but I'm annoyed that he'll be away having a ball and I'll be dealing with the kids on my own for a week.

I'm also annoyed about the money. Surely it will cost loads. We're comfortable, but certainly not rolling in it. He gets a bonus in August which he's probably planning on using but I can think of much better things we could spend this money on like trips for the DC's and stuff for the house.

AIBU to be annoyed? He knows I'm pissed off and is sucking up to me big time, making the dinner and tidying up!

He could resent all he likes, if my DH went on something like this he wouldn't be coming back in the front door. He'd really have something to resent then.

Big No. And I agree with this isn't telling him he can't go, this should be the Op telling him No she isn't the live in nanny so he can fly off and live the single life.

@marthas that's why I htink some blokes do this to test their friends. your woamn or me type thing.

wankers.

Thailand? Has the OP's H's friend got more money than sense? Does he think everyone else has money to burn? I'd be very, very pissed off if my DP (if I had one) went off to Thailand for a week and made excuses NOT to go holiday with me and the DC's.

Cliches are cliches (s'cuze lack of accents over the "e"s) for a reason.....

it makes me think of alan partridge too

Also, all the people saying fine when you are younger etc, is not quite true.

As I said upthread I am a childless 20somthing with a duel income and no way in hell would I do this for a friend.

Plus younger people don't have that kind of cash!

My DH was invited to a stag do in Amsterdam a few years ago which I wasn't pleased about. I told him I wasn't happy but that it was his choice - I also said I probably wouldn't be around when he got back. His choice - he didn't go.

happiness, ah, I see.

Wilson, that's a massively broad rationale. I understand the McDonalds analogy, because what McDonalds primarily does is sell meat products. But Thailand, although it has a sex industry, is not primarily about the sex industry. By that rationale, maybe no one should ever go to Japan because some people in Japan eat endangered fish. Or should no one left-wing ever go to the USA because some Americans are extremely right-wing?

I think part of it boils down to whether you trust DH not to have sex with a prostitute. If you do, then Thailand is not the issue.

If the issue is his availability, does he ever make time for family holidays? When you take those is a flexible thing. His best mate's stag do isn't organised with DH's availability in mind.

OP if your best friend was doing something similar, and you had the money to go, would you feel DH could veto it?

I marvel at how much money people spend on weddings these days. If Thailand is the stag do then where is the honeymoon? Is that in Skeggy?

Thailand is the most amazing holiday destination I loved it and I would take my kids of I could afford it, but there's no denying that a group of wealthy men out to have a good time will attract attention even in the hippie island resorts.

LadyClarice I didn't say I wouldn't go to Thailand though - I have been and I would go again - but I wouldn't take a trip to the parts of Thailand that are specifically marketed as being part of the sex industry, and I would try very hard not to participate in activities that support the sex industry. In my bad analogy I'm seeing McDonalds more as Pattaya and Phuket than the entire country IYSWIM

I take your point, but we don't know where the OP's husband's trip is to, do we? And anyway, maybe I'm just being naive but I'm sure it is possible to go to those places and NOT get a cheap blow-job from a hooker!

I should have put a at the end ? that came across a bit aggressive and I didn't mean it to.

I think what "happinessisawarmgun really means is this "OP i have to put up with my DP going away and doing what the fuck he likes,so why shouldnt you"
Shes just not brave enough to actually word it like that in her post!

Not agressive at all and I don't think anyone has said the OP is 'the type'. But someone else upthread put it very well (paraphrasing cos CBA to re-read) 'Would you really want to be in the situation where you're batting away that sort of attention, or worse, realising that your mates aren't batting it away?'

And even being in these situations normalises sex tourism - and I'm not comfortable with that.

But you're right, they might be going fishing or temple touring.

Wow what a lot of small mindedness here. I love Thailand and would immediately agree to the stag do - as long as a second week was added for a family holiday.

Not all stags are looking for sex but only you know what these blokes are like. I think it's really obnoxious to equate Thailand with sex, it is so much more than that.

and then myself and my friend spent an evening speaking to the women about their lives.

Eurgh. How patronising and intrusive of you. I'm sure you meant well but doing that just makes you another voyeur.

YANBU - I've been in thailand lots and lived in asia and thailand although lovely people, friendly, cultured and stunning is the place everyone goes for sex, it's everywhere and totally unavoidable - without wanting to put the willies up you I would seriously ask him to consider you as a family, and think long and hard.

I would also without doubt ask him to have HIV test on his return.. when living in asia the men had them every 6 months it's really rife and unfortunately I wouldn't trust the most trustworthy of men not to get upto something out there.

The issue for me wouldn't be trust - I trust my husband, a man who finds the idea of tattoo's unpleasant and once saw someone pull bunting out of her lady garden at a stag do and came back giggling with his friends in a nervous fashion and rather horrified

So I would trust him not to WANT to partake in any of the sex industry (strange boy also turned down a lap dance on his stag do, whilst BIL went for several, I am quite proud of him!) although accept that there would be pressure for this to happen.

I would be mightily pissed off with him if he couldn't make family time and decided to do this, that would be my clincher - to go on holiday with his mates but not have any plans for us? Unacceptable and his arse would fly out the front door before he could finish the sentence.

In you situation OP I would say calmly that although you trust him 100%, you really don't want him to go on this stag do - especially as you as a family seem to be ranking well below his friends at the moment. He may well be feeling the pressure of 2 dc (not uncommon) but if this is the case he needs to work it through with you at home (perhaps some marriage guidance?) and not bury his head in the sand. I would say to him that for you it is a deal breaker and that if he is seriously going to go and not work on your marriage/family then you both need to have a thought about your long term prospects as it may start with this and then resentment will grow and grow.

OP I know many people who have had a quibble when dc2 arrived, and some after dc1. The ones I admire are the ones that have gone down the road of working it out. It is usually the dh who has caused the issue feeling pressure and some people do equate it to PND in men, but a week in Thailand with his mates ain't going to fix it.

Or you could let him go and I bet he might be on the first flight home as he realises what he has done!

Nobody is equating Thailand with sex, chandelina - except one post, and I think that was tongue-in-cheek. The majority of respondents have BEEN to Thailand and taken pains to point out how much more there is to it.

But the point is (as with Prague, Amsterdam, Tallinn and some other destinations), when a group of men go there for a stag do, they are going for the sex trade which has been highly developed specifically for such visitors.

If not - then, assuming they aren't students of Buddhist history or going on a cookery course - why Thailand? If they want to get drunk somewhere with nice beaches, loads of closer destinations offer that. Same for golf, diving or mountain trekking.

In the absence of known special interests, it's ridiculously naive to suggest there's some other reason for choosing Thailand. What's more, the sex trade is so insistent that a stag who didn't want to 'party' would have the most awful time trying to get away from it.

only you know what these blokes are like

The ones I met were perfectly normal, nice-looking blokes, mostly around 30yo, with good jobs and wives/girlfriends at home.

Would you like them all to have flashing signs on their foreheads?

Stag do in Thailand means one thing.

We were not born yesterday.

Not a hope in hell.

1. My DH has just announced that one of his best mates (was DH's Best Man) is having his Stag for a week, later this year and he will be going
   Doesn't sound like he's discussed it with you

2. Every time I ask him to book time off work to do something as a family I get "it's not a good time at work" "I'm too busy" etc.
   Doesn't he think his family is important enough?

3. We do have some family holiday time booked, but it's been a battle to get him to do it. see above

4. He hasn't even taken all his Paternity leave that he is entitled to as work is "so busy" (DD2 is 12 weeks old). Incredibly selfish towards you - you would have needed him during paternity leave I'm sure

5. he'll be away having a ball and I'll be dealing with the kids on my own for a week. do you have a week away booked? thought not. get him to book a second week off week if its that easy and split the bonus payment so thats used for your time away too. If you can't do it now, do it later when its convenient for you

6. He gets a bonus in August which he's probably planning on using but I can think of much better things we could spend this money on like trips for the DC's and stuff for the house. My DH always discusses how we're going to use his bonus, same as I did when i was working

7. He knows I'm pissed off and is sucking up to me big time but he hasn't discussed it by the sound of it???

OP for me, the above are the huge issues (though don't get me wrong, Thailand as a destination is ridiculous and i have been to many Hen weekends away from the UK as has my DH). He can drop everything for his best mate but its like getting blood out of a stone to get support, time and help for you/your DC??

cobblers excellent post!

It is bizarre to argue that stag parties who go to prostitution destinations like Thailand, like Amsterdam, like Prague, like Las Vegas, do so in spite of the easy access to commercial sex and exploited women, and that these blokes will spend all their time avoiding that.

I posted links up at the beginning of the thread from companies who organise stag dos to Thailand and they all reference prostitution. Some of them even have pictures of the women on offer.

Men who go to these places are basically telling their wives/partners that they are planning on being unfaithful. If a man said that he was planning on spending an evening in a brothel with his mates, would women here be saying that they trust their bloke? Of course women trust men who do this, they have to. Trust doesn't stop a man having sex with a prostituted woman though. Not being in a country with a group of pissed mates where prostitution is freely available and promoted might do though.