To be annoyed DH wants to go on a Stag do to Thailand

[FedupwithDisney]

My DH has just announced that one of his best mates (was DH's Best Man) is having his Stag do in Thailand for a week later this year and he will be going.

I am pretty annoyed. Every time I ask him to book time off work to do something as a family I get "it's not a good time at work" "I'm too busy" etc. We do have some family holiday time booked, but it's been a battle to get him to do it. He hasn't even taken all his Paternity leave that he is entitled to as work is "so busy" (DD2 is 12 weeks old). He does have a good job and I understand the pressures but how come he can suddenly take off a week for this?

If he goes I will be at home with a 3yo and a 8 mo. Guess I'll cope, I don't see him much in the week as it is, but I'm annoyed that he'll be away having a ball and I'll be dealing with the kids on my own for a week.

I'm also annoyed about the money. Surely it will cost loads. We're comfortable, but certainly not rolling in it. He gets a bonus in August which he's probably planning on using but I can think of much better things we could spend this money on like trips for the DC's and stuff for the house.

AIBU to be annoyed? He knows I'm pissed off and is sucking up to me big time, making the dinner and tidying up!

ripsishere - I stand corrected! However, I'm not the kind of person who assumes that just because a group of men are going Thailand, they're going for the sex industry. It's sexism in a different form.

I dont think the issue is the time away/costs/thailand/sleaze

red herring

The issue is he wont give time to his family, but he will for his mates. Thats the issue

I thionk if you trust your OH, and you get time back time away is not bad thing

OP yanbu, if he does/not goes you need to have a chat as he is prioritising fun tinme w his mates over his family

Why don't you suggest that you as a family go to Thailand as he can clearly afford the time and wants to spend the bonus on a trip (perhaps when 12 week old is a tiny bit older?). If you do things independently it's not nec too expensive and what he saves in beer money (etc...) he can spend on your flight so the difference in cost between family and stag holiday may not be so great.

Lots of nice places for families -Koh Yai, Koh Jum, Koh Lanta, Khao Lak, Chiang Mai are all places we or friends have been to with preschoolers and had a fantastic time. Staying in those places and having quiet evenings with the kids in local restaurants I have to say we didn't see anything seedy in a month there.

We know he can afford the time and money and wants to go to Thailand...Of course if he'd rather spend the money and time on the stag week then you'll know where his priorities are....

DP and his friends have been to Amsterdam quite a few times (I have been with them on occasion). They definitely don't go for sex, as I said above, they go to sit on coffee shops and get stoned (I found this quite boring ). They were all 100% happy for me to join them- they are joint friends from before we were together. If they usually went to sleep with prostitutes then I can't imagine that being the case. One DF has slept with a prostitute, & wouldn't do it again, it was years ago, when he was very young and immature. He has discussed with me, knowing my feelings regarding the sex industry. The other men all found it pretty tragic TBH. The question of whether it's wrong to go and give £ in places where the sex trade is accepted, is something else all together, I didn't think of it at the time, but I am now. Not 100% how I feel about that one yet.

Why does he even want to?

Why does he want to leave his family for a week, when he spends so much time working, and hasn't even taken all his paternity leave?

And why does he want to go to Thailand? No matter how good the friend, my DH would be revolted at the idea.

yorkieg you asked if anyone would make the same assumptions about stag parties in Amsterdam or Eastern Europe. The latter is where I am - and yes without a doubt is the answer I am afraid.

If DP announced to me that he was doing this I would laugh in his face be quite surprised.

If he was serious about something so blatantly unacceptable then I would be telling him that as a newly single man he can go on holiday when and with who and do whatever the hell he likes. Keys please.

Thailand = loads of dosh + wall to wall 'ping pong out the vag' strip shows

I'd be fucked off. And I am not one to tell my dh what he can or can't do.

Taking time off without discussion? Not on.
Spending large amounts of cash without discussion? Not on.

happiness So it's sexist to assume men on a stag do in Thailand are going for the sex?

But it's not sexist to say 'these things are important to blokes'?

Funny how it's only sexist to think negative things about men... if it's anything that let's them do what they want, it's just being realistic or something.

I think some of you are bang out of order to assume that OP's DH will have sex with prostitutes when he is there. Would you be making the same assumptions if it was stag to Amsterdam or Eastern Europe?

I would. My opinions are probably coloured by the fact that I'm an ex-escort but my immediate thought would be that paid for sex would be on the cards. DH understands completely btw and was very at his cousin's fiancé going to Latvia for his stag do last year.

OP you are not being unreasonable in the slightest!

dreaming - 'these things are important to blokes'? because from my experience, a man would be very keen to attend his own best man's stag do. They are clearly best mates and he wants to be there. Important to blokes and women alike, but we are talking about a STAG do, hence blokes.

Not sure I understand the rest of your post.

dh was invited to his friends stag in thailand,i told him if he went he could stay there and not come back. 8 of them went and had the seediest time ever,it was disgusting.

i have been going to thailand for over 20 years and its a beautiful country, the sex industry is usually kept in a certain part of town. when last in koh samui there were loads of brits,had football shirts on, with lady boys. im not sure if they even knew. we were speaking to a 17 year old lad one night and he said he only realised the "woman" he was giving it up the arse to was a man when he looked at her hands. he was distraught.

My point is that you made a massive generalisation about men (that stag dos are important to them and they will resent not being able to go) but then called the rest of us sexist for making a generalisation about men on stag dos in Thailand.

My own DH couldn't care less about stag dos btw.

What an idiot
I do not understand this in the slightest

OK dreaming would you be happier with 'these things are important to some blokes', because that's what I meant. My DP doesn't care about stag do's either although I would think that would probably change if it was his own best man's. It's the fact that it's his best man's that makes it important, not that it's a stag do per se.

YANBU op!

Yes thanks

Would you be happier with some men on stag dos in Thailand have sex with prostitutes?

Because I think that's really what people are saying. None of us can say the OP's husband would definitely do it, just that it's something a lot of men do and thus it's a risk.

However, I'm not the kind of person who assumes that just because a group of men are going Thailand, they're going for the sex industry.

I am. Or at least I assume that a proportion of those going on this stag week are doing so precisely because of the flourishing sex industry. I'm not the kind of person who assumes the OP's DH intends to spend the week fucking his nuts off with prostitutes but he will certainly be witnessing the sort of activities that do, indeed, make the red light district of Amsterdam look like tea at the Vicarage by comparison. Which, broad-minded as I am, I'd find difficult to tolerate.

I'm not sure I'd even be p*ssed off with my DP if he went to patpong, to a show and had a couple of beers. Ye gods, I've even done it myself.

Sorry, to be horribly cynical, but do you think sometimes men plan these ridiculous stag dos to test the limits of their friends' partners?

My DP is going on a stag do this weekend. It is in the UK 1h drive from his house, and costs £250 for the full weekend. When the groom found out about the cost he rang everyone up to check that this was an ok cost for them. None of the stag have children or other commitments (except maybe his day!). The groom discussed their plans for the stag do at length with me when I last saw him as he is v excited about it. And there are no child prostitutes .

He is a nice bloke.

Groom planning a week in thailand is a twat and I wouldn't be surprised if he has some ulterior motive or is just delusional.

Well then Happiness, you've contributed financially to an industry that enslaves and abuses thousands of women and children.

If you have no problem with that, it's your call. Most of the people on this thread do have a problem with that.

It was year's ago, we bought some beers and we watched the show and then myself and my friend spent an evening speaking to the women about their lives.

Anyway - OP, you need to talk to your husband.

happiness I can see why its hard for him not to go: these things are important to blokes and he might resent you if he feels he missed out

So then, what about family time? should it not be hard for him not to take paternity leave and family holidays?

Your posts are bizarre, you are implying that it is fine for him to bow to peer pressure but fuck what the wife and kids want

OP - i am fairly relaxed about DH's weekends away with his mates as i get mine too (in fact i go away more than him ) but Thailand? No way. I agree with the posters though that this idea will slowly turn into a weekend in Skeggy after the other WAG's have had their two penneth

Of course he should make time for family - and that perhaps is more the issue than him going away for a week.