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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaids - to allow or not?

142 replies

Carrie370 · 23/04/2012 15:12

I'm hoping someone will give me sisterly guidance ... I have two daughters, aged 10 and 8. Their father is getting married later this year, and my children are expected to be bridesmaids at the wedding. This sits incredibly uncomfortably with me, and just feels wrong. I would like to emphasise that we have been separated for 3 years, and I have no problem whatsoever with him getting married. As the parent with sole responsibility (we were never married) it is within my power to forbid this, but I realise that this would be an inflammatory move, however he has defaulted on maintenence payments for the last few months (because of the 'expensive wedding'), and so I am not in a particularly charitable mood. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

whoputmeincharge · 24/04/2012 22:43

Good for you op giving them the choice.

I'm in the same situation with a just about 60:40 split and I receive no money - I just wanted him gone - but I pay for all activities, clubs and opportunities. Uniforms. Books. He says he can't afford to pay but is paid twice what i earn. But he can afford an annual holiday to long haul distances for him, DS, his new family etc. But this is why we never worked, our values were different. Bugger them feckers though. Best off with out them.

I do try hard to keep my opinion out of conversations but am aware that my DS can read my emotions like a book. Sometimes I have to say to him .... You know what I think, but actually in this case what I think matters not one jot, this decision is yours alone to make. I'll support you in what ever you decide. And be happy for you because you're doing what you want. May I respectfully suggest a similar intro [gins]

I hope your daughters have a good time regardless of what they choose to do.

whoputmeincharge · 24/04/2012 22:46

[gins]
[freudian type emoticon]

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 24/04/2012 23:20

@ whoput.... We could definitely use a gin emoticon.

starsintheireyes · 24/04/2012 23:54

well firstly i sympathise-alot-im going through the same situation, it stings.
The only way I can get through the feelings etc is to completely blank it out, as far as im concerned its just a piece of paper, if 3 kids and a ltr dont make him change, a little bit of paper saying hes someones husbund wont either!!!
in my eyes she'll always be the ow/rebound(cant be 100% certain which) who was desperate enough to jump on a man with lots of baggage, knowing we'd only just split, with no thought for her or my children in the process.

I dont have wedding talk in the house, if the kids start talking about it i change the conversation to something else, ive no desire to hear anything about their wedding.

Im getting someone else to take the children there on the day and ill expect him to pay for the taxi for them home. during the day im going to go off and do something nice, bit of pampering with a friend probably. After they return from the reception we are going away for the night and to a theme park the following day, hopefully this will replace endless chatter about the wedding which i have no desire to hear, hopefully they will be too excited about going away and to an attraction theyve been wanting to go to for a long time to bother talking about the day before much.

And once its over, its over, its one day, and however fucking shite it is, as their mum you have to stand by and let them be there because as others have said, itll be you they blame in the future if you dont let them.

FashionEaster · 24/04/2012 23:57

Wonder if you can time a CSA claim dropping through the door for the eve of the wedding?

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2012 00:35

I totally get where you're coming from OP but how do the girls know you're not happy about them being bridesmaids?

Do you really think you'll get an honest answer from them now?

Sadly I think their hearts are going to be torn over this...loyalty to you and loyalty to their Dad...then the added guilt perhaps of actually being excited about the wedding, knowing you are not happy.

This is the sort of thing that can screw children up for many years to come.

I think the most selfless thing you can do is not actually ask them...just chat to them about it and you'll soon know if they're excited about it or not (albeit in a possibly guilty way)

Remember they love both you and their Dad.

taxiforme · 25/04/2012 03:13

I got married recently, to my DH who has two daughters. Both were B Maids.

His marriage ended some time ago when his wife left him for a very much younger guy, took the kids and the money and the house. I came along about 2 years later.

I don't have any kids so they were welcomed into my huge family with great fuss and celebration, which they loved.

Both of them (DH and his eXW) are re-married now and the girls have been BMs for all us all. There were, I am sure some bitter and comical eyerolling moments but we were all "happy for each other". Yes.. even when one of the DSD comes out with "when mum gets married to XXloverboyXX will we change our names to his, like she is?"

Does all this sucking up benefit the kids? Yes it fucking does. They are passengers on the train. They did not choose any of this to happen. I didn't know my ass from my elbow when it came to bringing them up but as sure as hell I wanted them happy - not feeling mum's pain or guilty for dad or torn in two not knowing what to do.

Give kids roots but give them wings too, no matter how hard it is.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 25/04/2012 03:51

There is so much where I think you have been fairer than I might however I still think they should do it if they want too. He is a shit, she is getting what she deserves. But which might you regret more, letting them or not letting them?

allnewtaketwo · 25/04/2012 07:24

Agree he has behaved terribly over the affair etc.

But it really does sound like he is trying to involve the children in his new family, which can only be a good thing.

I think it's unfortunate that you have already let the children know how you feel about them being bridesmaids. So even now you do "allow" it, their day will be marred with feelings of guilt because they know mummy isn't happy about it. Young children shouldn't have to deal with adults' problems. They're not emotionally equipped to do so.

exoticfruits · 25/04/2012 07:34

You can't possibly know which way they will go Karmabeliver, as a mother you may feel hard done by and that they will side with you, there is nothing to say this will happen. Never force them to take sides in the first place. You are the adult, you can deal with heartbreak-it is what adults do. Do not load it on to DCs-it isn't their problem. They will work it out for themselves over the years, you do not want DCs who resent you for being bitter.

exoticfruits · 25/04/2012 07:35

You are going to face far more problems over the years as they become part of the other family too.

MissMogwi · 25/04/2012 07:36

My children were BM's at their dad's wedding to the OW. It was very hard for me as it wasn't long after the split and I still loved him.

However, my allowing them to be bridesmaids certainly wasn't 'tacky' or worthy of Jeremy Kyle as said by a PP. They wanted to do it, they were excited about wearing a pretty dress and the party. At 5 and 3 they didn't care less about the wedding part.

If I had refused, it would have been transferring my feelings onto them. Which I
Have tried not to do, although it's not always that easy. Looking back, I'm still glad I didn't cause a fuss.

I'd talk to the girls about the wedding OP, if they are excited and keen to be BM then I think it would be mean to stop them.

I have been in your situation, it is difficult. But it's really not about you. I doubt as adults they would question why you let them, more likely why you did not.

exoticfruits · 25/04/2012 07:43

My guess is they will never question you about why you let them, but there is a possibility they would question why you didn't.

MissMogwi · 25/04/2012 07:47

I agree. I doubt my children will ask me in years to come, about why I let them have a nice day/holiday with their dad and family. I can imagine wondering why I stopped them being involved though IYSWIM.

MissMogwi · 25/04/2012 07:48

Repeated myself there! But my point still stands

Northernlurker · 25/04/2012 08:03

You may be the parent with sole responsibility but you have no right to damage your children's relationship with their father or their stepmother. The bride may have behaved badly but she has now been in your daughter's lives for some years and it appears she will be a permanent feature. It is in your children's best interests for that to be as good a relationship as possible. That's why they want the dds as bridesmaids - it's a symbol of them as a family. Like it or not that is the status quo and recognising that is NOT inappropriate. The maintainence is another issue. Pursue him for that. The more unhelpful you are the more your relationship will suffer and as that disintegrates it is your children that will feel the strain. At 10 and 8 they are enormously vulnerable. You're the adult, you're tougher than them so you have to carry stuff you would otherwise like to find intolerable.

exoticfruits · 25/04/2012 08:20

Well said northernlurker.

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