Bridesmaids - to allow or not?

[Carrie370]

I'm hoping someone will give me sisterly guidance ... I have two daughters, aged 10 and 8. Their father is getting married later this year, and my children are expected to be bridesmaids at the wedding. This sits incredibly uncomfortably with me, and just feels wrong. I would like to emphasise that we have been separated for 3 years, and I have no problem whatsoever with him getting married. As the parent with sole responsibility (we were never married) it is within my power to forbid this, but I realise that this would be an inflammatory move, however he has defaulted on maintenence payments for the last few months (because of the 'expensive wedding'), and so I am not in a particularly charitable mood. Am I being unreasonable?

I agree Worral - I think it is extremely cruel to stop children being bridesmaids for the fathers wedding. And will come back to bite OP in the rear for the while of the girls growing up IMHO

OP one question how much time do the children spend with you and with their father? Just curious

We reached an 'amicable arrangement' when we split up three years ago. We didn't involve lawyers or the CSA. It is only now, when he had wedding bills to pay, that he has defaulted on the last 3 months' payments. I can manage, just about, on my own salary, but all the 'little extras' (drama classes, holiday clubs, etc) I feel he should be taking equal responsibility for, as these are things we chose for our daughters as a couple way back.

Thanks, how much time are the children with each of you?

You can still involve CSA at this point. The sooner the call to them the sooner your case will be open. There is no excuse for refusing to pay maintenance.
Have you discussed this?

Carrie, I definitely agree that the time has come to involve the CSA. Your girls are entitled to financial support from their father - it's not on to opt in and out depending upon what he would prefer to pay for.

What sort of useless fucker thinks that paying for a wedding takes priority over his kids. The OW is getting a total prize, there!

He is their dad why are you so cross and against it ? I think its lovely that he wants themt o be involved in the wedding like this some parents are not involved in their childrens lives after a split ,

Mrsjay, did you read this thread? Is she supposed to be grateful that he left her for OW and now expects her kids to help him celebrate that utter betrayal of their family?

Did you miss the bit where the OP says he hasn't paid child support for the last 3 months in order to pay for said wedding?

I really should read the whole thing shouldnt I

I sympathise with you, this can't be easy. I agree with others who say that you just need to let your daughters enjoy the day as it really is important that they don't feel left out.

Where I really don't sympathise with you is this: "As the parent with sole responsibility (we were never married) it is within my power to forbid this"

WTF? In your "power to forbid"? You really need to change your attitude. Children are not belongings. You don't actually own them, you know.

All she means by that, is that she has final say.

Your situation sounds tough, and I can understand why you are feeling the way you do, but I agree with most other posters that it would be better for your daughters for you to go along with the plans if it's what they want.

I didn't have such a difficult decision, because my ex didn't marry the OW, but married a very likable woman a few years later.

My dd was bridesmaid, my ds was best man at their Dad's wedding. I was happy for them and would have been very upset (and they would have been too) if they had not been included as very important participants in a significant event in their father's life.

I was invited to the evening do. That was tough, but I went along because the children wanted me to. I made sure I was looking particulary stunning though .

The comment implies that by virtue of her having not been married to the childrens' father, she is somehow the owner of the children and has to "power to forbid". That attitude will not result in a good outcome for anyone, and I'm not just talking about the wedding. My DSSs' mother has that attitude and the real effects this has on the children is very sad.

I also think YABU

I also think the ow is now not just the ow, she will be marrying their father, that makes her their stepmum and a good relationship between her and your dd's can only be good for them. I know it must sting but wouldn't it be worse if she didn't treat your dd's well? by involving them in the wedding she is showing that she cares about them

However the maintenance thing is very unreasonable, there is no way you should be suffering financially to pay for their wedding, that is awful, I agree with you going to the CSA and telling him to act like a decent father

aww OP
I can see how this sticks in your throat!!!!

I err to let them be BM, but 100% get why you feel this way

As an adult, you need to learn to deal with your issues. Still resenting your ex and his partner some 3(?) years after your split is not healthy, and creating such a toxic environment for your daughters whereby it becomes an issue for them to be bridesmaids at their fathers wedding will help nobody.

There's no doubt that you love your daughters very much, but equally they love their father. I can't imagine how I'd have felt as a child to not be involved in a parent's wedding. And you can't stop your daughters from being part of a second family.

You're the adult, you need to suck it up. However the maintenance issue needs to be addressed sharpish!

OK, a bit more history ... I suspected my ex was having an affair for many months before I finally got proof by amateur detective work. This coincided with me undergoing treatment for breast cancer (and he was still involved in the affair!). I wanted a completely fresh start after all that, so I chucked him out (the house is 100% mine), and decided from there-on that I would do the very best for my children, which included allowing him 50% access, behaving civily to him at all times, and doing everything I could to ensure as smooth a life as possible for the girls. In addition, I need his help with childcare, as I have a busy job with irregular hours and on-call commitments, so it seemed a win-win situation, at least for the parents. All went well, until the wedding reared its head (and I would like to emphatically state that I am NOT UPSET by the wedding - the OW is more than welcome to him, and I am not, in any way, holding a candle for him - why would I after the frankly shocking treatment he meted out?). Nevertheless, no one likes being made a mug of, and used as a meal ticket. He got away with blue murder for ages, squandering money on god-knows-what (and dirty weekends away in 5 star hotels) and enough is enough. No, I cannot seperate the financial issues from the wedding, despite knowing that IABU. I am well aware that the perception is that I am using the children as pawns/blackmail ... however, they are his responsibility as well as mine, and I am tired of him assuming he can have all the fun bits without the financial outlay. The OW knew exactly what she was doing when she was having the affair with him, including my state of health at the time, so for my children to be her bms when she marries their father is more than inappropriate.

Ok Carrie, that sounds horendous but the reason I asked how often children are with you and with father is that I wondered if it was 50:50 and that is why the maintenance is not being paid. Likely your costs and his costs are about the same for the children. Not in any way saying his behaviour is in anyway acceptable.... But if you stop the children being involved in the wedding it is a bad idea.
Imagine the conversation in few years time. Mum why did you stop us from being bridesmaids? Well your dad had an affair. Why was that my fault? It wasn't your fault but your dad didn't give me enough money. Why did you want money for us to be bridesmaids? No it was maintenance for me looking after you. Did you give dad maintenance for when we were with him? No. Oh so why did he have to give you money.

2 outcomes I recon

1. Children grow up on your side and therefore have a weaker relationship with father and this will impact on every aspect of their life.

1. Children grow up on fathers side and therefore have a weaker relationship with mother and is will impact on every aspect of their life.

Either way the children lose out. I honestly believe trying to stop them being bridesmaid is going to reflect very badly on you regardless of what you may feel are valid reasons.

Try to think of it in a different way. My beautiful children are going to get to be bridesmaids, look beautiful and have a wonderful day. They will feel loved by both their parents and that mum accepts this and dad and step mum include us in their family. After the wedding the children will still have a father, mother and stepmother regardless of if they are bridesmaids or not but resentment of being stopped (if you can even do this if wedding falls over their natural time with father), or made to feel guilty will last their lifetime

Thank you, latemates ... I am going to ask them an open-ended question (each individually) as to what they want to do. Then, depending on the answers I get, I will take it from there. They do already know that I am unhappy about the bm situation, so I will be as neutral as I can be. The last thing I want to do is cause them distress, as they are two well-balanced delightful children (not just my view as their mother!) and I would never want to jeopardise that.

In terms of the 50:50 time split, the costs are only equal in terms of food and shelter bills. I buy all their clothes, school uniform, pay for their music lessons, school trips, holiday day care, out-of-school clubs, presents they take to other children's parties, school buses ... the list goes on and on. None of this would happen if I didn't pay ... their father is just too disorganised and incompetent to get his head around any of it. Oh, and one small thing ... they go to a fee-paying school ... this was something ex and I decided on when my older daughter was 4 ... not a penny does he now pay towards this. I could disrupt my DDs lives even further by changing school, but I have bitten that particular bullet.

So, I feel particularly aggrieved, not least because I earn only marginally more than he does.

It is
Pretty shocking to stop them being bridesmaids when he has them half the time

Oven if your annoyed it is an awful awful thing to do. You say yourself that they can tell you are not happy about the situation so why then start quizzing them? Even asking open ended questions they are now going to know what answers you are hoping for.

I think you need to step back and stop trying to block anything between their relationship with their father.

It isn't all about you and your feelings sorry. They probably feel up in the air anyway without any additional conflict and drama.

Paste a fake smile on your face and send them off in BM dresses. IMO

carrie I totally "get" where you're coming from.

He sounds like a twat, you're well shot of him but I still think, even with the extra info that YABU and your feelings are about you and not your DD's.

I can see why you are aggrieved but you need to keep it separate from the DDs.

It seems to me that you have reacted to what happened by playing the hyper-reasonable ice queen, occupying the high ground and trying to be scrupulously fair. And now it's all coming crashing down on you.

Passing your resentment about maintenance payments, the marriage, and them being bridesmaids on to your children in an "age-appropriate" way may seem reasonable to you, but you are hurting them. Even if they aren't showing it. For example, by telling them you're unhappy about the bridesmaid situation and then forcing a choice you are clearly actually saying: "Who do you love more - Mummy or Daddy?" And if they want to wear a pretty dress, and take part in an exciting important party, you will be making them feel guilty for it by letting them know you disapprove.

I know it's a shit situation. He was a coward and worse, and I think you need to seek help (books, therapy) to help you over it.

Remember that you want to children to be happy, plaster on the big fake aforementioned smile and remember it's all about the dresses and attention for them. You're the grownup here. You want to protect them from the stress and unhappiness you feel. I mean, don't you?

Feel free to send a solicitors letter about the maintenance though.... :)

Fast forward a few years- the DCs turn round and blame you. Force a smile, keep your feelings to yourself-however hard.

Equally she could fast forward a few years, when her kids have been let down once again by this twat, and they could just as easily blame her for letting them waste so much time on such a useless father.

I would hate to grow up and realise that my poor mum had been put through all this, just so my dad could play happy families.

Important to remember that what kids want now is not necessarily what they will want in the future and they don't always want what is good for them.

No one can say how it's going to go, so I think she should do what she feels is right, long term, for her kids, whatever that happens to be.