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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaids - to allow or not?

142 replies

Carrie370 · 23/04/2012 15:12

I'm hoping someone will give me sisterly guidance ... I have two daughters, aged 10 and 8. Their father is getting married later this year, and my children are expected to be bridesmaids at the wedding. This sits incredibly uncomfortably with me, and just feels wrong. I would like to emphasise that we have been separated for 3 years, and I have no problem whatsoever with him getting married. As the parent with sole responsibility (we were never married) it is within my power to forbid this, but I realise that this would be an inflammatory move, however he has defaulted on maintenence payments for the last few months (because of the 'expensive wedding'), and so I am not in a particularly charitable mood. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrie370 · 23/04/2012 16:44

I'm not intending to provide any transport of financial assistance, believe me :o

OP posts:
Groovee · 23/04/2012 16:46

You're going to have to get over your feelings as your daughters will become part of their father's blended family. My father's ex wife was very bitter of my dad walking away from her and taking the children that she caused a lot of trouble. Please don't be that sort of woman who everyone hates because her hatred took over and made her unhinged.

Make a new life for yourself and allow their father to include his daughters in his wedding.

MadameChinLegs · 23/04/2012 16:48

I think it is nice of the OW to include the girls as she is her own. They will, after all, become a family unit (albeit your girls being there part time).

OP, think about how you would feel if they weren't asked. Would you honestly be ok with your DDs not being put on a level playing field with her dd?

verytellytubby · 23/04/2012 16:52

Can't they be flower girls? While I understand your resentment it's not about you, it's about your daughters and their relationship with their father.

BlingLoving · 23/04/2012 16:52

Oh no, I don't think you should see them as there for her. If that was the case, I assume you'd let a hypothetical son act in some capacity for his father in this wedding. Traditional weddings don't have scope for females to do something for the groom, but I think most couples, especially in this situation, would see the bridesmaids as there for both of them.

I understand it's hard, but if you truly accept that your ex is with this woman, then you need to get past this idea that she is the evil reason your relationship broke up. She will be your DDs stepmother and poisoning or trying to limit that relationship is counter-productive at best.

fedupofnamechanging · 23/04/2012 16:58

A father is someone who looks after his children - both physically and financially. A man who thinks an expensive wedding is more of a priority than putting food on his kids' table is not a father imo.

And I agree with the OP that it isn't appropriate for the girls to be bridesmaid in this particular situation - this new 'family' has been formed at the expense of these girl's actual family.

I would be inclined to say no and would explain to the girls that it wasn't appropriate.

WorraLiberty · 23/04/2012 16:58

I have to say you don't sound as though you've got over the past Sad

Children are far more resilient than adults and if they want to be bridesmaids at their Dad's wedding, they are entitled to be.

Whatever has gone on in the past with the adults in their lives...and whatever's going on now with maintenance, well none of that should concern or involve the children.

I'd say standing by and watching their future Step Sister getting to be a bridesmaid, whilst you've forbid them to do the same is very likely to damage your relationship with your children.

fedupofnamechanging · 23/04/2012 17:05

Also, the kind of man who doesn't pay maintenance is the kind of man who will promise the earth in terms of collecting the kids, paying for dresses etc, then is likely to let them down at the last minute, forcing the OP to ferry them there and back or risk disappointing them.

I think that kids only get hyped up about the bridesmaid thing, if the idea is sold to them as something exciting. The OP could do something else instead with her daughters, which will be more fun than a wedding.

Am I the only person who thinks it is tasteless to expect the children of the woman she screwed over (by shagging her partner) to act as her bridesmaids. I'd be cross if (as a child) my mum had let me do this. It's very Jeremy Kyle imo.

Original poster
Carrie370 · 23/04/2012 17:07

Hallelujah, Karmabeliever, finally someone who sees where I'm coming from! Thank you! :)

OP posts:
Cremeeggsandkitkatsoldiers · 23/04/2012 17:08

I would feel it "jarred" but I think I'ld have to put my children above my own feelings and be relieved for them that their step mother wanted to keep them central to their father's life, and having them as BMs is symbolic of that

so YABVU

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/04/2012 17:17

But Karma and Carrie, don't you think that maybe "bridesmaids" as in "maids to the bride" has moved on in definition recently? What I mean is, "bridesmaids" can be there because of the groom, not just because of the bride. I am thinking of the scenario where, for example, the groom's sister is in the wedding party - she would be called a "bridesmaid" I think? Same as bride's brother would be called "groomsman" or "usher" (depending on which side of the Atlantic you are).

I can definitely appreciate the feelings you are having though Carrie - it is not something you want to celebrate is it!

Anyways good luck - a sticky situation & I hope it works out ok for all of you...

fedupofnamechanging · 23/04/2012 17:22

I see your point Hearts, and if the dad was paying proper maintenance and behaving like a dad should, then maybe a case could be argued for inclusion in the wedding.

However, by not paying maintenance he is making it very clear where his priorities lie, and it's not with his dc. This smacks to me of him and his new partner using the OP's children to create an impression of a happy, inclusive family unit. If they really wanted to put the dc at the centre of their lives, they would be financially supporting said children, not just parading them in pretty dresses, to serve their own purposes.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/04/2012 17:26

Yes good point Karma, he really isn't being much of a dad, is he?

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 23/04/2012 17:29

I'm in Karma's camp too. Totally Jeremy Kyle and gross their whole big white wedding thing.

BUT OP: these sorts of situations have a way of hurting the people who deserve to be hurt least and I think you will come off badly if you say no. Your daughter's need to feel included in their father's new life - they may grow up thinking HE didn't want them there and I'm sure he will do nothing to explain why your reservations may have been reasonable.

Lol 'don't become that bitter and twisted woman' etc. yeah right. Walk a mile in my moccasins, as my mom would say. OP I feel really bad for you, sorry this is happening.

startail · 23/04/2012 17:41

Adult issues do not count here,

8 and 10 asked to be brides maids, you say YES!

You sort out everything else separately. I have a DD that sort of age and no way would I be brave enough to interfere.

whitewhitewine · 23/04/2012 17:42

I actually agree with you also OP and I completely see where you are coming from. Do your daughters get on with his wife to be and want to be bridesmaids? (sorry if I have missed this!)

In all honesty, I would be very pissed off if my husband left me for another woman, thus splitting up our family unit and wanted our daughter to be bridesmaid at their wedding. Failing to give you money for his children to fund this wedding is beyond selfish.

lunamoon · 23/04/2012 17:44

I would let them be bridesmaids but I would make it absolutely clear that he would be paying for everything.
dresses, shoes, hairdresser, new coats if needed. Also as has been suggested do not offer to take them or collect them .Make it a condition that he does alll the toing and froing. It simply isn't possible for you to provide any transport at all.
I would contact CSA now, I wouldn't even bother asking him to pay maintenance, go straight to them.
Tell them the situation including the facts that:
a) he can afford to pay for a wedding
b) once he is married assuming that the ow works, his outgoings will be smaller, so in effect he will have more disposable income to pay towards maintenance.

Once all the wedding arrangement have been finalised make sure you have solid plans to indulge yourself for the weekend.
Go for a spa weekend with friends or a nice overnight stay that you wouldn't do with your dds and enjoy the freedom this gives you.

ChasedByBees · 23/04/2012 17:48

With the extra information I can see why it jars, but for the sake of your daughters, you'll have to put on a brave face. :(

Sassybeast · 23/04/2012 17:51

YANBU to feel as you do. I totally understand.
However, your ex and the OW are probably expecting you to object (what with all ex wives being raging pyschos Wink )
So I would take the moral high ground and agree. With the proviso that he arranges everything.

Stopusingallthenn · 23/04/2012 18:29

I understand how you feel. When my ex married the woman he'd left me for after a lengthy affair, my DD's were bridesmaids.

Even though (at the time) I hated my ex and the OW, I didn't stop the girls being bridesmaids. They went abroad for the wedding and it was very, very difficult for me. It didn't help the blushing bride sent me malicious texts throughout the holiday. Good times.

However the girls had a good time and looked beautiful. They deserved to be part of their dads special day with their family.

For the girls' sake you will have to Suck It Up. he should be paying maintenance but it is a separate issue.

I hope you work it out. Be the bigger person. It didn't do me any harm.Smile

WorraLiberty · 23/04/2012 18:32

Stopusingallthenn What a totally selfless Mum you are.

I'm sure when your DD's are adults and perhaps Mother's themselves, they'll realise how amazingly you handled that.

Stopusingallthenn · 23/04/2012 18:34

Thanks Worra. I'm actually a bit mad from it all, but I wear it wellGrin

WorraLiberty · 23/04/2012 18:37

Don't we all Grin

NarkedPuffin · 23/04/2012 18:40

Of course they should be allowed to be bridesmaids, because that's what they will want.

Feeling conflicted because he's marrying the woman he cheated on you with is something you need to work on and keep away from your DDs.

Him not paying for his children because the wedding is expensive Hmm is a HUGE issue. I sometimes think people don't realise what that money goes towards. In some families it's so little or they are well off enough for it not to be a big deal, but in many families missing 'a couple of payments' could be the mortgage not paid or no food budget!

As for, 'if it's that important go to the CSA' WTAF??? Having to go to the CSA to get someone to pay for their children = that person being an excuse for a parent.

frankie4 · 23/04/2012 18:50

Carrie, I totally agree with your view as it is one thing attending the wedding, but another actively taking part and therefore supporting and celebrating the marriage. I would find this very hard.

But only you can judge what is appropriate. If your dds really want to do to it and would be upset not too, then you really have to let them. But if you feel that they may feel , when they are adults, that it was inappropriate for them to take part in the wedding then don't let them.