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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaids - to allow or not?

142 replies

Carrie370 · 23/04/2012 15:12

I'm hoping someone will give me sisterly guidance ... I have two daughters, aged 10 and 8. Their father is getting married later this year, and my children are expected to be bridesmaids at the wedding. This sits incredibly uncomfortably with me, and just feels wrong. I would like to emphasise that we have been separated for 3 years, and I have no problem whatsoever with him getting married. As the parent with sole responsibility (we were never married) it is within my power to forbid this, but I realise that this would be an inflammatory move, however he has defaulted on maintenence payments for the last few months (because of the 'expensive wedding'), and so I am not in a particularly charitable mood. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 23/04/2012 15:31

Yes yabu. I think you need to think about your dd's here, do they want to do it? Don't you want them to feel part of his life and tgat of his family?

Original poster
Carrie370 · 23/04/2012 15:32

Wow, a lot of responses! I am new to this forum, and wasn't expecting so many so quickly!

OK, I will explain further. This woman was the cause of the breakup of my family. As I said, this was a long time ago, and I have moved on, but I feel that the symbolism of being a bridesmaid is not appropriate in this situation. She also has her own daughter to do the honours. I am totally indifferent about them getting married, and as far as I am concerned, she is welcome to him. Although I accept that the maintenance and bridesmaids issues are two seperate things, he is behaving irresponsibly in withholding maintenence, and yes, I suppose I want to hurt him back. My daughters are aware of my feelings about all this, but in a way that they can identify with - I am not that malicious and irresponsible a parent! They are too young to see anything other than being given the opportunity to dress up and be the centre of attention.

OP posts:
HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 23/04/2012 15:37

You need to remember this goes further than a day of dressing up - they are part of this new family no matter how it happened or how you feel about it. Surely you want them included in it rather than on the outside and feeling replaced.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 23/04/2012 15:38

I can see why you're pissed off with your ex- he hasn't paid maintainence because he's got an expensive wedding to pay for Hmm the cheeky shit.

However, this is a seperate issue. If your DDs want to be bridesmaids then you shouldn't stop them. You're right it would create majorly bad feeling. Not only with your ex but with your DDs. Don't stop them. But do make sure your ex pays what he owes his DDs in maintainence.

MrsHoarder · 23/04/2012 15:39

Possibly your DDs new SM would like to offer an olive branch to your daughters. Certainly when I got married, the young girls who were asked to be bridesmaids were asked as they would enjoy/benefit from it, not my benefit. How would they feel seeing their stepsister be a bridesmaid and being told that they aren't allowed to be one?

Even if you have PR, he is still their Dad. It would sting enough if it was an uncle/cousins situation where supposedly equal cousins were left out, leaving out the children of the couple is much worse.

I can see why this stings, but you have to grit your teeth and smile if they find the idea exciting (if otoh they are dreading it and don't want to go then you can negotiate out of it for them).

MrsHoarder · 23/04/2012 15:40

Oh yes, and tell your ex that he needs to get his payments sorted though, his daughters' welfare comes before having a big wedding. If need be, mention solicitors or the CSA.

Ratbagcatbag · 23/04/2012 15:45

I had a friend who was in a similar situation. She had broken the marriage up about eight years before, her son was to page boy and her two DSDs at 11and 9bridesmaids. There mum said no, it got really nasty. The girls said they wanted to live with dad because it was the only way they could be part of their fathers wedding. How sad is that. Their mum did relent in the end but the girls still haven't quite got over how bad their mum made it for them. YADBVVU

SoupDragon · 23/04/2012 15:45

I can completely understand why you feel like you do. Potentially I may have the same dilemma in the future and I think it would be rather inappropriate for my DD to be involved given the OW didn't give a damn that the man she was seeing had small sons and a pregnant wife at home.

However, I would simply make my feelings know to XH and leave it at that. I wouldn't stop DD from doing it, nor would I poison her mind about it (tempting though that would be).

HappyJustToBe · 23/04/2012 15:49

His relationship with his daughters and the paying of maintenance are two separate issues. You are within your rights to chase him for the money through the CSA because it is his responsibility to support his daughters however he doesn't pay for access so I think you are being unreasonable.

Ask your daughters if they want to be bridesmaids.

thatisall · 23/04/2012 15:49

oh I see re:reverse thread

op the extra info reinforces the reasons why it is uncomfortable but sadly, and I mean this because I would HATE it if it were me....it doesn't change the fact that they should be allowed. x

Original poster
Carrie370 · 23/04/2012 15:59

It seems the consensus is that IABVU! Thank you for all your views ... food for thought.

OP posts:
SunflowersSmile · 23/04/2012 16:03

I understand why you feel uncomfortable- YANBU for that.
If they want to do it though it would be a tough decision for them not to be allowed.

Ephiny · 23/04/2012 16:03

I think we can all understand why you feel the way you do, it's obviously a difficult situation for you. But you need to focus on your DDs and what's right for them, putting the other stuff aside. Even if they're too young to have much of an opinion on it now, they might in the future wonder why they were excluded from their dad's wedding, when looking back at the photos etc.

TheDowager · 23/04/2012 16:07

Jut be sure you don't end up paying for the dresses, and don't end up ferrying them 100 miles to the service, hanging about outside for four or five hours, then ferrying them back. Tell him to collect them the day before and deliver them back that evening or the next day (or get his parents to do it).

LydiaWickham · 23/04/2012 16:10

You should allow them to be bridesmaids, but I can see why it would grate, he's going to have them there as bridesmaids, to show everyone that even though he's marrying his mistress, he's still a committed dad, and look, both his DDs and his new wife's DD, what a lovely blended family! but oh, yes, that "committed dad" has put his mistress wanting a fancy day as a greater priority than say, buying food or clothes for his DDs...

Anyway, you can't stop them without being the mean evil one, and this woman will be your DD's step mother so this story will be twisted over the years if you don't let them.

Can you go to the CSA for the money in the future? At least you'll know where you stand.

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/04/2012 16:14

Well I know you should let them but lordy I'd find it very hard too in your position.

Do as someone else suggested and threaten they won't be to him unless he coughs up the maintenance money and get onto the CSA.

But yes ultimately I guess you're going to have to let them be bridesmaids.

Floggingmolly · 23/04/2012 16:18

Is it really "within your power" to forbid this? Hmm. You really shouldn't.

sleepdodger · 23/04/2012 16:18

Suggest to him that they will of course attend but you expect the missing payments prior to wedding....Wink

shinyrobot · 23/04/2012 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LydiaWickham · 23/04/2012 16:23

No, don't make payment of the missing money before the wedding a condition of them being bridesmaids! Because if he doesn't pay then you'll be in an even worst position of having them have their dresses and being all excited and then telling them at the last minute you won't let them be bridesmaids, or having to back down and let them, which tells your XP that you're all talk and he can just miss payments as you'll shout a lot then do nothing.

Tell him he owes you the maintenance money, he can pay it in full or you're calling CSA and he can deal with them.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/04/2012 16:26

YABU, even after your second post with some explanation. Your marriage would have broken up with or without this woman, because if it was a strong marriage she would have made no difference.

You are right to be angry over maintenance, but that's what the CSA is for. You sound like you are more concerned with your own feelings rathe Ethan those of your dds. Wouldn't they be upset to not be BMs if their step sister is going to be?

My ds's had an active part in my wedding ceremony, (one was ring bearer, older one did a reading etc) and I there is no way in this world I woudo have entertained my ex telling me he was uncomfortable with it. It wasn't about him, so he wouldn't have been entitled to an opinion about my wedding and my children's roles within that. Thankfully he wants what's best for our children, and was pleased they were going to be part of it.

Original poster
Carrie370 · 23/04/2012 16:32

The way I see it, is that bridesmaids are just that - maids to the bride. The bride in this case is the OW who broke up their family (with help from their philandering father, of course). And yes, I am concerned with my own feelings, I am seething with the inappropriateness of it all. It doesn't seem unreasonable to feel that way to me, although I acknowledge all the objective views I have received, thank you!

OP posts:
fluffiphlox · 23/04/2012 16:35

I think (and it's only my opinion) that if you stop them being bridesmaids (if they want to) you would be punishing them, rather than their father.

xmyboys · 23/04/2012 16:39

Your DD won't see it that way op they would just be excited about the dresses and event itself not what it actually represents!
Agree don't pay anything and he sorts all transport for event and rehearsals.

EMS23 · 23/04/2012 16:40

YABU because this is about you and your feelings, not theirs.