Bridesmaids - to allow or not?

[Carrie370]

I'm hoping someone will give me sisterly guidance ... I have two daughters, aged 10 and 8. Their father is getting married later this year, and my children are expected to be bridesmaids at the wedding. This sits incredibly uncomfortably with me, and just feels wrong. I would like to emphasise that we have been separated for 3 years, and I have no problem whatsoever with him getting married. As the parent with sole responsibility (we were never married) it is within my power to forbid this, but I realise that this would be an inflammatory move, however he has defaulted on maintenence payments for the last few months (because of the 'expensive wedding'), and so I am not in a particularly charitable mood. Am I being unreasonable?

I think this thing has to be seen from the children's perspective. Maintenance payments are none of their concern, it's an adult problem that should not tarnish their lives. So let them have the fun at the wedding, even if their father is a irresponsible git. But after the wedding look for ways to get all your ex-husband owes you in maintenance back.

yabvu - he is their father irrespective of his current relationship wiht you or the maintenace payments.

please do not try to interfere with this.

your dds are, whether you like it or not, becoming part of another family. they have been invited to take full part in the day, with no rank being pulled wrt their step-sibling -to-be. clearly both your ex, and his fiancee are keen to treat all the girls as equals (as they shoudl be)

if your dds want to do this, then you would be very unreasonable to stop them. you would be the one singling them out, making htem feel different and outsiders. you woudl be the one saying they are not as included in the new family setup. you would be the one trying to separate them from all this.

when I married dh (I was not the OW, btw, we met many years later), I offered a bridesmaids role to my dsd. she didn't want to, and we were all happy with that.

12 years down the line, and she now regrets turning it down (we were talking about the wedding not long ago, with my cousins, who were my bridesmaids, and she said she felt really left out on the day). I felt at the time that it was not her choice to not be a bridesmaid, iyswim, but it certainly was no my place to say anything. it is sad that she felt so excluded ona day which was meant to include us all (and believe me, dh and I bent over backwards, quite rightly, to ensure that my stepchildren wer eincluded to whatever level they wanted ot be)

Have you asked your dds what they want? I think they are the ones who should decide, and are more than old enough.

I'm with splash, what do the children want to do?

"Hallelujah, Karmabeliever, finally someone who sees where I'm coming from! Thank you! "

Yes, because no one else said similar did they.

Just sending some sympathy here really as it is a crappy situation. Your ex sounds like a prince among men Unfortunately your girls won't see the dark side until they're a bit older - for now he's just prince bloody charming getting them a pretty dress. If you suck it up it will be incredibly selfless.

And make sure the bastad pays what he owes you

Carrie, I would let your daughters choose and support them 110% in their decision. Be the bigger person, show dignity, rise above it - think of it as giving them a level footing with their soon to-be step-sister rather than a bridesmaid.

Be excited about their frocks if they want to do it, buy them a beautiful princess dress anyway if they don't and listen to their thoughts and feelings as they go through it - their Dad remarrying is a hard enough journey for them without them having to manage your feelings too. It is just another day closer to complete closure for you. Sorry to be blunt, it's about your two daughters and the women they grow up to be. Not you. Not your ex. Not the OW.

They'll remember your support and positivity, or your saying no, longer than they can wear those dresses.

Yeah, sorry, you're going to have to be the bigger person (again, no doubt) and let them do it. Would you not be more annoyed if he was cutting them out of the wedding altogether? It would be a massive snub to them.

Suggest on the day of, pop a glass of champers and congratulate yourself on a lucky escape from an arse.

And persue him through official channels for the child maintenance, obvs.

Do try not to poison them against him, it's not fair on them. They'll come to their own conclusions in time.

The question of maintainance is separate from the question of whether he is their father or not.

Your darling DD's might have a crap father who doesn't pay maintainance. It doesn't mean that he isn't their dad.

But having been in the same position as your DD's, I give you and them and when they get old enough to question him

Pursue the money you are owed, but these are two separate issues. The adult issues around why you broke up and missed maintainance have nothing to do with your daughters.

I think if you attempt to stop them being Bridesmaids, you could lose out.

They will be cross with you as 'the big, bad parent who stopped them getting dressed up and being bridesmaids at their dad's wedding' whereas your ex will be able to paint himself as the wounded party to them...'I really wanted you to be part of our special day, but mean mummy said no.'

As others have said, their new stepmother will be a huge part of their lives from here on in. As tough as it sounds, it is probably in everyone's interest if that relationship is harmonious as possible, so that means agreeing to reasonable requests like this, not playing for tit for tat or poor mouthing their stepmother or father in front of the girls.

Don't let up on the missed maintainance though!

@Soupdragon - yes, you did say similar, I'm sorry, and thank you! The comments were coming so thick and fast (while I was also trying to multi-task!), that I missed yours. I hope your situation doesn't evolve into such a fiasco as mine.

Well, I do see where you are coming from but there is something deeply satisfying about taking the moral high ground. If nothing else it will annoy the OW, as she will probably not understand your motives.

Carrie, I think most people see where you're coming from, not just Karma. Has anybody said anything different? The only difference us that almost everybody else has said you need tk continue putting your daughter'x needs first.

Re the maintainence payments - if he's a few months behind, why haven't you taken legal steps yet?

I completely get why you don't like the idea - it's as if them being bridesmaids is kind of approving of what he did. Sort of. But I very much doubt they've thought of it like that - have you spoken to them?

I would go with letting them (your girls) do exactly as they want to and just be dignified. He's clearly an utter wanker anyway. Out of interest, why haven't you opened a CSA case? They can only backdate from when you contact them.

I'm a SM and had my DSD as a bridesmaid when her dad and I got married last year (I was not the OW, his ex broke up the relationship with an affair). His ex did a few things in the run up to the wedding that made life difficult and tbh this just exacerbated my dislike for her. My DSD loved the whole day and it made us all feel more like a family. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I agree with a previous poster that the best thing you can do is take the high ground and try not to reflect your feelings about the new wife onto your DDs.

Remember that the best that can come out of this situation is that your DDs grow up between two happy homes with parents/step parents who try their best for them.

As practically everyone has said YANBU to feel upset but YWBU to refuse them.
As a matter of interest, how would you feel if he didn't want them to be bridesmaids? I can imagine that being an 'AIBU to feel my children have been snubbed by bastard ex' thread.

A lot of people are focusing very much on just the wedding itself and it being an opportunity for the girls to wear pretty dresses. I actually think the importance is more on the fact that the girls will be part of a blended family and that it will be much nicer for them if they are able to feel happy with that situation. Upsetting though it must be to see your ex marry the OW, this may be a long-term thing and you shouldn't taint your DD's view of their 'other' family through anger over what has gone before.

Obv you should pursue the maintenance owed - through CSA if nec, but it should be separate from other issues.

Also, I am a step-mum and have seen at first hand the damage it does to DSC if you bad-mouth their dad/SM and attempt to control what they do in their time. DSS's mum is forever trying to involve him in her petty battles for control and he is not exactly what you would call a well-adjusted child and is becoming quite anxious about contact time. Not that I'm saying you are being petty, but I'm afraid that you do have to accept that it is up to your DD's dad what they do when they are with him, and not interfere unless your DD's have told you they're not happy with something.

"Carrie, I think most people see where you're coming from, not just Karma. Has anybody said anything different? The only difference us that almost everybody else has said you need tk continue putting your daughter'x needs first."

MsVestibule, this comment implies that I am suggesting the OP will not be putting her children first if she refuses to allow them to be bridesmaids.

My position on this is that she would not be allowing her children to be used by her ex and his new wife, as if they are accessories, rather than real children (with needs not being met by their father in the areas which truly matter). I disagree that the maintenance is a separate issue - it is very much an indicator of a person's attitude towards their dc and all other decisions that the RP makes, hinge on the attitude of the NRP towards those children.

There are people who think that a father's involvement is to be encouraged in all cases bar actual abuse. I disagree. I believe a good father's (or mother's) involvement is essential, but if a man is not a good and responsible father then it's maybe better to not go all out to keep him involved. My feeling is that a bad parent is more damaging than having no parent at all. I think that constantly covering for a bad parent, just prolongs the inevitable, because the kids end up learning the truth eventually.

I'm not suggesting that the OP bad mouth him, but equally, I don't believe that being a bridesmaid puts a child on the same footing as the new step sister. What would put the OP's children on the same footing, would be financial support form their dad, not wearing a pretty dress for one day.

I just think it's not appropriate to be bm in this particular circumstance, so unless the girls were desperate to do it (in which case the Op has little real choice), I would gently discourage it.

For all the people who believe the girls will hold it against their mother, I think it is equally likely in future years, that they will see it was inappropriate.

Urgh. It's exhausting having to be the bigger person and hold the moral high ground. But they are your daughters and they come first. Let them do it. I completely understand why this is deeply annoying.

Someone up thread said something about if the relationship was strong enough the OW couldn't have broken it up. I disagree actually. That sounds like an excuse used to justify sleeping with married men. Maybe he would have strayed anyway, maybe the relationship would have collapsed with time, but maybe, the OW was there at a vulnerable point and the relationship would have survived and grown stronger with time.

My position on this is that she would not be allowing her children to be used by her ex and his new wife, as if they are accessories, rather than real children

That's a strange view to hold about bridesmaids

When you're getting married and you have young children, what could be more natural than wanting them to be bridesmaids, should they want to be?

If the dad was being a proper father and looking after his kids, then it would be a natural progression to want them involved in his wedding (although imo not appropriate when he is marrying the person he broke up their family for)

However, if he isn't looking after his kids, but just wants involvement for the 'nice' bits, then that is treating the kids like accessories.

I just don't think that real parents cherry pick the bits they want to do and ignore the rest. A real parent does all the horrible bits (paying the bills, for example) as well as the nice parts of parenting.

So karma, in an opposite situation where the mother cheats the children should live with the father and if the mother remarries then the father would be right to forbid the children to be bridesmaids for the mother.
Is that what you mean?

Reality tho is that no ones loses custody or is seen as a bad parent legal when the break up a marriage. We do not know the full details here. Maybe the father is paying the mortgage or rent on the home his ex has for the benefit of the children but can not afford extras anymore (just wonder due to no response to suggestions to involve CSA), Maybe the father has just stopped paying in which case that is unacceptable. Either way I do not think it is right to punish the children by forbidding them being bridesmaid (op already said they both want to be). The children are innocent in this and should not be used as part of mind games by either parent.

It's not about mind games - I truly do not believe it is in the best interests of the children to be actively involved in this wedding.

I think the OP was pretty clear that her partner cheated and has left her for the OW. I think it is tacky to expect the children you have from the family you split up, to be actively involved in celebrating the new marriage to the OW. It is entirely different if a relationship ends and then later on, either parent meets someone new and wants to involve the children in the weddings to their new partners.

In terms of custody, I think the primary carer should be the one to retain custody, because that is what the children know and are used to, so is probably the least disruptive solution.

If I had an affair and left my dh, to marry my new man, there is no way I'd involve my dc in my wedding. I think it would be a cruel thing to do to my ex dh and i would think it entirely inappropriate to expect my dc to celebrate my new life, which has come at the expense of their own stable family life. Still, I suppose the sort of people who do these things, don't give a fuck about their kids or being decent, or they wouldn't do it in the first place.

We'll have to agree to disagree then because I truly believe it's cruel to ban the DDs from being bridesmaids...especially when their step sister gets to be one.

Kids don't understand about money and all those adult issues

They just know they love both their parents and didn't ask to come from a split family.