To consider a 3rd DC if we only want a girl

[Moti]

This has been playing on my mind. At the moment we have 2 x DSs and I am happy with that, my DH has always wanted a DD as he is from a family of boys. DH recently said that he wanted to keep trying for a daughter and would be happy to have another couple of sons in the process. I have managed to delay any more 'trying' as I have a new job and we have now agreed that we should wait until youngest DS is at school. But in all honesty I don't want to keep on having children just to get a girl. I love my sons to bits but don't want another son as things are good as they are, I would like a daughter to please my DH. Right from the beginning of our relationship he talked about his wish for a daughter but I have never been concerned about the gender of our children. Anyone been in the same boat?

Some men have more y sperm, some more x and some equal. It often runs in families.

There was some suggestion I read (don't know if true) that said this is why there were more baby boys born after the first and second world wars. Men who produced more boy sperm had several sons, so were more likely to have a son return from the war than a man who only had one son. Their sons in turn were also more likely to father boys which accounted for the higher number of boys born than average following the wars.

star I am sure people also have preferences for skin colour and attractiveness of their babies. It doesn't mean that as a society we should not be trying to do better.

Coming onto the point of different parenting. Um well, as much as I'd like to get on my feminist high horse here, there are differences between them.

My dd is very much a tomboy but she is also good at listening and empathising with people. She's quite socially attuned and her focus at the age of 11 is on her relationships with her friends which includes all sorts of complicated dynamics.

ds on the other hand, despite our best efforts, is very much a boy who loves armys, tanks, guns, cars, aeroplanes etc. He is very good at manipulating things with his hands and quite construction minded so again, loves Lego, Meccano and anything involving building, constructing, fitting together and finding out how things work. His relationships are very simple in comparison to dds and generally when he and his friends get together I find them much harder work than dd and her friends were at the same age. Groups of girls tend to work together but groups of boys just run around doing their own separate things which invariably includes pushing, pulling, running, screaming, play fighting and getting very very hyper.

Now I realise this is just my experience with my two, but it does seem, from what I've experienced in a broader sense and from talking to other mums, to be the case all round. Of course you do get quiet boys who play with dollies and loud aggressive girls, but I'm talking generally with reluctance. Because I've found parenting a girl and a boy to be different experiences and most other mothers I know would say the same.

I would also say that whilst dd has been encouraged in some ways to be a tomboy and thankfully her personality fits this anyway, ds has been encouraged to be creative too and we are both parents who have campaigned against wars, who won't allow them on any violent games and who do not encourage aggression in any form. Yet this hasn't stopped his obsession with all things guns/wars/soldiers/tanks/fighting. We can catch him sneaking down at the weekend to watch Police Camera Action or World's Most Dangerous Car Chases and all he wants for birthdays/Christmas are machine guns, nerf guns and so on. Just like all of his friends, just like all the little boys I know.

Startail, did you and your Husband undergo a gender selection process then if you knew you and dh didn't want a boy before you got pregnant.Not having a go, just curious.

I never wanted a boy but now I have him and he is all gorgeous and squishy and beautiful I want a girl even more than I did before if we ever had another baby.

Not because I think boys aren't as good as girls (which is what I though before DS) but because I can't imagine loving another little boy as much as I love DS. I feel like I already have the best little boy in the world, why would I want another one. Which is ridiculous I know but that is how I feel.

Startail, I was fairly convinced I didn't want a boy either. dd was an accident (although a lovely one now as we discovered) but having seen little boys running around screaming, pushing and punching other boys, shooting each other and throwing things round the room (again, this was genuinely my experience at various todder groups, always seemed to be the boys doing the aggressive stuff) I was certain I did not want a boy.

I won't pretend I wasn't disappointed when he revealed himself. But now I love him to bits! He's a real mummy's boy when he's hurt or upset or ill, but puffs out his little chest with pride when doing something with his daddy.

He's not as aggressive as the other boys, he's quiet in comparison, but we have discovered that he does have a different view of friendships, that he gets obsessed easier, he has funny little ways (like treating his toys as if they were real people), he will probably always find poos, wees and farts funny and he does take silliness to a whole new level. But I can't imagine life without him now.

fullofregrets that is how I feel, too! I already have the three loveliest boys I could imagine, how can I possibly have another one to match these three?

Your DH is being very unreasonable, saying that to your DS2

No I don't think you should just keep on having more children in the hope of having a girl. Can't believe some people do that. It is sometimes normal to have a preference, but just having one baby after another to have a specific gender seems bonkers to me.

I never had any preferences. I have one of each. Infact I had a slight preference for another boy as I thought they'd have more in common. So far parenting them have been the same. DD is harder though, DS is much more chilled out.

'Startail, I was fairly convinced I didn't want a boy either'

After losses I didn't really care that much about gender but after having DDs first, I did feel abit 'scared' of having boys due to the reasons Rhubard gave and also wasn't 'used to' boys etc (no brothers) and thought my girls were brill (my mum was very girl biased too which rubbed off); aswell as ALL my friends who had boys being 'desperate' for DDs. I feel terrible now but I once actually felt sorry for those with just boys Well, fast forward several years and I now have 3 DSs! (as well as DDs) I am very glad to have them and they are every bit as nice as DDs. I also appreciate others' boys more too and think people are very lucky to have DSs! (I also think those with DDs are lucky-they are all fab).

I've got 5 kids and every time have "wanted" a girl (I've got 3 boys and 2 girls) but I've also known that whatever I've ended up with would make no difference to how I felt about them when they put that baby in my arms (and for the rest of their lives). If you don't feel the same then don't have any more.

I do think society, the prevailing culture of the time, and your upbringing affect what interests people take up. Let's take knitting, to illustrate my point. Generally viewed as a female hobby, yes?

I remember coming home after a long day at 13, collapsing onto the settee, and getting out the knitting needles while I watched TV. Then, as now (if only I had the time to knit and MN ), I enjoyed it. It's nice to make something with your hands. (I enjoy constructing flat-pack furniture for the same reason.)

How many 13 year olds will come home after a long day and start knitting tonight? Not as many as did in my grandma's schooldays, I bet! Has something biologically changed about girls in the last generation or two? I doubt it. It's just social and technological changes.

As mentioned a paragraph before, I like DIY. That may, at some level, be innate. But it was developed by my upbringing. My mother made sure that I had both traditional male and female gendered toys available in the first place. I enjoyed the female gendered toys, like most girls reputedly do. BUT I also loved the construction toys, which many girls don't receive in the first place. For example, when I grew out of lego, I got plastic meccano. I have many happy memories of carefully following the instructions. (And also putting dolls in the cars I'd built.)

Thus, today, as far as I'm concerned, flatpack furniture is just a life-sized meccano kit, except now I'm allowed a real hammer!

There may be some level of innate gender variation regarding ballet, sewing, car maintenance, football. But as present, our cultural attitudes exaggerate those differences. If a little boy from a desert tribe has never even seen a piano, much less touched it, how could you know for sure he hasn't got the potential to be a concert pianist?

having seen little boys running around screaming, pushing and punching other boys, shooting each other and throwing things round the room (again, this was genuinely my experience at various todder groups, always seemed to be the boys doing the aggressive stuff)

I may be completely wrong about this but do wonder if some little boys behave this way because their parents tolerate boisterous behaviour from boys that they wouldn't allow from little girls? Certainly in my family, I've seen little male cousins charging about being rough and noisy and rude and not being disciplined for it. There seems to be an almost proud "boys will be boys" attitude from their parents that says it's ok and even desirable for them to behave this way. Like I said, I could be wrong but do think that different expected standards of behaviour could be why some boys are so snooty and aggressive.

Er, that was meant to be 'shouty'. Not 'snooty'. Stupid auto correct.

GeriatricBabyMama I may be completely wrong about this but do wonder if some little boys behave this way because their parents tolerate boisterous behaviour from boys that they wouldn't allow from little girls? Certainly in my family, I've seen little male cousins charging about being rough and noisy and rude and not being disciplined for it.

Equally, (as a mum of two boisterous boys) I wonder if people are not more heavy handed in micro managing girls to be quiet, polite and complicit and if this isn't the reason why women in general (but not including mn) find it incredibly difficult to find their voice to complain about injustice in both the private and political sphere.

My DD runs around at toddler groups screaming and pushing. She is a 'busy' child and if I have to say, "gentle" one more time my head will explode. She is into cars and gears and keys and blocks. I have several friends with children her age and I see that she is the most boisterous and loud of all of them. Please don't pigeon-hole children. I love my girl and want her to be herself. I know there will come a time that she will notice that all the toys she likes have little boys on the boxes and the dollies and fairy princesses are supposed to be for her. It breaks my heart.

About the OP, I know too many damaged people in families like this. Your DS1 may be alright but DS2 and possible DD may be damaged, one by being the wrong gender and one by being the right. Why not just stop now and be happy? You have two children.

I know someone who is expressing disappointment about the gender of her 3rd child even before it is (imminently) born, and talking about "trying again".

No-one who feels this strongly about having one gender or other should have another child IMO.

I am deeply suspicious of anyone who makes assumptions about a child based on gender anyway.

OP, I think it would be very unwise to do this. A mild preference is one thing. Conceiving a child solely because one wants a girl is something else entirely and could be very damaging to that child (whether the child turns out to be a boy or a girl).

As for inherent differences between boys and girls, there are some (very minor) observable differences in traits, e.g. boys are more likely to play in large groups, girls to cluster in twos and threes. But these traits are blown hugely out of proportion within the culture. There is nothing particularly "masculine" about wheeled objects, nor is there anything at all "feminine" about the color pink. And since we are all products of our culture, we cannot possibly give our children an entirely gender-neutral upbringing (though I do think we should do our best to counteract the effects of the princess/pink/passive messages, as well as the rough/tough/aggressive messages).

Rhubarb

You may well get that view from yourself and people with one of each sex, but that proves nothing, IMO.

I have 2 boys and they are as unalike as your son and daughter are.

I think that parents are biased towards seeing behaviour as gendered when it might as easily to be due to their personality, or whther they are a first or second child

Geriatric

I agree there are some with the boys will be boys attitude. I hate it. It gives boys a bad name.

Time for this thread again is it?

Ahem, can I just wander onto this discussion re 'boys are like x' and recommend Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine.

"I think that parents are biased towards seeing behaviour as gendered when it might as easily to be due to their personality"

Couldn't agree more - I've noticed that sometimes parents with one of each do this, and lament for me that I have three children 'the same'. I have to say how different they all are from each other!

I think that parents are biased towards seeing behaviour as gendered when it might as easily to be due to their personality, or whther they are a first or second child

Oh my auntie is terrible for this! She had one DD and one DS and is forever going on about how her DD was clingy (for example), so girls are clingy and her DS was laidback therefore boys are just more laidback than girls My cousin has now got a one year old DS after having three DDs, so of course everything that her DS does is because he's a boy, according to his grandmother. Bless her, we all love her to bits but it drives us up the wall when she goes on about boys being this or that thing based on her one DS and one DGS.

I don't understand this at all - girls and boys shouldn't be brought up differently, so why wish for one over the other? What if your potential daughter doesn't fit the mould of what he imagines a girl child to be like?!

DH recently said that he wanted to keep trying for a daughter and would be happy to have another couple of sons in the process

You're not a breeding machine Moti - buy him a kitten he can play with. Words fail me