To consider a 3rd DC if we only want a girl

[Moti]

This has been playing on my mind. At the moment we have 2 x DSs and I am happy with that, my DH has always wanted a DD as he is from a family of boys. DH recently said that he wanted to keep trying for a daughter and would be happy to have another couple of sons in the process. I have managed to delay any more 'trying' as I have a new job and we have now agreed that we should wait until youngest DS is at school. But in all honesty I don't want to keep on having children just to get a girl. I love my sons to bits but don't want another son as things are good as they are, I would like a daughter to please my DH. Right from the beginning of our relationship he talked about his wish for a daughter but I have never been concerned about the gender of our children. Anyone been in the same boat?

Im wondering why I have tickets for the olympic womens badminton when girls aren't sporty....

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

What does he think girls do?

Sit down and play with ribbons?

My 3yo DD picks her nose, base jumps from anything she can, refuses to wear hair bands and is frankly a fantastic little tearaway. She is not a dolly.

I've already checked the prices of finishing schools

I would not 'try for a girl'. That makes no sense to me unless you have access to gender selection. Would not have another child just to 'please' DH (especially as there's no guarantee that he will be pleased with the outcome!). What if it's another boy, will he want you to 'try' a fourth child? A fifth?

Unless you both want another child, this sounds like a bad idea.

I think it would be extremely foolish to go ahead and get pregnant, knowing that you have a 50% chance of not getting the gender your husband wants (which is a slightly immature thing, really, isnt it?).

My aunt wanted a girl, very happy with her boys but really, really wanted a girl. She had 5 boys and lost the only girl she carried. Some men can't produce both genders, it's not anyone's fault, just the way it is.

So unless you would both be over joyed with with a 3rd boy I would say don't even try. However much DH might say, and even believe himself, that he loves all 3 boys the same, etc. they one who should have been a girl will feel the difference.

This thread is very . OP, I think your DH has serious issues that need resolving and quick, before any lasting damage is done. I could not stand by and listen to my DH say he loved our children, despite their gender - your poor, poor child.

When I was little, there was a family in our village with 10 (or possibly 11) boys, followed by one girl. They were known as the Football Team. Everyone knew the name of the oldest boy and sole girl, but the other 9 (or 10) were just a sort of homogenous mass of 'Jones boys'. How far could this all go?

To be fair, they seemed, en masse, a pretty happy bunch.

Well, of course girls can be sporty entropygirl, but I think maybe mothers have a different relationship with girls as they (generally) have more interests in common. Similarly, men and boys are more likely to have shared interests. All the men/boys in my family are obsessed with cars, for instance. Obviously there are exceptions.

marie so you think basically that mothers try and force their girls to be like them and fathers try and force their boys to be like them.

I think you are right but it totally sucks ass. Parents should be supporting their children to be who they want to be regardless of gender. Why shouldn't a mother share an interest in shopping with a son? Why shouldn't a father share an interest in cars with a daughter?

(obviously women with interests in cars and men into shopping will already be realising what a limiting pile of shit gender stereotyping is)

No, I don't think that at all. I'm a girl, I couldn't give a shit about cars. Or football. Or any of the other 'typically male' interests. Similarly, none of the men in my family share my love of fashion and ballet.

And - just for the record - I was brought up by 2 gay women in a feminist household.

Neither if you sounds mentally ready for any more children. And your husband really should have some sort of counselling.
Saying that to his son is not normal

So why would women have more in common with their daughters than sons?

I don't understand?

Either women intrinsically find the same stuff interesting (which has been demonstrated false any number of times) or we force the idea of what boys should like and what girls should like onto our children.

Do you see many ballet magazines aimed at boys? How are boys going to develop an interest in ballet when the whole world is telling them that the only interesting thing going is football?

If you assume your boys will be into football then the chances are they will be. If you take them to ballet classes the chances are they will be into that.

We do force this shit on our children.

I dont think yabu-your dh is a twunt however for saying that to your ds

I have lost 3 ds in the late stages of pregnancy-1 lived briefly and 2 were stillborn. However it doesnt upset me when people express a preference for 1 sex or the other.

With my first pregnancy dh and I were both desperate for a ds-we were lucky and got 1 but he only lived for a few hours.

When we fell pregnant again we wanted another boy-probably to replace the one we lost if I am honest and we got one.

When I found out I was having a dd I was flabbergasted-previous 4 pregnancies all ds. Dh was disapointed briefly but of course loves dd!

With our 3rd dc-not planned really!-we both again had a preference for a boy-not sure why-just did! and we got a boy.

Of course the most important thing is for a healthy baby but I wouldnt judge anyone for for saying they would prefer a particular sex either.

What about if you had a daughter and she dared to marry and leave the country? What would your husband have to say about that?

I think if you are happy with what you have you need to be having a serious conversation with your husband. He needs to appreciate what he has and not say stuff to your sons about wanting a daughter. If they don't feel wanted they will end up fulfilling his prophecy and leave asap.

We do force this shit on our children.

I am not quite sure I believe that. I am very girly. Nobody else in my family is. When my first son was born, he had both boy and girl toys. He never played with the girl toys but was obsessed with cars and trucks. That definitely was not conditioning. For a start, there were no men around to influence him.

I always had a closer relationship with my dad growing up (I'm female btw!) and we had more in common than I had with my mum.

People usually have a broader range of interests than the stereotypical fashion/ballet vs cars/football, so even assuming those things are gendered there is room for common ground - my dad and I had a shared interest in music for example.

But in general (and yes there are exceptions) boys and girls do behave differently. There are differences.
My DS has always loved anything with wheels, no pushing from anyone around him. Always hated craft and drawing and wants to be on the go. I'm not saying girls can't have these traits too but in general they are more commonly boy traits.
It is more than just society's expectations. There are differences. They aren't bad or better than each other they are just differences.

Just replying to the OP here.

Moti if your dh is basically saying to your second son that he loves him in spite of him being a boy, then what will he say to a third or fourth boy?

The problem here is not wanting a baby girl, the problem is your dh and his attitude. If you did have a girl now, do you not think that your second son would be pushed out? He's the boy they 'love' in spite of him being a boy, very much in the middle with an older brother who was the first boy and a younger sister who was the coveted girl.

It is attitudes like your dh's that screw children up for life. It would not be fair on your second ds if you were to have a girl now, knowing how your dh already speaks to your ds.

Why tell your ds something like that? Most parents just tell their kids they love them, there are no 'buts' or 'in spite ofs'. The very fact that your dh felt the need to tell your ds that says a lot about him.

I think he needs to get over his obsession and you should not be trying for another baby given his current state of mind and appauling attitude. If you really want a girl, as someone else said, there is always adoption. In fact there is a huge shortage of adoptive and foster parents. That's an awful lot of little girls looking for adoptive families but not finding any.

As for selective gender IVF. Morally I could not have healthy foetuses destroyed purely because they were the wrong sex.

But the main reason you should not have a girl is because of the way your dh treats your second ds now which should ring huge alarm bells about the way he would be treated (i.e. ignored) if you were to produce a girl. Your duty is towards your children first and foremost and as a mother you should not be putting their needs and priorities on the backbench in favour of your husband's selfish wants. If he can't love his son without adding in buts then he's not fit to father any more.

The different hormones must play a part too.
Stereotypes are formed for a reason sometimes. I'm not suggesting there is anything either gender shouldn't be able to do on the grounds of whether they are a boy or a girl but I do think there are certain behaviours that are more common in a girl and some that are more common in a boy.

I have 2 boys and a Dd then another Ds . Dd is more of z boy than the older boys ever were .

No dolls , no prams no dressing up no ballet etc , no pink or purple by time she was old enough to throw a hissy fit

Some men can't produce both genders?

Is this true???

My view on this is that having a preference over something that you cannot control is pointless. You get the children you are meant to have. Be thankful for that.

Fullo, I agree, I think hormones play a large roll in different female and male behaviours .

And if you only want a female DC next time, either adopt one or get a pet.

I dont think baby boys and girls are very different hormonally....they dont really separate until puberty.

I think ALL babies are fascinated by wheels and moving parts. I have yet to find one that wasnt.

But we steer girls away and boys towards as they get a little older.

You only have to be on MN a short while before you see some thread about 'my son wants a pram for his 7th birthday should I get it?' as if conforming to stereotypes is more important than supporting your childs interests....

So all in all I believe that while there are some general differences between girls and boys there is far larger individual variation. If children were truly brought up in a vacuum away from bias and with access to all options, I think you would only see a very slight increase in probability of two girls sharing an interest over a boy and girl.

I have two girls, I would never try for a third because DH and I never wanted a boy.

Whatever people say about simply wanting a healthy child, people do have preferences. I dint know why it's so taboo to admit it.

Clearly you shouldn't have another child if you won't love and care for it whatever gender it is and you must never ever let on you wanted the other flavour.