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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider a 3rd DC if we only want a girl

142 replies

Moti · 22/04/2012 21:23

This has been playing on my mind. At the moment we have 2 x DSs and I am happy with that, my DH has always wanted a DD as he is from a family of boys. DH recently said that he wanted to keep trying for a daughter and would be happy to have another couple of sons in the process. I have managed to delay any more 'trying' as I have a new job and we have now agreed that we should wait until youngest DS is at school. But in all honesty I don't want to keep on having children just to get a girl. I love my sons to bits but don't want another son as things are good as they are, I would like a daughter to please my DH. Right from the beginning of our relationship he talked about his wish for a daughter but I have never been concerned about the gender of our children. Anyone been in the same boat?

OP posts:

OutInAllWeathers · 22/04/2012 22:13

These kind of threads make me feel very

Memoo · 22/04/2012 22:18

I'm sorry but this is seriously messed up. I feel so sorry for your sons.

WinkyWinkola · 22/04/2012 22:18

If you definitely want a girl you could try Microsort or gender selection IVF. Neither are cheap I'm sure.

But boys are great too. I have one DD, two dss and another ds on the way. I felt sad each time I found out the gender but that was because I was saying good bye to one fantasy child not because I was upset the real baby was either sex.

Perhaps your dh should have a spot of counselling to investigate his feelings further? I mean, your boys shouldn't think he loves them despite their being boys.

CaveMum · 22/04/2012 22:21

You ought to point out to your DH that the sperm are responsible for the sex of the child, so it's his fault that you don't have a girl yet.

pumpkinsweetie · 22/04/2012 22:22

This thread makes me feel .
I have 4 DDs and i love them to bits and one day i would like another child but i wouldn't mind what sex we have as a child is your child no matter what and i would still be happy to have more girls.
Me and H are being pressurised by our pils for a while now about giving them a grandson to carry on their family line (a bloody joke!) and we said to them no we wont have a baby just to please you we will have a child when we feel ready not just to give them a grandson.
Op I think its pretty shallow of your husband imo to have a prefrence of what sex your child is going to be and unless you will be happy that you might end up having another boy i wouldn't ttc anymore because your husband may resent your new baby as he so wants a girl

amarone · 22/04/2012 22:24

You get what you're given. If you really want a daughter, adopt one.

thisisyesterday · 22/04/2012 22:25

i think if you feel like you are trying just to get a girl then you shouldn't. no.

i have 3 boys. am pleased as punch with them.

i also keep getting very a bit broody, however I am worried that subconciously it's because I want a girl. so I have decided not to TTC yet until I am certain it's another child I want.

I think your husband needs to accept that it's just as likely you'll have another son as have a daughter and you can't just keep on and on and on...

duckdodgers · 22/04/2012 22:25

A sons your son till he gets a wife but your daughters your daughter for all of her life

Right so a son is just meant to "forget" his parents jut because he got married, yeh right.

As a Mum of 3 lovely boys, 1 of whom is 19 and Im the closest to you have no idea how much this makes me [mad]. I dont believe it for a start - how can a child just suddenly be expected to "drop" you from their lives just because of their gender, what a load of crap! Although Im sure some of the women on this site would want it to be like this, with all their complaining about MILS.

OP - your DH has major issues and if you dont watch out he will transfer them to your children, Its 1 thing having a preference but to come out and say stuff to your own child that might make them question their own parents love for them based on their gender is entirely another!

thisisyesterday · 22/04/2012 22:31

duckdodgers it's just an old adage! calm down

some people do seem to believe this. and I do think that perhaps when it comes to grandchildren you are potentially going to be less involved with your sons children than your daughters

but i only say that based on my own experience really... i wanted to share everything with my mum, but not so much with DP's mum

clearly there are ALWAYS exceptions that, always. but most people I know are closer to their mum than to their MIL.

that makes me a bit sad (havng only boys!) but hopefully when mine are grown and starting families I will be a lovely MIL and v. involved

Chigley1 · 22/04/2012 22:33

Aren't you statistically more likely to have a boy if you have two already? I'm sure I read it's not necessarily 50/50 each time.

Also I used to know a couple who spent a lot amount of money at a clinic in the States in order to 'guarantee' a girl. They got twin boys.

duckdodgers · 22/04/2012 22:37

Och I know thisisyesterday just a bit pissed and in no mood for this old saying

Whilst I agree that most people are closer to their own Mum then their MIL (and why not) this also works equally that most men are closer to their own Mum than MIL to.

And really don't see why I should be potentially less involved with gc just because Im not the maternal granny really.

thisisyesterday · 22/04/2012 23:04

no, you are not statistically more likely to have the same sex if you have 2 already.

it's always a 50/50 chance (more or less)

another old wives tale i think.

thisisyesterday · 22/04/2012 23:06

i suppose because most men do less of the main childcare.

so if i am struggling with the kids i'll talk to my mum.
if i need a break, i'll go over to her place
the kids are generally with me, so if i go and see her they're with me

dp of course is very close to his mum, but because he does less of the child-rearing he does less talking to her about it?

fullofregrets · 23/04/2012 07:28

Shettles has been largely dismissed. In fact having sex before ovation is often boy territory.
There has been some evidence that ovation plus 12 hours is more likely to sway girl. But you have to pinpoint that time accurately.
Try ingender. There are loads of swaying diaries and lots of information about how diet and stuff can play a part.
I do think though that it probably only sways your odds a bit. Nothing is 100%, unless you have ivf treatment which is very expensive and illegal in the UK.

sashh · 23/04/2012 08:00

Please don't do it. You might get a girl, but she might not be the girl her dad wants.

I certainly am not the daughter or granddaughter I was expected to be. I think I have an alergy to pink.

You might get another boy, would you then go on for another? What would you tell this boy?

Have you considered adoption? I know it is a minefield.

somewherewest · 23/04/2012 08:16

Its perfectly normal to have a slight preference, but saying something so insensitive to your DS suggests that he has real issues around this. I would get him to try and work through them before even thinking about TTCing.

DialMforMummy · 23/04/2012 08:51

YABU. If you want another child, you should want another child, not a girl or a boy.
As for trying bullshit witchcraft (or IVF) to have a better chance to have a girl, then I think that's bonkers.
IVF was created for people who can not conceive, not for people who want a specific gender to type of baby.

MarieFromStMoritz · 23/04/2012 08:56

I honestly don't see anything wrong with 'family balancing' if you have a few of one gender and want one of the other. If he wants a daughter badly enough, then ask him if he is prepared to pay >10k to get one.

fullofregrets · 23/04/2012 09:00

And be prepared to go abroad!
I reckon it is what posh did after her three boys. Gender selected.

There is some evidence to suggest the more boys you have the more likely you are to keep having them. Don't know why. It doesn't make a huge difference to the odds but apparently does tip in favour of boys. Can't remember where I read that.

DialMforMummy · 23/04/2012 09:01

I have a blond baby. I would love a ginger one. Can I select that too? How much would it cost? What other criteria can good money buy? Bonkers.

SundayNightFever · 23/04/2012 09:18

OP, I think you are getting a really hard time. I think your DH's suggestion is unreasonable if you don't want a baby, and I think it would be unreasonable to have a baby purely because you want a girl - you need to want a baby, regardless. But I don't think that the sentiment is all that unusual - I know plenty of people with 2X DCs of the same sex who have (or whose husbands have) very openly admitted a desire for one of the opposite sex. It's not something I personally get - am completely over the moon with my boys and would be happy for a third - but I don't think it's as shocking as some people are making out, I think you're just being honest about your reasons (which are probably the motivation behing quite a few 3rd children).

BillyBollyBandy · 23/04/2012 09:27

I have 2 dd's. I want a third child. I can promise you if I had one of each I would still want a third child.

I am curious about what it would be like to have a son, but think the idea of 3 girls is noisy lovely. I will be overjoyed if we are blessed with another.

It is a huge risk to bring another life into the world on a 50/50 chance.

I was the last of 3, I had 2 brothers and then they had me. My dm has alwys been very clear that they wanted another child, they did not have a third just for a girl. And tbh growing up with 2 big brothers took away any girliness I may have been born with.

olgaga · 23/04/2012 09:37

I was my Dad's first daughter after 4 boys (the first three were from his first wife, who died young). I was his "favourite" until he realised I wasn't going to live up to his expectations. I can't tell you how awful it is to grow up constantly trying to please, but I could never compete with the fantasy girl of my dad's imagination. It also completely ruined my relationship with my nearest older brother who was a "disappointment", and who frankly despised me.

My DH had to live with being the disappointment - he was supposed to be a girl. He was always very much aware that he could never quite please his mum (his dad died when he was young), but didn't fully understand why until our daughter was born and MIL let slip. Instead he grew up being constantly reminded about what a "difficult" baby he had been compared to his older brother. MIL's would say "If he'd been my first I'd have stopped at one".

Follow your instincts, OP. You might feel differently a few years down the line, and want another baby. But having children to get one of the "right" sex is so wrong.

Also, I know from friends' experiences that three is a damn sight harder work than two!

WinkyWinkola · 23/04/2012 09:44

Fwiw I personally didn't find 2 to 3 dcs hard at all. The hardest bit was 0 to 1.

But I think you should really think carefully if you're mad keen for a boy especially if you get one. Your sons will definitely feel second best judging by their father's comments to them.

Why is everyone wanting a girl anyway? I mean I don't think gender selection using Shettles or Microsort is such a crime but girls seem to be favoured. And then later in life treated so badly - glass ceiling, salary discrimination etc.

jellybeans · 23/04/2012 09:44

Please only have another baby if you don't mind the gender. If you hope for one, that is fine. But if you 'don't want another boy' then it would be crazy! After having miscarriages and stillbirths I can honestly say that gender means nothing. A healthy living baby is everything. I now have both genders and honestly none is better than the other-it is more about personality. I did have 3 of the same gender first but sadly number 3 was stillborn. If you can have a healthy baby at all you are just so lucky.

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