Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to do this? I feel so crap.

107 replies

SlothsAreNotSoLazy · 21/04/2012 11:58

Right, as a family we all used to live in the same area. Me, my mum, my sisters, my aunt ect... gradually over the last 6 years they have all moved away, about 40 mins away by car and now me and my gran are the only ones who live here. She lives about 3 mins away from me.

I have 5 kids.

My gran is almost 70 now and has many, many problems, they are looking to move her closer to them,

I make extra dinners when i can (but tbh im struggling to get enough to feed us 7!!)

As shes getting worse im feeling more pressure. A few days ago my mum rang and asked me to go round and shower my gran,

I really don't feel comftable with doing this. I feel awful for feeling that way but I'm not that kind of person, it mortifies me.

And now I've just got a phonecall from my aunt saying my gran has had an 'accident' and needs cleaning up and will I go do it.

I said yes as i felt put on the spot but rang my mum straight after and said i couldn't do it and my mum was angry and shouted 'your only round the corner'

i feel annoyed as i dont think its my responsibility and they are the ones that moved away.... but then again she is my gran but i have a large family to look after and i just dont want to get involved with stuff like that :( :(

I really don't know what to do.

My mum is there helping her now but AIBU to say i don't want to be made to clean her up ect??

Im most likely going to have to do all that with my own mum and dad, i dont want to have to go through it twice.

Please dont be mean about me, im not a bad person, just 'personal' things like that turn my tummy :(

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 21/04/2012 12:00

OP have you explored what care options are available? I'm sure someone will be along shortly with more info about this but can they send carers out?

Bambino81 · 21/04/2012 12:01

I think you should go tbh, she's your gran. I know it's not nice for u but she's an old lady sat there in her own mess.

Maybe they need to think about putting Gran in a home?

Original poster
SlothsAreNotSoLazy · 21/04/2012 12:02

She has people come in week days morning and night to cook for her, she keeps falling over... I think she needs to move in with one of her kids till they can find her a 'granny flat' with a warden.

OP posts:
Bambino81 · 21/04/2012 12:02

Sorry, I didn't read where you said your mum was there now

GinPalace · 21/04/2012 12:05

Long-term I think you need to discuss a better solution with the family - more formally. OK your mum was annoyed you didn't want to deal with an on-the-spot emergency. I can see her POV but you can't trip round there at the drop of a hat frequently as you have many other responsibilities.

A family summit meeting is needed.

BarredfromhavingStella · 21/04/2012 12:06

YANBU, you're not her carer & she's not your responsibility. Your mum shouldn't expect you to deal with these issues because you're nearest, she should be sorting care for her mum-you have enough to do with 5 kids.

featherbag · 21/04/2012 12:07

If your gran needs this sort of assistance, i.e. with personal care etc., there are 3 choices given that you don't feel able to do it (please do not let anyone make you feel guilty for this, not everyone can do it and doing it purely because you're being forced will erode your relationship with your gran, not to mention her dignity). Your gran can move in with/closer to your mum, who can provide all of her care. Your gran can speak to SS and arrange for carers to come in to her home to provide personal care. Or your gran can move into a care home.

YADNBU, and don't let anyone convince you you are.

GinPalace · 21/04/2012 12:07

You need to explain to them, though you are closest you can't be relied on as you are only one person and have 5 people relying on you already. How thin do they think you can spread yourself. Practically speaking they need to consider more solid arrangements if things are getting tough with gran and the drop-in care isn't enough.

DucketyDuckDuck · 21/04/2012 12:11

Sounds like you need a family meeting.

Some decisions need to be made about your Gran's longterm future care.

It shouldn't all be on your shoulders.

I'm no expert, but maybe some external help is required. Meals on Wheels, a carer.

Apart from it being distressing for you to see your Gran like that, perhaps you could open the discussion with it being distressing for your Gran that her Granddaughter is having to see these things. (Haven't worded it well).

Good Luck

3littlefrogs · 21/04/2012 12:13

You need to get in touch with social services. Your gran is entitled to attendance allowance, and you may well be entitled to carer's allowance. Social services can arrange an assessment, and then you may well be able to get a carer to visit daily to help your gran get showered and dressed.

If there are continence issues, they can help with that. She might be able to get a place in a day centre.

I have been through all this with my parents, and am going through it all again with my PIL.

Also, google AGE UK. they have lots of helpful information.

CrumpettyTree · 21/04/2012 12:14

It seems odd that they all moved away just at the time when the gran was starting to need more help. Were they wanting to avoid being the one helping her and hoping someone else would do it? I think it's a lot to expect of you when you have five children to cope with. Could your mum offer to have your gran move in with her so she can be on hand? Or look for care home options?

Original poster
SlothsAreNotSoLazy · 21/04/2012 12:20

No they arent shirking their responsibilities. they all do alot.

And to be fair its not all on my shoulders as i dont do much of anything bar prepare a few meals but shes gone downhill fast and is rewuiring personal help and thats not something i want to do.

Social services are involved and wheels are in motion to move her but in the meantime im the one thats here but i dont feel i can do that stuff.

OP posts:
GinPalace · 21/04/2012 12:29

So there is a gap between needs and help currently and no-one planned or wanted it and steps are being taken to change it.

Your main issue is not necessarily the level of demand so much as the nature of it.

I think that is what I understand. In which case if you are really the only option you might have to grit your teeth and do it. We all have to deal with unpleasantness at some point - no-one likes it. Personally I admire those who do what they would really rather not out of duty and/or love. I have had to do this. It is like filling in job applications - we all hate it but it must be done.

I can sympathise, but I don't condone dodging it if it is mainly out of personal distaste. Even if that distaste is written into your core like a stick of rock. Gran's needs trump it IMO.

prettyfly1 · 21/04/2012 12:32

Op I do understand how hard it is but with the sort of care your nan needs takes time to arrange, everyone else has moved and the poor old woman is sitting there sitting in her own mess, which is likely to be far more embarrassing for her then you. I do feel for you but I think you need to pull up your britches, put your mortification aside and do what you can for now, regardless of the suffering, then put pressure on your family and the social system to move faster. Ultimately tooing and froing over moral arguments and who should be doing what arent getting her clean and whilst I feel for you massively her needs and feelings need to come first right now.

thatisall · 21/04/2012 12:34

I think that in the short term you're kinda going to have to deal with it. You don't want Gran sat there in her own mess. But your own family commitments mean that it isn't ideal for you to be the 'on-call' family member, however close you are.

The fact that Gran is ringing Aunts and your Mum who pass the message on to you should tell your whole family something...she is asking her DAUGHTERS to come and clean her up and they are sending her granddaughter. Maybe she is as uncomfortable with it being you?

Someone needs to ask what your Gran wants, this can't carry on and potentially is only going to get worse?

I feel for you OP Its a really awful situation

chipsandmushypeas · 21/04/2012 12:38

Yanbu to not want to do it, especially when you have 5 dcs at home to care for. You need to put your foot down with your mother. She's her mother so she should be living near her now and caring for her before anyone.

When your mum gets old would you send your children to shower her? no, you will have to care for her too.

Sounds harsh but I would have a serious talk with your family on everyone mucking in, it's not just your job because you live around the corner.

thatisall · 21/04/2012 12:39

I know you said they all help out with things, but its the on call nature of what they're asking of you that is actually even more unfair than the intimate nature of it. You have so many more responsibilities right now than those with grown up children.

Gently...put your foot down

DPrince · 21/04/2012 12:40

I can see both sides tbh. You are closer, but you can't always be available. I do think saying yes, then no isn't very fair on anyone. Your gran needed help and had to wait for someone to drive 40 mins plus the time it took you to change your mind and call your mum. If this is becoming regular (needing someone nearby) you need to speak to your family as she needs more care than you can give.
I do think your being unfair saying you feel uncomfortable doing it, but expect that she should move in with one of her kids. What if they all feel like you?

DairyNips · 21/04/2012 12:47

It's unfair of them to ask you to do this at all. She's their responsibility. You're her granddaughter. It doesn't matter if you're closer, if you don't feel comfortable doing that kind of thing they shouldn't get angry at you for it.

Fair enough calling on you to help with an occasional meal or to pop in and see her but they can't just force you to do things you don't wan to do. Stick to your guns.

knowwhenyouhavebeenbeaten · 21/04/2012 12:59

I think YABU to leave your gran like that. Shock But long term a solution needs to be arranged.

MrsShitty · 21/04/2012 13:05

YANBU and she didn't "leave her Gran like that " knowwhenyouhavebeen she arranged for her Mum to go.

It's not EVREYONE who can cope with giving this kind of care to loved ones...some people get very distressed by it and the OP is beng leaned on in a way she's not happy with.

OP...your Gran needs daily care...your Mum needs to sort that out.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/04/2012 13:40

No way would i consider doing this, if you dont want to you dont have to, no argument really. She is not your responsibility. If she requires this kind of personal care surely she shouldnt be living alone.

GinPalace · 21/04/2012 13:53

Baby OP says that social services are involved and wheels are in motion to move Gran, but in the meantime there is a shortfall. Should she just wash her hands of her own gran then, nowt to do with her? OP says the rest of the family aren't shirking, and the help OP would give is a temporary emergency measure, based on what she has said.

DaisySteiner · 21/04/2012 13:56

I can't quite believe you refused to go and help clean her up and left her to wait for your mum who is 40 minutes away Shock I totally agree that as the situation seems to be deteriorating then some proper care needs to be put in place, but to refuse to help as one-off?! I find that pretty shocking tbh.

GinPalace · 21/04/2012 13:59

If it was me, I would clean her up, all the while inside I would be hating it, but all my gran would see is a pair of willing cheerful hands, and some jokes to make it better for both of us. Why is that beyond you? Do you think there are some people out there who love cleaning up accidents? You must've cleaned up plenty in your time with 5 kids to care for. I'm surprised you aren't more inured tbh.