to not want to do this? I feel so crap.

[SlothsAreNotSoLazy]

Right, as a family we all used to live in the same area. Me, my mum, my sisters, my aunt ect... gradually over the last 6 years they have all moved away, about 40 mins away by car and now me and my gran are the only ones who live here. She lives about 3 mins away from me.

I have 5 kids.

My gran is almost 70 now and has many, many problems, they are looking to move her closer to them,

I make extra dinners when i can (but tbh im struggling to get enough to feed us 7!!)

As shes getting worse im feeling more pressure. A few days ago my mum rang and asked me to go round and shower my gran,

I really don't feel comftable with doing this. I feel awful for feeling that way but I'm not that kind of person, it mortifies me.

And now I've just got a phonecall from my aunt saying my gran has had an 'accident' and needs cleaning up and will I go do it.

I said yes as i felt put on the spot but rang my mum straight after and said i couldn't do it and my mum was angry and shouted 'your only round the corner'

i feel annoyed as i dont think its my responsibility and they are the ones that moved away.... but then again she is my gran but i have a large family to look after and i just dont want to get involved with stuff like that :( :(

I really don't know what to do.

My mum is there helping her now but AIBU to say i don't want to be made to clean her up ect??

Im most likely going to have to do all that with my own mum and dad, i dont want to have to go through it twice.

Please dont be mean about me, im not a bad person, just 'personal' things like that turn my tummy :(

Baby Nothing would be done unless it was flagged up. In a case where no family this would be friends or health professionals and only if they were there when / after it had happened or if they were suspicious that it was happening.

OP, make sure you keep in regular contact with the social worker to speed things up, they will hurry on it if they are getting mithered and it only take them the time to commission the care and for the care agency to find the time slots. If things really go downhill in the meantime, there are always emergency respite places kept in care homes, but this would have to be an emergency.

Don't beat yourself up about it, speak to the family and get on to the social worker.

I'm not sure whether this is helpful to post or not, so just skip if not, ok? I looked after my gran when she was ill and did wash her and help her with the loo, and so on.

The first time we realized she was having continence problems she was staying at my parents' house and my dad woke me up in the morning to tell me I needed to clean up the poo in the bathroom. And I was pretty cross - because it felt as if, because this was a family issue, he felt he could tell me what to do (and I was an adult), and because he seemed to reckon it was my job because I was a woman and my mum shouldn't be expected to do this for her mother.

I'm saying this to see if it rings any bells (and to reassure you you're not alone, too). I wonder if you feel like your mum/aunt are doing something similar? It must seem pretty tough to find your adult life is interrupted by something where your family don't seem to be giving you much choice. Can you maybe explain that, although they've all moved away, this doesn't mean you're the default contact?

I do think this is something, though, that once you do it, you feel quite differently, and you may be surprised to find the idea of cleaning her up is actually a lot worse than the reality. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

what about the aunt? she was rung first. by the time she rang the op she could have been half way there. why assume the op has instant child care on tap?

"I can see in an emergency the OP doing it could be the only feasible option". But it was an emergency, and whilst long term there needs to be other solutions (preferably organised fast, before the poor old lady loses all her dignity) there are times when you do have to step up and deal with it.

Sloths YANBU all I had to do was think would I like my DD to have to clean up either of her GMs and the answer which came back was a resounding 'no'.

I would move heaven and earth to not inflict this on my DD.

IMO your mother and aunt let you down.

OK yes gran was sat in her own mess and thats not nice BUT it was only for a short time. I think it's good you said no if you feel uncomfortable doing it. Saying that now means you don't get into the routine of cleaning her up and they can look at all the options. She obviously needs more care then she is presently recieving and would maybe benefit from a home?

One thing I did find, when I had to do MIL personal care, was that I could cope with yucky stuff a lot better when I was wearing a pair of gloves.

I think you should have helped your gran rather than making her wait 40 minutes for your mum.

I think it's totally fine to refuse to have an ongoing role as a carer, but not helping out in an emergency, when you were able to, is a bit mean.

I think your gran's needs are more important than you feeling embarrassed or squeamish.

One day you might be the vulnerable person needing help.

YANBU! I can understand how you feel so ignore the negative posts. How can the op get child care for 5 children quickly anyway? She wouldn't want to take them with her - that would be really embarrassing for her gran. I would never expect my children to clean up my mum if the need ever arose. I am dreading the time when I might have to clean her up myself as she is 90 now. It's just something I will find really hard to do so don't worry Sloths, many people would feel the same as you in your situation.

What a horrible thread. I find it sad that you could not find it within yourself to want to go and help your own Grandma.

YABU

OP, I haven't read the whole post but just wanted to pop in to offer some support and understanding YANBU

DH and I lived with my dad for 3 months b4 we found a new place and my Grandma (his mother) came to visit. Because the bath and shower were upstairs and she couldn't get to them, my dad asked if I would assist her with her personal care. I said No. I was really, really uncomfortable with it - it would have totally changed the dynamic of our relationship. I think she would not have wanted that either. She was only staying a couple of days so I thought it was a bit unnecessary. Tbh, if it came to it, I would have looked after her but the situation didn't arise.

In your case, your family might need to start looking into 24 hour care. If she's having accidents (of whatever kind) now, she needs more help and attention. My Grandma is now in a care home, with dementia, but she was only put into residential care after a distressing stay in hospital, which I think made things worse.

I would also say that, sadly, as you are nearest, you might have to steel yourself that, even if just for a short time, you are the first point of support in an emergency. You've had 5 kids so I'm sure you can do it in an emergency!

Hope this is sorted out soon x

Zakinthos - the OP isn't saying she changed her mind (after agreeing she would go round) because of childcare, she just didn't want to. I completely agree that OP can not provide ongoing care. But to leave her nan in her own mess? I just don't get, as a pp said by the time someone got there, skin issues will have probably started. I couldn't leave my nana in her own mess, I couldn't. Tbh I am not surprised the OPs mum was annoyed, why not say no straight away? Or once you agreed, do it and arrange a time to discuss ongoing care.

Isn't it queer how people don't want to clear their own family's mess up but think a stranger on minimum wage should do it? Why should social services have to care for a woman who has two daughters and two granddaughters? If OP's grandma is only 70 this could go on for many years. Families should take care of their own.

I was in a similar situation a few months ago. My very proud grandfather got very poorly and would mess himself frequently and had previously always said he'd die rather than have his poo cleaned up by someone let alone his granddaughter but it fell to me as he wanted ME to do it (I'm a nurse) and requested although he would have felt so awkward and degraded doing so. Think about how hard it must be for your Grandmother to get to the point she is asking for your help with this- it will be far more uncomfortable for her than you.
It is hard with your own commitments and family, I found myself doing more and more for my grandad whilst holding down a full time job that I didn't get to do most of my own chores at home. But he just needed someone he could rely on at a time he felt humiliated and vulnerable. Now he's gone I really miss those last few months I spent with him even though it was very awkward and stressful

Jesus. I am stunned at this thread. If you have had five kids, you must used to cleaning up a bit of shite- and why does this family demarcation come in? You would clean your own mother, not your GM as that's your mother's responsibilty????
If one of your kids pooed themselves, would you be happy if a relative rang you and told you to drive 40 mins to clean them up/
It's not about family- it about BEING HUMAN. No, it's not nice but we all start off like this and we'll end up like this as well.
I cleaned up after my grandfather in his latter years, when we were trying to sort out some sort of care. Yes, it was mortifying for both of us but a) he did it for me when I was little and b) I was not going to let him sit in shite because of my own precious feelings...

'Isn't it queer how people don't want to clear their own family's mess up but think a stranger on minimum wage should do it? Why should social services have to care for a woman who has two daughters and two granddaughters? If OP's grandma is only 70 this could go on for many years. Families should take care of their own.'

Are you serious? When you say 'families', you clearly mean 'women'. That is a really disgusting attitude. You don't even think about what male family members could do to help - but you can't understand the granddaughter having some natural shame about seeing her granny naked or doing her personal care?

OP, it is perfectly normal to feel squeamish. I think it is different when it's your family.

I expect you're really busy right now but when you see this thread - please don't let it get you down. It sounds like a really sad situation all round but you will all find a way to do what you can, I'm sure.

As I said upthread, I've been the minimum wage carer helping people to the toilet/changing pads and it is different. With a stranger, it's a job and you get on with it, chat about other things and go as fast as possible while still doing a decent job. My gran is my gran and it would feel extremely disrespectful and a massive invasion of her privacy. She would feel utterly humiliated if I so much as saw her with no clothes on.

I think that makes perfect sense, purple.

I don't know if this does, but the thing that I think can add to squeamishness/reluctance is that if you're not a trained carer, you've no idea what you are doing, how to lift up another adult, etc. etc. An adult woman is properly heavy and I remember being scared I would not only embarrass, but also hurt my gran when I tried to lift her.

Saying that is not me saying 'oh, some stranger who does this for a job can do it, I'm too good to get my hands dirty', it's me recognizing they do know what they are doing. The OP doesn't and having five children is in no way the same.

If the person is immobile then you need specialist equipment (slide sheets, hoist) and properly trained staff to operate it. It's completely unreasonable to expect an inexperienced family member to do that ad hoc and alone

How many people change their child's nappy standing up? On older children/adults it's considered undignified to a) call it a nappy (the word is pad, whether it's a sticky thing like a sanitary towel, disposable absorbent pants or shaped like a baby's nappy) and b) make the person lie helplessly on their back. It's a completely different skill to changing a small child - you're not allowed to lift them by the feet for a start

"When you say 'families', you clearly mean 'women'. That is a really disgusting attitude"

No, I don't mean women, I mean families - which is clearly what I said

I didn't mention male family members because, from OP's post, her gran doesn't have a husband, son or brother who could help whereas she does have TWO daughters who must be in their 40s/early 50s and TWO grand-daughters.

If they, and Grandma, want to pay for carers then they need to put something in place not expect Social Services to do everything for them.

And if paid carers can be trained how to lift people, then so can family members.

Yes, I'm sure you're right, there must be no male family members.

You are really devaluing the skills of paid carers, the way you're talking. I nursed a sick elderly woman and I learned quite a bit, but there is no way I would pretend it was the same as having proper training and, as purple points out, equipment.

I do hope the OP or someone else quickly managed to sort her gran out yesterday because (like all of us) I feel sad at the idea of her sitting in her own mess a minute longer than she has to, but you're making out it is much easier than it really is. I don't see that being helpful.

www.carers.org/
They will help you

www.carers.org/

ageuk.org.uk