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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to do this? I feel so crap.

107 replies

SlothsAreNotSoLazy · 21/04/2012 11:58

Right, as a family we all used to live in the same area. Me, my mum, my sisters, my aunt ect... gradually over the last 6 years they have all moved away, about 40 mins away by car and now me and my gran are the only ones who live here. She lives about 3 mins away from me.

I have 5 kids.

My gran is almost 70 now and has many, many problems, they are looking to move her closer to them,

I make extra dinners when i can (but tbh im struggling to get enough to feed us 7!!)

As shes getting worse im feeling more pressure. A few days ago my mum rang and asked me to go round and shower my gran,

I really don't feel comftable with doing this. I feel awful for feeling that way but I'm not that kind of person, it mortifies me.

And now I've just got a phonecall from my aunt saying my gran has had an 'accident' and needs cleaning up and will I go do it.

I said yes as i felt put on the spot but rang my mum straight after and said i couldn't do it and my mum was angry and shouted 'your only round the corner'

i feel annoyed as i dont think its my responsibility and they are the ones that moved away.... but then again she is my gran but i have a large family to look after and i just dont want to get involved with stuff like that :( :(

I really don't know what to do.

My mum is there helping her now but AIBU to say i don't want to be made to clean her up ect??

Im most likely going to have to do all that with my own mum and dad, i dont want to have to go through it twice.

Please dont be mean about me, im not a bad person, just 'personal' things like that turn my tummy :(

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 21/04/2012 14:00

YANBU, you have five children of your own and their needs must come first. This care of your gran needs temporarily sharing out among the family whilst you wait for a proper care package to be arranged with SS - for example could your Mum or AUnt come and spend time with her (they are only 40 minutes away, not 4hours). Or could your gran go and stay with your Mum or Aunt temporaritly.

I would make your point very clear - that you cannot be available at the drop of a hat. If you don't you risk becoming your Gran's primary carer by default.

mirry2 · 21/04/2012 14:05

Your gran called your aunt, not you. So she must have been uncomfortable telling you.

Becaroooo · 21/04/2012 14:08

I think if you love someone you suck it up and deal with it.

DaisySteiner · 21/04/2012 14:09

I've found this thread extremely [sad to read. I never knew so many people felt this way Shock I mean, nobody wants to do this kind of thing, but to leave you own grandmother sitting in her mess?!

chipsandmushypeas · 21/04/2012 14:12

I wouldn't want my grandchildren wiping my arse daisy my children on the other hand...Grin

PurplePidjin · 21/04/2012 14:14

I've done a fair bit of care work and would do that for a stranger, but it would feel like a massive line to cross with a family member (gran is 91)

However, unless you have childcare issues you do need to do the same as your siblings - so if they would clean up a toilet accident you might also need to. It's something that needs agreeing as a family.

Get onto Age Concern etc, there are ways to speed up social services. Unfortunately, the more family help is available the less of a priority the person is Sad

PurplePidjin · 21/04/2012 14:15

Oh, and I would be straight round to help my family in that situation. That doesn't mean it would be an easy thing to do despite my professional experience.

chipsandmushypeas · 21/04/2012 14:17

My dm has pushed me to clean/bathe/undress my nan. I did it but it felt very uncomfortable as I was forced into it as my dm was working.

ninedragons · 21/04/2012 14:17

Honestly? I find it horrifying that you'd leave your grandmother in that condition for 40 minutes.

I can see why you don't want to shoulder the burden of pretty much full-time care, but Jesus, you left her sitting there.

Becaroooo · 21/04/2012 14:17

How can a grown adult get "distressed" by poo? Its only poo, its not radioactive. Its not a pleasant job, obv, but a very neccessary one. Your poor Gran. I wonder how many times she cleaned you up as a child???

You sound very selfish and childish to me. Lets hope your kids/grandkids dont feel the same if you are ever in a similar position eh, OP?

DaisySteiner · 21/04/2012 14:20

In reality I would imagine she'd be sitting in it for >40 minutes by the time she's phoned your aunt, she's phoned you, you've told your mum you didn't want to do it. At least an hour. She could well be looking at a grade 2 pressure ulcer by that stage Shock

GinPalace · 21/04/2012 14:25

Well OP did say she expects to be doing this with her own parents so doesn't want to have to do it twice, that'll be the benefit of a crystal ball I suppose. Hmm

WandaDoff · 21/04/2012 14:25

I had to sort my MIL out that way many times in the last few years of her life.

It wasn't something I wanted to do, & I resented it greatly. I still did it though, as I would rather a bit of embarrassment & distaste than the other option of leaving her sat in her own mess for hrs possibly. The poor soul was already mortified that she'd shit herself without me making it worse for her.

MainlyMaynie · 21/04/2012 14:26

I can understand you not wanting to take on long term responsibility, but I am completely disgusted that you left her after she'd had an accident. Noone wants to deal with that sort of thing, but we all need to occasionally.

Becaroooo · 21/04/2012 14:26

I have seen pressure ulcers and they are hideous...so painful for the poor sufferer and completely avoidable if the patient is given decent timely care.

Sad
chipsandmushypeas · 21/04/2012 14:29

It is her mothers responsibility to move closer or move her mother nearer to her, or get a carer to visit her as its got to a stage where she needs help. How can her own daughter leave her like that?

GinPalace · 21/04/2012 14:32

Chips OP says those plans are happening - but sometimes there is a gap between actioning the plan and it happening, in the meantime....

Original poster
SlothsAreNotSoLazy · 21/04/2012 14:49

I do see what you are saying but my gran didnt ring me. i dont think she would want me cleaning her up. she rang my aunt.

and im worried that everytime it happens they will ring me rather than make the trip.

Cleaning your own child is very different to cleaning an old lady.

I dont think i could do it whilst making her comftable and not embarresed

i wouldnt expect my grandkidsto dothat... and i dontthink mygran did. otberwise she would have phoned me.

OP posts:
SuperSlattern · 21/04/2012 14:54

I do think people are being unfair to the op. By the time her mum/aunt have contacted her, she has arranged childcare and got round there I bet her mum or aunt would get there quicker.

I think five children is more than enough for one person to handle.

It does come across if the OP's mum and aunt are expecting a little too much. If they are that concerned about their own DM they would move her in with them, surely? Personally I wouldn't leave the care of my elderly mother to my daughter/niece, regardless of how many children she had.

OTTMummA · 21/04/2012 15:00

I think it is really awful for your mum and aunts to put pressure on you to do this tbh.
I also think it is more of your nans childrens responsibility to care for your nan, she didn't phone you did she?
I am wondering why they have all slowly moved away, convienient isn't it?

You need to make it clear that you are not your nans carer, and that you are fine with cooking meals, changing bedding or cleaning, but really you will not be clearing messes that she makes, ( i think she would not like it either, or she would of phoned you ).

I won't be asking my children to wipe my arse, and have said i want to be in a home or sheltered acc, as soon as i need it.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/04/2012 15:02

Genuine question: What if there was no family around, what would happen then?

MadamFolly · 21/04/2012 20:22

I think your Grans kids need to be taking it in turns to stay with her if she needs such timely help. OP will very quickly become assumed to be the primary carer if she does this a couple of times.

Babylon1 · 21/04/2012 20:26

FWIW I Don't think YABU at all.

I understand where you are coming from too x

birdsofshoreandsea · 21/04/2012 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/04/2012 20:39

I can see why you feel as you do, but FWIW I think it's less awful-feeling if you just get on with it without thinking too much.

I do get why you feel squeamish, it's not fun, but it must be mortifying and horrible for her too.

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