to not want to do this? I feel so crap.

[SlothsAreNotSoLazy]

Right, as a family we all used to live in the same area. Me, my mum, my sisters, my aunt ect... gradually over the last 6 years they have all moved away, about 40 mins away by car and now me and my gran are the only ones who live here. She lives about 3 mins away from me.

I have 5 kids.

My gran is almost 70 now and has many, many problems, they are looking to move her closer to them,

I make extra dinners when i can (but tbh im struggling to get enough to feed us 7!!)

As shes getting worse im feeling more pressure. A few days ago my mum rang and asked me to go round and shower my gran,

I really don't feel comftable with doing this. I feel awful for feeling that way but I'm not that kind of person, it mortifies me.

And now I've just got a phonecall from my aunt saying my gran has had an 'accident' and needs cleaning up and will I go do it.

I said yes as i felt put on the spot but rang my mum straight after and said i couldn't do it and my mum was angry and shouted 'your only round the corner'

i feel annoyed as i dont think its my responsibility and they are the ones that moved away.... but then again she is my gran but i have a large family to look after and i just dont want to get involved with stuff like that :( :(

I really don't know what to do.

My mum is there helping her now but AIBU to say i don't want to be made to clean her up ect??

Im most likely going to have to do all that with my own mum and dad, i dont want to have to go through it twice.

Please dont be mean about me, im not a bad person, just 'personal' things like that turn my tummy :(

What a horrible situation to be in OP. I do think in this one situation I would have gone and cleaned her up, but I can see that you may have had other things on your hands with 5 children and also didn't want to set a precedent.

I think that as you are now being seen as default carer you need to be very involved in the decision making around your gran's care and that means ensuring that she does get home help even if she has to pay for it. There is a chance that your family will be reluctant to do this ( because they aren't the ones who live 3 mins away) but you need to do this otherwise you will be the one getting the telephone calls ongoing.

LRD I suppose given your MN nn you feel obliged to see an anti-women agenda in every post but, given the OP didn't mention any close male relatives, I am assuming there are none. If grandma does have a son or grandson then I think they should pitch in on an equal footing with the women, just as DH's uncle did with his mother; in fact he was her full-time carer.

I'm not de-valuing the skills of paid carers, though I think society often does by paying them very low wages. What I'm saying is that if grandma keeps having accidents then it is the family's (male and female) duty to ensure she gets the care she needs rather than expect the state to do it - at this stage.

I'm not suggesting that OP and her family expect this but many of the posters on this thread clearly do.

Your aunt should of been straight of the phone and round to her mother op.
It is wrong, and horrible of them to expect you to drop everything whilst having 5 children to go to her.
I am sure that your nan would of phoned you if she wanted or felt comfortable with you doing it, but she didn't did she? and she knows you are closer, so clearly she didn't want you to do it.

Your nans children need to either mover her in with them, or spend time overnight with her equally until they can arrange a proper system of care for her, that is their responsibilty, they are capable and next of kin really, so it shouldn't fall to you.

What would they have done if you hadn't been availble? left her there until they could get hold of you?

I'm glad to see you clarify that, PAH.

As I said, I'm wondering about this issue because it's my experience caring for elderly relatives can involve some shocks in terms of family members making assumptions about female relatives having to do the work.

I don't see why you think this elderly woman doesn't deserve 'the state' (or a private nurse?) to care for her. Given what's been said about the awkwardness of caring for a relative, both in terms of how she might feel and in terms of teh safety aspects, I think it's pretty obvious what the benefits of trained, non-family help are. The OP should not feel guilty if the long-term solution isn't that she herself cares for her gran - that might well involve a worse level of care than proper trained carers.

because the State doesn't have enough money to pay for the basic care of the increasing number of frail, elderly people and things aren't going to improve. If her family are able to provide it for the foreseeable future then I think they are morally obliged to do so. And I stress the family, not just the OP.

Elderly people might not want their relatives tending to them but, and this might sound ruthless, they are not going to have much choice unless they can afford 24 hour private care.

It's a subject that we all need to think about, in fact this thread prompted DH and I to have a conversation about these things last night. We're in our late mid 40s with a young DD and DH's parents are not getting any younger (mine died whilst relatively young). Life is hard.

Is 'the State', as you put it, not 'morally obliged' to do anything to get its finger out of its arse with the finances, then?

Guilt-tripping people out of applying for social services' help with elderly relatives seems, well, pretty nasty, to be honest.

@ 'the State doesn't have enough money'
But does have enough to give millionaires a £40,000 tax cut in the Budget
Get a grip

My Mom cared for her mother until she died, it was a hellish time for everyone involved. She has made it quite clear she would rather die than put her children in the same position. And yes, she means it.

I feel exactly the same. No way would i consider providing personal care for anyone other than my child and a certainly wouldnt want them doing so for me. Moral outlook is all well and good, but honestly if the government are going to expect us to go down that route they had better legalise euthanasia, I want dont want to recieve personal care from my family. I would rather be long gone thanks.

PoorAudrey, do you have any idea how dom care, residential and nursing homes are funded? I suggest you ask nice Auntie Google to educate you before you make assumptions like that!

And, yes -- women are expected to fill in the gaps

www.wrc.org.uk/includes/documents/cm_docs/2011/m/microsoft_word_women_and_the_cuts_factsheet_omnes.pdf

Can't link to fawcett.org.uk at present

How can these family members be on hand to provide this care, if they are working?

Or are they meant to pack their jobs in to care for their mother/ gran?

PoorAudrey, do you have any experience of this type of situation?

When you get help through social services you do actually have to pay for it.

The advantage of alerting social services is that they will (hopefully)help you to access the correct kind of trained, insured help that is appropriate.

It is very stressful, hard work looking after elderly realtives, holding down a job, and caring for children. Unless you have actually done all that, for years at a time, I don't think you should comment on the OP's position.

This is AIBU - of course I should comment.

And to answer your question: yes i have.

its easy for them to just phone when they have all moved away and i understand you feel immense pressure.

but yabu to leave her like that. "not your responsibility?" who's is she then? i hope your grandkids dont ever think that of you at that age. you say you cant do it ... how do you think she feels having her grandchild clean her???? have some compassion. you should have helped her.

but you need to have a meeting as this cant go on.

I am disguisted that you could leave your gran sitting in hwe own mess for 4o mintues. You should feel like shit.

you have all your facilities this woman has reared your mother and her family and in her timeof need you scrunch your nose up at her? you change yourown child's shitty nappies and vomit etc you say you love this woman surely you could have discreetly cleaned her making her feel better. how demoralising for her!

Yanbu they need to arrange care - probably a care home?

I used to be a care worker and clean up other people all the time.

I didnt enjoy doing it I mean who does in the end I had to leave as its a depressing Job and made me think I never ever want to end up like that my mom is a carer to and feels the same as me.

Your poor gran though I bet she feels very embarrassed about what happened in your shoes I would of done it but I DO understand not everyone can cope with things like that and you shouldn't be judged for it at all so don't worry.

You have five children so no way should you have to take on this as a constant thing its too much for you so I think the family need to sit down and sort out a proper care package or the actual children move closer to mum and help look after her.

to clarify i dont think the OP should be left to be carer its too much and she already has a large family to rear. yanbu on that front.

but feel on this ONE incident you were being very unreasonable to leave your gran in that state.

my mum had a bad stroke at 57 so i know what its like but i also see the sheer embarrassment and frustration of a woman who had great pride in her appearance now having her daughter wash her and clean up after her.

The thing is that the grandmother didnt call the OP. The grandmother called one of her own daughters. They then offloaded this onto the OP.

IME it is very easy to be generous with other people's time, money, sensibilities etc. Those posters who are very generously offering up the OP to clean up her GM when it was the aunt/mother who were called, have you actually done this yourselves?

If you havent then shame on you. You dont know what you are demanding.

yes i have gnome.

and i realise the GM did ring the OP but she was the nearest and obviously GM would have been sitting in mess for 40mins which i believe happened in the end anyway.

YANBU. I couldn't do it either and my own parents have already said that they'd rather have a gun put to their head than have any of us care for them and i would be the same. It's one thing cleaning up your own babies, it's another wiping the backside of a close adult family member who is probably mortified themselves at the indignity of it. I have even told my husband never to care for me in that way if I become unwell - i would rather go in a home and have trained, paid professionals doing it and let the people who love me have happy memories of me after I've gone rather than flashbacks of cleaning my bottom. I admire all those people who do care for others, I really do. But, we are all different. The OP states in her title that she feels like crap about it so it's not as if she doesn't give a shit.

again I dont think she is bu its not a long term solution that suits everyone and it should be discussed in length with all the family what to do. OP cant go on like this.

but (again, sigh) this ONE incident she could have done it and sucked it up.

Ease off the op

I cant believe the flaming you have got OP.

I have done this as a job and for a family member and doing it for a stranger is very different to doing it for a family member who you have looked up to all your life and seen as a strong figure in your family.

I completely understand your feelings OP and I dont think you should be criticised for them.

With 5 children the OP has got a lot on her plate anyway.

Your Gran called your mum for help and I think its really unfair for your mum to offload this onto you, your mum and her siblings need to get a care schedule drawn up between them.

Had anyone been in to her or due to go into her today? if not why not?

If you do step in ss will see her as less of a priority. Does she have a care manager allocated to her yet?