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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder how my DH is well respected at work, when he's such a dimwit at home?

136 replies

MsVestibule · 20/04/2012 21:53

DH has a reasonably good job in IT, and I think he's well thought of at work. Well, he's worked there for a long time and keeps getting promoted even though he's a right 9-5er so I assume he's doing OK.

So why does he have absolutely zero common sense sometimes? Latest example: I put a load of washing in the machine while getting the DCs ready for school. He was having a day off work, to recover from his long and arduous golfing weekend, and had a lie-in. I was taking the DCs to school, then on somewhere else and knew I wouldn't be home until 11.45, so left a note saying "Please can you take the washing out of the machine. xx" and left in on the bench.

I returned home at 11.45, to find that yes, he had taken the clothes out of the machine machine. But instead of putting them on the clothes horse, he'd just left them in a big heap in the washing basket. I was and boy, did he know about it. His response was "well, you didn't ask me to put it on the clothes horse." Should I really have had to do that? We haven't had a tumble drier for 2 years, so ALWAYS dry clothes by putting them on the clothes horse. It wasn't that he thought "that's her job, so I'm not doing it" - it genuinely didn't cross his mind to do it.

I do accept I went a bit OTT (there was quite a lot of FFSing from both of us, bit of a surprise, as we rarely argue), but really - am I the only one who needs to spell out every detail of a domestic chore to their OH?! This is not the first time, but I don't normally rant and rave like a lunatic about it.

OP posts:

ThereGoesTheYear · 20/04/2012 21:55

He's not daft. He just didn't want to do it.

GretaGip · 20/04/2012 21:56

I think it's prtety common actually that some people are quite literal to get them out of doing a proper job.

(But I wish you hadn't used the word dimwit.)

mrspnut · 20/04/2012 21:57

You aren't the only one. Mine is also in IT and well respected there but is an absolute liability at home.
His friends often express surprise that he has managed to stay alive so long. He's one of those that manages to bumble through life with no regard to anything.

timetosmile · 20/04/2012 21:57

Whether you should HAVE to spell out every detail of a chore to DH, it sounds as if more detailed instructions would mean the job gets done properly and less FFSing?!
You say 'it genuinely didn't cross his mind' rather than it was laziness or malice, so maybe more instructions would help.

mynewpassion · 20/04/2012 21:58

Yep, spell it out. I learned that from early on. I have family members in IT and you have to be really literal with them.

QOD · 20/04/2012 21:58

My dh would have put them on the dryer

in one layer, piled on top of each other

Debeez · 20/04/2012 21:58

Sounds like he's not stupid, he's just lazy. Sorry.

You rarely fight, fair enough. Do you rarely feel like this? Or just never let it out?

makinglemonade · 20/04/2012 21:59

Oh I've had this with DH. We call it 'the monkey see, monkey do'. He's much better now that I've trained him :)

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/04/2012 21:59

I know exactly what you mean!

I share a hobby with my dh and he is much more qualified in it than I am, but it still surprises me when people ask his advice about stuff. I'm there thinking 'Ye what? You want this man who still hasn't worked out not to open the dishwasher when the little red light is on to show you how to put together that piece of life saving equipment? Really?'

MiseryPlop · 20/04/2012 22:00

The only reason it didn't cross his mind is that he knew/assumed someone else (i.e. you) would do the rest. If he lived alone he wouldn't just leave it in the basket, would he?

tedmundo · 20/04/2012 22:01

When I saw the thread title, I thought I had been sleep typing!

Original poster

MsVestibule · 20/04/2012 22:10

You rarely fight, fair enough. Do you rarely feel like this? Or just never let it out? I normally just put up with his faults (numerous) and he puts up with mine (very few, naturally). We bicker quite a bit, but probably only argue a couple of times a year.

If he lived alone he wouldn't just leave it in the basket, would he? Too bloody right, Misery! Why didn't I think of that when I was having my rant? TBF, when he lived by himself, he was pretty shit at housework then. But then I came along and rescued him. Some fecking feminist I am .

OP posts:

Original poster

MsVestibule · 20/04/2012 22:12

GretaGip - sorry, is dimwit offensive? If so, apologies, not intentional .

OP posts:

madmouse · 20/04/2012 22:14

My dh is now a vicar but used to work in IT and in addition to that is a dr. in particle physics.

He spilled laser toner on the carpet

He texted to say 'guess that's a write off'

I told him to get the hoover out while I had a think.

he said 'hoover, that would have been brilliant, too late'

The idiot. Toner powder. The last thing you do. Is get the water and cloth out.

Oh well there's not a lot of damage...

SCOTCHandWRY · 20/04/2012 22:15

Okaaaaay - your DH is excellent with computers, keeps getting promoted at work but has absolutely no common sense as he does exactly what you ask (ie concrete thinking), for example by taking the washing out (as you asked) but not hanging it to dry (which you didn't ask him to do).

Have you ever considered he may have Aspergers? HFA?

I have family members with Aspergers and this sounds very like them!

margoandjerry · 20/04/2012 22:17

I think I could expect my 5 year old to at least consider the follow-on actions.

I can't believe it really didn't cross his mind - what did he do for dry clothes before he met you?

And is dimwit really unacceptable? Doesn't it just mean the opposite of bright - dim?

playftseforme · 20/04/2012 22:19

Dh baffles me at home - he project manages for a living (massive projects - civil engineering stuff), but can't manage himself out of a paper bag at home. I've finally worked out that we need to run our home life as a project........
so we have - project meetings, actions, monitoring against actions...
This now seems to work and I am less disappointed less often

BarryBumlove · 20/04/2012 22:22

It's fewer words to write 'please hang washing out' which would leave less room for confusion.

coulditmaybe · 20/04/2012 22:24

. marking place, also didnt realise dimwit was offensive

IsLovingAndGiving · 20/04/2012 22:25

My Dh is also a numpty. He does well in his well paid job, always being head hunted and promoted, yet he has no common sense whatsoever!

He would do exactly the same as your Dh (partly as he's lazy, but also because he needs everthing spelt out). Dmil says you're either clever or have common sense... Unfortunately he's the former it would seem.

Chilenachica · 20/04/2012 22:25

Does he leave his brain at the office? I know lot's of people seem to. My OH used to but he's getting better because when we had a full time maid I didn't need to know where things were, or what time dinner would be ready. Now that I have reclaimed my home I am a housewife with attitude and he's had to adapt

MadameChinLegs · 20/04/2012 22:25

I would see this as carte blanche for next time I want DH to do a job, leave explicitly detailed instructions, do a diagram, assign times and put little ticky boxes down the side for him to cross of as he goes.

If he complains, point out that fact that as his common sense has clearly taken leave of him, you thought this would help

timetosmile · 20/04/2012 22:26

I am wondering what happens when you send them out to the supermarket to get a few things.....?
do they come back with vast amounts of Doritos, a new DVD and no bread?

Original poster

MsVestibule · 20/04/2012 22:26

SCOTCHandWRY - well, that's one explanation!!! And now you mention it...

I'm pleased I'm not the only one with an OH like this. TBH, although I'm a SAHM and therefore the vast majority of the housework is now my responsibility, he does pull his weight with the house/childcare. It's just his blind spots (like this one) that make me see red!

OP posts:

Nyac · 20/04/2012 22:28

They act stupid so women do the work. Sorry.

Tell him you can see through his act and he can cut it out from now on.

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