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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder how my DH is well respected at work, when he's such a dimwit at home?

136 replies

MsVestibule · 20/04/2012 21:53

DH has a reasonably good job in IT, and I think he's well thought of at work. Well, he's worked there for a long time and keeps getting promoted even though he's a right 9-5er so I assume he's doing OK.

So why does he have absolutely zero common sense sometimes? Latest example: I put a load of washing in the machine while getting the DCs ready for school. He was having a day off work, to recover from his long and arduous golfing weekend, and had a lie-in. I was taking the DCs to school, then on somewhere else and knew I wouldn't be home until 11.45, so left a note saying "Please can you take the washing out of the machine. xx" and left in on the bench.

I returned home at 11.45, to find that yes, he had taken the clothes out of the machine machine. But instead of putting them on the clothes horse, he'd just left them in a big heap in the washing basket. I was and boy, did he know about it. His response was "well, you didn't ask me to put it on the clothes horse." Should I really have had to do that? We haven't had a tumble drier for 2 years, so ALWAYS dry clothes by putting them on the clothes horse. It wasn't that he thought "that's her job, so I'm not doing it" - it genuinely didn't cross his mind to do it.

I do accept I went a bit OTT (there was quite a lot of FFSing from both of us, bit of a surprise, as we rarely argue), but really - am I the only one who needs to spell out every detail of a domestic chore to their OH?! This is not the first time, but I don't normally rant and rave like a lunatic about it.

OP posts:

Chilenachica · 20/04/2012 22:30

margo, in one Latin American country DIM is the Dept of Military Intelegnce, doesn't seem right tho, unless you think in Spanish.

MiseryPlop · 20/04/2012 22:30

If it's any consolation my DH can be similar; his dirty washing would often sit at the foot of the bed for DAYS because I refused to pick it up and stick it in the basket.

I also realised I'd slipped into the habit of getting him to do chores/household jobs as if he was doing me a favour. I now say things like "the hoovering needs doing" rather than "can you run the hoover round please" which caused snippy little arguments at first, but works a treat now.

He just assumed that I did most household stuff becasue I am the more organised, practical one. He is also absentminded (but strangely very organised when it comes to the gardening...)

Original poster

MsVestibule · 20/04/2012 22:31

MadameChinLegs - as always, you are spot on! Especially loving the tick box part of it.

OP posts:

MiseryPlop · 20/04/2012 22:32

timetosmile - when we were students, I once sent DH out to get a few days' worth of food while I was at work.

He returned home with £17 worth of raw muesli ingredients from Holland & Barrett

minouminou · 20/04/2012 22:34

DP works in IT. I sent him out for substantial breakfast material one morning.
He returned with a fucking Calippo.
I went ape.

GretaGip · 20/04/2012 22:34

Sorry, I am having a sensitive day. I think it's one of those words that are questionable really, but I'm not entirely sure that other people see it like that. Thank you for being so gracious.

HappyCamel · 20/04/2012 22:36

Sounds like someone on the ASD spectrum to me. DH is senior in IT, well meaning, generally lovely and extremely literal. He too does exactly what I ask him but can't imagine the next part of a process that is unfamiliar to him. Is he routinised? Does he eat his food in a methodical kind of way? Does he have lots of little rules he has to follow?

minouminou · 20/04/2012 22:37

When DP gets into his muddles, or loses things, I simply refuse to help if it's sheer laziness or dependency that's led to it.
People think I'm a dragon, but I know it's keeping me out of prison.

zookeeper · 20/04/2012 22:38

Sounds like a lazy sod to me

greyhairsahead · 20/04/2012 22:40

Yup my DH is in IT and he drives me crazy at times! We're both pretty rubbish with chores, tbf, but he can be so illogical at times. I know he's fab at his job, and he is very intelligent, but at times? Well, I do wonder!

smoggii · 20/04/2012 22:40

In fairness to men getting a bashing...

I have a very respectable job and quite a few of my colleagues speak positively about me and my reputation is quite good but i'm a right numpty in my private life and my friends often at the fact I do so well at work.

Maybe they have low standards!

minouminou · 20/04/2012 22:41

I wouldn't say my DP is ASD in any way.....he is, however, v dyslexic and I think mummy did a lot for him.
Like the OP's partner, mine is v well respected in his field and has been headhunted before now.
This, as I tell him, means cock all to me and the DC, as we don't bloody WORK with him.

minouminou · 20/04/2012 22:44

Yes....illogical. Suddenly getting into a behavioural tic like putting the essential kitchen scissors in the cupboard under the stairs and carrying on with this despite my explaining that we need them in the kitchen.
Repeatedly putting wet washing onto the sofa and leaving it there.....

Original poster

MsVestibule · 20/04/2012 22:45

Oh dear. Now I'm turning into one of those really tiresome AIBUers who, after whinging about their DHs, rush to his defence. No, he's not a lazy sod. Well, no lazier than me, which perhaps isn't saying much.

And honestly, I really don't think he's on the ASD spectrum. No little rules he has to follow at all - he has fewer quirks than me! E.g. I can only walk on the left of people, which is quite bizarre to most people.

OP posts:

picnicbasketcase · 20/04/2012 22:52

Sorry, but at the breakfast Calippo.

DP is better at hanging washing than me, he has a 'system' involving grouping sizes of clothes which does seem to work but takes twice as long as when I do it. The thing that drives me mad is when he graciously clears away all the dishes after a meal but then leaves them next to the dishwasher instead of actually inside it.

minouminou · 20/04/2012 22:58

Yes.....it's been 12 years and I still fail to find it amusing. He also brought two cans of coke with the Calippos.....
I have unstable blood sugar and rely a lot on protein, especially for breakfast.
This pitiful and ill-advised hunter-gatherer attempt is known as the "Diabetes in a Bag" incident.

aquashiv · 20/04/2012 23:04

You have to be careful though...himself is now so well atuned to the SHARED domestic chores only the other day I heard him shouting am I the only one who cares about the sink?

As I say we are in this together buster..

aquashiv · 20/04/2012 23:05

the sink was dirty and blocked BTW but I couldnt give two shiney shits myself.....

samsaysohboy · 20/04/2012 23:06

It's obvious he thinks it's your responsibility, therefore he performs the task with no brain involvement. I do the same whenever I'm in some situation where someone else is in charge/makes decisions/take the blame when it goes tits up. never in my own home though..

blackeyedsusan · 20/04/2012 23:24

I had an h who works in IT... fits the stereotype. very literal. If I said pick up the crrayon off the floor, he would look at the floor and ignore the pencil crayon, because it was a pencil, even if there were no other objects for drawing on the floor.

one job at a time. no common sense, agreed that he would take responsibility for something... if I told him when it needed doing... can't plan his way out of a paper bag, yet holds down a job.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 20/04/2012 23:29

Also DH in IT.

I went away for 6 days at half term in Feb. I phoned DH to say we'd arrived safely, and in the conversation could he hang up the washing I'd done that morning.

A week later it was still in the washing machine . Grrr.

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2012 23:40

I've worked with 'well respected' people who were still lazy fuckwits

They were great at their jobs...but thought making a cup of tea was beneath them.

In the same way a celebrity chef will knock together a gorgeous meal...but he won't chop, wash ingredients, peel veg or do any preparation or washing up.

I don't respect people like that no matter how well they do their jobs

I have more respect for people who are will to roll their sleeves up and pitch in.

Bluebell99 · 20/04/2012 23:41

I think my example is worse. When my ds was a baby in a first stage baby seat , I asked my husband to put baby and seat in the car. When I arrived at my destination and went to get the car seat and baby out, I found he had neglected to strap the car seat in! Just reminded him, and he said I must have been distracted. What sort of numpty would place a baby and car seat in the car and not strap it in!

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2012 23:42

*willing

TheBurderer · 21/04/2012 01:49

I know someone with a husband who does this but to a ridiculous degree. For example if they don't have the right cutlery in front of them for a dish or dessert they will literally sit there bewildered until someone (her) gets it for them. It's pathetic.

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