to wonder how my DH is well respected at work, when he's such a dimwit at home?

[MsVestibule]

DH has a reasonably good job in IT, and I think he's well thought of at work. Well, he's worked there for a long time and keeps getting promoted even though he's a right 9-5er so I assume he's doing OK.

So why does he have absolutely zero common sense sometimes? Latest example: I put a load of washing in the machine while getting the DCs ready for school. He was having a day off work, to recover from his long and arduous golfing weekend, and had a lie-in. I was taking the DCs to school, then on somewhere else and knew I wouldn't be home until 11.45, so left a note saying "Please can you take the washing out of the machine. xx" and left in on the bench.

I returned home at 11.45, to find that yes, he had taken the clothes out of the machine machine. But instead of putting them on the clothes horse, he'd just left them in a big heap in the washing basket. I was and boy, did he know about it. His response was "well, you didn't ask me to put it on the clothes horse." Should I really have had to do that? We haven't had a tumble drier for 2 years, so ALWAYS dry clothes by putting them on the clothes horse. It wasn't that he thought "that's her job, so I'm not doing it" - it genuinely didn't cross his mind to do it.

I do accept I went a bit OTT (there was quite a lot of FFSing from both of us, bit of a surprise, as we rarely argue), but really - am I the only one who needs to spell out every detail of a domestic chore to their OH?! This is not the first time, but I don't normally rant and rave like a lunatic about it.

So what you do is hire him to produce a report on running a hhouse, complete with detailed process flow charts for every action required. Then you merely email him with projects need to be completed

God this thread could have been written by me. I've been wondering exactly the same thing. DH has a relatively senior position at work and likes to come home and tell me all about the important decisions he's had to make, and people he's had to bollock for being useless. But then he'll say things like 'DS has had a poo. Shall I change him?' or 'There's no petrol in the car. Shall I put some in while I'm out?', or 'I don't have any ironed shirts. Shall I iron one?' It drives me NUTS! I've said to him that it comes accross like he wants me to do all these things for him - but he just looks genuinely baffled and hurt and says that's not what he means at all. Then why does he need to be micro-managed constantly at home????? Grr, drives me nuts. YADNBU.

I have a very good job in marketing, I make lots of big decisions and hire and fire people etc but at home I am useless

It's not because I'm lazy but I just don't see things and find home life a much more harder place, at work I know what I am doing and have to be doing so it's a breeze, even with the DC I find it really tough and am not so great at decision making when it comes to home and the DC.

Our DS is HFA and my DH is convinced I am too.

I proberbly drive DH bonkers but he knows I don't mean to be as useless as I am and luckily he is very switched on at home.

I'm sorry I really don't think it is just laziness, I think there is a dash on dim-wittedness there.

I know because I have one. Extremely responsible job, lots of employees, awards in his field.

Just doesn't think at home.

Dinner party last week. 6 people. I sent him to Waitrose to buy fresh tagiatelle. I told him to remember there would be 6 people and not just to get one bag (his usual M.O). He returned with 6 bags. Enough for 24 people.

Asked him to buy diet coke. Two of the guests would not be drinking. I forgot to say don't just buy two cans. He returned with two cans.

I get sick of being the brains at home. I have a resposponsible full-time job too

My DH tried on this bullshit when we first started living together, particularly when it came to laundry. So now he does his own laundry.

I don't think it's necessarily laziness, it's that they don't tune into what they're doing and actually think about it. They just think "Oh wifey said I'm to empty the washing machine," and that's it. As long as it's mainly your job to do a certain thing then it's going to keep happening. You will be the one to do all the thinking, he'll just be the dogsbody. Because DH has to sort out his own laundry he knows that if he doesn't take it out, hang it up or put it in the drier then no one else is going to do it. Strangely enough that cured his stupidity pretty fast.

The Aspergers link is interesting. DH's brother has Aspergers and at 32 is a Professor with very good job, allegedly also useless at home. DH has two nephews and a neice with autism.
Perhaps there is something there.
I am VERY good at reading people and I know that often it isn't malicious - he is genuinely perplexed at things at home.

I am clearly a Professor of typos

Very similar, but mine would have read the note and thought 'Ah, she hasn't actually put that I need to hang them up, therefore I do not need to. I know I should but as it doesn't say it I have a legitimate excuse.'
I asked him to put dd's coat on as we were going out and it was freezing.He put her arms in the sleeves and said 'There we go' She wriggled out of it. 'Did you not do the zip up?' I says. ' Well you never SAID do the zip up!' ......

My son is in IT.And likes research.He was a tricky child to bring up. We had numerous conversations about what he done and not done. He told us at one point, aged about 12 that he didnt think at all.At first I thought how lovely for him, then I realised how awful for him. I had to train him to think, and think through things all the way to the end. At the beginning,if he had eg upset his siblings big time, I would tell him to think about the consequences of what he had done, meaning for a few hours.When I questioned him on it, he said he had thought. Turned out he had literally thought for the time it had taken him to go from one end of the hall to the other.

my dh has an inability to take things out of the washing machine and hand them up. I think some people have things they just cant figure out. He can walk past it over and over and it can stay sat there for days if I dont do it. 'i didn't think about it really' is his general response.

'dimwit' is not nice though. Hope you didn't say that to his face.

They do it on purpose so you do the wife work for them.

Why do women so rarely suffer from the inability to undertake basic household tasks?

MissB - because women are brought up with the constant subtle message that domestic tasks are their domain and that if they live in a messy dirty house they should be ashamed. When they move in with someone the "good wife" mentality kicks in, they start doing the jobs and then the man knows he's on to a good thing. Or if they don't do it at the beginning then when a child comes along they go on ML and start doing it then. Their self worth is tied to "being a good mother" - ie having a clean, tidy house, and so they're invested in it in a way that men aren't.

On the whole women think a whole lot more than men.Hence why there are so many women who worry a lot, but a lot fewer men. Men on the whole, even if they do think, do not think right through to the end.

Oh God, we have some massive arguments over the following of "flowcharts"
Full of:

< If a /= type1 then goto shop and bloody buy one>
I have to do all the DIY round the house because OH just can't follow simple suggestions. It has to be a literal, exact description or it ends in an argument.

If I don't specify exactly which thing needs passing or holding, when anyone else would work it out for hemselves with the instructions given, it all goes horribly wrong. It has to be done exactly as if I were programming a computer.

I know it's not me, because I do car mechanics and DIY with my BigSon and my ex and it all works out perfectly. Ending in tea and jammy dodgers rather than divorce.

I think it's an IT brain thing, I know it's not malicious, (and BigSon does have Aspergers so I'm used to the symptoms).

Thanks Cailin

So men not being able to do these things is much more likely to be twattishness a lack of willingness to do these things rather than attributable to a SN such as Aspergers, as was mentioned further up the thread.

IT brain? Nonsense.

Arrogance, assumption and laziness. And the knowledge that the buck doesn't stop with them. Sharing tasks only works to the extent that the more unwilling partner wishes it to work.

AyeRobot.It looks like IT brain in this case. Does not mean it is that in the majority of cases where the husband doesnt do stuff.IT brain may only account for 1%.

I think it's a bit harsh to say he's arrogant and lazy.

I must be honest when I'm really busy at work, I get into a work zone and don't really concentrate on household tasks. I have food processed my fingers twice .

The way to do it is allocate tasks that are completely one person's responsibility. That way there's no treading on each others toes and if that task slips, you're affecting everyone including yourself.

Also doesnt mean that all IT workers are a problem around the house either.
MsVestibule, this may descend into a feminist thread.I hope there have been enough people who have responded with relations in IT to help explain further what may be going on.Good luck.

If a man can hold down a responsible job then he can do domestic tasks. They're not difficult, they're just boring and repetitive.

This made me LOL as it's EXACTLY what my (very bright, but totally lacking in common sense), DH would have done too. I once asked him to put the kettle on - so he literally switched it on without bothering to fill it with water! When I expressed my amazement at his utter stupidity he replied 'But you didn't ask me to fill it with water and switch it on, you just said to switch it on'. My stepdad (also very academically bright and a doctor before he retired), is just the same.

But IT is process-driven, isn't it? How much more process-y can a task be than turning dirty washing into clean and ready to wear clothing? Unless a person does part of the process without a thought, because they know that someone else is doing the thinking and has ownership of the whole task, of course.

Pavlov - in our house, dimwit is a term of endearment! Is that really bad ? What do other people call their OH when they've done something silly and you gently rib them for it?

Giant - in our situation, I suppose it is wife work, as I'm a SAHM. However, my DH fortunately isn't one of those who thinks this means he has to do absolutely nothing. He just doesn't think about some things. He's OK with the cleaning and tidying, but looking back, before we even moved in together, he had a blind spot when it came to washing. He could literally have 6 loads of washing to do, but would only do it when he'd actually run out of clothes.

CailinDana, my son either lives alone or flat shares.He does all his domestic chores, and is happy to do them. He does not bring his washing home to me for example.But he does not always do them well, and regularly rings me up for instructions about this and other matters of his life. I am happy to help him. He earns a very good wage, but does need help in certain stupid and boring areas of his life.