Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder how my DH is well respected at work, when he's such a dimwit at home?

136 replies

MsVestibule · 20/04/2012 21:53

DH has a reasonably good job in IT, and I think he's well thought of at work. Well, he's worked there for a long time and keeps getting promoted even though he's a right 9-5er so I assume he's doing OK.

So why does he have absolutely zero common sense sometimes? Latest example: I put a load of washing in the machine while getting the DCs ready for school. He was having a day off work, to recover from his long and arduous golfing weekend, and had a lie-in. I was taking the DCs to school, then on somewhere else and knew I wouldn't be home until 11.45, so left a note saying "Please can you take the washing out of the machine. xx" and left in on the bench.

I returned home at 11.45, to find that yes, he had taken the clothes out of the machine machine. But instead of putting them on the clothes horse, he'd just left them in a big heap in the washing basket. I was Angry and boy, did he know about it. His response was "well, you didn't ask me to put it on the clothes horse." Should I really have had to do that? We haven't had a tumble drier for 2 years, so ALWAYS dry clothes by putting them on the clothes horse. It wasn't that he thought "that's her job, so I'm not doing it" - it genuinely didn't cross his mind to do it.

I do accept I went a bit OTT (there was quite a lot of FFSing from both of us, bit of a surprise, as we rarely argue), but really - am I the only one who needs to spell out every detail of a domestic chore to their OH?! This is not the first time, but I don't normally rant and rave like a lunatic about it.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 21/04/2012 10:03

You know what I read it in a light hearted meaning way Grin but you know maybe I've been interacting in real life too much!

diddl · 21/04/2012 10:06

"He hasn't regressed, or decided it's my job, it's just the way he's always been."

So he always just used to leave clothes in the basket to dry?ConfusedGrin

Auntiestablishment · 21/04/2012 10:10

At work he plays by his rules and does well. At home he's expected to play by yours, so your judging him by that.

I just don't get all these wives who demand their husbands take responsibility for stuff then moan when they do it according to their (husband's) rules rather than the wife's. If you're that bothered, do it yourself.

diddl · 21/04/2012 10:20

How is it "playing by your rules" to think that a grown man would have the sense to hang wet washing up not just leave it in a heap in a basket?

"If you're that bothered, do it yourself."-surely the mantra of lazy men worldwide?

Tw1gl3t · 21/04/2012 10:21

IT brain is a problem. Just because you don't have it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I have had two seperate jobs made just for me so I could "translate/arbitrate" between the IT department and the rest of the company. They generally do just think differently and often get quite upset when other non-IT types just don't get their POV . It's great when you are doing technical problem solving but not so good when trying not to irritate the rest of the company.

Of course certain types of thinker are drawn towards certain types of employment it's stupid to think otherwise. And in general IT/programmers/Software architects/engineers are so focussed on the flow of the minutiae that they just can't see the bigger picture. I'm not sure why you should get your knickers in a twist about this.

Tw1gl3t · 21/04/2012 10:24

separate even

Ephiny · 21/04/2012 10:29

The whole point of software architects is to see the 'bigger picture' in developing large and complex systems. Same for project managers and business analysts (both IT roles), and anyone in a management position. Yes probably there are certain personality types more likely to be found in certain roles, but it's still pretty offensive to use a term like 'IT brain' to describe lazy men who treat their wives as domestic servants.

I tend to think that regardless of the 'type of thinker' you happen to be, you can understand that wet laundry needs to be hung up to dry! It's about whether or not you think it's your responsibility to make sure the family has clean dry clothes to wear.

Original poster
MsVestibule · 21/04/2012 11:00

Fox, yes this thread was meant to be a light hearted one - it's just the way I would have a jokey moan to my friends! I happened to mention in my OP that he works in IT but didn't think it particularly relevant until I read these responses. I think he'd be the same whatever profession he'd chosen.

Ephiny, I hope your lazy men/domestic servants wasn't directed at me Confused.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/04/2012 11:04

Well back to the OP-of course you shouldn´t have to tell a grown man to take washing out of the machine and hang it up-it should be a given!

Tw1gl3t · 21/04/2012 11:15

Alas, they often work on a part of the whole. They can only see the bit they're working on. Often they can only see the function or passthrough they're working on. (OH spends days wittering on about a tiny tiny thing/part/function, and is unable to think about anything else until that probelm has been solved) It makes sense that if they think in terms discreet functions that are assembled to make a whole; that on being told to empty the washing machine they would, in fact, do that literal thing. That's how that type of brain works.

Useless though it might be in the real world.

MsWeatherwax · 21/04/2012 11:19

DH works in IT. He occasionally has common-sense failure moments, but he is proactive with housework - probably because he's lived on his own and knows how and believes very strongly that it's not my job just because I'm a woman. He tells me frequently to never think that, and to tell him if he starts failing to do his share. I will admit I do personally think I am more efficient when I do housework (common-sense things like never leaving room without taking something with you) but he's more motivated to do it and does a more thorough job.

diddl · 21/04/2012 12:03

Tbh I´m not all that sure that what they do at work has anything to do with anything.

So because they "don´t look at the whole" at work, they can only do one part of a household task??

Does that apply to women in IT also??!!

SpottedGurnard · 21/04/2012 13:12

DP had this idea when we first moved in together that he no longer had to lift a finger around the house.

I soon knocked that on the head by lowering my standards so I wasn't always rushing to e.g. wash up the dishes and by stopping washing his clothes.

I'm sorry but being intelligent doesn't mean anything. These men are just aware that if they dont do it then the wifey will. I have a first class degree too. I manage to both wash and dry my clothes perfectly well.

amillionyears · 21/04/2012 15:19

Tw1gl3t! So many thanks for your post. That is one of the most interesting post I have read on mumsnet. I had no idea such a job existed. My DS is definitely the, I call it "rabbit-hole" sort. He digs at something and keeps on digging, if you see what I mean. I actually tell him to be aware of it,beacuse he and I know that if the building started to fall down around his ears, or shake etc, he would be the last to notice.And he has been told that he does not always see the bigger picture.
Do you have any more useful bits of information to help the op and me.Thanks

GiantPuffball · 21/04/2012 15:59

Tw1gl3t, you've been conned. He just wants you to wife work

Tw1gl3t · 21/04/2012 16:46

She might, but it won't work. Smile

nickelhasababy · 21/04/2012 16:59

i think you should end every statement, request and note with "etc"

if he ever comes back to you and says "you never said that!" you can say "what the fuck do you think etc means you fucking numbskull? I am not your project manager and you have a brain".

Original poster
MsVestibule · 21/04/2012 19:08

Nickel, the "etc" suggestion is probably the best practical advice I've received!!! It will make him think about what the etc means and actually give some consideration to the next steps, without me spelling it out for him.

I might leave out the numbskull bit, though. I've already been given a bit of grief about calling him a dimwit Wink.

OP posts:
Xenia · 22/04/2012 15:05

My children's father was better than I was at washing. It's not just a gender thing. He'd had his own house and washing systems before we met. He also took 100% charge of washing when the oldest children were young so I suppose I wouldn't have touched a washer for 4 or 5 years which iwas fine. Generally you get used to those tax which you do. I don't think it's to do with IT brain or being male. Why not just swap tasks and say from now on I won't be doing any washing and you are 100% in charge of it and I will take over XYZ? Then he would learn the skills relating to washing.

amillionyears · 22/04/2012 16:29

She would have to teach him the skills relating to washing. And ironing, if he messes that up, and and and and and and.That is the problem with IT brain.It gets wearing for the teacher."Generally you get used to those things which you do", is very time consuming and wearing for the person doing the teaching if an IT brain. See all previous posts.
Do you have any ideas how common sense can be taught?
How are you Xenia?Are you writing any more books?I am writing one. It is slow going.

nickelhasababy · 23/04/2012 15:18

sorry for the outburst Blush

Mother2many · 23/04/2012 15:36

Grin SOO, glad someone else goes through this! I often wonder how my DP manages at work too...

If I make a grocery list, he will get exactly what's on there... so if I put mushroom soup... He will grab only one. So, I've learned to actually put the amount beside it... 6x mushroom soup... etc.

I HATE watching movies with him, as he just doesn't get it! My family calls him "special"... Blush as if we watch a movie, we almost have to explain everything to him, as he just doesn't get it!!! SIGH....

He will hook something up and I will tell him he did it wrong...and I actually have to show him...what he did wrong. (otherwise he will deny it was his fault)

I HATE, HATE driving with him, as for the past 5 yrs I have told him how it bothers me when he drives soo close to the middle line... I said, I'd rather go in the ditch than hit the on coming vehicle... So, often I close my eyes, turn my head... Started calling him Pac Man. He's a truck driver, and I said, your not in a SEMI!

dimwit... love it... Grin

Lately though, if there is a sale on something, I'll text him to pick some "soup" up, he'll never, mix and match anything, so the kids and I end up eating 4 boxes of cornflakes... LOL... I said when it says, "buy one get one free" it doesn't mean the exact flavor! His thing to respond is, "they had nothing else left"... (yet, I was just in there and saw lots in there)

SERIOUSLY DP???? is a normal thought in my brain...

nickelhasababy · 23/04/2012 15:39

DH is normally very good at shopping.
i made the mistake of giving him a list last week.
i didn't put essentials on it.
so i had no
crisps
chocolate
beer
wine
for the weekend :(

Original poster
MsVestibule · 23/04/2012 17:03

Oh Nickel, that is seriously bad behaviour from your OH. Puts my washing problems into perspective Shock.

Xenia, as I'm one of those boring, stupid SAHMs you think so little of, washing is one of my jobs, so can't really delegate it to him. And he does actually know how to do it - if I'd asked him to write down every step involved in the process, he would be able to. But ask him to put it into practice without chivvying him along, no chance .

But as I said earlier, he puts up with my faults (and probably doesn't whinge about me on an Internet forum!) and I put up with his, cos he's generally a great dad and husband, and I love him Blush.

OP posts:
nickelhasababy · 23/04/2012 17:04

it's okay, the thing was, he suffered too which made up for it Wink

Swipe left for the next trending thread