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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this way of behaving in a conversation is actually really rather bloody rude?

116 replies

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/04/2012 15:43

I keep getting a woman coming up to talk to me at the school gates. Her DD is in the same year as my DD. She seems harmless enough but talks about herself all the time. Me me me me me. On the rare occasion that I manage to get a word in edgeways she doesn't even acknowledge that I've spoken.

Today she came over to me to chat again, and was talking about herself, and her upcoming house move, and her daughter's dancing lessons and various other things. I tried to make comments and basically have a 2 way conversation but she wasn't interested. In the end I cut her off mid-sentence and said 'Oh well I hope you have a wonderful weeekend, I'm in a bit of a hurry so need to go now' and off I went.

Is it me or are people like that actually very rude? I have in the past been collared at the school by another mum who behaves in a similar way and actually now I do go out of my way to avoid her. I'm of the 'grab your child and get home ASAP' school of thought when it comes to school runs, maybe occasionally I'll have a chat with one or two of the mums that I'm close to, but i really resent having my 10 minutes of peace and quiet waiting outside the school being talked 'at'.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2012 15:45

YANBU

My DS2's friend's Mum is just like that

She's a nice woman but talks only about herself and her kids and if you even manage to get a word in she just says "Yeah" as she draws another breath to continue talking.

I've found myself inventing reasons to get away plenty of times.

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/04/2012 15:47

it's frustrating isn't it? I really think that some people just don't have any social skills. If I say anything at all this woman just pulls a really blank face and doesn't even say a word, just carries on talking about herself. I have started to look slightly above her head when she talks now and done other things to try and give her non verbal cues that I find her boring but she takes no notice. I think I might just start looking at her blankly when she talks and see if she gets the hint then

OP posts:

FuckedOfftotheFarSideofFuck · 20/04/2012 15:49

YANBU it's very annoying.

My DH has a friend like that - she only wants to talk about herself and will ask you questions ONLY so you will ask them back to her, she doesn't even remember what you've told her.
She also likes to talk about how great and pretty she is a lot. And her childhood. And basically anything to do with herself.
DH doesn't see it and totally feeds into it!

(disclaimer - she is NOT Samantha Brick)

Schlumberger · 20/04/2012 15:50

But there are SO many women exactly like this. Do they have no idea that they do it? Is it nerves? Complete lack of empathy? interest in others? I find these people intolerably boring - as my DSis once said, I don't have enough time in my life for the people I actually like, let alone ghastly women like this.

manicbmc · 20/04/2012 15:51

Aw I was just going to ask if she was that Brick woman

Why not try just commenting with odd, random words instead? Like oh really, fishfinger?

That way you can tell if she's listening and if she is she will think you have a screw loose and avoid you.

Kaloobear · 20/04/2012 15:52

I had a friend like that. I'd known her since we were teeny but when we were mid twenties and she was still going on and on and on about herself, to the extent where she wouldn't even say 'How are you?' when we met up, I decided I couldn't take it anymore and stopped calling her. Tellingly, I don't think she's noticed, and it's now been almost 5 years since we spoke! She hasn't made contact with me either so she can't care that much.

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/04/2012 15:53

I do think that often it is lack of intelligence and lack of self awareness that causes people to behave like that. I feel that I am pretty good at reading cues if someone is not interested in talking to me or if I'm talking too much and they start to lose interest and I get so frustrated when others cannot.

And yes, there seem to be so many of them don't there? I guess they get binned by so many friends that they try to latch on to everyone.

FuckedOff, your DH's friend sound intolerable, how annoying that your DH doesn't see her for what she is

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 20/04/2012 15:53

My dad does this

It's infuriating. YANBU.

'Why not try just commenting with odd, random words instead? Like oh really, fishfinger?'

I like this idea

pjmama · 20/04/2012 15:55

I think some people just feel the need to fill the silence! There are more than a few chatterboxes on DH's side of the family, our own DD included! Just talks, talks, talks and not much listening. We once conducted an experiment with MIL - picked her up from somewhere and drove her home and apart from saying hello, neither myself or DH spoke a word to her all the way home. She talked non-stop for half an hour! She saw the funny side and took it with good grace when we had to explain why we were giggling! I don't think most people mean to do it, or a really that self involved - sometimes it's just a bit of nerves and habit.

Kladdkaka · 20/04/2012 15:59

Sometimes it's autism.

Flimflammery · 20/04/2012 16:00

I suspect I might be guilty of being a bit like that, though I try not to be.

Another thought: maybe she is lonely, and with no-one to talk to all day, when she sees you it all comes splurging out?

manicbmc · 20/04/2012 16:03

Mainly though, it's not autism. It's a total lack of interest in anyone else and a need to talk about yourself.

PoorEv · 20/04/2012 16:03

I've got a friend like this too. I don't see her that often as we live in different towns now, so it's mainly email and phone with the odd visit. I must admit, I have to be in a chilled out mood when we meet otherwise she drives me mad.

Our phone conversations go like this...
My phone rings, I answer "hello, how are... (cut off by her already)
Friend "oh I'm so glad you've answered, I've got loads to tell you" and off she goes, without taking a breath. About 40 minutes later, just before she hangs up, she will ask me how I am!

MeKathryn · 20/04/2012 16:10

I do it a bit myself I think it's cos my hearing's not very good so I don't have to respond to things (I might mishear) so much.

GoEasyPudding · 20/04/2012 16:15

I had a depleting couple of hours on a playdate for my DS this very week with one of these folk. Its so tiring, so rude and you can't get that time back!

Sadly my MIL is like this. Its so dispiriting to spend any time with her as there is simply no give and take in the conversation and therefore no joy in it.

It makes you value your generous friends better doesn't it? The ones that ask after you and remember things you have said, the ones who actually care about you?

I have had brief friendly acquaintances and work acquaintances who have shown more interest in me than these two people!

WhitesandsofLuskentyre · 20/04/2012 16:15

Guilty . I'm seeing my GP though (I'm after a psych referral) as I realise it's a horrible thing to do to people, but sometimes it just happens, and then I walk away and think, about myself, 'You're so horrible, that poor woman was probably really interesting if you'd let her talk'. It takes a superhuman effort on my part to say nothing, and to listen, but then my mind wanders, and I have no idea how to stay on track with the conversation, because I don't know what's been said. So then that makes me seem rude. Or I'll be having a good day, and I'll listen and I'll hear something interesting that the other person has said, which I think I can join in with, but as soon as I open my mouth all my thoughts just come tumbling out like dominoes falling, in a kind of "and another thing, and another thing" way, because if I don't carry on talking I'll lose my train of thought mid-sentence.

I deliberately stay away from the phone, for just this reason, which means I've lost contact with loads of friends now I don't live near enough to pop in and see them. So they probably doubly think I'm a selfish cow, now :(

SardineQueen · 20/04/2012 16:18

I can be a bit like that. I try not to do it too much though.

People are different. That's all. You and she are not meant to be friends. There are other people who you both get on better with.

I doubt she is doing it deliberately and I doubt she's stupid but feel free to think that if you really want to! Self-absorbtion / having a lot going on in your head / not liking a silence / being someone who just talks incessently are more likely reasons.

WibblyBibble · 20/04/2012 16:27

I like people who are like this. It means I don't have to think of things to say, I can just nod or whatever. It's relaxing. I don't think they lack social skills any more than anyone else; most people will ask things about you but not pay any attention to the answers or just use whatever you say to 'judge' you and rule you out of their social group (I know ideally one would not think of other people as being like that but I'm afraid it's my experience of most people e.g. if they find out that you went to a particular university, or that you are a vegetarian [I'm not but was], or they find out you have kids with two different men, or that you are single, or that you're on benefits, or that you don't watch telly much, or that you're gay/a feminist, or anything really, they decide you are not 'one of them' and stop trying to be friendly with you or exclude you from social things). I'd rather not tell people about me when I know they are on average going to react negatively.

exexe · 20/04/2012 16:28

Those of you who know you're like that, why don't you ask people how they are/how their weekend was and listen?
Are you just not interested or are you trying to show how interesting your life is?
Genuine question as I know someone like this and I think she's just insecure..

SardineQueen · 20/04/2012 16:32

It's because my mind is a bit elsewhere. It takes a big conscious effort to ask people stuff. I am terrible at remembering names so that doesn't help. Wittering at people is kind of easy. People seem to like me though

SardineQueen · 20/04/2012 16:35

" I'd rather not tell people about me when I know they are on average going to react negatively."

Aw wibbly surely not! I think you sound lovely and am glad you find me relaxing

Incidentally I do make an effort to ask about stuff but it really doesn't come naturally. And if I'm totally honest I'm not really usually that interested!

In our family we all just talk at each other at the same time about whatever is on our minds and don't really listen that carefully to each other and interrupt a lot. But there is a lot of joking a laughter. It's just different sorts of people isn't it.

Kladdkaka · 20/04/2012 16:36

Interesting question exexe. For me it's almost like I'm an outsider watching myself talk. I can see what I'm doing wrong and I want to stop but I just can't make it happen. The harder I tried, the more anxious I get, the harder it becomes. I always walk away from these encounters playing it over and over in my head, beating myself up about what I should have done differently.

AberdeenAgnes · 20/04/2012 16:37

I think you are NBU at all.

However, I have seen people on here complain about people having conversations with them. How they hate it when people reply with things like "oh, I know what you mean, a similar thing happened to me, it's annoying isn't it?"

I've come to the conclusion that you have monologue people who think people should just reply with "hmm, yes, oh really?" and conversation people who think it takes two to make a conversation. As I am of the latter persuasion I tend to avoid monologue types.

SardineQueen · 20/04/2012 16:40

Kladdkaka you poor thing. That's a social anxiety thing isn't it?

Have you tried maybe practicing with people you are close to, just asking open questions, and then being quiet? Most people like to talk about themselves and if you give them the opportunity will natter away. I know it is really hard with these anxiety things though.

Also some people (like wibbly) do like people like this as they find them easy company. I don't mind people like this really. Some of them are boring (but so are some people who don't do this!) but I never think of it as rude, I just think they are talkative.

SardineQueen · 20/04/2012 16:40

"However, I have seen people on here complain about people having conversations with them. How they hate it when people reply with things like "oh, I know what you mean, a similar thing happened to me, it's annoying isn't it?"

Eh? I don't get what this means.

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