To think that this way of behaving in a conversation is actually really rather bloody rude?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

I keep getting a woman coming up to talk to me at the school gates. Her DD is in the same year as my DD. She seems harmless enough but talks about herself all the time. Me me me me me. On the rare occasion that I manage to get a word in edgeways she doesn't even acknowledge that I've spoken.

Today she came over to me to chat again, and was talking about herself, and her upcoming house move, and her daughter's dancing lessons and various other things. I tried to make comments and basically have a 2 way conversation but she wasn't interested. In the end I cut her off mid-sentence and said 'Oh well I hope you have a wonderful weeekend, I'm in a bit of a hurry so need to go now' and off I went.

Is it me or are people like that actually very rude? I have in the past been collared at the school by another mum who behaves in a similar way and actually now I do go out of my way to avoid her. I'm of the 'grab your child and get home ASAP' school of thought when it comes to school runs, maybe occasionally I'll have a chat with one or two of the mums that I'm close to, but i really resent having my 10 minutes of peace and quiet waiting outside the school being talked 'at'.

I agree with wibbly. I like people like this, and find it relaxing and interesting to listen to them. I much prefer them to the people who come out with a constant stream of questions, which I find aggressive and intrusive.

Sardinequeen, for example people starting threads saying "don't you hate it when you're talking to someone and they reply, 'oh yes, a similar thing happened to me, blah blah blah'"

that kind of things. If that makes sense?

So, for e.g. if someone said "I went to Cornwall for the weekend" and I replied "oh Cornwall, how lovely, we were there last summer, how did you find it?" That would be wrong. Because the conversation has stopped being solely about the first person.

I know exactly what you mean. There are two women at the school who do this - they sidle up to me and talk at me. I bet they don't even know my name.

Funnily enough, they both tend to blather on about their oldest children , neither of whom I know or even recognise. They just go on and on and on and...

Strangely, they never stand together. I would love to see them go head to head in a Playground Talk Off.

Thanks for the insight. Kladdkaka sorry that it causes you anxiety. It shouldn't be like that.
I have learnt to control myself as I've always 'known someone who's been in that same situation' or 'thats happened to me' and started going on about it.
I realised (thanks to my lovely sis) that people don't always want to know and just need to talk about themselves and I just need to use the appropriate phrases 'oh how worrying for you' or 'how exciting you must be pleased!' etc.
It took a while but I think I'm better at being a listener now.

My mother is like this.

I also had a friend like it, once as a teen when she phoned I actually timed how long I could go without saying any actual words (so just 'mmhmm' etc) - it was nearly an hour I think. I pointed it out. It was the beginning of the end - her loss.

dont you think it happens in some threads on here too?

people read the op and then post an answer without actually considering that there is an active conversation going on?

"I went to Cornwall for the weekend" and I replied "oh Cornwall, how lovely, we were there last summer, how did you find it?"
that is a conversation because you are joining in

"I went to Cornwall for the weekend" and I replied "oh Cornwall, how lovely, we were there last summer, we did this and that and the other" without letting the originator speak is wrong because thats not a conversation thats steering it your way and dominating the situation

Sardinequeen, for me it's down to autism. Current understanding is that everyone is on the spectrum somewhere, it just gets classed as a disorder when it passes a certain point. So it's makes sense that people not classed as ASD show varying degrees of ability with 2 way conversation. Pragmatics, I think it's called.

Agree with the pweson who mentioned autism, autism was very under-diagnosed in the past and some people have all the signs but have been missed. My son who has not been missed will engage you in conversation for hours but it would be one sided and he would show little interest in you.

Only now DS has been diagnosed do I realise how one sided I can be, I actually have to physically think about it when I have a conversation and remnd myself to ask "how are you" and to ask questions.

Of course shhe might just be a self centred wotsit

Oh yes I agree totally that that happens, but I put the people who do that 'we did this we did that' stuff in the monologue category too.

Kladdkaka I sympathise. I don't tend to talk and talk (I go bright red when people look at me) but I have real problems interrupting people during a group conversation. I am terrible at reading cues (which is why I stay quiet I suppose). I am awaiting assessment/dx of Aspergers.

I'd like to think people can tell the difference between somebody who is socially awkward, and somebody who is just plain selfish (like the friend I mentioned in my previous post - she was totally self involved in many ways) but I guess it isn't always possible. I worry terribly about what people think of me.

There is a thread here for adults on the spectrum if anyone's interested

Kladdaka you have that self awareness which is good but equally you are probably worrying too much. On this thread eg there are as many people who like chatterers as those who don't!. Would practicing with someone you are close to help? I don't know much about autism sorry.

The hardest part for me, I think, is disengaging. I know I need to shut up, but I can't bring it to a close, so I just keep going. Although nowadays I keep quiet and don't to speak to anyone to avoid the stress.
It's all my Nan's fault. I got it from her.
Remember the time before cable and DVDs when the big film was on after dinner at Christmas. She jabbered and jabbered, nobody was listening, we were all glued to ET or something. In the end my uncle snapped and shout 'WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!'. Total silence for 1 minute followed by '...anyway, as I was saying...jabber, jabber, jabber' :o

I know someone like this and have always found it incredibly rude. It feels like a real slap in the face when someone is happy to spend the entire time you are together talking about themselves with no effort to ask about what is going on with you. I often end up feeling exhausted, like I've been on the receiving end of a verbal battering. I try to avoid them.

Kladkaka, what you've said is really interesting.

My DH can be very diffficult to talk to. Even if you just join in the conversation to clarify a detail.

e.g.

DH: I was talking to Dave in my office about the XYZ project

Me: Is Dave the tall one I was talking to at the xmas party?

DH: I'm TALKING. Don't interrupt me it's rude!

Makes me seethe. But perhaps there is a reason for it. His parents are both socially awkward come to think of it..

That is a very rude way for your DH to talk to you, aberdeen. What do you say when he speaks to you in that way?

Kladkaka I knew a woman like that, that I used to work with. I sat there smiling and nodding politely but after a year it was getting silly. Saying "well I have to go now" or "bye then" or walking towards the door didn't help. In the end I realised that I could just say "bye" and leave the room and I could hear her carrying on talking as I walked down the corridor. That was quite extreme I thought - are you as "bad" as that?

Maybe your nan is the woman I used to work with

I'm glad some of you think it's rude too!

It's interesting that some of you are self-aware enough to know that you are like that but don't actually do anything to change it. Do you just have friends that are similar to you and then just talk 'at' each other incessantly without ever listening to the other one?

I actually prefere people like this for school gate purposes as it means you do not really have to engage too much and the odd nod in the correct places just gets me by with very little comitment.

SQ, I generally say something along the lines of "stop being so utterly RIDICULOUS. In order for the two of us to have a conversation I sometimes need to actually say something other than, 'oh really'. Now if you actually want to have a conversation about this then go ahead and politely listen to me when I interject. Otherwise I will not be continuing with it"

But you usually with more expletives and stomping

He doesn't do it that often anymore. I think we've come to an understanding.

Agnes, my daughter (ASD) is like that. She's got a script that she can't deviate from. Any attempt to move her off it is met with RAGE!

Sardine, no I'm not like that, thankfully, although my Nan was. She would follow me round the (tiny) kitchen, so that everytime I turned round for so much as a teaspoon, she was in my face. Then follow me up to the bathroom and stand outside the door jabbering. What was really weird is that she'd be telling the same anecdote over and over again. Not because of dementia or anything, but because she seemed to genuinely think it was the most interesting thing in the world. So interesting that we'd want to hear it again, and again and again. Her iron blowing up was her sole topic of conversation for about 6 months.

It's interesting that some of you are self-aware enough to know that you are like that but don't actually do anything to change it. Do you just have friends that are similar to you and then just talk 'at' each other incessantly without ever listening to the other one?

Most of the people I mix with are also on the spectrum. Strangely enough, put 2 of us together and the communication issues disappear. None of us do well with small talk, it's pretty pointless, so we don't bother. We can happily spend a couple of hours, totally relaxed over a meal without saying anything beyond 'pass the salt'. :o

i made friends with a woman in a wheelchair..we talked,and she seemed very nice.she told me the whole of her medical history in our first meeting,and i hope i was empathetic.next meeting,i heard all of her family history,her children's history,her trouble with her neighbours,the council,the world and everything......i now avoid her,because talking to her is just totally draining. i can't remember her asking me anything,i doubt if she remembers my name.

It's interesting that some of you are self-aware enough to know that you are like that but don't actually do anything to change it. Do you just have friends that are similar to you and then just talk 'at' each other incessantly without ever listening to the other one?

I have very few friends any more. I am awaiting evaluation for adult ADD. I think I have probably pissed off so many people over the years with my clumsy social skills that they were probably glad to see the back of me when I moved away after my divorce. Now, despite having a young DS, I actively avoid trying to make friends with other mothers because I don't want to disliked, I'd rather just be not known, if that makes sense. I will smile at people, but I try to avoid getting into conversation. It helps that I am always running a few minutes late, so I don't have to wait in the playground.

I can be like that, I get shy and have to force myself to speak at all so it comes out as a bit of verbal diarrhea , I do walk away and kick myself when I play the conversation over in my head, I do know how I SHOULD have behaved but since a very emotionally abusive relationship I sometimes get so toungue tied that for a couple of years I didn't speak to anyone I hadn't known previously unless it was an essential work thing, I'm working on it and now talk to as many people as possible, but when you've been completely broken as a person it takes time to build yourself back up, speaking at all was a big step, I know I have more work to do.

I am very interested in others and considerate really but it comes easier in 1:1 situations with people I know a bit, however in school gate type situations it does come out as trail of thought self centred nonsense , when actually I am trying really really hard to be friendly and speak to everyone, everything that comes into my head to say in those situations is met with voices telling me how stupid I am, so I have to speak before I think or else I don't speak at all and crawl back into my shell - that's what the emotional abuse did, if you hear everything you say twisted and torn apart repeatedly you start to do it to yourself.. till like me (for a while) you don't trust yourself to say anything

"It's interesting that some of you are self-aware enough to know that you are like that but don't actually do anything to change it. Do you just have friends that are similar to you and then just talk 'at' each other incessantly without ever listening to the other one?"

no because I'm not like that with my friends, I'm like that with aquaintances, which at times makes it hard to turn aquaintances into friends but I do manage to sometimes get over that hurdle and get to know someone to the point where they find out what I"m really like

• when I was so self conscious I barely spoke, I made no new friends, not one, but of course during that time I didn't piss anyone off either. I was insignificant
• now, I speak a lot, so if I piss 9/10 people off but make 1 friend out of a group of 10 because I at least tried, then that's an improvement for me!