To think that this way of behaving in a conversation is actually really rather bloody rude?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

I keep getting a woman coming up to talk to me at the school gates. Her DD is in the same year as my DD. She seems harmless enough but talks about herself all the time. Me me me me me. On the rare occasion that I manage to get a word in edgeways she doesn't even acknowledge that I've spoken.

Today she came over to me to chat again, and was talking about herself, and her upcoming house move, and her daughter's dancing lessons and various other things. I tried to make comments and basically have a 2 way conversation but she wasn't interested. In the end I cut her off mid-sentence and said 'Oh well I hope you have a wonderful weeekend, I'm in a bit of a hurry so need to go now' and off I went.

Is it me or are people like that actually very rude? I have in the past been collared at the school by another mum who behaves in a similar way and actually now I do go out of my way to avoid her. I'm of the 'grab your child and get home ASAP' school of thought when it comes to school runs, maybe occasionally I'll have a chat with one or two of the mums that I'm close to, but i really resent having my 10 minutes of peace and quiet waiting outside the school being talked 'at'.

Gosh, I didn't realise this type of conversational behaviour could be due to autism!

WhitesandsofLuskentyre - you mentioned that you were hoping for a psych eval. I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you suspect ASD, or is there a different diagnosis that could also fit?

My Mum has always done this. She seems to be missing certain conversational techniques: particularly empathising and validating. It makes having a conversation quite difficult and exhausting: occasionally, you just want the other person to say 'really, that's nice dear' instead of either topping your story or arguing with whatever you've said.

Really interested that you say that pragmatics are difficult for people with ASD, Kladd. I remember a conversation with my Mum when I was a teenager: after I told her about something, and she topped it with a 'that's nothing, I did...' story of her own again, I snapped at her 'You've always done something better, haven't you'. And she smiled happily and said 'Well, that's because I'm older'. A few seconds of silence later, she realised she'd misinterpreted what I'd meant. Admittedly, English isn't her first language, but I think most people would have noticed the way I said it.

It's not that she's uncaring or selfish at all. She's really kind and loving, and absolutely wants the best for her family. She just doesn't get conversation right.

She sometimes does realise later that she's upset people, but she doesn't see the small signs that show it's time to stop before it happens. And even afterwards, she doesn't really understand what she's done wrong.

Could she have undiagnosed ASD?

Here's what you do:

Get to the school gate just as school finishes and NO EARLIER.

Grab your dd and get home quickly.

I just accept some people are like this....you tend not to get close to them but frankly people that just say nothing, make no contribution ......mutes......I find much harder work and cannot be arsed with. Some people actually seem to have nothing to say for themselves or have never lost that self absorbed form of self consciousness some teenagers are afflicted with....now they are harder work than the witterers who are much less complicated. I think different types annoy different types. I am fine with witterers.....we met one in a cafe yesterday....my dh said afterwards how annoying.....I felt. Sorry for her and wondered if she had a mh problem. But quiet people.....my dh has a lot of artist friends who are so silent and enthuse about nothing, when you ask questions they are monosyllabic with their answers....they drive me crazy.cool people.......very irritating to me.
Just nod along and excuse yourself or say...I am having some quiet time.

Aberdeen good I didn't like to think of you being spoken to like that without reacting in a sweary appropriate way

Also - the thing about having a "script" - my brother does that! He actually is quite a rude selfish sod anyway, but also quite funny so it balances out. He would go mad if he was interrupted and one day I just said look this is a conversation this is how it works one person says something and another person says something and it moves on and the subject may change. It is not about me mum & dad just sitting here in silence while you regale us with stories.

he is a little better now

fizzwhirl it would be impossible to say over the internet. ASD has a triad of impairments and to get a diagnosis you have to have significant problems in all 3 areas. They are:

1. Communication (eg cannot initiate or sustain conversation, unusual use of language, problems with pitch, tone etc)

1. Social Interaction (can't make friends, difficulty showing interest in things others are interested in, unusual eye contact or body language

1. Repetitive Behaviours (special interests, repeated gestures or actions -stimming, fascination with object parts like switches, rigid routines, lists)

Dancergirl, that is indeed the plan! However it is not uncommon for DD2's class to be out of school up to 15 minutes late, and then on other days to come out exactly on time. I like to be there waiting for her as she gets upset if I'm not there.

Agree Pitmountainpony the quiet ones drive me mad - leaving others to make all the social effort thanks for that. My ILs are like this. THey will just sit there and give one word answers to questions, so we sit in silence over a meal which I find really awkward so end up wittering then because I am having to do all the social work eventually I will say something "wrong" and they will get pissed off with me. Grrr.

fizzwhirl - I don't suspect ASD, I suspect adult ADD (lightbulb moment after making an appointment for ADHD evaluation for one of my DCs). I think I'm right in saying they're different . For years I've been criticised for doing things which I now know to be typical ADD behaviour (my list goes on for pages) but as far as conversations are concerned I'm guilty of interruptions, answering questions before they've been asked, going off at a tangent, introducing totally random and irrelevant subject matter, missing non-verbal cues (to shut up!) and leaping on the defensive (because I take everything as implied criticism). I've been called tactless, rude and selfish and told I steamroller people in conversation. Or I'll just get up and leave the room part-way through a conversation because I've had a sudden thought about something else that needs my attention! My mum even gave up speaking to me on the phone for several years because she couldn't bear the experience.

It is very rude - selfish and thoughtless.
I had a 30 minute 'phone conversation with my sil. I said "Yes" "No" "Hmm" and that's about it. She didn't stop for breath, when I put the phone down I was exhausted.

Does anyone else find that a lot of women are just generally odd?

Just using the school run as an example, if I walk past someone on a pavement who is a mum of a child in my DC's class and I've met and chatted to perfectly normally several times previously, I find it really odd that sometimes they don't even make eye contact, let alone say Hi. Another time, they will be all over me like a rash.

Then you get the type of women being discussed on this thread, who bore me senseless and the opposites - the monosyllabic, dull, dull, dull people who make zero effort and are exhausting for the opposite reason.

I know it's not ME, because other women that I consider perfectly normal, say the same things about these women.

I like all sorts of people, I always try to be cheerful and friendly and enjoy engaging with people but I'd say people like me are in the minority. There are some jolly odd women around.

Schlumberger, yes I find many are pretty odd! Hence why I don't tend to bother with many people these days, I really can't be arsed with putting up with the 'quirkiness' of others and pretending to like it!

I know someone very much like that. She thinks she is a friend of mine, but actually I avoid her as far as I can.

Hex, isn't it just such a joy to get introduced to a woman you haven't met before and after just a few minutes, share that "we're both normal and we both recognise it" feeling!!!

LOL Schlum yes it is isn't it. I love it when I meet someone on my wavelength!

It is mostly rude but I think it depends on the person. If there's something 'not right' about a person (overly anxious or socially confused) then it's kinder to smile politely and try to steer the conversation to something more interesting so as not to hurt their feelings. It gives the other person an opportunity to take a breather and relax a bit. Sometimes you can find someone who comes across a bit mad but when you get to know them they're lovely, interesting and you realise they're more quirky then truly mental.

Most people who behave like that though are just self obsessed and will use any excuse to listen to their true love - the sound of their own voices. Their only problem is egocentricity. Incredibly boring and best avoided. Can't stand people like that. My attitude to that is if they don't care to have me as part of the conversation then they won't care when I walk away while their still talking to themselves.

I've got people who I'm friends with on Facebook, they comment on my status updates, pictures etc. We have a bit of banter. In rl, they don't acknowledge my existence! Weeeeeeeeeird!

i think people like this are great. I can switch off and say 'hmm' and 'really?' at the appropriate points and not feel socially conscious myself.

and sometimes you find out interesting things.

YANBU
I used to have a boss that talked so much that I would actually sometimes go and cry in the toilets after being with her because it was just so violating and overwhelming

Does anyone else find that a lot of women are just generally odd?

A lot of people are odd. even bog standard 'normal' people will prove weird if you get to know them well enough.

i think women tend to be encountered with their children, a major distraction and social encumbrance (as you are responsible for their behaviour as well as your own.) - though on the flip side, a talking point.

"Most people who behave like that though are just self obsessed and will use any excuse to listen to their true love - the sound of their own voices"

i know I can only speak for myself, but for me anyway it really is the exact opposite!

I hate doing it, but it really is better than the previous silent wallflower me, I've not yet got the balance right, maybe I never will, I do believe that it's better to risk acting a fool or saying too much about myself etc than to not say anything to anyone

I find that no matter how hard I try, I literally cannot speak over people like that. Perhaps they give up too easily and I need to speak more loudly and be more forceful but the ones I know, including today's woman just talk and talk and talk over me.

Thanks, Kladd. 1 & 2 are possibles, but not 3. In that case, I'll carry on just considering it one of her idiosyncrasies

WhiteSands - The behaviours you describe in yourself don't sound rude or selfish, just the result of processing the world a bit differently to most people. I can imagine they would make social interaction difficult though (and probably sometimes tiring/irritating for the other person, like with my Mum). I hope your evaluation goes well, and you are able to get any help that might make things work better.

fwiw, I love meeting people who see the world a bit differently! I find them far more interesting.

Kladdkaka (or anyone else who has experience of ASD) - is there any way in which the person you're talking to can make things easier for you so that you can have a more enjoyable, less confusing conversation? I ask because one of my flatmates at uni had Asperger's and we all found it very difficult to hold a conversation with him because of the things listed on this thread - not leaving space for others to talk, interrupting and shouting over people (he would often shout the first word of a sentence over and over, with increasing volume, until everyone else was silent so he could say his piece). We knew about his AS so we tended to just nod along until he'd said what he needed to (there was definitely a sense that he needed to get the words out, or he'd explode!) and then steer the conversation back to its original topic... he seemed to like us and spent a lot of time with us, so I assume he didn't feel offended by our response, but it would be interesting to know for future reference if there was a better way we could have responded to keep him engaged in the conversation without completely dominating it.