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Original poster

To think that people having affairs

289 replies

InappropriateCrushes · 19/04/2012 13:19

Is very very rife. Made so much easier with social networking sites, mobiles and email.

People I know, friends, friends of friends, colleagues, everybody is at it, or at least flirting, or sexting, or on the brink of something they shouldn't be.

It's not right, I know, I'm not saying it is. On the relationships forum there are so many threads from heartbroken women whose partners have cheated, but it got me wondering; who are they cheating with? That someone could be you or me. We're naice girls, it doesnt make us evil or detestable, does it?

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 20/04/2012 08:09

sharia law seems to have the right idea public flogging for all those that cheat

the self righgtous on this thread is inreadible

FreudianSlipper · 20/04/2012 08:12

self righteousness ... incredible

oh bollocks can't spell this morning

Pagwatch · 20/04/2012 08:26

"Anyone who says I never would or my dh never would is vulnerable."

I either don't understand what you are saying or simply disagree.

Of course I can't possibly know for certain that my DH would never have an affair but why can I not say that I never would?

Of course affairs happen for all sorts of reasons. People are frail, lives are complicated. I just wouldn't.

porcamiseria · 20/04/2012 08:48

one question for desperategit, just curious

when you say "sexless intimacy less" what do we mean here, am curious

are we talking nothing for years whatsoever
annual
monthly

plus many couples have less sex, but are still close and imtimate IYSWIM

really worried DP will leave for foxy neighbour as ahem, we do it less since kids born yada yada

bronze · 20/04/2012 08:59

I wouldnt either Pag.
I'm not sure I have sympathy for Git either. He says the wife knows and they're just waiting but presumably at some point he met the ow and there was an overlap. If he didn't like the fact the relationship he was in was sexless etc he has the choice to work on it or leave. Moving straight on to someone else especially in an overlap
is not about the hardness of the first relationship it's about selfishness. Surely if the marriage was that bad you would delight in being single for bit. Never seems to be the case for those making out that it is morally ok for them to mess with their spouses life.

Hullygully · 20/04/2012 09:17

nor me.

and nor would dh.

or he'd die horribly and he knows it.

bronze · 20/04/2012 09:20

Smile hully

I always say my dh wouldn't dare because he's too scared of his mum Grin

PostBellumBugsy · 20/04/2012 09:33

Funny isn't it, before it happens to you, you are so sure it couldn't happen. I always used to say my H wouldn't either as he couldn't lie for toffee and I would remove his heart with a spoon (had clearly been watching too much Robin Hood).

Then it happens & you can't remove their heart with a spoon, you can't even squeeze them for every penny in court, because it just doesn't work like that.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but everytime I read a thread where the woman has no bank account, doesn't know how much her H earns, hasn't worked for 10 years and now she finds herself on the recieving end of an affair with the marriage/ partnership over, I want to collectively shake womankind & say "wise up".

LeQueen · 20/04/2012 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yellowtip · 20/04/2012 13:35

My mother had an affair when I was thirteen which lasted years and years but it hasn't given me a particular moral take on affairs.

MissMogwi · 20/04/2012 13:42

I thought my partner of ten years would never cheat on me. I thought he'd never leave his children on the verge of being homeless. I thought he'd never prioritise another woman and her child before his own.

I now think very differently. I blamed them both. She knew he had a family, in fact she wouldn't have met him if he didn't. I blamed him the most though, he became and still is, a massively selfish coward.

cory · 20/04/2012 13:49

I think there's a fair few of us on here who can say confidently that whoever these people are having an affair with it's not us. And if like me you've got close to the age of 50 and never felt the inclination to flirt with somebody else's husband then chances are beginning to seem fairly remote. Yeah, I suppose I might, in the sense that I might dye my hair pink or start voting Conservative- but I'd need a bit of a personality transplant first.

So the whole thing of "that somebody could be your or me" seems a bit remote. "That somebody" voting for David Cameron could also be me- but I shall do my bloody best to avoid it!

I have seen the difference between myself, whose dad put all his emotional energy into his family even at the toughest of times, and my friend, whose dad cheated on her mum for years. Just the way we are around men, the way she has obviously been damaged, her trust issues- I would be prepared to suffer a lot before I put somebody else's daughter through that.

And yes, I have known unrequited love, I have known loneliness, I have had to live without sex for long periods. I still couldn't do it to a child, doesn't matter if the child isn't mine.

LeQueen · 20/04/2012 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yellowtip · 20/04/2012 14:00

I'm not sure why you think it necessarily affects children though cory, I can think of far worse things than a parent having an affair.

FreudianSlipper · 20/04/2012 14:02

do you not think the men or women who have cheated before it happened when things were good if you asked them could you have an affair, could you live with lying to your partner, hurt your family in such a way for the sake of how you feel for another and how someone else makes you feel

of course they would say no everytime

madmouse · 20/04/2012 14:07

Cory someone I'm very close to had an affair (then came clean and turned their marriage around). And I would never have guessed. They're just not that kind of person. Because there is no particular type of person. I think it's generally a bad idea to think it only happens to certain people (ie not you). Of course you always have the choice, but somehow we're all capable of wrong choices.

PostBellumBugsy · 20/04/2012 14:20

Exactly Freudian! My ex-H was always adamant that he would never have an affair & leave his children - until he fell in love with someone else!!!!!

My DCs are fine too. I never fell apart and Ex-H & I are civil to each other & we liaise about matters regarding them.

Whilst I still think affairs are wrong, I think relationships can stumble on doing infinitely more damage to DCs because the adults are so dysfunctional in the relationship. AND I still maintain I'd rather be left because my ex fell in love with someone else, than that he found me so unbearable to be with - he'd rather leave just because of that! At least I can aportion a healthy amount of blame on to him & enjoy the moral high ground! Grin

FreudianSlipper · 20/04/2012 14:52

wow you really have come through what you have with a great positive attitude and enjoy yourself up there :) you deserve to

cory · 20/04/2012 15:20

Yellowtip Fri 20-Apr-12 14:00:47
"I'm not sure why you think it necessarily affects children though cory, I can think of far worse things than a parent having an affair."

Yes, so can I. But strangely enough, all the people I know who have been the children in this situation have been badly affected. And it is quite clear that the worst thing for them was not that their parents fell out of love or that their family split up, but that the father who had taught them about truth and trust was actually lying to them. Children whose parents fell in love with somebody else and split up didn't seem anywhere near as damaged. It was the lying that did it. It made them question their whole upbringing.

I agree that if I hadn't seen it, I would not have believed this was such a particularly damaging thing.

cory · 20/04/2012 15:24

madmouse Fri 20-Apr-12 14:07:57
"Cory someone I'm very close to had an affair (then came clean and turned their marriage around). And I would never have guessed. They're just not that kind of person. Because there is no particular type of person. I think it's generally a bad idea to think it only happens to certain people (ie not you). Of course you always have the choice, but somehow we're all capable of wrong choices."

Sure. And ordinary people like me go shop-lifting and fiddle their income tax returns and lie about their expenses. Perhaps that means that I could also be that kind of person. Fair enough, But I wouldn't think that much of an excuse. I just don't see how that lying to my husband is more excusable than lying to the bank or to the benefits office.

QuickLookBusy · 20/04/2012 17:03

My Mum and Dad split when I was only 3 years old. They both remarried and both had affairs throughout my teenage years. It affected me in many negative ways.

Like LeQueen and Cory and probably others on this thread, I could never put my DDs through what I went through.

It is not worth it.

susiedaisy · 20/04/2012 17:07

I know several people who have had affairs but only one who's marriage survived and that's only because her husband doesn't know yet!

madmouse · 20/04/2012 17:09

Cory there is no excuse. My friend never made an excuse, just admitted their wrongs.

I was only saying that IME it can happen to anyone.

VivaLeBeaver · 20/04/2012 17:10

I used to work in an office where it was all blokes apart from me. Every one of the 20 blokes apart from one was having an affair. Really opened my eyes. Very easy to have an affair in work time in a lot of jobs.

Yellowtip · 20/04/2012 17:13

As I've said, I was such a child. I agree about the lying though. My mother didn't lie to us, perhaps that's the difference.