To think that people having affairs

[InappropriateCrushes]

Is very very rife. Made so much easier with social networking sites, mobiles and email.

People I know, friends, friends of friends, colleagues, everybody is at it, or at least flirting, or sexting, or on the brink of something they shouldn't be.

It's not right, I know, I'm not saying it is. On the relationships forum there are so many threads from heartbroken women whose partners have cheated, but it got me wondering; who are they cheating with? That someone could be you or me. We're naice girls, it doesnt make us evil or detestable, does it?

I quite see that if one spouse is teribly hurt they might well want the offending spouse to feel guilt that the children will be damaged. But that's a bad attitude and very selfish in itself. Likely to be self-fulfilling as well.

Is it the affair that does the damage to children or the fact that the parent leaves the family home?

Would it be any worse/better for the child if the marriage breaks down due to the parents drifting apart or a host of other reasons that people seperate?

It is a genuine question, as I haven't been in that situation as either an adult or a child. My partner was put in an incredibly shitty situaiton when she found out about her father's affair two years before her mum did.

Well it seems to me that if the aggrieved spouse wishes to retain the moral high ground then they need to not burden themselves emotionally on their child or children and not assume a mindset that the child or children will inevitably be damaged.

I don't recall my father doing either of those two things, ever. Even though he was more than a bit pissed off.

OK YellowT", I'm not going to judge you, your mum, her partner or his family; but I think the delusions behind your posts show exactly how damaging to children affairs can be.

And ComposH your partner's situation is the perfect storm: what she knew (her Dad was having an affair) forced her to chose between her Dad (Do not tell) and her Mum (Do tell): how the f*ck can a child deal with that?

My own DP had to deal with this - the parent having an affair knew she knew & challenged her to tell the other: result - a lifetime of mental health issues that have affected both our own DCs.

I'll say it again & again & again: affairs always hurt children.

affairs do not always hurt children how can you talk for every person whos parent or parents had affairs and base it on your dp's experience

many children do not even know about the affairs or do not until years later

also many jsut accept that their parents relationship is their relationship, what goes on between them does not reflect on how either of them feel about their children

How can it not hurt children? Ok, it may not damage them, but seeing their Mother/Father/both in turmoil and their lives changing with one parent leaving, DOES affect them. Maybe not greatly, but everyone deals with things differently and that includes children.

Yellowtip, did you never worry about your Father? Or to how your Mother would cope? Surely you didn't just accept it, forget about it, and get on with things without giving it a single thought?

FreudianSlipper, I highly doubt a young child would be able to understand it that way and accept it. An older one maybe, as in Teenage years, but younger, I find that very hard to believe.

often children are not aware of affairs (as many happen without the partner finding out)

of course a parent leaving, parent fighting hurts children but this can happen without someone else being involved

for many it is not the most terrible thing to happen and for some it is no one can say that it damages all children because all circumstances are different and we are all individuals who react in different ways

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I am raging with this insulting patronizing BS plus the inability to post before I get logged out Yellowtip you beat me to it. I am also a child who has not been adversely affected by my Mother's affair. My story is very similar to yours and my feelings exactly the same.
I would also add that at no time did I hear my parents run each other down nor did they involve us (children) in their personal relationship. Sorry if this makes for uncomfortable reading and doesn't fit in with the popular misconception that all adulterers are the 'lowest of the low' and 'dirty scum' oh yes and all children are 'damaged'

Unfortunately another. complication is abandonment of the children by the parent that leaves.Terribly expensive to pay for kids from past relationship when you are in a new relationship.It really eats into their budget and to pay child maintenance leaves them with no. fun money.Children come to accept that he isn't turning up after a while. after several let downs on a Sunday.It is very sad if one parent has no contact after a split.kids are. affected emotionally.

But you just have to roll with it and create a stable loving home as best you can.Families evolve and you just have to get on with it.

that is not down to having an affair that is down to being a crap parent

having an affair makes you a crap partner for the person you are cheating on (though under some circumstances i do not think that matters) but it does not make you a bad parent or a bad person

FreudianSlipper well said.

I don't think that affairs inevitably hurt children, of course they do have the potential too, but that is largely dependent on how the parents handle the situation. If they start slagging off the other parent or demand the children take sides, then yes it will do damage. But that is not a result of the affair per se

Yes it is ComposHat & I think you're crazy If you think otherwise!

Freudian, it does make you a crap parent. It shows that you think nothing of putting your own needs before that of the children involved & you have shit morals.

ilove I think you might be universalising your own feelings on the topic. I know people who haven't been hurt by discovering their parents have had an affair.
One friend, whose parents had lived in an 'empty shell' marriage was happy that her dad had found some happiness.

It never is as Yellowtip said black and white.

You could be right ComposHat but I can only speak from my own experience & it's horrible, hurts immensely no matter how old you are & I truly believe decent people don't engage in this behaviour!

Some simplistic generalisations above ..

Anyway. Sometimes the affair is a symptom, not the disease. Not all affairs start out of boredom or lust. Sometimes they can give power to people to leave a bad or abusive marriage.

It would be better if there was no overlap between any relationships. But welcome to the real world.

It IS a selfish act to do. You can not honestly enter an affair and think and know that it would not affect your children. The only person they think of when entering the affair, is themselves and their own needs. That part of it is black and white.

Excuses desperategit doesn't make or less hurtful or right.

Should be doesn't make 'it' less hurtful.