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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that people having affairs

289 replies

InappropriateCrushes · 19/04/2012 13:19

Is very very rife. Made so much easier with social networking sites, mobiles and email.

People I know, friends, friends of friends, colleagues, everybody is at it, or at least flirting, or sexting, or on the brink of something they shouldn't be.

It's not right, I know, I'm not saying it is. On the relationships forum there are so many threads from heartbroken women whose partners have cheated, but it got me wondering; who are they cheating with? That someone could be you or me. We're naice girls, it doesnt make us evil or detestable, does it?

OP posts:
tefek · 19/04/2012 22:07

Its seems to be more and more prevelant among young adults, my sister who is 22 and my brother who is only 20 openly admit having slept with people in relationships. They boast about it claiming that people already in relationships are a greater "conquest" as apparently you've got to tempt them to risk what they've already got. It makes me very uncomfortasble when they talk about it to be honest and I don't understand the mentality that purely blames the person in the relationship for affairs and cheating.

hopefullynotacunt · 19/04/2012 22:08

It's hard for people without your level of self-esteem to do that, though LeQueen.

Your posts always strike me as full of self-esteem. I envy you that and I find it hard to imagine.

Similarly, I imagine it would be hard for you to imagine having so little that it's easier to live on crumbs and cloak and dagger meetings than to put yourself first, look your partner and children in the eye and say "I've had enough". It took me the best part of ten years to do it.

Thing is, you know that will hurt them. You can hope/kid yourself that what they don't know, won't.

desperategit · 19/04/2012 22:10

LQ

Not asking for bouquets. But life isn't always simple sadly. And I accept all the blame.

hopefullynotacunt · 19/04/2012 22:11

LeQueen maybe I would. I don't know. But I can't see that happening any time soon.

I need to work on being enough for myself.

PostBellumBugsy · 19/04/2012 22:13

You get down in the details of people's lives & it is never as simple as it seems.

I don't feel like I was played for a fool by ex-H & his affair. Couple splitting up is always painful and I'm not sure it makes the partner being left feel better to know that they were too unbearable to live with anymore than it does to think they were left for someone else. Ok, so the person leaving may feel their integrity is intact - but I'm not sure that spares the one being left any pain. To be honest, I think I'd rather believe my ex-H fell head over heels in love with someone else than he found me too ghastly to remain married too!

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hopefullynotacunt · 19/04/2012 22:19

Bloody hell, LeQueen, if only it were that simple.

Anyway, need to go to bed.

Have some food for thought. Thank you.

TalHotBlond · 19/04/2012 22:20

Whatme I've read a lot of similar posts. I don't think it's ever sonebody's fault that their partner has an affair BUT especially since having children I've realised that you have to work hard at a relationship to keep it on track as its very easy to get too tired / comfortable / let life get in the way.

If you lose lose sex/intimacy, you lose that closeness/affection/connection and the relationship becomes vulnerable to all sorts of things. The ultimate responsibility always lies with the cheater who makes the conscious decision to find affection elsewhere rather than working on the relationship which I always hope I would try to do.

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paticker · 19/04/2012 22:26

Tefek I'm Shock at your post

kittyandthefontanelles · 19/04/2012 22:28

Yay, lequeen! Let's hope that happens. It's the cloak and dagger I can't stand. The unnecessary overlapping. Have the decency to shut one door before opening the next.

Whatmeworry · 19/04/2012 22:29

Similarly, I imagine it would be hard for you to imagine having so little that it's easier to live on crumbs and cloak and dagger meetings than to put yourself first, look your partner and children in the eye and say "I've had enough".

In this case I think the affair was necessary, in order to break free.

titfortat · 19/04/2012 22:29

Well desperategit, in that case, that is fair enough. As long as nothing is being organised and planned behind your soon to be ex wife without her knowledge which is what I felt would of been selfish.

porcamiseria · 19/04/2012 22:29

this is a depressing thread

infidelity can, and does cause so much pain

therefore alot of people DO have a very black and white view of it, even if the parties concerned have some rationale

there's no ambiguity

and I can understand stories likedesperategit

happy happy! glaring at my DP now

PostBellumBugsy · 19/04/2012 22:32

Porcamiseria, I'm not sure that infedility is always the cause of the pain - sometimes I think it is a symptom.

TalHotBlond · 19/04/2012 22:38

I have a bit of a glare at mine after reading MN some nights. He's definitely no fan of my coming on here! Grin

thebody · 19/04/2012 22:54

Anyone is vulnerable to an affair, not just men btw op, women have affairs too.

it's I think much more commen when children are older, obvious really as all parties knackered when kids young.

Anyone who says I never would or my dh never would is vulnerable.

I think you will find that people have always had affairs.many many in the second world war so no dont agree at all what social networking to blame, though sure lots if affairs DISCOVERED by Mobile phone bills and Internet!!

As my gran would say your generation didn't invent sex my dear

CrispyCod · 19/04/2012 22:57

Anyone who says I never would or my dh never would is vulnerable.

Agree totally.

titfortat · 19/04/2012 23:13

By me saying, that in my opinion, I never would have an affair, does NOT make me vulnerable just because I am currently happy, and content in my relationship and I would prefer to do things differently if that ever changed.

I would never say that my partner wouldn't, as I honestly can not see into the future. Nor truly know what he feels or how he feels. I agree in part, that those thinking their partners would never do it, does make them, well, I wouldn't say vulnerable, but naive maybe and open to humiliation. Therefore leading to vulnerability. But that is IF they are wrong.

thebody · 19/04/2012 23:16

So basically after long post u r vulnerable.?

no1knowsmyname · 19/04/2012 23:41

all i will say on this matter is that any man/woman that cheats on their dp are in my eyes the lowest of the low there is no excuse in the book that will justify someone doing that compleate and utter scumbags

as for the men/women who go out of their way to sleep with someone they know to have a partner i think are worse than scum.

dirty disgusting nasty ppl.

titfortat · 20/04/2012 01:08

How am I vulnerable? I am not leaving myself open to that by saying my partner would never cheat on me.

Maybe you should reread my post.

AmberLeaf · 20/04/2012 07:42

Its always gone on and it always will- its human nature.

Ive seen a lot of it, my dad married his OW and I know a fair few people who have had infidelity in their marriage/relationships.

Ive not done it but its been done to me.

I think some that do it are predatory but not all, I wouldnt say they are all cunts.

tinkertitonk · 20/04/2012 07:49

I'm astonished to find so many people seeing these things in such stark terms. It's as if they haven't even read Anna Karenina.

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