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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking I will never get over the death of my parents?

101 replies

Megatron · 18/04/2012 20:35

First of all this is not a 'poor me, please feel sorry for me thread'. Honestly it's not but I am really beginning to wonder if I will ever get over their deaths.

I am 45, healthy, good marriage, fantastic kids, a job I really enjoy and financially OK (not flash, but OKish most of the time). My mum had a horrendous time with cancer and died almost two years ago in a horrible, horrible way that left me and my dad totally traumatised. My dad then died totally unexpectedly 6 months later. I was very close to both of them and I miss them so much it can be unbearable sometimes.

I 'look' fine, I tell everyone I'm fine, I don't think I'm depressed but I am really struggling with just not seeing them or talking to them. My mum used to drive me nuts with her ridiculous phone calls telling me a load of old tosh for an hour but God I would give anything for one of those calls now.

I don't spend my days sobbing, I have a good life with great friends etc. It's just, I dunno really, it sounds very childish but I just want them back. At the risk of sounding ridiculous I sometimes pretend to myself that they're on holiday and that's why I can't talk to them or see them.

Those of you who have been through this, does it get easier? Or am I just a saddo that needs to get a grip now?

OP posts:
goodygumdrops · 18/04/2012 20:38

Oh poor you. Im not in your position but I dont thing YABU at all. It must be very hard. No words of advice sorry x

smoggii · 18/04/2012 20:38

So sorry for your loss. It is still very recent and you will probably never stop missing them but pain gets easier to bear as time goes on x

You can keep them with you by remembering them and talking about them.

You are far from being a saddo

Psammead · 18/04/2012 20:39

I don't think it's something you need to 'get over it, IYSWIM. Maybe you are expecting too much of yourself. Maybe if you stop trying to get over it, you will be able to work out a slightly healthier way of coping with it. It's not a bad thing to miss them, or cry about them. Let yourself express as much emotion as you need to. In time it may lessen.

Sorry for your losses.

DPrince · 18/04/2012 20:39

I haven't been through losing my parents but lost my nan almost 11 years ago. I lived with her growing up for a while and was very close. Its still hurts tbh, I still want her back.
I know it might not be what you want to hear I don't think it gets better/easier. I just think you learn to live with it. Just thinking about her now is enough to make me cry.
I am sorry for your lost. I am not trying to make you feel worse, just trying to be honest.

travellingwilbury · 18/04/2012 20:40

I think losing both of your parents in the space of 6 months must be so hard and I would think that anyone would struggl with that . You are very young to be going through this .

FWIW I don't think you will ever "get over it" but you will learn to carry it better and learn to enjoy the memories you have of them .

I am sorry you are going through it and I do think that it is still early days .

Be kind to yourself , it sounds to me that you are actually doing really well .

DPrince · 18/04/2012 20:40

I am sorry for your loss. Not lost.

Shutupanddrive · 18/04/2012 20:40

Oh poor you, of course your not a saddo. YANBU at all

GeraldineHoHoHobergine · 18/04/2012 20:42

Sorry for your loss, its really an awful thing thats happened to you. My mum died six years ago when I was 23. I haven't really got over it in the sense that I still want her back, but it's different now. I feel sad for all that won't be iyswim, that's what I find saddest. I feel bad that ds never knew her or my gp's. I would really just like to have a chat with her. Hope you find things easier soon.

Original poster
Megatron · 18/04/2012 20:43

I think I always felt when I was young that if my parents died when I was 'old' i.e. 40 ish Grin then it would be OK because they would be old and I would be a grown up and would be able to deal with it. But they weren't really that old and being a 'grown up' doesn't seem to have made any difference at all. I struggle with the way my mum suffered and how her life ended. She really didn't deserve what she went through and I feel shit that I couldn't make it better for her.

OP posts:
t0lk13n · 18/04/2012 20:43

Everyone grieves differently...there is no prescribed way to grieve. It is still raw for you. My lovely dad died in August and it is hard, especially when I go to see my mum. You will not get over it as the poster above has said but it does get easier. xxx Flowers

t0lk13n · 18/04/2012 20:44

Thanks even!

DPrince · 18/04/2012 20:45

Megatron - my friends nan died a few years ago at 98. She kept asking for her mum in her last few hours. I think you parents are always your parents. But I do agree, you think if it happens when your older, it will be 'ok'.

SwedishEdith · 18/04/2012 20:46

I think they're both very recent losses so I think it's completely expected to still just want them back. I'd lost both of my parents by 42 so I understand how you feel. For me, I think I felt most down and lost about it all at the stage you are now - 2 years after the death of your second parent. Maybe it's lifes moving on more and there's so much that they're are now missing. I find thinking about their house very sad and I still imagine my mum in there pottering about so I can get you thinking they're just on holiday. It's crap isn't it? Sad

blapbird · 18/04/2012 20:46

I'm sorry to read this OP, I actually cried reading this Sad , maybe you need to a bit more?
Have you read any lit about the stages of grief? I haven't lost my parents but my dear dad has had a few heart attacks and in a way I feel I have started to grieve for him already. I think with our emotions there are no right or wrong ways to feel, don't berate your self for feeling this sense of loss you sound like you cope brilliantly.
My advice would be to read literature about the stages of grief. Smile

Sidge · 18/04/2012 20:47

YANBU at all.

I believe losing a parent changes you. And losing both when you yourself are so young is even more 'wrong' IYKWIM.

I lost my dad 3 years ago and despite not seeing him often (he lived on the other side of the world) his death has left a gaping hole in my life. The loss has fundamentally changed me and some of my views/opinions/attitudes. Friends who have also lost a parent say the same.

Hugs to you.

lifechanger · 18/04/2012 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerryLellow · 18/04/2012 20:48

Oh no, not unreasonable at all. It's so very very sad. I hope you find some peace in time.

Original poster
Megatron · 18/04/2012 20:49

Yes it's totally crap Swedish. I like to think of my dad messing about in his garden and mum dancing about the kitchen with the radio on (a habit I appear to have inherited! Smile). They were great people and we had such a laugh together. I've never met anyone else in my whole life that can make me laugh like my dad did.

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 18/04/2012 20:49

The first two years I think are the hardest , in fact after my son died I found the second year harder than the first . Other people seemed to have moved on and expected me to have done the same . Also being able to say "this time last year we did x y or z " felt a lot closer than thinking about the year before .

It sounds like you might have some specific things to talk through about your mums illness , were you as a family supported by Macmillan nurses ? They are normally really good about spedning time and talking through things with a family no matter how long after you need to speak . Or maybe talking through things with a dr who may be able to give you some answers ?

It is a really hard and tiring thing to go through , you do sound like you are doing a good job , don't be too hard on yourself and allow yourself the space to be pissed off and grumpy , a good wallow never did anyone any harm .

BigusBumus · 18/04/2012 20:51

My dad was killed in the Falklands war when I was 10. He was 39. It will be 30 years in May. I can still cry today if I think about him the same as when I was a child. It's just bought tears to my eyes right now. You won't ever 'get over' it. But it becomes a special part of you that you always live with, and you learn how to deal with those feelings over time so that they don't interfere with your every day life, but they always remain with you.

Reading that it's not much help is it? I guess I'm trying to say you don't have to get over it, you can still live your life with it being part of you, you just learn to accept that.

Goodness im not explaining this well! it's the wine... X

teatimesthree · 18/04/2012 20:51

Oh poor you. I cried reading your post. My parents are still alive, but I imagine I will feel just the same when they are gone. It must be terrible. Do you think talking to a counsellor might help? I'm aware what a feeble suggestion this is. Xxx

Original poster
Megatron · 18/04/2012 20:51

lifechanger you've made a really good point actually about having fab parents. Some people have awful parents so I was bloody lucky really.

OP posts:
redrubyshoes · 18/04/2012 20:52

It does get easier and you will never forget, nor will you want to. I sat with my Dad in his last hours and it was horrific and I will never pretend it wasn't and there are images that I cannot erase.

The week he died a very close friend invited me round to a Mama Mia singalong and I was thinking Confused I actually sang and laughed and she held me close when I cried at the end of the evening.

I would give anything to hear his voice and hold my Dad again and I really understand your loss. I really do. But, one day you will smile at a memory without that gut wrenching feeling of grief. It will happen and I cherish those memories and they now make me happy.

Time does heal. It really does.

OhThisIsJustGrape · 18/04/2012 20:53

My mum died 13 years ago when I was only 20. She was only in her 40's a and, like your mum, she had cancer. It was horrific and the only tiny consolation I can draw from it all is that she went from diagnosis to passing away in only a couple of months. Although that in itself is awful in every way imaginable, I am comforted by knowing she didn't suffer for years with it.

It does get easier but even all these years on I still think of her every day. I mourn the times we should have had together, her knowing her grandchildren, seeing me get married etc. She never really knew me as an adult.

Losing both parents in such a short time is going to take a lot to come to terms with. Have you heard of Cruse? They were recommended toe after mum died but I stupidly didn't contact them. I thought I could cope - I wasn't breaking down in tears etc, I told myself I was fine. What actually happened was that all my grief came out in my dreams at night - I would wake up sobbing my heart out. My poor boyfriend (now dh) was amazing but looking back with an older and wiser head on I can see I needed some sort of bereavement counselling.

Just take things a day at a time, talking to someone about what has happened could really help you.

Big un-MN hugs to you xx

pixipie151 · 18/04/2012 20:53

YANBU, and Im very sorry for your loss. It is quite common for spouses to die within a shot time of eachother - I know someone who lost both mum and dad on the same day (dad had heart attak and died coming home after being told of his wife's death). You will never get over their death and you shouldn't try. The fantasy you have of them being on holiday is a protective dential response - totally normal. Just because everything else in life seems lovely (and it is!) it doesnt mean you cant still love and miss your mum and dad. They will always be your mum and dad and you will always miss them, but hopefully, your pain will decrease as time goes on. My mum died 4 1/2 years ago and I miss her more now that I haven't seen her for a long time, so dont be surprised if you go through this as some point too.

I wish you all the best, and a big hug xxx