in thinking I will never get over the death of my parents?

[Megatron]

First of all this is not a 'poor me, please feel sorry for me thread'. Honestly it's not but I am really beginning to wonder if I will ever get over their deaths.

I am 45, healthy, good marriage, fantastic kids, a job I really enjoy and financially OK (not flash, but OKish most of the time). My mum had a horrendous time with cancer and died almost two years ago in a horrible, horrible way that left me and my dad totally traumatised. My dad then died totally unexpectedly 6 months later. I was very close to both of them and I miss them so much it can be unbearable sometimes.

I 'look' fine, I tell everyone I'm fine, I don't think I'm depressed but I am really struggling with just not seeing them or talking to them. My mum used to drive me nuts with her ridiculous phone calls telling me a load of old tosh for an hour but God I would give anything for one of those calls now.

I don't spend my days sobbing, I have a good life with great friends etc. It's just, I dunno really, it sounds very childish but I just want them back. At the risk of sounding ridiculous I sometimes pretend to myself that they're on holiday and that's why I can't talk to them or see them.

Those of you who have been through this, does it get easier? Or am I just a saddo that needs to get a grip now?

My dad died 4.5 years ago and I still miss him terribly. He had cancer but died of a heart attack in ITU after the succesful operation to remove the cancer!

Funnily enough I dreamt of him last night, it doesn't happen often but I woke up smiling this morning.

Lots of regrets: should have told him repeatedly how amazing he was, how lucky I was to have him as my Dad, how much I loved him, how much I relied on his good sense and wisdom, how great his cuddles were and how his eyes twinkled when he smiled.

I am sad that my dc will never remember him (were 3 and 1 when he died) and that they will never have the relationship with him that I hoped for.

I've had to look after my Mum as my brothers live abroad and with 2 small kids I've had to be a 'coper' too. Although my children know how much I miss him I'm not sure that my Mum knows.

I know that I'll never 'get over it' but I have learnt to live in this new world without him. When my Mum dies then I'll have to learn to adjust again. It is hard, and it's crap and it's definitely not fair.

I'm so, so sorry Red2011. So recent for you and I'm so sorry if seeing this thread is making things even harder for you.

I can make myself cry at the thought of it so really sympathise.
I can only say that focus on the fact you have been so lucky to have had such a lovely relationship with your parents that you miss them so much-this is a gift as not everyone enjoys a strong relatiosnhip with their folks.
My husband admitted recently that it will be a relief when his dad dies- alcoholic, selfish man who used the family income to gamble, drove his mum to mental illness with his lunatic way of being.He says the only reason he will go to the funeral (when that time comes) is so it does not look bad at work, but essentially he will not shed a tear. Now that is the dreadful cost of not having had a proper relationship with a parent.I cannot imagine having had that kind of father. So in the midst of the ongoing grief maybe thinking this is the price we all must pay for a deep love and connection with someone, may help. But honestly I will be you when my time comes- I think if you really love your parents you will always miss them.

Megatron, do you know what, the way you feel is really normal I think. I lost my dad about 9 months ago, but I still have Mum so I am really lucky.

I used to to speak to Dad every day and I miss that so much now. He would sometimes ring to tell me stuff he had said 2 or 3 times before and I understand how you would have felt talking about the "tosh" with your mum! Dad was great with tosh

I know what you mean about wanting them back. I'm a proper grown-up (mostly) but I often have times where I just cry into my pillow and shout "it's not fair!". I want Dad back too. I know it's impossible, but it doesn't stop you wanting.

It's hard to realise sometimes that they are gone, so pretending they are hols is understandable.

Everyone on here - my thoughts are with you.

Just wanted to day I know how you feel, having lost both parents within a few years, by the time I was 40 and my Mum to horrific cancer. My Grandmother died the same year. I too was very close to them. Like you, my Mum died nearly 2 years ago and I think I am finding it harder now, it is really torturing me and I see no point to anything now. I haven't had counselling because I don't see how it could help, but others say it does help so maybe worth a try? I can't see it getting easier but who knows. I just get on with things as best I can but definitely feel like I am just going through the motions. So sorry to be no help but I really relate to your post x

I'm finding this thread slightly therapeutic actually. I don't normally talk to people about my parents very much as I find it really difficult not to get upset but was talking to someone at work today about my dad, and his shockingly bad DIY (he built his own greenhouse much to my mum's horror ). I couldn't stop laughing as I was telling her about it, I had a vision in my head of him standing proudly looking at his wonky greenhouse and my mum just shaking her head in disgust and muttering under her breath. It was just a really lovely memory. I want more of them, and less of the traumatic stuff.

That's great Megatron, I think the more you can laugh and remember the good memories, the better. It doesn't matter if you get upset though - you have every right to. Sorry if it's been said already and if it's a bit of a cliche, but have you considered counselling?

Any other funny memories spring to mind?

Oops pony, you just said about conselling, sorry

Pony It's shit isn't it. I've considered counselling before but like you, I don't know how it would help. I also thought they might think I've left it too long now to speak to them. And truth be told, I'm not really sure what to say.

I'm sorry for your losses. Losing your parents 18 months apart really is very bad luck, OP, and an awful lot for anyone to deal with, however good the rest of your life is.

I lost my Dad aged 8, and Mum aged 31 (6 years ago last month). I don't think you ever stop missing them, but you do learn to live with it.

I found bereavement counselling very helpful after losing Mum. (I went to my GP with the most awful neck pain, and left with a referral - very perceptive chap, I think.) Is that something you might consider?

DS was born when I was 33, and I yearned to put him in my parents' arms. However, I have basically adopted my PILs as though they were my own parents these days. Even though I sometimes get irrationally jealous of MIL, in her mid-sixties, whose mother is still alive and living in her own home

They really wouldn't think you have left it too long , in fact 2 years is the average time people feel the need to talk things through .

It does sound like you could do with a friendly ear to talk about what has happened , and you are right in thinking it won't fix what has happened (how could anything other than a time machine or magic wand) but it should help you to come to terms with things better and give you space to just "be" for a while .

Sorry OP, I cross-posted and didn't see your comment about counselling.

I found it helpful, even though I didn't really want to go beforehand TBH. Before it I was feeling kind of stuck (I can't really explain it any better than that) and it helped me to get past the worst of it.

I had 12 sessions. My counsellor commented that at the start I had been "heartbroken" (her word), but seemed more accepting of how things were now, at the end.

I didn't go straight away - Mum died in March, I went to my GP in October/ November.

I'm sorry about the loss of your parents. I lost my mother (admittedly she was elderly) in difficult circumstances two years ago. I'm not sure that you "get over it" so much as move into a different way of remembering. So while I remain (bizarrely) cross about the way I feel she chose to die (not suicide but of something that she could have avoided) I now find it possible to look back on her with great fondness rather than deep unhappiness.

There are still times when I forget she has died, however, and think "must tell Mum about this, she'll find it hilarious" and then realise I shared my last stories with her two years ago and the chance won't come round again.

But be kind to yourself. Take as long as you need to remember the good times. Nobody forgets their parents and neither should you feel there's some sort of appropriate time period after which one is supposed to have got over things.

I did have a look at the Cruse link that someone kindly posted earlier and there is a centre very close to me. I suppose I've got nothing to lose really.

If you do go, I would be interested to hear how you get on x

I will let you know if I do decide to go Pony and of course let you know how it goes.

mega, I'm so sorry this is making you feel low, but to me how you feel is really normal, it just shows how much you love/d your mum and dad

when my dad died it took me ages before I could say the word "dad", I remember a work conversation with my boss and her parents and every time my boss called her dad "dad" I couldn't speak, I just couldn't, but I desperatly tried and managed to hide it.

time does heal your feelings, trust me, my heart was broken when my dad died and time is the only healer - well that and talking about it here to people who have been through it

be kind to yourself and remember you are entirely normal and not alone in your feelings

My parents died nearly twenty years ago now, when I was just 18 and then 20. It took two years the first time to get over that initial wracking painful grief of mum's death, and I was barely getting on with daily life again with any semblance of normality when my dad then died. Frankly my life has been blighted by their deaths (and some of the decisions I have and haven't made because I've been locked in a cycle of backwards looking thinking) and no, you never 'get over it', but you do learn to live with it. You have to, short of giving up entirely and topping yourself. The days do come when there are more good memories than painful ones, and then with a lot of time, when there are days with no thoughts of them at all. It's just the way life is, it protects us a little bit. I tend to ramble on these sorts of threads because grief and loss is so personal, as is the way we each deal with it. But my heart goes out to you and I hopr you find something useful from talking through on the thread x

Thanks Mega

I'm also finding the thread theraputic. In fact I was going through some old photos earlier today and was actually laughing out loud at how daft we all are as a family. It was lovely to see pictures of Mum & Dad together, and I like to think that they're together again now somewhere.

I would be interested in hearing how you get on with Cruise too if you decide to go. x

i've been wondering this too. my son died and i just know i will feel deeply sad in my soul for the rest of my life.
my guess is i'll just have to get used to feeling so sad, which is utterly depressing.

sending un MN like hugs, Megatron. I lost my Dad to cancer 3 and a half years ago. I am also a "coper" and also work with bereaved clients as a Probate Lawyer, so I honestly thought I would handle it.

I really really struggled, and ended up seeing my GP as I though I was having asthma attacks. Turned out it was panic attacks. She persuaded me to have counselling and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Too much to explain on an iPhone, but speak to your GP and see if you can get a referral. I am still sad, but so much stronger in myself.

I feel for you, the bit that got me from your post was when yuo said you were fine, looked fine and told everyone you were fine. I don't think you are. Once you start telling those close to you that you are not ok, things will begin to get better. Talk to someone about it and see how you feel

you're probably right barbie but I'm actually a bit worried about totally losing the plot if I do open up now and talk about it.

One of the scariest things about going for counselling is the fear that you will start crying and never stop but as much as that is understandable it doesn't actually happen .

Tbh I think whether it is talking to a proffesional or speaking to people on here who have gone through similar it will help you . Just having a space to voice how you are feeling without guilt will help .