in thinking I will never get over the death of my parents?

[Megatron]

First of all this is not a 'poor me, please feel sorry for me thread'. Honestly it's not but I am really beginning to wonder if I will ever get over their deaths.

I am 45, healthy, good marriage, fantastic kids, a job I really enjoy and financially OK (not flash, but OKish most of the time). My mum had a horrendous time with cancer and died almost two years ago in a horrible, horrible way that left me and my dad totally traumatised. My dad then died totally unexpectedly 6 months later. I was very close to both of them and I miss them so much it can be unbearable sometimes.

I 'look' fine, I tell everyone I'm fine, I don't think I'm depressed but I am really struggling with just not seeing them or talking to them. My mum used to drive me nuts with her ridiculous phone calls telling me a load of old tosh for an hour but God I would give anything for one of those calls now.

I don't spend my days sobbing, I have a good life with great friends etc. It's just, I dunno really, it sounds very childish but I just want them back. At the risk of sounding ridiculous I sometimes pretend to myself that they're on holiday and that's why I can't talk to them or see them.

Those of you who have been through this, does it get easier? Or am I just a saddo that needs to get a grip now?

So sorry for you OP.

I lost my dear dad 2 years ago. I miss him so much.

I hope you can enjoy your memories and dreams of your parents. I dream about my dad a lot. Mostly happy dreams. I still can't truly believe he's gone to be honest.

I know how hard this is,my dad died when I was 17,he went to work one day had a heart attack and was gone,it broke my heart as I was daddies little girl,sadly my mum died on the day my first son was due,she went to bed and never woke up.

It is very painful and I think about them everyday,but as time goes on the happy times come back to you and it is not quite so raw,my parents never met my children but sometimes I see my parents in my children and that is wonderful.

So sorry you are having a hard time.

Megatron, You sound very like me. Sometimes it is shitty being regarded as "a coper".

My dad died last September and my mam died in December. Only 3 months apart.

I was at the doctor yesterday as I have strep throat. All I wanted to do was ring my mam and dad and tell them how awful I feel.

I still have their numbers on my phone etc and as I have recently moved to England, I like to think that they are still ticking along at home. Sad but true.

Like you I am hoping it gets easlier.

My Mum died over 35 years ago, Dad 15 years ago, I still get upset about it and like you I now have great kids etc., life is good. After DDs were born I was getting flashbacks and all sorts so I knew I needed help and I had some bereavement counselling which helped, do consider it.

My DH has lst both of his parents and he occasionally says that he can tell if people havelost a parent / parents as soon as he meets them because there's an air of something he understands around them.

I don't think he will ever really get over losing them. Sometimes he will be watching our DC playband his eyes wll upband I know he is wishing his parents could have met their grandchildren.

OP - what you describe sounds very sad and yet very understandable and probably rather common.

Take care of yourself. Counselling may be helpful?

I'm so sorry for your loss

I think you're all right in saying that normal becomes a different kind of normal. I remember when ny grandpa died and ny mum just carried on as normal and I thought she was fine. Then I found her crying one night holding on to his hat, just so devastated. I was only 8 Then but the grief on her face really stayed with me. I think that's why I try to let ny kids think that everything is just fine.

I am sorry. It is very hard.

Do you have nice friends who have lost parents? A couple of months after my mother died I got drunk with a friend who had lost her father and let out all my feelings on her - it wasn't pretty but I was so grateful to her for just listening to me and offering more gin.

i lost my mum to cancer when i was 30 .

it was an awful experience, losing both parents so quickly must be terrrible, you have my sympathies.

Take strength from your friends. Talk about your parents. Remember them fondly, but let them "go". You will always have the happy memories but don't torture yourself and relive their deaths.

i thought at the time my mum died that life would never be fun again. I had intrusive thoughts which were unwelcome, fou,l but impossible to avoid. they did fade . life is now different, yes, and times like birthdays and (especially) the run up to christmas makes me feel like running away - you can't help but compare what's changed - but it does get easier to bear, after a few years.

But do talk with your friends and remaining family, it will help.

You will no doubt draw strength in your own life from the aspects of your parents you admired, and in this sense they will live on in you.

I lost my dad to lung cancer six months ago. He was a very good age (88) and had had a number of illnesses in recent years but it was still a terrific shock. He was only diagnosed one week before he died and his last week, in hospital was the most awful time imaginable. He was in terrible distress and I had to take my mum, who is crippled with arthritis to see him everyday and watch them holding hands, trying to be brave for each other and trying to come to terms with his grim diagnosis. They had been married for 67 years.

Like others have said, I'm sure I look like I've dealt with/am dealing with his death. But it really doesn't feel that way. I feel constant, low level anxiety which I can ignore through the day, but when I go to bed it all floods in and I rarely get much sleep. My mum is in very poor health and had to move as she couldn't manage in their house on her own. At 89, I don't suppose I will have her for much longer either. I feel like I am being cut adrift from my past and the people who made me feel totally loved and secure. I was heartbroken when their house was sold and I find myself regularly 'walking through it' in my mind and feeling upset when I can't remember what colour the curtains in a particular room were for example.

My dad was particularly proud of my children and one of them did something really good recently and my initial reaction was, 'must tell dad' and then all the pain of realising I couldn't came flooding back in.

I lost my Mum as a teenager and a couple of years ago my Dad and StepMum died within a year of each other.

It really does take a fair bit of time to get over it. I have a theory that when something so big happens you can only deal with a bit of it at a time so the feelings keep bubbling up every so often so you can process the next bit.

It will always be there but you gradually learn to accept it. My Mum died more than 20 years ago and recently I watched an adult daughter and her mum in a cafe talking and realised that I will never have an adult conversation with my mother and it did hurt.

Even though you are by instinct a "coper" I'm the same, I found giving myself permission to have a good wallow sometimes and just let the feelings come out was a good thing.

You might find this site useful too
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

You'll never get over it, you just learn to live with it. I lost my lovely mum 18 months ago but thankfully have my dad still. DH has lost both his parents....it's so shit :(. I think about mum all the time, to the outside world I am fine but inside I am sad........I cant ever see that changing to be honest.

Sorry for your loss, sorry for all our losses!

so many losses on this thread

we belong now to a club that no one wants to join, and one cannot leave

it does get, not better, but somehow easier. milestones loom large and over time pass with less anguish and pain, learning to smile and laugh, to get through occasions, all takes time

grief is not linear

my eyes are prickling for you all x

Mine too 5318

I lost my dad 24 years ago and I still don't think I am completely over it. I still bawl my eyes out when "dance with my father" appears on the radio. Sadly I lost my mum a year ago too. Not having any parents left is hard however old you are.
I do think it does get easier though. You can remember the good time with a smile.
Although, I am sure I will have a wobble when I give birth to my baby
Condolences to all.

Someone once said to me that when your parents die it leaves you at the top of the pile, the one in charge, the most grown-up grown-up. And that terrifies me. I don't feel grown-up enough to be in charge. Bugger me, I'm still scared of spiders! I do stupid things like sing to my dog and cats. And then there are all the memories that will be shared by fewer and fewer people Parents are your link to the past - yours and theirs.

mega - I feel for you so much Time is a total bitch.

So much sadness on here and so sorry op.

My dh lost both his parents a few years back now and we both still miss them like crazy.

My sil copes by doing the ougi board and Feels she can contact them and has taken great comfort from this.
We dont judge as have no religious or faith belives ourselves either way but it helps her.

I so feel for you and others on here and I guess it's something u don't get over but have to learn to live with.

Could you try to talk to a bereavement councellor, sure your doctor could recommend one.

I'm honestly genuinely touched by the comments on this thread and so sorry that so many of us have lost loved ones.

After my mum died my dad said he felt like the luckiest man in the world when he married her and now he felt like his heart was missing. I remember his friend telling him how lucky they had been to have been together for 53 years and I remember thinking what a bloody stupid thing to say to a grieving man but actually I think he was right. They were lucky to have had each other all that time.

Oh, reading this is so sad. My dad died nearly 20 years ago, my mam 6 years ago, DSis 3 years ago and DB died last year.

On the positive side my DCs are great, life isn't too bad at all but sometimes I feel so very jealous of people with their families around. Then I feel a bit shitty as I wouldn't wish bereavement on people but I do still feel jealous .

Personally I just think you learn to live with them gone. Life will get easier day-by-day but you will always have them there with you in your memories.

and to us all.

[swallows HARD]

that is beautiful, Mega

Betty 18 months really isn't long at all. We all deal with things in our own way and our own time. If it would help consider talking to a bereavement counsellor or someone where you don't have to put on a brave face.

In the meantime here are some unmumsnetty ((((hugs)))) for Megatron, Betty and anyone else grieving.

I'm sorry for your losses, Megatron.
What you have been through is traumatic and recent, and it will take time.
My mum died 12 years ago when I was in my late 30s and like your mum had cancer. She had been given the 'all clear' about three months before becoming terminally ill. So not only was there a huge sense of loss, but also a great deal of anger and frustration.
My Dad has just died. Just under two weeks ago. Strangely I have coped with this far better. I saw him not long before he passed away, and given his condition (Terminal lung cancer caused by excessive smoking in earlier years, lung disease, and pneumonia) it was a release from what would have been months of horror for all of us. I've found making arrangements for disposal of his estate and assets (and arranging cremation etc.) very theraputic. I realise this will sound crazy to many people, but it is my way of doing..

It does get easier with time but you never stop missing your parents. There is some very wise advice on this thread. Take your time, cry, laugh, and just be.

It may be beneficial to talk to a counsellor about your feelings, or just keep talking.

Am often on here if you want to vent/chat/rant.
xxxxx

You are not being unreasonable at all..........give yourself time. I lost my beloved Dad 5 years ago this new years eve. I was 45 and he was 66 and to see my lovely, strong, kind Pa suffer like he did (cancer also) was heartbreaking.For quite a while afterwards I was so angry with everything, it just seemed so unfair.I wanted to tell him things that were going on in our life then would remember that he wasn't there But time does help - of course I still think of him but not as often as I did and not with such sadness now, more of a fondness if that makes sense.It will get better.

I haven't read the whole thread as I feel a bit 'delicate' atm but I don't think anyone gets over a death of a parent - I think you adjust, death of a loved on tips your whole world upside down, stirs things up and then things settle down again and some days are easier than others.

I haven't lost a parent but last year was horrible and lost some very close relatives.

I am very sorry for your loss xxx

I lost my dad in my 20s and my mum in my 30s so that put me at the top of the pile of grown-up grown-ups before I was 40 which was very bizarre for me, and a very good way of putting it!

I did a bereavement course (work related) a little while ago and one thing that really stuck with me from it was a description of how although we never 'get over' the death of someone very close to us we can grow around it. That hole that the person dying leaves doesn't go away but we can grow our lives around it until it becomes a smaller part of ourselves as a whole.