in thinking I will never get over the death of my parents?

[Megatron]

First of all this is not a 'poor me, please feel sorry for me thread'. Honestly it's not but I am really beginning to wonder if I will ever get over their deaths.

I am 45, healthy, good marriage, fantastic kids, a job I really enjoy and financially OK (not flash, but OKish most of the time). My mum had a horrendous time with cancer and died almost two years ago in a horrible, horrible way that left me and my dad totally traumatised. My dad then died totally unexpectedly 6 months later. I was very close to both of them and I miss them so much it can be unbearable sometimes.

I 'look' fine, I tell everyone I'm fine, I don't think I'm depressed but I am really struggling with just not seeing them or talking to them. My mum used to drive me nuts with her ridiculous phone calls telling me a load of old tosh for an hour but God I would give anything for one of those calls now.

I don't spend my days sobbing, I have a good life with great friends etc. It's just, I dunno really, it sounds very childish but I just want them back. At the risk of sounding ridiculous I sometimes pretend to myself that they're on holiday and that's why I can't talk to them or see them.

Those of you who have been through this, does it get easier? Or am I just a saddo that needs to get a grip now?

So sorry to read this Megatron. IME yes it does get easier, but I'm not sure you 'get over' losing a parent. I think its probably a case of getting used to it, to a new kind of normal without them if you know what I mean (sorry, not explained it very well).

Life sort of goes on whilst accommodating a bloody big gap in it, and eventually the gap becomes less noticeable as you get used to it but it doesnt ever go away completely.

In terms of the way you lost your Mum, two years is no time at all really. But eventually the memories of that part of her life will hopefully diminish and the lovely memories will come to the fore (almost as if your brain rearranges the filing cabinet of your memories).

Dont expect too much of yourself will you x

Meg I really understand-it is 19 years since my mum died and the other day something happened and I thought for a second,'I'll just phone mum!'
Like you I used to be infuriated by phone calls [always at meal times] and I would give the world to hear her voice now xx

I have to say though travellingwilbury though I adored my parents beyond words, losing your child is not something any parent should have to endured and my heart goes out to you. The pain must be neverending.

As for being pissed off and grumpy? I've been horrible today because I know the anniversary of mum's death is coming up next week.

You won't "get over it" but it does get easier with time. I lost my Mum and Dad within a year of each other, 9 and 10 years ago now, and there are still times when I have a little sob ("I wish they could have seen that" or "I wish I could tell them that news" moments mainly to do with the children - they'd have been so proud of their grandchildren and it makes me sad my dc don't remember them). However, I think it does help to allow yourself to grieve properly. that will be different for different people, but I went to a group bereavement session each fortnight for several months and found it really helpful.
One girl (who had lost both her parents and didn't have any siblings or cousins even and was divorced, so felt very alone) came one night to tell us she was leaving the group. She said she'd had a 'lightbulb moment' in which she realised she'd been longing for 'life to go back to normal / as it had been' and then it occurred to her that actually it would never do that. Life would never be the same as it was before, but she could still enjoy living the next stage of her life. It would be different, but could still be good.
I've always remembered that as I thought it to be very astute.

my mum died a horrendous death from a malignant melanoma a year to the day after my dad died. I cant see me ever getting over it and not wanting to talk to her, it was 2 years ago but I think of her more now than ever. to be honest, i even sent text's to her for a while (mad I know) I think it would be sad if we didnt think about them, that would mean they didnt influence everyday things, and they did! I dont want to sound pity-seeking, but i think as time goes on i realise how much she was part of me. silly things catch me out, seeing someone in the same coat she wore, driving past her work and her not being at her window.. i will always miss her and never get over it, like your mum it wasnt a 'peaceful' death and she was petrified. I cudnt tell her to 'give in' as people told me to because although she was in great pain and distress she was still my mum and still there. No, you are not unreasonable, you are grieving in a healthy way. hurts thou! xx

For what it's worth I know (at nearly 40) that I would feel exactly the same way. Not a week goes by when I don't wonder what I'd do without my parents. I too have a wonderful DH, DD and friends, but I rely on my parents emotional support to a very large degree. I think, too, that it's very hard to find time for yourself to grieve when you have a busy family life. Two years is really not long, and you certainly don't sound ridiculous.

I'm not suggesting that people should automatically have therapy to get over what is a very natural process, but maybe you'd benefit from just a session or two to talk things over. With someone who you won't feel you're burdening - maybe think of it as 'me time', for you to process things a bit more. But I agree that it's not something you can force or necessarily will ever 'get over' (and probably nor would you want to).

I know what you mean about being 'old', though. I used to think the same.

I am sorry for your losses, so sad. I recommend Cruse - my lady was wonderful and it genuinely changed my
Life. They will help whenever the bereavement was - even many years ago. Lots to say but stupid phone so will find this thread tomorrow when at pc. Lots
Of hugs to OP and others x

My father died 7 years ago yesterday so I can imagine what you are going through. It has been only relatively recently that I have come to accept it, but I think of him everyday. He died of a heart attack but had Parkinsons and had struggled with it for many years which was a terrible sight to witness. Life just seems so unfair when kind and decent people suffer.
I think perhaps over time, you appreciate the upbringing they gave you and their kindness and principles and realise you are so much like them, that they are still with you, a little bit, which helps.

Megatron it will get easier for you. Seeing your parents pass under those circumstances is unbearable. It has only been two years so it is bound to feel very raw and you are bound to miss them immensely.
I lost my father when I was very young and I lost my mum at 25 under the same circumstances as you so I know exactly what you're going through.

I'm beginning to feel a bit more normal now, hearing what others have to say. I actually sent my Dad a text the other day. I knew it wouldn't get there, I knew he wasn't there but it made me feel better sending it.

I did think of counselling but apparently I'm a 'coper', at least that's what everyone tells me!

I'm sorry for your loss.

People talk of 'getting over' a death, when the truth is you never ever do. There never comes a point when you say, well, this person I love died, but I'm over it. I think that normally only people who've never lost anyone really close think that you 'get over it'

What happens is that you learn to live with it. It becomes part of you and you function with it. That process takes time.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your kindness. And sorry if I've brought the mood down.

My Dad died 18 months ago, and I feel awful. I'm a "coper" too. But ended up in floods of tears at the Doctor's the other week (there on unrelated stuff). And the Dr talked about counselling, and said that I'm too young to feel like this for the rest of my life. And how would it make my father feel to see me like this.

And that made me think that yes, I probably do need to talk to someone.

So, you're not alone [emphathy emoticon]. Life is just shit and cruel. We create these lovely happy bubbles for our children, but the reality is nasty brutish and short (ha!).

Hope you speak to your GP / find someone to talk to.

megatron I am also a "coper" whatever the buggery that means but honestly , I have had 3 lots of counselling since he died over the years and it really has helped me . Just having the space to be able to talk about the stuff that keeps me awake at night , to say things without feeling guilty about the other person crying , to talk through the traumatic bits that no matter how much people love me they don't need the pictures in their head .

An anniversary is always a grim time , in my experience the build up to the day is always much worse than the day itself , be kind to yourself , do whatever you need to do to get throughand one day you will smile at the memories without tears .

I know my grief is different to yours but grief is shit and the worst we have been through is the worst emotion whoever it is .

I lost my mum over 10 years ago , from cancer so not unexpected .
I think of her every day , and could still cry over some stupid , unexpected thing that gives me a memory jolt .
It does get easier , I don't think you ever " get over it " but you have to live with it .
I just try to remember the happy times , have her photo around , think of her and try to be happy .
My mum said , when she knew she had no hope of recovery , that she was lucky , we all were lucky that we had been a happy family , there had been no big family falling out , so I try to remember that . even though I've got tears in my eyes now

We were lucky too. I hate that mum had a few months knowing she was going to die and 'sorting things out'. And I know she was scared and you don't want your parents to be scared do you. But you're right, it IS lucky to have a great family and not have major drama or fall outs.

After my sister died, a neighbour whose daughter had died a few years earlier said to my parents that the hole left never gets any smaller, but you learn to live around it better.

Sooooo not a saddo babe....
Like everyone said... 2 years is not a long time - in terms of not just one, but two bereavements... your lovely mum and dad.
Please don't beat yourself up lovely.....xxxx

I loss my mother when I was 6yrs old, my father when I was 11 yrs old and my adoptive dad 5 years ago, at the end of this month.

I secondary loss (in my case, my adoptive dad) can bring back the primary loss (my mother and father) - and 5 years ago, I felt like I'd loss them all over again.

You mentioned being crabby today, as the anniversary is looming. I can really relate with that.... The build up to my adoptive dad's anniversary (28 April) - is reeeeeally difficult, and I'm irrational.. tearful for no sane reason... and generally moody! Even 5 years on! But... when the 28 April finally comes.... I have a lovely day...thinking of my lovely Dad and how much I loved him.. and what we did together. And the day passes, smoothly.

The first year, is a blur to be honest. I found it really hard to get up at the weekends (I had a 2 yr old then) Sunday's were the worse. I just couldn't get out of bed.. I did obviously, but I struggled when we weren't busy and were quiet.

The second year was the worse ever.... like someone else said earlier, people are getting on with their lives, and aren't 'checking up on you'... and it's so awful.

But, the third year got easier... and so did the fourth.

I often walk around town, with my baby boy in the buggy... and see a handsome 'silver fox' (a man with white hair!) and I nearly fall over myself, thinking it's my lovely Dad. And, it's not......... OMG, what I would give to 'bump' into my Dad now.

But, that's my little irrational moment... I have a great life, a great husband, and three wonderful babies.. and we are all healthy. My Dad was 72 years old and had a truly fab life... bursting at the seems with love and laughter! And, you said earlier... you think of your Dad in the garden and Mum dancing around the kitchen! Such, wonderful, wonderful pictures/memories of your lovely parents. Focus on that... think of them like that... and not how they left this earth.

My Dad died, slowly in my arms.. in pain. I could never get his last moments out of my daytime thoughts... I wanted to sleep all day... to block out those images.

But, it took me just about 2 and a half years.. to think of those images and accept them... and to feel that.... it was a release... and the most amazing honour.. to be there for him... and to be that person who witnessed his last breath. And, I hope that someone will be with me.. holding me when it's my turn.

Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Stop beating yourself up.

I don't think that thinking of them on holiday is silly at all...and I think it's a lovely way to think of them. Take your time.... they were your parents... this is your grief.... Take care...xx

My DH lost both of his parents a few years ago and always tells people who are bereaved that in time things do become normal again, just a different kind of normal.

Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

Silver lace ..that's it exactly . A different kind of normal .
You don't completely get over it , how could you ?
You have to move on and get back to normal , it's just not the normal it was before,
Remember them with love and happiness , that's their legacy .

My parents died in my early 20s. Dad had an awful cancer death and I declined treatment on my semi-unconscious mum's behalf for an acute condition. I have no siblings.
I'm 32 now and have a lovely partner and DD. My partner's family, on the whole, make me very welcome. I'm a sahm and life is fine.
Except the yearning has never gone away. I get very anxious about ensuring that DD and DP are ok. I have a lot of anxiety issues which flare up around anniversaries and times when im feeling out of control. I'm pretty sure all this will never go away. The complex feelings over mum's death in particular are very difficult. I find that its cyclical - I can be fine, but everything builds up and then I'm mad as a box of frogs for a few days until I've got it out of my system.
Losing both parents changes you fundamentally as a person. There's no safety net any more, you're out there completely alone. On the flip side I've found it very freeing as well because I no longer have to meet their expectations.
Another thing I've found is that there isnt really any acknowledgment of this loss - as over 18s we are expected to just suck it up. There are no support groups and people don't really know how to handle it - people can act very awkwardly when it comes up in casual conversation that my parents are dead. Sometimes I really want to be able to mention them without feeling really embarrassed!

OP, I am very, very sorry for your sad losses. What terrible things to deal with in such a short time.

Sunday is the 20 year anniversary of my mother's death. I was 18 when she died at the age of 42, having battled rheumatoid arthritis since the age of 16. I still miss her and it still hurts, and it has got somewhat worse since I had children, as she has never seen them and they have no grandmother on my side.

This is not to say there is no hope though. As other people have said above, you don't "get over it" but you learn to live with it and the memories and thoughts of them become less painful and more positive. Most times I think of my mother, it's to laugh and remember her with love and fondness.

Grief is a journey and a process, and a very individual one. People all grieve in different ways and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Cry if you want to. Don't cry if you don't want to. It's whatever is best for you.

Personally, I tried to find help as I didn't think I would cope, especially as 6 months later, I left home and went to Uni! I saw a counsellor at Uni, not a specialist bereavement counsellor although that sounds an excellent idea. I also wrote a letter to Cruse, which was therapeutic in itself, and they sent me lots of useful literature.

You sound like you're doing well, keep on keeping on! lots of love xxx

I lost my xDH 3 and a bit months a go and totally understand what you mean by missing them both so much.

I have sent texts to him, I have phoned his mobile number knowing that he won't pick up but, just pretending for a few seconds, that he will. I speak to the stars every night as if I was talking to him. I miss his presence, his voice, his smell, everything.

I am about the same age as you and after going through this I am dreading knowing I will have to at some (please dear god), distant point in the future edal with it again with my mom and dad.

I really feel for you. Have you tried counselling? On the advice of others on here, I am having sessions and it helps deal with the loss.

Be good to yourself

xxx

Oh megatron So sorry.

I still have my parents but they are old and frail. I dread losing them. FIL died 16 yrs ago when DS1 was on the way. I think it took DH 5 yrs to start thinking of him with affection tinged with sadness instead of a raging pain and loss.