to think jailbird dp is bein selfish

[sickofshittynappies]

my dp is in prison and for the past week has been doin my head right in maybe im just frustrated at the situation or is he just bein selfish? all he does is moan that hes stressed and that he needs money or new clothes etc etc ive explained to him that dts also needs all this stuff and i cant do it all they have to come first he then trys to guilt me into giving into him by saying i would be there for him and help him when he needs it and if i loved him i would aibu or is there any women that would do this for their dp in this situation?

and please ladies i dont really need a bashing tonight i know hes a plank but hes my plank nd i love him.

If he has already been in for a while, isn't going to be out for another couple of months and is going to be under Probation Service supervision on release then it sounds like a minimum sentence of 12 months, serving six.

OP, if that is correct then it s not by any stretch of the imagination a typical sentence for a first offence or for a "borderline" PWI case. I'm ex-CPS and we would have had a party if we could have secured convictions like that for small-scale drugs cases. That sort of sentence only comes with serious dealing.

There's either something the OP isn't telling us, or something the plank isn't telling her.

OP, it might be worth taking some of this time before release do to some research into addiction, its effect on families and especially on children and make an informed decision about whether you're prepared to put yourself and your children through what it will take to get him clean - assuming he WANTS to get clean. All that posturing about clothes (assuming that is genuine and not just a ruse to get drug money) sounds like the shallow, style-over-substance (no pun intended), keeping-up-appearances bull$hit so prevalent amongst drug dealers. And please remember OP - you have a choice whether you stand by him. You're children don't.

(I wish I had a pound for every misguided, starry-eyed, brainwashed, naive or just plain scared woman I met in my 10 years with the CPS who used "but I luurrrrve him" to excuse living a life of hardship, having every scrap of self-esteem squeezed out of them, dragging up children in conditions not fit for a dog, putting up with abuse of one form or another. The sensible ones got out. The silly ones often ended up using themselves to blot out the shithole their life had become. The really stupid ones ended up on a slab.)

Your children. Sigh.

If my dh chose drugs over his family then he would not see us again. For a serious crime which resulted in a several month stay at HMP, then he could go while for anything. He is in looser-ville and would want more for my kids.

OP - did you go to court with him? Did you hear what the charges for which he was found guilty for were? You don't go to prison as others have said for handling g personal drugs for you and a mate. There is more than the op or DH is letting on.

No. I would not be giving in to him.

Nor would I be there when he got out, but it sounds like you've made a different choice,and I genuinely hope that that works out for you. I truly hope that he uses this experience to turn his life around and that if he chooses not to - you don't stick around to be part of that life.

But my attitude would be you committed a crime, you take the consequences, you do NOT expect me to have my children go without so I can send you stuff.

OP, well done for sticking with him, you re giving him the best chance of making a go of it when he gets out by being there for him

The country seem to be doing there bit too, by punishing him or his crime, giving drugs counselling inside and when he gets out.

Sadly though you and your kids are paying the highest price and you haven't broken the law. Do you get any support?

As others have said, you don't need to send any more money, he shouldn't be asking. Be firm and tell him to talk to a mentor or supporter in the prison if he complains. You are doing your share, he needs to accept there is a limit.

The situation wouldn't arise for me as he'd have been out of my and my children's lives the moment I discovered he was using or dealing. WRT you, OP, maybe this article in today's news might give you something to think about.

fireandashes exactly what I said upthread.

op is either very naive or lying. A custodial sentence for "a bit of coke for him and his mate"? If only!

Ah, just read back. It's the "first time he's been in prison", so my guess definitely not first offence.

op how many times has he been in trouble with the law? Just out of interest.

NOT judging by the way, I know how easy it is to be sucked in by a man.

It's just obvious to most of us I think that there is a lot more going on than a small time coke habit.

If you genuinely want help and advice it will be here, but you need to be completely honest.

If, as you say, you just wanted to know if you should give him money then no you shouldn't. Everyone is in agreement on that.

OP I used to work in a prison. Best education of my life.

He can earn money in there. If he gets a cleaning job, or goes to the education centre he'll get a nominal amount for every morning or afternoon he's active. I'd contact the prison to ask what you're allowed to send in and how it should be sent. They have to open everything to check that drugs and weapons aren't being smuggled in.

Stick to your guns OP. Children's needs come first.

He will need a lot of support when he gets out. If at all possible go to any appointments with him, to check that he goes and to give him moral support. The reason lots of reoffending happens is that they get no support on the outside and crime pays. He should take full advantage of whatever training is available on the inside in order to strengthen his chances on the outside.

no its not his first offence but his first prison sentence he was in alot of trouble with police when he was younger and twice since we have been together.

i can assure u fireandashes i am neither scared nor brainwased by my partner i have my own mind i also do the best i can for my children i work hard so they want for nothing so what makes you believe that they are being dragged up because their dad is in prison?

If he really loved you and the kids, he would put the kids first.

OP, I didn't say yours were being dragged up. But I saw plenty of children who were, by women who used some variation of "I know he's a plank/knob/dickhead/junkie/wife-batterer [delete as applicable] but he's my [insert as appropriate] and I love him". It makes my heart sink to hear it, knowing where it can lead.

But I sincerely wish you and your children luck and strength - you will need both to avoid being dragged down by him, unless he is 100% committed to changing his ways.

I think you need also to think about whats best for your children too - I don't mean material possessions but more mentally. What sort of example is he with a drug habbit and a jail sentence. By all means give him a second chance, but expect hard work and putting his family first when he gets out. Anything less then you shouldn't be with him.

I would ditch him!

i think you should have made that clear in the first place instead of making assumtions and genralising that all men/women who have partners in prison are in effect the same.

i have made it very clear to him that he will not be coming out to live with me or our children until i can be sure that he can be trusted again i will however support him in getting help with his addiction and if anyone thinks i am being naieve then maybe i am but that is what you do when your in a relationship.

Not read whole thread.

There is something wrong with the prison system if you have a mobile phone and designer gear on while you're in there!

Sorry, just caught the bit about phone credit being for pay phones.

Still, designer gear in prison?

I think whether he is in prison or not I would still sort out, financially, in order of priority:

My children
Food (because otherwise we die)
My accommodation (because is keeps us safe and dry)
Me (because on me all else depends)
Him

As it is, the last time any of my money got as far down the list as to reach me was in a time so distant I can't even remember, and our house has a regular steady income.

So I would personally tell him that and if he still couldn't accept it, I would do a quick break down of what money was available and where it was going and that would clearly show he wasn't being deprived (or no more than me anyway).

that would be the end of the matter for me.

HTH

This is my first post on this thread. Have you thought about trying to find an onliine forum for the families of prisoners? You might get a little less vitriol from people who understand your position and can advise you without negative bias.

I looked one up for you.

www.prisontalk.com/

As to your original question. Is there anyone else he contact to help him get more clothing? fruends? Family?

Oh sweetheart...

If it was my partner, hell would freeze over, before I bought him designer clothing for prisonwear. I have two gorgeous twin boys too, so any money left-over at the end of the week would be spent on getting a babysitter for a couple of hours!

His prison-term must really be taking its toll on you. Because of his idiocy, you've been left to be a single parent, practically.

Don't indulge his WANTS, over the family's NEEDS.

Besides, it's not in your family's interest to make prison nicer for him! When he comes out, he needs to stay out!

OP - when this plank comes out you will be using condoms won't you? You realise you can't trust him don't you? Whatever else you risk, don't risk your health.

op I don't for a second doubt that you love and take care of your children.

But, how many chances are you going to give him? It may be his first prison stay but that's not the point. How many times does he need to be arrested before you say enough is enough.

Of course he loves his children but unfortunately he isn't a good role-model for them.

Rather than give him one more chance, why not make the break. You've managed without him whilst he's been away so take that strength and use it to carry you and your children forward.

If he comes out, makes a clean break from all his old friends/habits, works hard and proves himself as a good father without the incentive of "getting you back" then you can make an informed decision as to whether you want to give things another try.

You may want to or you may decide that you're happier without him. Either way it will be an informed decision not what you feel you should do.

Regardless of how much you love him you don't owe him any loyalty. He gave up his right to that when he continued to break the law.

As I said I am in no place to judge but please perpetuate your own childhood. Stand up for your children now so they don't have to go through what you did. You can break the cycle.

If you genuinely think he can then yes, give him the chance to change. But don't allow him back into your lives until he does.

well he lost any rights the minute he committed his crime, his children comes first, he should have thought about it before he committed his crimes. YANBU.

and sorry you're in this situation OP.

• please don't perpetuate your own childhood.

op - i work in a prison and have done for 10 years so can tell you the following:

• he has a comfortable pad - prob has sky TV

- they are fed 3 good meals a day

• they have access to a gym EVERYDAY (!)
• They have access to education to earn qualifications most people have to pay for
• they can earn money through working in workshops and attending education
• if on detox or healthcare or even unemployed/retired they get a basic pay allowance!
• they can take a certain amount of money from their private cash (how much they can use depends on their level (linked to behaviour) in prison. Thus even if you send him £50, the prison may only let him draw say £15 if on a lower level.
• there is a limit to how much credit they can have on phone credit
• they are only allowed to order clothes from a prison catalogue which takes ages to deliver as any orders have to go through security
• they are also only allowed so many of each item e.g two jumpers, 3 trousers etc so even if he gets a new one, he would have to trade for an older one. With a couple of months left, its hardly worth it.

In my experience they don't need money as most things are provided- many prisoners have no families at all and so volunteer for paid jobs - i'm not suggesting your dp is lazy etc or anything but again ime many of those relying heavily on families do so because they want to sit in their pad all day or hand around on the wing.

He may need cash to 'trade' within the prison - e.g he may buy food/ toiletries etc on his canteen to trade for cigarettes and drugs. Drugs are rife in all prisons esp canabis and alcohol.

Seriously, he doesn't need any cash - wanting it to make his life more comfortable is not the same as needing it.