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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think jailbird dp is bein selfish

167 replies

sickofshittynappies · 16/04/2012 22:57

my dp is in prison and for the past week has been doin my head right in maybe im just frustrated at the situation or is he just bein selfish? all he does is moan that hes stressed and that he needs money or new clothes etc etc ive explained to him that dts also needs all this stuff and i cant do it all they have to come first he then trys to guilt me into giving into him by saying i would be there for him and help him when he needs it and if i loved him i would aibu or is there any women that would do this for their dp in this situation?

and please ladies i dont really need a bashing tonight i know hes a plank but hes my plank nd i love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
sickofshittynappies · 16/04/2012 23:50

i was't considering sending him anything else was just curious as to how many women would and please don't feel sorry for my children they are healthy happy litte boys with parents who love them very much

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/04/2012 23:50

Very much doubt anyone with a clean record would be jailed for having a bit of coke on them. If that were the case then the jails would be overflowing with 20-30yr olds.

OP seems very vague about her boyfriends crime... Biscuit

OhdearNigel · 16/04/2012 23:53

Well, giving it to his mate is "supply" for the purposes of the legislation but usually the charging standards that CPS apply require the offender to have been found in possession of a reasonably substantial amount of the drug as it is harder to prove PWI unless you have associated paraphenalia (scales, deal bags, customer lists). A regular drug user can claim quite a lot to be for personal use and CPS will just charge simple possession as it's easier to prove

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 16/04/2012 23:54

Regardless of his crime, the prison is the punishment and the oP should be thinking abouit what he will do when he gets out, because that's where she'll take over.

Sorry that chances of him are going back in are rather high.

And no, I wouldn't be buying him clothes.

DionFortune · 16/04/2012 23:55

So, he would rather your child went without, to fund whatever he is funding by you giving him money while he is in prison? Oh dear. Sad
And you're with him why again? He sounds like a real catch...

And YANBU, yes, he is being very selfish.

Original poster
sickofshittynappies · 16/04/2012 23:56

not being vague at all squeaky i have already said what he is in prison for so i dont know what you mean by that.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 16/04/2012 23:57

I'm sure you love and care for your children very much but your partner doesn't.

Anyone fuckwitted enough to get sent to jail doesn't care about those they leave behind. Where's your anger?

He has LEFT you to do everything for your children!! Months and months of you doing everything.

I'm sure you're amazing, it's bloody tough being a single parent. Just dont kid yourself about him - he has left his family and you are doing all the work.

Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2012 00:00

OP- it doesn't really matter if other women would go out of their way, get into debt etc, to give to partners in prison.

I have a few friends whose partners have done time, some for 'intent to supply' and similar offences, mainly Cocaine, lets face it, the use of this drug is rife, across all sections of society.

I have one friend whose partner will do a minium of 22 years (to harsh in all our opinions). She has struggled to give him things, but then she had a good lifestyle (materialistic) whilst with him.

It is where you all go from here and what changes are made, that matters.

OhdearNigel · 17/04/2012 00:00

I'm not sure that the OP asked for or required a critique of her life choices.

Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2012 00:03

I'm sure you love and care for your children very much but your partner doesn't

Tbf, we don't know enough about the DP, to make that statement, people do stupid things and some carry jail sentences.

he is being very selfish

Prison can make you like that, you get caught up in life in there, forgetting what life is like for those on the outside.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/04/2012 00:07

True Birds, people do stupid things - but we all know what the consequences of our crimes are.

It's not like people don't know that dealing drugs carries custodial consequences if caught Grin

Original poster
sickofshittynappies · 17/04/2012 00:07

@laurie ive done anger ive done hate but it does'nt help my situation i just do what i have to do for me and my children like im sure many mums out there do and like i said im not condoning what he did but before all this he had a job not a great one and looked after us the best he could yes he was and is very stupid for getting involved indrugs and i hope that he can try and sort himself out and to say he does'nt care about us is a bit unfair but that is your opinion

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 17/04/2012 00:08

Just because this man was stupid with drugs, it doesn't mean he is a crap dp or a crap father.

He made a mistake and hope he learns from this

Fecklessdizzy · 17/04/2012 00:09

Fair comment Nigel.

So, no ... I wouldn't give him clothes or money, and I wouldn't feel guilty about not doing so either. He's made his choices so now you have to look after yourself and your children.

Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2012 00:10

I have seen drug use build up and lead to supplying without the person realising.

It goes from using, to buying quantity to get it cheaper and save you the hassle (and risk) from needing to 'make the phone calls' and get drop offs, on a night out.

Or so you've got enough to see you through a night shift (speed).

Before you klnow it others are chipping in and you are 'supplying'.

I have seen this in all professions, unbelievable, but it happens.

Original poster
sickofshittynappies · 17/04/2012 00:10

no nigel i didnt thanx but thats what happens when u post on here ay Smile

OP posts:
nailak · 17/04/2012 00:14

If the dp bought one gram of coke and was intending to give ha
F to his mate it is possession with intent to supply.

FoxyRoxy · 17/04/2012 00:14

No, I wouldn't reward him for being in prison by sending him more money than he needs to contact you. Has he a job inside? To pay for incidentals?

Taking money that is meant for 2 small and blameless children and giving it to a man that is in prison because he's committed a crime isn't the right thing to do.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/04/2012 00:14

You're right, it is just my opinion Smile and I am very biased.

Being the product of a criminal and growing up with a jailed father for 5 years is horrible and caused me endless problems growing up.

I believe he knew he was committing crime and was so arrogant he thought the police were too stupid to catch him. Either way I view it as a selfish act.

You're first question is about whether he is being selfish in asking for money for clothes and I'm assuming he is already a selfish parent by competing crimes and choosing to leave his children and all of the work to you.

I wish you a lot of luck.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/04/2012 00:16

Bloody phone - committing crimes not competing.

OhdearNigel · 17/04/2012 00:17

If the dp bought one gram of coke and was intending to give ha
F to his mate it is possession with intent to supply.

Technically yes but it would never see the inside of a courtroom

Original poster
sickofshittynappies · 17/04/2012 00:19

laurie i do understand my dad was in and out of prison my whole life and i never wanted that for myself or my kids and like i said he has one chance and one chance only.

OP posts:
Original poster
sickofshittynappies · 17/04/2012 00:21

might sound like a dope but how much is a gram? @nigel in the way it is wrapped up

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2012 00:23

Op- have you made that clear to him?

Is he addicted (even psychologically)? Have you both got a plan of action, when he is released?

That is what you need to think about.

FoxyRoxy · 17/04/2012 00:25

OP a gram would come in a small paper wrap or baggie. Measure out a gram of sugar or flour on your kitchen scales, it's a tiny amount and would cost around £40-£50.