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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In bloody tears because of SIL.

122 replies

SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 20:01

I have been selling some of my unwanted baby stuff as it's cluttering the house and tonight DP has had a phone call from his sister demanding everything she has bought my DS back as "she's not paying good money for it to be sold", none of the things she has given us has been put up for sale, she didn't even ask if it was the same items and after DP told her this she still went on a rant (I could hear her on the phone from the other side of the room).
At the end of the call she had the cheek to ask when she could take my DS. Angry
I am fuming, I have had to put up with her erratic moods for years and have just ignored it, even when she was in my house about 3 days after DS was born and went into a mood because other people were holding him (her parents).

I am fed up with it and have boxed everything up that she has given us and phoned her parents house (she lives there) to say it can be picked up whenever she wants.

I don't want to feel that I owe anyone anything, I also don't want her to see DS anymore.

To make things worse I am meant to be her bridesmaid in a matter of weeks but I will be giving her the dress with the things she gave DS.

AIBU and acting over the top because I'm upset?

OP posts:
Frontpaw · 16/04/2012 20:07

Deep breath...

Don't return ther dress - it will just whip up an almighty shit storm and make things a million times worse.

I would probably send her things back. What exactly does she think she'll do with them? Has she got children or planning them soon?

I would have a word when calmed down, or get your DH to do it - you will know who is the best be to tackle it. Tell her that you within your rights to sell unneeded stuff if you wish, loads of people do, but you can't just ask for a gift back. Unless it was a loan!

I would be seriously peed off too and probably rant for days! However, if she is moody and difficult, you won't change her. Make allowances, expect bad behaviour but don't let it upset you. Choose to be amused by it.

DeathCab · 16/04/2012 20:07

YANBU, i'd do exactly the same thing! Whether that makes me unreasonable, i dont know!!

Chin up :)

MrsKittyFane · 16/04/2012 20:09

Let her collect it, say no more about it but remember not to accept 'gifts' of handmedowns from her again.

snowbellblues · 16/04/2012 20:09

She sounds like a spoiled girl. I can understand that you would be upset at her acting this way but I would not pack up her gifts to the baby and send them back. It is very hard to do but each time she behaves like this I would actually speak to her yourself and calm her down.

McSnail · 16/04/2012 20:11

I think you're upset and reacting in a way many people would, but like Frontpaw, I would advise on just sleeping on it before going off on one. Rise above it? Is she always difficult? For some people, it's just a way of life. Seems a bit harsh not to want her to see your son over this...

thisisyesterday · 16/04/2012 20:12

i'd do the same too! but i'm not the most rational person when pissed off.

i wouldn't wait for her to pick it up, if they live locally. I'd drop it round with a note saiyng "i had no intention of selling any of these things, but as you want them back, you can have them. please don't ever buy anything for DS again"

BellaCB · 16/04/2012 20:13

Hmmm... I think you might be being a little U, though I can understand why. Some people are quite precious about money and gifts and, while I don't agree with it personally, they can dislike the idea of gifts being given away (though what else are you supposed to do with baby stuff that's been grown out of?!). I don't blame you for giving her all her presents back, it's a little passive-aggressive but it's the kind of move I like Grin.

However, the whole not-being-the-bridesmaid thing, that seems a bit OTT. Is there something else she has done that has upset you or is it purely because of this that you no longer want to be a bridesmaid? At this late stage and with all the money that as probably been spent and all the plans that have been made it seems a bit unfair to pull out so late in the day. How does your DP feel about you no longer being bridesmaid? Would this mean you couldn't go to the wedding? And do you really want DS to have nothing to do with his aunt over this? (I'm talking as someone who has big issues in her family between DB & DSiL, its been a struggle not to let those issues affect relationships with DNs).

You have every right to be upset because she is being petty but unless there is something else going on, do you really feel this is enough to possibly warrant a bit of a rift?

Hassled · 16/04/2012 20:14

Sleep on it. Yes, she sounds bloody hard work but she won't stop being your SIL - is the fall-out of you sending the bridesmaid's dress back really really worth it?

BonnieBumble · 16/04/2012 20:16

Is it handmedowns that she wants back or gifts that she bought ds? She can't expect you to keep gifts that ds has outgrown, surely? You would need a mansion to house everything!

carabos · 16/04/2012 20:20

Sometimes a bit of grandstanding is needed when your voice isn't bring heard. Go for it, but be prepared for the fallout and work out your longer term position.

snowbellblues · 16/04/2012 20:20

I agree with McSnail "Rise above it? Is she always difficult? For some people, it's just a way of life" It is hard to do but lookin forward over all the years your son would miss out on his aunts obvious love and care.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 20:24

They weren't hand me downs they were xmas gifts. :-( She has no children yet and not planning them soon either.
You're probably right, I should calm down and deal with her when I am not as angry.
Yes she really normally is this difficult. She has said some awful things to dp over the years even to the point of calling him a freak over something said when he was very depressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 20:26

Sorry if my messages are short just now DS is tired and irritable and the bloody iPad thing is playing up.

OP posts:
Frontpaw · 16/04/2012 20:27

She sounds lovely. I look forward to your posts after the wedding. I am sure there will be some tales to tell!

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 20:28

Thing is sometimes she can be really nice but other times she goes nuts over nothing...

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 16/04/2012 20:29

I too would do what thisisyesterday said, but I flare up in anger and tend to do things that could be termed 'shooting myself in the foot'. It would be a shame for your DS to lose out on all contact with a member of his family over this. She does sound like a moody cow, but is she always? Is she stressed about the wedding and taking it out on you? And are you likely to incur the wrath of the whole family if you resign as bridesmaid?

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 20:30

FrontPaw- Oh I'm sure there will be, this isn't the first thread about her and I'm sure it wont be the last...

OP posts:
CaptainVonTrapp · 16/04/2012 20:30

What was she expecting?! You to keep every outgrown xmas gift forever!!

smoggii · 16/04/2012 20:31

No, YANBU your SIL is being a dick. When you give a gift it belongs to the person you gave it to and they can do with it what they choose. If you want to sell it to make space and buy new things for your DCs good for you.

But i would handle it differently.

I don't think I would want to be BM either but i probably still would to prevent a massive family rift but neither would i give her anything back, she gave it to you and your family so it's your to do with as you please. Tell her as such and if she still kicks off ask for the (for example) New Look vouchers you gave her in 2006 because the dress she bought was hideous and you don't think she should wear it... or the HMV vouchers you gave her in 2008 because the Black Eyed Peas are shit and you don't want her to listen to them etc

surroundedbyblondes · 16/04/2012 20:32

Oh, she sounds very childish and spoilt. Try and be the bigger person if you can, though I totally understand why you are pissed off with her attitude. It does seem like she really has no idea of how things work in the grown-up world.

Agree that the fall out over refusing to be a bridesmaid could be huge. If you can just suck it up, then do so for the sake of family harmony and DS' relationship with a caring auntie.

Then come on here and rant about her and we will all agree that you are right and she is wrong.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 20:33

Picnic- She is mostly always like this and I'm not sure about the bridesmaid thing. A few weeks ago she took a hissy fit and decided she didn't want me to be her bridesmaid anymore, then phoned her Mum up half an hour later when she was with us asking if it meant I wasn't going to let her see DS anymore, I said I wouldn't do that but I'm starting to suspect me saying this now makes her think she can walk all over me.

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 16/04/2012 20:34

omw. Does she seriously expect you to keep everything you've been given for your child. Is she buying you a house with an extra couple of bedrooms ?

Give the stuff back to her, including her bridesmaid's dress and tell her you look forward to her keeping everything she is ever given for her first child. She sounds like a total loon

diddl · 16/04/2012 20:35

I couldn´t be bridesmaid for someone who treated me like that tbh.

pumpkinsweetie · 16/04/2012 20:35

YANBU-she gave you gifts-gifts are meant to be kept or whatever else you want to do with them.
She sounds spoilt & very strange!

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 20:37

The items she is talking about is a couple of bottles and a playmat.

OP posts:
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