In bloody tears because of SIL.

[SchrodingersMew]

I have been selling some of my unwanted baby stuff as it's cluttering the house and tonight DP has had a phone call from his sister demanding everything she has bought my DS back as "she's not paying good money for it to be sold", none of the things she has given us has been put up for sale, she didn't even ask if it was the same items and after DP told her this she still went on a rant (I could hear her on the phone from the other side of the room).
At the end of the call she had the cheek to ask when she could take my DS.
I am fuming, I have had to put up with her erratic moods for years and have just ignored it, even when she was in my house about 3 days after DS was born and went into a mood because other people were holding him (her parents).

I am fed up with it and have boxed everything up that she has given us and phoned her parents house (she lives there) to say it can be picked up whenever she wants.

I don't want to feel that I owe anyone anything, I also don't want her to see DS anymore.

To make things worse I am meant to be her bridesmaid in a matter of weeks but I will be giving her the dress with the things she gave DS.

AIBU and acting over the top because I'm upset?

She really isn't contributing much to your life is she?!

Mine is similar so I just treat her politely and am friendly when she isn't too moody to talk but I never make any concessions, do any favours or give a shit really. If I think of her as an emotionally stunted 13 year old ruined by parents who pretend she is a perfect princess she makes more sense. Sometimes I even feel sorry for her.

Her inlaws are the biggest victims of her silent feuds, shouty huffs and sudden removal of the children. They keep trying to make it better but don't get that it is her who is broken, they will never be able to compensate. I would imagine it is the same for you.

Are you not tempted to get really drunk at the wedding and make a dash round the floor at first dance time, well if you are going to get sacked it may as well be for something fun:)

I have given my sil quite a nice pram, lots of nearly new baby clothes, a carseat , a moses basket & brand new gifts for her baby but when i gave them i didnt and would never expect them back and if she wanted to sell them that is fine with me as they were GIFTS.
Cannot believe people like your sil exist, what a truely awful human being.
I have issues with some of my ILs, some of them are toxic but your sil is the worst of the worst.
I would pack all YOUR gifts up with the bridesmaids dress and leave it outside her front door because she has treated you apallingly and i wouldnt want to be her bridesmaid if i were u.
Family is family, you give gifts no way should she expect them back what a loony.
See the rest of your ILs just dont bother with her
S

"but they have been told they will have to within the year."

Well depending on her husband, wonder if that will happen??!!

She sounds really creepy, especially with the whole 'my wee boy' and wanting him overnight and not letting other people hold him. Cuckoo!

I'm marking my place!

SplashingAround - That sounds exactly like my situation, I really feel for you! And yes I am very tempted to get pissed and act like a tit. :) She is having my ds dressed in a full kilt and sporran even though he is not part of the wedding and has said a family member can take him out if he starts crying. I didn't even want him to go!

Pumpkin- I had planned on keepimg loads of stuff for her for when she has a baby, none of it cheap but I don't think I will bother now. I wouldn't dream of asking for a gift back even if the person was going to sell it because after all, I would have spent money for that person to do whatever they wish with said gift.

Stifnstav- Ha, that's not the worst of it, not nearly. You should see the other threads.

Diddl - I think they will move out although not sure...

Poor you, poor dh to be and poor ds with his sporran!

I am wondering if the SIL has some undiagnosed mental illness or disorder, I gather that those with ADHD can have monumental tantrums and cannot control them, are very impulsive, and have limited empathy.

Oh, now, there's a thought...

Are you weaning DS yet - and is there anything that is likely to make him have one those lovely explosive poos small babies are so capable of?

I'm not suggesting you make him ill, but if there'e something he likes that you avoid because it end, er, badly... well, that would be the best fate I can think of for a kilt on a baby.

Even your SIL would have a hard time shouting at you (in front of her guests) for what a baby did - she'd look a right loon and you could smile and apologise and laugh all the way to the baby change...

Why are you letting her dress your DS like that if he's not part of the wedding

I'd tell her to take a hike myself

Just return the things without comment. Never refer to it again.

Don't refuse to be a bridesmaid.

Let her be the petty angry one.

What a nightmare she sounds to be! I think you are doing the right thing by returning the gifts, and waiting to see what happens about you being bridesmaid.

I do slightly agree with LeQueen - your SIL does sound like she's 14, but I think you have shown a lot more maturity than that.

Yes, wrt the baby's outfit for the wedding. This is your child, not your SIL's. Just put the baby in whatever you want him to wear - it's really none of her business. When she has a child of her own, she can decide what to dress him/her in.

I think you've been subjected to so much of her shit that you can't always see the wood for the trees. Time to wrestle back a bit of control.

If you don't want to be bridesmaid, then you don't have to. It isn't the law. It's okay to put what you want to do ahead of what someone else wants, especially when that someone else has shown no regard for you.

I haven't read the whole thread but I can understand.
My mum does this. Books, clothes, things for the house, everything she gives me I have to keep and use or return it to her. If I charity shop stuff after years I'm ungrateful and don't respect things.
I accindently drunkenly left a coat in a taxi and panicked for days about what I would say when she asked me why I wasn't wearing it.

Oh this is such a difficult one! Because there's two answers really - what's justified, and what makes your life easier.

I really would be inclined to agree with everyone on here who has said - it's time to draw a line and let her know she can't throw her wobblers at you anymore. I would be giving her the things back and refusing to participate in her wedding. She's completely toxic and it seems from the sounds of things that you've more than put up with it for far too long.

But, I'm not even sure it's about her reaction to you doing that. She may well scream and shout but who cares, if you're not around to hear it?

The problem comes from other family members leaning on you, to "keep the peace", like you should give in, put your principles to one side, and let her have her tantrummy ways - just for some greater family good. I've never, ever thought that's cool but it seems to be prevalent in most family arguments. The injured party is pressured give in because somehow they are unreasonable for taking a stand. I think in some ways - that's the bit that pisses me off the most!

I don't think you should have to put up with it, and it's remarkable how much these toxic people back off when they realise their crappy behaviour won't be stood for. I think the real issue comes with the surrounding family members who can't stand the tension for a little while.

By all means - pack up her gifts and send them back. I would at least do that. Send an unequivocal message to her that's entirely the last time she does that to you. As far as the wedding and the BM participation - I guess that's really down to you. I think it's the right thing to do - but it's really about the fall out of that if you don't, and how much crap you'll think you have to take for it.

Oh forgot to say - it was my own brother who was the toxic one, and after a lifetime of being his whipping boy - I decided enough was enough. I refuse to have anything to do with him, he wasn't invited to my wedding, and he won't be invited to meet my children.

But five years on from a physical assault from my brother, by Dad still acts like my stand is no big deal. He just threw into the conversation when he was getting married - oh your brother will be best man, like I should be all - yay He still says - won't you phone your brother when he passed his PHD/I got pregnant/got married etc.

I had to sit him down one day and just say - look Dad, I love you, but I feel like you've got a complete disregard for what I told you happened. Every time you bring my brother up with no sensitivity to how I feel. You need to stop doing that. What happened was real. Treat it as such.

I guess what I am trying to say is - taking a stand is hard, and it's lonely, and you sometimes have to keep reminding people of how serious it was for you to do that. And they will try to pressure you into giving in. I think if you can be civil to her from this point forward, great. But she does need to know that what she does is unacceptable.

It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with some people and the question we had to ask ourselves now I am pregnant again is do we want our child to have to deal with these people. Your SIL will treat your children the way she treats you, I'm not saying cut her out completly but maybe think about the ammount of contact you would be happy for your child to have with someone who will treat them like this. Even if it is to undermine you and treat your son like a darling it's abusive to your child, if not it can damage someone's selfesteem and perception to have to deal with a person like this at such a young age that it becomes normal. What happens when he starts to have his own mind and she needs to control him in the same manner she is controlling you DH and PIL. Whatever she has normalised for you is not right and you need to start thinking about how having someone so destructive in your childs life in going to effect them.

By the way the timing of the drama outbreak is classic to what the people we know would do. They cannot handle something that would be a happy occasion where they would be the center of attention, they need more. As with the birth of your son they cannot handle not being the center of attention and need to become a victim. Drama seems to be addictive as for some does saying sorry and making up if they do something deliberatly nasty. Being forgiven is a big high and pushing as far as you can to see how much you can be forgiven for seems to be a bit of a buzz for some people. It's toxic and infective and can skew a whole family dynamic.

Personally I think if you are going to keep this woman in your life you need to change your relationship with her totally and utterly. I have no idea how you manage this, but is the answer to the 'Can I still see DS' no I cannot trust you and I cannot have this behaviour around my child I think it's dangerous and until you change I cannot allow you to treat him as you have been treating me? It's emotional blackmail and it's not on coming from someone who could potentially emotionally damage your child - don't let her get away with it

What trickle says!

I completely agree, why on earth would
You want your child around someone like that. And when you tell her no she can't see your hold, tell her why, don't make excuses or sugar coat it, be blunt.

A very different experience but I used to have a friend and it was very much all about her. If she didn't like the pub we were in she would flounce and we were all expected to follow her.

I ended working away for a year, when I came home she hadn't grown up and was just the same, but I had changed and instead of following her, when she flounced I'd say bye, see you soon. Her behaviour did change.

Having the SIL from hell myself I can sympathise totally with you. Whatever you do will be wrong, so go with whatever makes you the most comfortable. I've spent years running round like a whipped puppy trying to keep the peace, be the "reasonable one", be the "bigger person", etc, etc. Have now given up and if she doesn't like she can kiss my a*! Just remeber that what you do has an impact on those who DO matter you, e.g. your partner and child. I wouldn't rush into backing out of the wedding, but I can understand why you might want to.

Hi everyone, sorry it's taken me a while to come back I've been a bit ill and spaced out so my messages might be a bit short.

Trickle, I completely agree, when me and DP got engaged we had casually as
ked SIL and her partner a week before if they would ever get married, they said they wouldn't think about it for a good few years. That night DP popped the question and 3 days later SIL was at our flat announcing her engagement, showing off her expensive ring and saying that we would now be having a joint party. I broke the engagement off with DP after I realised that I wasn't having any say in the party evem though my family were going to pay money to it, her music, her venue,her food etc... She was getting away with it so I felt that it wasn't the right time. I went to a festival instead of that party.

To the person who suggested an undiagnosed mental problem, I actually spoke to DP about this last night as she acts exactly the same as someone I knew with aspergers, she is probably just a drama queen though and I am trying to rationalise her odd behaviour.

Bettybat- I'm so sorry you went through that. :( When DP and SIL were teenagers she went in a mood and stabbed DP with a fork! He then chased her with a knife (he had no intention of using it, just trying to scare her, he wouldn't hurt a fly) and it seems to be forgotten she actually stabbed him but what DP did is still mentioned.

Ginny- I actually suggested that last night! Just leaving him without a nappy and giving him to her to hold her precious nephew when I know he's going to poo... I decided that would be cruel though and she would say something no matter how many people are there.

I wouldn't do as Ginny suggest, for your SIL the most important person in the world is herself. She will drop the baby straight away.

Agree with snowbellblues. It's usually the very unhappy people that make all the trouble.

And like kungfupandasaid, this kind of person loves shitloads of drama/turbulence/attention so don't give her the satisfaction.

Try feeling sorry for her!

Once she's given a gift, it's yours. She has no say over what you do with it and certainly no right to wade in all guns blazing when there's just the hint of a sniff that you might have sold something. She's the unreasonable one clearly.

Either there is going to be a massive rift or you'll have to play nice and appease her some more because she clearly isn't going to come round. Do you get on with PILs? What's their view on her behaviour? Sounds like someone needs to give her a talking-to, though it probably won't help much. The main thing is, if you fall out with her, does it mean falling out with the whole family? I would think you'd want to avoid alienating all in-laws, and returning bridesmaid dress shortly before wedding would give SIL some of the moral high ground. She could start saying you ruined her wedding etc. which would obviously be bollocks but in some families repeating something like that enough makes it stick. Tread carefully so you don't end up the villain.

Can't imagine who'd want to marry this woman!