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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In bloody tears because of SIL.

122 replies

SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 20:01

I have been selling some of my unwanted baby stuff as it's cluttering the house and tonight DP has had a phone call from his sister demanding everything she has bought my DS back as "she's not paying good money for it to be sold", none of the things she has given us has been put up for sale, she didn't even ask if it was the same items and after DP told her this she still went on a rant (I could hear her on the phone from the other side of the room).
At the end of the call she had the cheek to ask when she could take my DS.
I am fuming, I have had to put up with her erratic moods for years and have just ignored it, even when she was in my house about 3 days after DS was born and went into a mood because other people were holding him (her parents).

I am fed up with it and have boxed everything up that she has given us and phoned her parents house (she lives there) to say it can be picked up whenever she wants.

I don't want to feel that I owe anyone anything, I also don't want her to see DS anymore.

To make things worse I am meant to be her bridesmaid in a matter of weeks but I will be giving her the dress with the things she gave DS.

AIBU and acting over the top because I'm upset?

OP posts:

Original poster

SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 20:52

KitBit- That's why I am feeling that I don't want her to be around him anymore, I don't think it's fair on him if he starts picking up on her pointless moods.

OP posts:

ohmygosh123 · 16/04/2012 20:55

Your son doesn't exactly need a nut job in his life - unless you are wanting a negative role model. If you know you don't need to engage with her, then it will probably be a relief to your DP ..... but making the jump can be hard. My DH has given up on his freakish siblings ..... didn't want to, but finally they pushed way too far - now he has nothing to do with them, he really couldn't care less, and is much happier not having to bother with them. So am I!

You are so not being unreasonable! She can get away with being a twit, because the people round her are letting her ..... so go and stand up for yourself - but in a way that you don't regret the next day!

Original poster

SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 20:55

She sacked me because I asked a question that I probably shouldn't have asked and was quite personal but it was a miscommunication on something she had said to me a while back and I asked her if things were any better.
She claimed she never said anything of the sort and stormed off phoning people within my earshot telling how fed up she was with me and her other bridesmaid (her cousin) and how it was her wedding and she'll have whoever she wants there.

OP posts:

angelberry · 16/04/2012 20:55

Bonkers people get away with being bonkers because they can. Well, OP, so can you. Have a great big massive shit fit. Let people worry about getting on the wrong side of you for a change, the way they all do about her.
Scream, shout. Behave irrationally.
Lob her stuff on her garden from a moving vehicle.
Shit in the box if necessary.
But don't be a doormat any longer.

LydiaWickham · 16/04/2012 20:56

Big smiles, pack it all up, give it her back. Don't rise to it.

From now on, save everything she gives any of you, give it back broken/used/empty.

You should be giggling about her bonkers behaviour, not letting it upset you. I bet your MIL will have words once she realises this means she has to store all this shit.

Petrean · 16/04/2012 20:56

I always remember your posts Schroedinger, your SIL makes mine look lovely and am grateful that mine isn't as bad as yours. Be the grown up. Tell her you weren't planning on selling any of the items she gave you, but if she wants them back she can. She is very immature.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 16/04/2012 20:57

I think she's in the right...no just kidding i had to say it due to my username she sounds very petty and as others said i'd leave her to it

RevoltingPeasant · 16/04/2012 20:57

Schro what does your MIL say? Actually I think with my MIL (who is lovely) I'd be talking to her. I'd say,

'Look, I really don't want to cause trouble, but I've been feeling down since DS birth and SIL keeps ringing up and shouting. It's pretty hard to take. She was really cross with DP last night, all over a mistake because she thought we were trying to sell a gift she got us, and you know she said she didn't want me to be her BM. Honestly, I've got too much else on with a young baby for all this drama. I'd like to pull out.'

I think if you get the other ILs onside this might be easier. But I don't know what they're like.

Harecare · 16/04/2012 20:58

Does she want the baby things for herself? To be taking up storage in your attic? Passed onto a friend of hers? Some people are a bit funny about gifts being sold on, so she's not being completely unreasonable on that matter.

She does sound very immature though. Rise above her nonsense and do what suits you. Don't do things out of spite, but ask her if she is sure she would like you as a bridesmaid. Make it clear that you are happy either way, but if she doesn't want you to be bridesmaid then maybe you can pass the dress onto whoever she does want? Explain that you are happy for her to see her nephew, she can come over at such and such a time. She sounds a bit too immature to take him out alone. No need to say this, just give her lots of options that suit you, if they're not good enough that is unfortunate for her.

LydiaWickham · 16/04/2012 21:00

Oh, and don't give the dress back, you should be the one who's drama free - if you aren't the bridesmaid, you'll be the one who wouldn't be her bridesmaid over a couple of baby bottles. That makes you sound like the petty one.

Original poster

SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 21:00

Mil is a lovely woman and talks to her everytime she does thing like this. I'm starting to feel sorry for her having to play referee all the time and she herself called her a bridezilla :o

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 16/04/2012 21:01

and I wouldn't ask her about the bridesmaid thing, if she doesn't want you to be her bridesmaid she has to tell you herself, you should just assume you are until being told otherwise.

PigletUnrepentant · 16/04/2012 21:02

Having been through similar, and having presented the other cheek for years on end until my marriage ended, I'm going to go against the general consensus and tell you to send the bottles and play mat back, and do the same with the dress.

Yes, the shit will hit the fan but, it is better for her to learn NOW that you are not a punching bag that will put up with that behaviour just because you are "family". If left to carry on, this will end up causing problems between you and your DH.

It is also a good idea to put a stop to this NOW that your child is a baby, than having to deal with misbehaving auntie running havock on your parenting because she believes she has the right to decide on her nephew's upbringing.

I "lost" my exMIL and SIL in similar circumstances, the only thing I do regret is not having done it earlier, it would have spared me from years of abuse, and perhaps, if I had said enough before my relationship with the h was so eroded, our marriage may have survived.

Original poster

SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 21:04

Harecare - We weren't even selling the gifts she gave us that's the problem and I couldn't have that conversation with her, she would just get mad, scream and storm off. Same if I told her she has to come here to see DS.

OP posts:

Original poster

SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 21:06

Piglet I am sorry how it worked out for you. :( It has already caused many arguments between me and DH because he doesn't stand up to her enough and I don't feel I should have to put up with the abuse she keeps giving me.

OP posts:

Eglu · 16/04/2012 21:08

I think you would be well within your rights to hand her back all of the gifts. I would never accept another gift from her again either.

kedge · 16/04/2012 21:08

Feel really sorry for you over this one as whatever course of action you choose to take, you will feel bad about it when from the sounds of things (referencing earlier posts about her behaviour issues) she is impossible to deal with.

I had a similar situation within my DHs family and decided (when DCs were little) that this particular person was going to cause trouble come what may and so I distanced myself and DCs from it as I had no trust of this person and no respect for their morals, standards and values and thought it could be a very negative experience for all of us. DH has as much or as little contact with said person as he wishes, the only stipulation is that it does not involve us. Some people just seem to thrive on causing trouble and like being the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons and I felt that I had gone as far as I could go with a situation that was patently obviously not going to improve.

I think I would just leave it at returning all the items given, along with the bridesmaids dress and not say anything or give any explanation as I think she needs to realise what she has done - if that is at all possible. Any further gifts should be politely refused (given that they appear to be 'loans' anyway!!) and I would work towards gradually cutting down all social contact to the polite bare minimum or to family occasions when there are a group of people present. Good luck whatever you decide to do as it is a very difficult situation when it is the immediate family.

tralalala · 16/04/2012 21:11

be her bridesmaid as potentially your will be SILs until your dying die. For my grandmother that is over 60 years.

It will be remembered for all of those years.

Life is too short but also oh so long.

Original poster

SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 21:19

Tralalala - That is actually a very good point. Thanks. :)

Kedge - The problem is that mil takes DS for a few hours and occasionally a night so she can see him when she isn't working which is pretty much constant long shifts, so sil will be there so I might actually have no choice but to just suck it up. No matter what I do I will hurt someone and I really don't want that to be mil as she has helped a lot and is very kind. At the same time though, I don't want to be a punching bag.

Lost over what is the best option.

OP posts:

PigletUnrepentant · 16/04/2012 21:27

I disagree, my exSIL is great now, now that she knows where she stands. (the moment she is mean or rude, that's the moment I stop picking up her calls)

BTW. I refused to go to the wedding, and it was the mother of all fall outs. It was the end of the abuse, too. So it was well worth it. At the end of the day, the people who remember or gossip about these things are not exactly the people who are going to come running to hold the OP's hand when she is being abused by her SIL.

Nobhead · 16/04/2012 21:31

If you want to cut her out can't you ask your MIL to come to your house to see your DS and explain why? Tell her you have had enough of SIL's shit and that you don't want her around your DS. If MIL knows what a twat she can be then hopefully she will understand and sympathise with you.

PigletUnrepentant · 16/04/2012 21:33

Another option is to send the stuff back minus the dress, if she kicks off and decides you cannot be her bridesmaid... that's it.

PigletUnrepentant · 16/04/2012 21:36

There is no need to be precious about contact with your child, this is about her learning to control her temper. If she sees your child when he is at MILs so be it, as long as the MIL is not allowing her to do risky stuff with your child or leaving her to care for him, it should be ok.

Original poster

SchrodingersMew · 16/04/2012 21:37

Nobhead- I don't think I could ask her to do that, she would happily, that's not the problem but she has been so lovely to us I feel it would be unfair to ask her to drive 14 miles to sit in my house for hours on her days off, most of the time she takes him it is so she can bring him with her in what ever she's doing and still be able to see him. I think it would hurt her to punish her for the troubles between her Daughter and I.

Piglet- It's good that you are able to have a relationship with her now. :) I hope soon I will be able to get some luck with SIL, I think I will have to sleep on it and talk to DP about it.

OP posts:

LibrarianByDay · 16/04/2012 21:52

I wouldn't give the stuff back to her. I would tell her that the stuff she has given as gifts isn't being sold and tell her that she can have it if she wants it but that she'll have to ask your DS about it as it is his. See if she has the nerve to demand gifts back from a small child.

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