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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

vegan mum at kids party was rude?

399 replies

DoozerDrift · 15/04/2012 20:42

Took DS to a young child's birthday party at soft play today, and there was a vegan mum with her DC there. When it came to cake time, there was no vegan cake, so the mum gave her DC a chocolate lollipop out of her bag.

OK, her DC seemed happy with the situation and asked to hosts to check what was and wasn't vegan. So no problem there I don't think (although I'll bet my bottom dollar they'll rebel and live on bacon sandwiches when they're old enough to ignore their mum!) Grin

BUT AIBU to think that taking separate treats to a party is A) rude to the hosts and B) unfair to the other children at the party who might prefer what the vegan DC are eating?

OP posts:
Kaekae · 15/04/2012 23:18

I think you are being YABU. At my childs party one of the children had a bit of an issue with food, I knew about it as their parent had told me and asked whether it was ok for her to bring along some food she knew her child could eat. In the end I made a platter of various foods and just added some things the child could eat. I don't see why it would bother you really you weren't even the host.

PurpleRomanesco · 15/04/2012 23:20

Woah, Lot's of X posts!

Sorry.

kipperandtiger · 15/04/2012 23:22

V difficult (and brave!) to be a non meat eater if one doesn't like most vegetables/nuts/fruit, but well done to Purple and friend for their efforts!

PurpleRomanesco · 15/04/2012 23:27

She was brave! She has come a long way from "Ergh, I'm not eating lettuce. It tastes like crunchy water!" (Me trying to get her to try some iceberg lettuce)

She loves veg now. :)

kipperandtiger · 15/04/2012 23:27

I think parents are generally very tolerant about kids' parties, because well, kids are kids, you just want them to have a good time. One mum once brought raisins because her DS liked to snack on them sometimes - that's totally fine, didn't even think about that until now. Might be different if you pulled out a chocolate lollipop out of your handbag/pocket in a Michelin starred restaurant in front of your boss and several important business clients, maybe.....but that's a totally different context.

kipperandtiger · 15/04/2012 23:30

Purple - lol! (yes, some of them taste like crunchy water..... esp if intensively farmed?) Excuse me, got to log off now....

Whatmeworry · 15/04/2012 23:32

YANBU to be annoyead about peplebringing their own food,YABUtothink anyone else will want to eat the food these sort of people bring:o

But how is a child vegan.Its the parents' foisting their own beliefs surely?

Metabilis3 · 15/04/2012 23:36

@upahill this is my life experience too :(. I have to travel for work, a LOT, and the amount of just plain rude grief I get from some people (work colleagues) overseas is just incredible. And yet some people, from incredibly meaty cultures, are completely lovely about it. And yes, as someone remarked unthread, there is a definite correlation between the intelligence of the person involved and their attitude towards me being a vegan.

SeasonOfTheWitch · 15/04/2012 23:44

we've kind of already had this discussion upthread whatmeworry as others have said: don't nearly all parents 'foist their own beliefs' on their children?

and i'm guessing you've never witnessed non-vegans hoovering up vegan cakes.

they aren't sawdust and cardboard you know, they're usually more like this: www.mscupcake.co.uk/

RubyFakeNails · 16/04/2012 00:19

Of course OP is BU but those who are being anti-vegan/veggie are BU too.

I'd actually like to know what is the age a child is deemed old enough to make these decisions about meat etc

I'm a veggie but I prefer to use soy substitutes and my personal tastes mean I eat a mainly vegan diet. However DH is an ardent carnivore. He pretty much eats meat or fish with every meal. The DCs have always had the option to have meat. Although should add nobody eats pork in our house.

DD1 now eats meat quite regularly, DS will occasionally but only if he's at a friends house etc, DD2 (5) is quite the vegan. As far as I'm concerned this is all her choice. She says no to meat and when she found out why i don't eat certain sweets she said she didn't want them.

I know from other posts I've made on mn others feel I'm inflicting my beliefs on my child, although usually its only the one who choses not to eat meat that I'm supposedly indoctrinating. So when is it that DD decides for herself?

Aribura · 16/04/2012 01:05

ffs meat-eaters stop inflicting meat on your children, they should have a choice even though they're like 5 years old. Also stop trying to make them be "healthy" sometimes it should be the child's choice if they just eat pizza all the time. Also if you never feed your child pomegranate YOU ARE DEPRIVING YOUR CHILD OF EXPERIENCING THE TASTE AND TEXTURE OF EVERY FOOD IN THE WORLD STOP FORCING YOUR POMEGRANATE-HATING BELIEFS ON YOUR CHILD.

I knew twats would be along eventually. Well done the first 90% of the thread very proud of you. OP is being insane, especially about the Facebook thing.

mathanxiety · 16/04/2012 01:13

I have to force my DCs to eat pretty much everything as they are insanely picky.

SodoffBaldrick · 16/04/2012 01:13

It's only 'foisting' when it's other people doing other things, that the person using a loaded word like 'foisting' doesn't agree with, or understand (invariably ignorant about). Grin

Under any other circumstances, it's just known as 'raising your children as you see fit'.

sashh · 16/04/2012 05:41

I suppose because the vegan diet has been 'inflicted' on the DC, I also feel sorry for them having to ask what's vegan and what isn't. One day mum won't be there with her bag of lollies, then what will they do?!

the same as
Jewish
Hindy
Muslim
Diabetic
Kidney diseased
lots of other dietry restrictions

children do

GeorgiaMay · 16/04/2012 06:01

Wouldn't bother me in the least if a parent brought different food for their child, for whatever reason.

Someone asked what happens when the parent is no longer around to make sure the child eats the right food - we had that at DS's 7th birthday party. He has a friend who is Hindu and the whole family are vegan. The boy turned up with his own snacks - fine - ate them then started on the party food. He had pizza, sausages, meringues, everything. I mentioned to him at one point that the pizza had cheese on (in case he didn't realise - ha!) and I didn't think he was supposed to eat it, and he looked me straight in the eye and told me it was fine. I just had to hope he wasn't going to throw up from all the different food!

DS said the boy always swaps his food at school as well - I wonder if the parents know or if I should have said something? (I didn't).

exoticfruits · 16/04/2012 06:39

It seems a lot of fuss about something very trivial. The mother thought that cake would have dairy products and so brought an alternative. It is hardly a big problem-the DC will soon be choosing for themselves and if they want to be vegan they will have to do it for themselves in social situations-if they don't want to be vegan they won't need to. Vegans generally manage in an unobtrusive way.

catsrus · 16/04/2012 07:04

As for the 'what age do you let your children choose?' question - i was veggie for 23 yrs so mine were brought up veggie but could eat meat as soon as they could make the link between the live animal and what they were eating. I.e. that ham was dead pig. Totally their choice. They all chose to try meat, stayed veggie, then gradually became meat eaters. Because I only cooked veggie at home they tended to eat meat out - as they got older and started to cook they cooked meat. All 3 now eat meat (teens and 20's) but are equally happy with veggie food. They don't think a meal without meat is somehow lacking and they know how to balance food to get the healthiest result.

Two of them keep trying to return to vegetarianism but love the taste of meat so much that they never last long. I now have meat/fish maybe once a week -usually when im out and the fish/meat option is healthier than the veggie. I would love to be able to be vegan but I've never found a good milk substitute for my morning cuppa :)

exoticfruits · 16/04/2012 07:08

It isn't a question of 'letting them choose' -they will choose-once they are not with you 100%. Give them what you consider a good start-after that you have no control.

Tee2072 · 16/04/2012 07:15

Have I wandered into an alternate reality?

OP: AIBU?
Everyone else: Hell Yes YABU
OP: Ok

::faints::

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 16/04/2012 07:17

YABU. The mum didnt make a big deal out of it- "Oh no Tarquin, we don't eat that cake. That cake is made with the by-products of animals. It's yukky" Grin She just gave her child an alternative and everyone was happy.

AutumnSummers · 16/04/2012 07:28

You have no right WHATsOEVER to be offended by someone else's Parenting sytles. I think that YOU are rude. And very, very U.

HappyJustToBe · 16/04/2012 07:48

YABU.

My parents inflicted meat eating on me and I rebelled at 10. 16 years later I'm still rebelling. Take that, Mum and Dad. Luckily they have three normal children who didn't rebel. I stay the only freak of the family.

People may think she is being a mean mum and making the child, horror of horrors, different but have you considered she may be making the right choice and the masses are wrong? I'm not saying that is the case but the arrogance of your position being the correct one is ridiculous.

halcyondays · 16/04/2012 08:02

Yabu

TandB · 16/04/2012 08:45

Oh come on, OP. Say what you really mean. You didn't think this woman was rude - you are really scrabbling about for arguments to support that. What you actually wanted to say was "I don't think people should be vegan" and the party "rudeness" was just a vessel for that.

The mum did everything right in terms of avoiding putting anyone to any extra trouble. I am gobsmacked that you actually thought it appropriate to send a message to the host criticising her behaviour. Firstly, it's none of your business and secondly, it puts the host in an awkward position - although it sounds like she handed it well - her reply makes it clear that she has no interest in engaging in gossip about vegan mum. It is a little ironic that you self-righteously assert that vegan mum could have caused difficulties for the host when actually you are the one who did that with your message.

I am vegetarian. DP is not. One of our diets has to be "inflicted" on the DSs. We chose a non-vegetarian diet, so I suppose I could say that DP is inflicting his beliefs on DS1, but it is just a choice, like any other. If the DSs decide to be vegetarian when they are older, that is their choice when they are old enough to make it. I doubt they will as my vegetarianism is not a particularly ethical decision, just a not liking or being able to digest meat decision.

Whatmeworry · 16/04/2012 08:49

and i'm guessing you've never witnessed non-vegans hoovering up vegan cakes

That's the Elysian dream, in my experience the norm is more the desperately miserable vegan/veggie/etc kid wanting what all the others are having (and scarfing sweets etc as much as they can once Mummie is out the picture :o )