To feel like the only person in the world who's totally FRIENDLESS?

[MakingANewStart]

Can't understand how it happened and hate it that it has but I am TOTALLY friendless (apart from DH and I drive him nuts going on about it). I feel like I must to abnormal and weird but I'm not. I look the same as any other mother of 4 (knackered and a bit stressed) and looking at me nobody would ever realise my dirty little secret (friendless weirdo!). It really pains me as I deserve someone to have a laugh and moan with. I am actually a very nice, empathetic, interesting person and would love to help others/get involved with other people.

I had friends through school and in early adulthood but I moved around a lot and when I had my first DC, moved somewhere totally new and due to PND, did not mix much (went to toddler groups but never really interacted with others) then went back to work. We have moved since quite a few times and have been in our current area for 7 years and I still have not made any friends, acquaintances yes. I do not have contact with my family as they are twunts and responsible for my self esteem issues (black sheep/scapegoat).

I know I look quite unapproachable at times (have been told) and that may put people off but surely not everyone! The DCs have friends but I feel they suffer from not seeing me in social environments and the fact we never have any other adults around. My worst nightmare would be that they are like me!

DH works long hours and is close to work colleagues and family members although rarely in a social way and is not bothered for himself but feels for me.

We are living in reduced circumstances at the moment and I am quite embarassed about where we live which just compounds the issue as I would not invite anyone for a coffee or dinner.

Is it just me then? EVERYONE seems to have SOMEONE, even if they piss them off. I farking hate it and would do anything to change it! It would be my greatest regret in life to remain lonely for the rest of it. What can I do??

I sympathise a lot. Due to circumstances this has happened to me too. It's quite depressing not have anyone to talk to about things. I haven't got much advice, I hope someone more clued up on making friends will be along shortly.
I have got round this via MN. I do a lot of chatting on here and have made friends that I have been able to converse with off board. It's really made a difference to my quality of life.

I'm quite lonely at the moment OP but admittedly do have a couple of friends. In 3 weeks I am moving 150 miles to a new city where my best friend moved 3 years ago and I can't wait. Although I will only have the one close friend it will be great. I think that is all you need, just the one friend.

As for how to go about it, that's the million dollar question. Everyone will suggest classes etc and I reckon that's a good idea but would you have time for this/be interested in this?? Are you a shy person? Have you said no when people have suggested things because you don't fancy them? Perhaps you need to just pick some activity, any activity and look around for someone who looks a bit lonely and start chatting to them. If anyone suggests something, just say yes even if it sounds a bit boring. You never know where it might lead. What about neighbours, anyone interesting there??

Thank you Cat. It is extremely depressing is'nt it.

I too am pretty friend-less these days, this is by choice more than anything though, and actually I quite like it and am enjoying my own company. I chose to pull away from many so-called friends as my self esteem used to be quite low and I attracted the wrong type of person. As I've had counselling and by self esteem has improved a lot, I started to realise that lots of people that I thought were my friends really didn't behave in a friend-like manner and I decided that actually I would rather have no friends than put up with crap.

I have a bunch of best friends that I was at school with and we meet up maybe once a month for a night out. I like it this way, as we are not in each others pockets, but we know we are there for each other. I also have a close friend who lives on my estate; our daughters are friends at school and we became close after they started school. And that's it, pretty much. Oh and a few wonderful friends I've met on an online forum, some I've met and some I haven't. Everyone else I class as an aquaintance really.

So I'm afraid no wisdom or even advice from me really, but just wanted to say it's no bad thing, and that the whole friendship thing is, in my opinion, over-rated. :)

I can totally identify with you MakingANewStart. I only have 1 friend and I dont see her very often. I find making and keeping friends very difficult. My partner has lots of friends and likes to go out and socialise with them on his own and as a couple. I find it so difficult to go out with his friends, most of them are very nice, but I still find it very difficult. I too would like to have more friends, I look forward to hearing suggestions from others. Sorry that i couldn't offer any help.

Where are you OP, you sound lovely - I will be your friend :)

Maybe it is because you are just too beautiful???

I have always considered myself friendless - my DH is perhaps my best friend! I have never really had a best mate, but perhaps my good friends at the moment are the mums I know at school whose children are in the same class as mine. I am sure when everyone gets back to work we won't perhaps do as much as we do now together.

I suppose the thing is that friends and relationships are a very changeable thing - your and their circumstances change. I would like to have more friends, but at the same time, I suppose I don't really make myself available or really want to spend time doing things that others like and I just don't really enjoy.

I suppose the thing that may help is to spend your free time doing things you enjoy or finding a group of like minded people and let things go from there.

I do think that many people talk about many friends, but really they are more acquaintances.

Please don't think you are abnormal - more like the fact that you are perhaps more honest !!

Same here!! I'm in Milton Keynes if anyone else is friendless and bored.

I think you need to find people that you really like. I think its futile to try to make friends with people who are ok just because you want a friend/some friends. It's a bit like romantic relationships innit. You have to connect in some way/ lift each other

Oh all. I know what you mean Hex but I would love to even have people that I meet up with rarely and who were at the end of the phone. I gave birth to my last DC alone as we no one to look after the other 3 so DH had to stay with them. It was absolutely fine though although a bit nerve wracking as a VBAC and he was a big un!

I am in Essex FedUp. You sound lovely too.

Oh Making that's so sad, poor you having to give birth alone :(

Are you in touch with any friends from school days at all? How do you get on with the mums of your DCs best friends? Do you go to a gym or any fitness classes or anything like that? I used to play on a local womens' netball team and we used to have a lot of nights out and meet ups. Something like that might be a good way to meet some new people?

So sorry to hear that about your last birth NewStart. That is me and DH really, one of us always has to be with the dc and it can get quite complicated to organise. If it helps, I was alone for both mine as the country I live in doesn't have a very enlighten hospital policy and you are it allowed anyone at all with you during procedures (and birth is apparently a procedure).

Aw too far away, but feel free to email for a chat. :)

I know I need a hobby (apart from making DC!) but no time at the moment.

It seems to be more and more difficult the older I get. I really should make more of an effort to take notice of other people too but I think I am so used to being alone and keeping my head down and mouth shut, it's really hard to break that habit.

I know there must be plenty of other lonely people, it's so difficult to connect though.

no, you're not weird. i'm friendless and at peace with it. an awful lot of people are. you'll find us on forums...

good luck. clubs and activities. and forums.

Online is a really good way to make friends, like I said in my earlier post I've made some lovely friends from an online parenting forum I go on. Some live locally and i've met up with them, others don't live nearby but I still class them as friends. Are there local forums on Mumsnet? I rarely venture further than AIBU and chat, but I'm pretty sure someone said once there are local boards on here. If there are perhaps join your local one and see if anyone would like to have a meet up with you

I could have written your post OP.
I completely understand.
In the past three years I've moved from Solihull to Cardiff to Bristol.
I have two children, my husband works very long hours and shifts, so even if I wanted, I couldn't join a club because I wouldn't be able to go the week after!
I fancy some exercise, but his work combined with the children means I basically have no life!
I thought having children meant that you would have some more friends but I'm still as lonely as ever.
I'm also an only child too, so no siblings either.
My two BF in school were gay, one died, the other didn't want to come to my wedding.
I have one friend and she lives 60 miles away.
But I'm a generous friend, gift wise, but maybe not timewise. I often like being on my own, it's the only child in me. But I would like somebody to talk too occasionally. Go on holiday, go shopping.

I noticed you said you"look quite unapproachable at times". Did you mean you look sort of disgrunted , or dont make eye contact?, or do you mean you think you dont look the same as others?

Sorry to hear you're a bit lonely OP. Dont know where you live but are there any mother and toddler groups near by? They are usually v cheap and you would meet other people. Also, if you have the time, join the committee as that is a great way to get to know other mothers and fathers better. Wonder if you have a local library that runs a book group and/or story time for the dc's - another way to meet people.
I understand you may not enjoy joining committees but once friends are made you could always leave!

Similar situation here OP. Have you tried the otherside (netmums), they have meetamum and area meet ups? Toddler groups if you have pre-school age children, are there any friendly mums at school?

I worry too about my DCs not having many friends when they grow up as they see pur example.

Mother todder groups can be a lifesaver.
Are there any community groups near you?
Chin up. It will happen. In the meantime,there's always MN.

Also wanted to add, its not unusual to not have friends, there are regular posts on here about it! Thankful for MN. I too do enjoy my own company and my DH is my bestie.

I have a small group of friends but they're mainly obsessed with their partners and don't really want to go out much. But then I'm busy a lot anyway.

Would you consider taking up a class or something? For social factor mainly?

Today I feel like I could have written the OP.

I have learnt in the last week that my only two friends here are both moving away for various reasons. Today I feel quite sad about it. I had to work really hard to make these friends after moving to a new town four years ago. Now I feel like I have to start again.

I understand the reduced circumstances bit too, kind off dents the ego enough make it harder too.
Also my youngest starts school soon so no more toddler groups to hang around - will have to find a new method of meeting people

But I have to say I have been on MN a lot lately and I feel like it doesn't help me. I haven't made online friends or RL friends either

What about a book club if you like reading?