To feel like the only person in the world who's totally FRIENDLESS?

[MakingANewStart]

Can't understand how it happened and hate it that it has but I am TOTALLY friendless (apart from DH and I drive him nuts going on about it). I feel like I must to abnormal and weird but I'm not. I look the same as any other mother of 4 (knackered and a bit stressed) and looking at me nobody would ever realise my dirty little secret (friendless weirdo!). It really pains me as I deserve someone to have a laugh and moan with. I am actually a very nice, empathetic, interesting person and would love to help others/get involved with other people.

I had friends through school and in early adulthood but I moved around a lot and when I had my first DC, moved somewhere totally new and due to PND, did not mix much (went to toddler groups but never really interacted with others) then went back to work. We have moved since quite a few times and have been in our current area for 7 years and I still have not made any friends, acquaintances yes. I do not have contact with my family as they are twunts and responsible for my self esteem issues (black sheep/scapegoat).

I know I look quite unapproachable at times (have been told) and that may put people off but surely not everyone! The DCs have friends but I feel they suffer from not seeing me in social environments and the fact we never have any other adults around. My worst nightmare would be that they are like me!

DH works long hours and is close to work colleagues and family members although rarely in a social way and is not bothered for himself but feels for me.

We are living in reduced circumstances at the moment and I am quite embarassed about where we live which just compounds the issue as I would not invite anyone for a coffee or dinner.

Is it just me then? EVERYONE seems to have SOMEONE, even if they piss them off. I farking hate it and would do anything to change it! It would be my greatest regret in life to remain lonely for the rest of it. What can I do??

I have five people I would count as friends and maybe three more close acquaintances. It doesn't seem many for nearly 30 years but I think I only worry about it because I feel I should. One of my close friends is very sociable and is having trouble narrowing her birthday party list down from 90. I'd struggle to have more than about ten to invite if it were me!
I'm not terribly sociable and I just don't keep in touch with people very well unless I really like them. I just don't bother unless we really get along well. I quite like being on my own to be honest. I would miss my closest friend if she moved or we did but apart from that I'm really not too bothered. DS is already extremely sociable. I have no idea where he gets it from because it isn't me.

Have you tried looking online for any groups in the area that would be suitable? Parent groups maybe? I have found unfortunately that the older I get the more I struggle to make new friends. Life just gets in the way.

Have you reached out and been pushy? Sometimes I think you just have to put shyness to one side. We moved to a new area and I treated mother and toddler groups like I used to a nightclub in my early twenties - I only went to "pull" friends. I would sidle up to a woman I liked the look of with similar aged children and chat them up. Rebuffed a few times but struck gold with 3 who I clicked with, swapped numbers, met up, they then introduced to me to their friends, DH to their DH etc etc. We now have a network of 8 families who all live within walking distance, DC all friends etc its great. Same when DD1 started school I would spy out women I thought looked fun have added 2 mums from DDs class to our original friendship group.

What age are your DC's OP?
If they are all at school maybe you could do some volunteer work during school hours, or when you DH is at home with them.
As you said in your post that you wanted to get involved with / help people.
That may be one way of getting to know friends as well as giving you the sense of well being that you are making a difference to others.

As for worrying about where you live - don't! A good friend will not care how big/small your home is. It's your company they will come for.
Good Luck, I hope things improve for you.

Hi Making another who could have written your post.

Your circumstances sound similar too. Right down to not inviting people round for coffee.

OP I'm in the same boat as you. I have only 1 child but I fear I will live the rest of my life having no friends all because I took a different route to all my old friends cr they went clubbing all the time and I couldn't as I fell pregnant at such a young age. I don't mean to sound rude but how oke are you as I'm not far from you so we could meet up if you like but I may be too young for you to mix with IYSWIM

makinganewstart I completely sympathise/empathise. I have just had a really lonely week when my child was with his dad. I am a single parent. Also, I understand about "reduced circumstances" and slight embarrassment. Well, you're not on your own as many here have posted they have some similar feelings. So that's something
Personally, I think that any social contact, when you're feeling lonely/friendless, is good. I disagree with beejeezus. I think that just having contact with other people lifts your spirits a bit when you are feeling down about this sort of thing. Sadly I found toddler groups the most gadawaful places, no-one spoke to me at all.
I don't know what the answer is unfortunately. Joining groups is good, if possible. There's meetup.com of course. And citysocialising.com
I would also suggest that a small improvement can make a HUGE difference. Just a bit more sociability makes a big difference to these negative feelings.
Not much help really.
Personally I feel like my loneliness is a bit of a dirty secret

OP, whereabouts are you? Have you tried MN local and suggested a meet up? They aren't as scary as they seem (Ok, the first one may be, but it's a breeze after that )

Making friends is really hard work, and with 4 DCs time and inclination are often in short supply. I moved a while ago and threw myself into everything including volunteering. It kind of paid off in that I know a lot of people, but that's different to your 'quality' mates which take time and shared experience. It is harder as you get older too. It's sometimes easier to stay in and hide behind the children IME.

I've conflated friendlessness and loneliness.

I've got no friends either :)

Does it never bother you MissV?

I am a bit like that. I have one friend but she is a busy woman and also spends lots of time with her family (of course). She is a very good friend but I dont see her a lot.
My other friend moved away.

I had a friend for years. We were very close but then she went back to australia and it was then I realised how much we had depended on each other to the exlusion of making other friends.

Then I moved over this way. I am a friendly sort and get on with most people but a lot of things happened one after the other to prevent me mixing.
When i was free to mix I found that I was a bit of an oddity. Bereaved parent, adoptive parent, older parent, not from round here - all these things conspire to make me an outsider who doesnt really fit in.

Its ok most of the time but its sometimes really lonely.

I am trying to make new friends but its hard. People often back off when you have lost a child.

I have a lot of online friends which is nice but feels a bit weird tbh. I am of an age where the internet is still seems a novelty

You sound lovely
I moved here from Australia nearly 4 years ago and had no friends either and found it so depressing.
I ended up going to my local childrens centre and as a result have made a few lovely friends

maybe if people find you unapproachable whack a smile on and say hi :-)

I am friendly with many people but have very few people I'd consider friends. It has really stood out recently, I've been stuck at home not well and I've only had one friend check that I'm ok. Others who I thought were friends turn out to be rather one sided, I am there for them whenever they need a friend and now I need them they have vanished.
Feel very lonely.

I think loneliness makes on ill

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I just wanted to say your 'reduced circumstances' shouldn't put you off having people over IMO. My last house was horrid, a miniature terracotta hovel, but I didn't let that put me off inviting people. Anyone who judges people on their home would be no real friend anyway.

If you have the time, I think volunteering for a charity is a great way to meet people, also costs you nothing. I met a really good friend that way (an addition to my very very small group of friends). Even if you don't meet someone you really click with, just the company of a diverse set of people (and you really do get to meet a diverse set of people when you volunteer ) can lift your spirits and lead on to other things - opportunities to go out and socialise.

Hi op, I too have no friends at all :( DH is my only one.

I'm so fed up of being lonely. There are days where I ache to have just one friend :(

I could have written your post too, OP.

I have self-esteem issues too and have been told that I am unapproachable - I think that, because my confidence is low and I feel a freak being friendless, I have developed a bit of a hard exterior which almost warns people off! Consequently, even I put myself into situations to try and make friends (like joining a club), it never seems to happen.

It does get me down a lot but over the years I have kind of got used to my own company. And I no longer let being friendless hold me back from doing things. I dont really have any advice except to say that I agree with a lot of the comments made by others. Try and get out there and do an activity which forces you to talk to people and gives the more confident types an opportunity to approach you. You might not make a new best friend straight away but you might get to spend a half hour chatting with someone new over a coffee which can lead to further meet ups.

Hm. I think everyone goes through periods of having fewer friends than they have at other times. Or no friends. I know I have, and currently (now I think about it) I'm also going through a dry patch, friends-wise. I think it's normal - doesn't make it any less rubbish though. Sorry you're lonely right now.

Apart from my sister, I have the grand total of one person I could invite to my 40th birthday this year.

I have two other close friends who live very far away, who I can actually talk to about things and who genuinely care about me but that's it!!

To be honest, although the thought was a little depressing, I'm not actually that bothered - I have my kids and my sister, and the one friend I do have lives over the road and we can see each other every day if we so please.

Also I believe in the case of friends, quality beats quantity - I'd rather have this very small group of real friends who I can trust and talk to.

It depresses me when you see those competitions - win a shopping trip / night out / pamper day - for you and a friend. I honestly don't know who I would invite.

Hoping that I make friends when I finally find a church to join. Preferably a church with a few under 60s.......

Yup, me too. Blobto - if I won a competition I'd either invite my husband or my mum. I don't have anyone.

I found the "toddler group" thing really awkward - the idea that you should immediately hit it off with someone where the only thing you have in common is small children.

Likewise school gates.

However, I'm not usually that bothered - in term time I'm way too busy for friends anyway, I'd have to be a holidays-only sort of friend.

You're not the only one OP, I am completely friendless too . I used to have a small group of friends a few years ago but when my son was diagnosed with SN they acted as if he was highly contagious. One never spoke to me again, another would always agree to meet up until she discovered DS1 would be there and then made her excuses. The others were always too busy when I suggested to meet up (although they often would meet up as a group when someone else arranged it)

Would love to have a friend again

My main issue with friends, when I had lots of 'friends' was that no one would ever have described me as their best friend or a close friend, and I was never, for example, the person someone would phone to confide in if they had a problem. I also found that many friends were take take take and would want favours whilst refusing to ever do anything for me.

So nowadays although I have a lot fewer friends I am happier as many 'friends' really didn't give a monkeys about me and were just out for what they could get. So now I don't actually give much (of myself) to anyone and then I am not disappointed when I get nothing back.

I don't even have a child yet so can't even go to toddler groups etc to meet people :(