To feel like the only person in the world who's totally FRIENDLESS?

[MakingANewStart]

Can't understand how it happened and hate it that it has but I am TOTALLY friendless (apart from DH and I drive him nuts going on about it). I feel like I must to abnormal and weird but I'm not. I look the same as any other mother of 4 (knackered and a bit stressed) and looking at me nobody would ever realise my dirty little secret (friendless weirdo!). It really pains me as I deserve someone to have a laugh and moan with. I am actually a very nice, empathetic, interesting person and would love to help others/get involved with other people.

I had friends through school and in early adulthood but I moved around a lot and when I had my first DC, moved somewhere totally new and due to PND, did not mix much (went to toddler groups but never really interacted with others) then went back to work. We have moved since quite a few times and have been in our current area for 7 years and I still have not made any friends, acquaintances yes. I do not have contact with my family as they are twunts and responsible for my self esteem issues (black sheep/scapegoat).

I know I look quite unapproachable at times (have been told) and that may put people off but surely not everyone! The DCs have friends but I feel they suffer from not seeing me in social environments and the fact we never have any other adults around. My worst nightmare would be that they are like me!

DH works long hours and is close to work colleagues and family members although rarely in a social way and is not bothered for himself but feels for me.

We are living in reduced circumstances at the moment and I am quite embarassed about where we live which just compounds the issue as I would not invite anyone for a coffee or dinner.

Is it just me then? EVERYONE seems to have SOMEONE, even if they piss them off. I farking hate it and would do anything to change it! It would be my greatest regret in life to remain lonely for the rest of it. What can I do??

This is one of the saddest threads I have ever read.

My children are much older now and I have met the most amazing women at ante-natal group, mother and toddler groups, church, story time at the library, the school gate, book club, and various other things that I have just come across.

I can't say I have a best friend: I have by bf from school - 100 miles away, my bf from secretarial college - 300+ miles away, gf from college - another country, bf from first job in London - round the corner, bf from dc's nursery - now 40 miles away, and not enough time to make really close friends any more but lots and lots of acquaintances.

I think it helps because I have only lived in three homes since 1981 and they have all been within a mile of each other. If it helps there was a point when I had a lot of close friends nearby but by the time their dc were school age they had all moved away and I was sad about that.

Is it to do with your outlook - I'm not an extrovert by the way but I'm told people come to me because I'm always smiling and cheerful and positive.

My commiserations to fellow lonelies.

I think I am pretty much like you Meerkat.

I am not sure in what context the 'unapproachable' comment was made in. I have been compared to an 'Amazonian' on a few occasions so can only presume I look fierce! I never shout at the DCs (in public) though and always plaster a smile to my face so I am really not sure and I have never got close enough to anyone (not related) for them to really tell me what they think of me . I have often had the urge to approach a random school mum and ask them if they think I look odd and will they please talk to me .

That's me too!! I am a very socialable person. My family all come to me to plan events... However, that's my family!

I don't have one friend.

I have tried. One lady, have invited several times to do things with, but she always doesn't show. Another lady, we got along well, but I couldn't handle how she abused her dogs in my eyes...

I live out of town, and I don't have many options near by.

I miss having someone to chat with, have coffee with, go shopping with, or whatever!!!!!!

I've been a stay at home mom you might as well say for 20 yrs... Now my youngest children are in school, I'm going back to school!! Sure, I'll be the oldest person there...but for me... I just want to socialable again...

My Xh went back to school, and I counted on him for event/and socializing. I use to host parties and gatherings just to be part of it.

My current partner is a truck driver so, he doesn't know anyone...

It's up to me to find someone!

I sure can relate to you....

I don't think I have friend making skills! I get told that I am kind and approachable and I will talk to pretty much everyone. It just never seems to turn into proper friendship.

I moved to my DP's home town when I was 34 weeks pg with DC1 and didn't know a soul. When DD was a few weeks old, I did what a MNer up thread did, and treated our local Surestart centre as though it was a pulling party. If I liked the person I was chatting to, I'd give them my number and ask them to phone if they wanted to meet up for coffee. It eventually paid off and for the first year, I had a great group of friends.

However, by the time DC2 came along, we'd sort of drifted apart and I think the loneliness I felt contributed to my stress/depression. I found another mum in a similar circumstance to me (SAHM, no family, 2 DCs close together) and we eventually became really close. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her.

What I'm saying, OP, in a rather long winded, cack handed way, is you need to continue making an effort and if you do want to make friends, it WILL happen. You may have a few false starts, but so what? Good luck.

Making new friends can be as scary as dating but I have learnt you have to be prepared to put yourself out there or nothing will ever happen. It takes balls to say to someone do they want to swap numbers and get together sometime for a coffee, it doesn't come easy to me either. Thing is I have made myself get on with it and now I find I'm quite good at making new friends and it only takes a couple of coffees before you're having a laugh and finding common ground. I couldn't bear for my children to grow up never seeing me with friends, if I hadn't had kids I probably would have carried on with the same two very good friends who lived miles away but now I also have 5 or 6 good friends locally and it has changed my life and my kids have a good role model now in that way. But it is not easy to put yourself out there, especially in the beginning when you feel such a billy no mates!! Maybe set a goal, to invite one person out for coffee and see how your confidence grows. Oh and anyone who judges your house is an arse anyway. Good luck!!

OP and all lonely posters, I have so much sympathy for us all. I too have friend issues and feel lonely.

I hope this post doesn't come out weird but I just wrote a novel and then lost the whole thing so I'm now really pee'd off and don't want to type it all out again but still want to post. (aarrggghhhh)

OP, you said you had some acquaintances. Can you work on building these relationships into friendships? Can you find some ways to spend more in-depth time with these people, walk in the park, meet at the pub or something? If you already know these people, you may be able to deepen something into a friendship.

So, I'll jump straight into my "Meeting People" tips. I have made some acquaintances, if not friends, despite having moved to different countries 3 times:

1. Talk to anyone and everyone. Just say hello, or ask after their kids, or make inane chit-chat - weather, long queue, terrible decor, etc. Just get chatting - you can sort out who to keep later.

1. Never turn down an invitation. Go to anything and everything you can. it might be fun and if it's awful, you might enjoy it being awful with someone nice you meet. Go to all work do's, school events, local community events, etc etc

1. Don't stand on ceremony. If you had a nice chat with someone, follow it up. Say something like "I really enjoyed talking with you, would you like to get a coffee now / sometime / next time?" or "It was really nice talking to you, would you like to meet up again sometime?"

1. Try to take lack of interest / rejection in your stride. Most people, especially those with kids, have very busy lives. They just might not want to add someone to their social circle at all or until they have got to know you quite well.

OK, I hope this helps someone.

OP, you sound a good person, I hope things work out better for you soon xxx

I too can identify with this. I moved here from oz years ago and never had problem making friends but since having first baby I find myself completely friendless :(

I have really "put myself out there" in terms of meeting new people by going to classes, children's centres and even meeting strangers from the Internet but I am yet to make a proper friend.

I went to try on wedding dresses on my own and will never forget how bloody lonely and sad that was!

Makinganewstart - why don't you just approach a random mum and say "isn't it a lovely day - and tell her something positive about her dc (won a race, reads well, very sociable, pretty) - people love compliments about their dc. Say hello to a new mum every day and when they say hello back take it a bit further and if they walk the same way walk with them. Just natter about the weather, a new shop, flowers in people's front gardens, what you're having for tea. Be interested in them and don't forget they might be feeling just like you.

I am the same. I have 2 friends in the whole world. 1 lives in Miami and one is an alcoholic and wont meet me anywhere but a pub where he lives (my home town 2 hours away) and when we do meet he is pissed and slurring argumentative .

I used to have lots but after splitting up with my husband i lost them all. I have tried clubs, pottery, french. But no one wants to make friends.

I think one of the reasons I wanted a baby so much was to meet people without looking like a freak. (am 21wks pg now)

Same here. I did meet some other Mums at toddler groups and went out with them a few times but lost touch when they all started nursery cos they were all on the other side of town and going to different nurseries. Part of the problem for me is that everyone in my town seems to have lived here all their lives and already have close friends/family. Oh and I have hearing problems.

Part of me doesn't mind but it would be good to go out and have a laugh every now and then. I was worried about DS being anti-social but he's really blossomed at nursery the last term or 2 and now plays with/talks to anyone :)

Do you like to read? Would you consider a book club? It just strikes me as a particularly nice way to meet new people. I used to do a Zumba class and the woman who taught the class was great for arranging nights out and also a Zumba holiday (a week in Turkey). Just a thought. I think you deserve some really great female friends (I only have a few but they are outstanding)! All the best with it.

marriedinwhite excellent advice thank you. Similar to what I read in 'How to Make Friends and Influence People', the book that has been sitting on my bookshelf for a year that I need to read again!

Goddammit - I am going to bloody well do just that. If anybody on here gets accosted in the next few days by a tall, slightly hefty, fierce looking blonde admiring their shoes, hair, DCs, in a rather awkward way, please don't run away screaming bear with me!!

Oooh I would love a book club. I devour books (not literally) and when I find a good one I will neglect everything except feeding the DCs in order to finish it within a day or 2. I have never seen any in my area and we are frequent library visitors so I will definitely ask there first.

I really appreciate all your replies. Don't feel like such a freak now .

Hi Making, just to let you know that there is an Essex Mums forum (just Google Essex Mums) - I haven't used it much but it seems quite active, more so in the Southend area I think.

I moved a year ago, I can't say I was in your situation entirely as my family is around here, but I was sad to leave friends behind. I went to a few toddler groups but my Best Thing was going to NCT coffee mornings. People host them in their own houses so I found people kind of have to talk to you unlike toddler groups where it is perfectly possible to be completely ignored. But it depends on how old your children are (tend to be preschoolers) and also if NCT is your thing, as I know it can come across as quite judgey although I didn't find it so.

I don't have any either! Mumsnet is my lifeline.

Quite a few of the cafes around here have book groups/ knitting club/ board game days so might be worth Looking around your local area? I have yet to be brave enough to actually go

I think finding a common interest is good. I you like walking what about a walking group? A choir?

I'm in Essex OP - where abouts are you?

I have only ever made friends through work or school because it takes so long for me to get comfortable with people!
Be yourself :)

I have quite a few friends, but when I was younger I had real problems making friends. DP taught me my friend making skills - I know that sounds pathetic. But I think they are:

1. Talk to people, especially someone else by themself e.g. at school gate, they will probably be grateful for it.
2. Be friendly and smiley
3. Don't take it personally if someone you talk to isn't friendly.

1. Make allowances for people. So if a mum you talked to at the school gate is off with you once, don't automatically think it is personal, she could just be having a bad day.
2. Don't try and flog a dead horse. So if you don't hit it off with someone you talked to, try with someone else. It is like dating in that there needs to be friend chemistry if you know what I mean.
3. Don't put up with users just because you are desperate to have a friend. It will only make you unhappy.

1. Suggest a meet up with people you want to get to know, but keep it low key e.g. a coffee at yours or meeting up in the park together if you don't want them back to your house.
2. Share stuff about yourself, but don't overshare. Hard balance to get if this is an issue for you, but - nobody will confide or feel close to someone who says nothing about themself and how they are feeling. But if you tell them your life story soon after meeting you, they will think you are needy and will avoid you.

1. There are always opportunities to make friends - neighbours, P&T groups, etc.

Hope this is helpful. It does occur to me that it would make sense for those on this thread who want a friend to post the area they live in, in case there is someone else on this thread who wants to meet up as they live close by.

Actually I have read research which says after peopel have lived somewhere for - I think 5 years - there is no difference in number of friends between newcomers and those who have always lived there. I guess because if you have friend making skills you can udse them wherever you live.

Timing !
God all my friends (with and without children) work full time and I'm a SAHM so find it lonely during the day . . . I joined an ante natal group but have effectively been 'dumped' - its very clique-y, the 2 friends I made have both moved away and the others are all chummy. Was on Facebook and 3 of them posted their kids birthday party pics with the all the other mothers/kids from the group, my DS was the only one not invited. Now that hurt ! sighs I vowed I wouldn't let this school type behaviour get to me but it sometimes it does. Its unfortunate that I live in a wealthy suburb in the poorest street - so I am by far the poorest in the group (i get the imression one really looks down her nose at that).

I totally understand how that would be hurtful. Is there anything else group wise, you could go to?