To feel like the only person in the world who's totally FRIENDLESS?

[MakingANewStart]

Can't understand how it happened and hate it that it has but I am TOTALLY friendless (apart from DH and I drive him nuts going on about it). I feel like I must to abnormal and weird but I'm not. I look the same as any other mother of 4 (knackered and a bit stressed) and looking at me nobody would ever realise my dirty little secret (friendless weirdo!). It really pains me as I deserve someone to have a laugh and moan with. I am actually a very nice, empathetic, interesting person and would love to help others/get involved with other people.

I had friends through school and in early adulthood but I moved around a lot and when I had my first DC, moved somewhere totally new and due to PND, did not mix much (went to toddler groups but never really interacted with others) then went back to work. We have moved since quite a few times and have been in our current area for 7 years and I still have not made any friends, acquaintances yes. I do not have contact with my family as they are twunts and responsible for my self esteem issues (black sheep/scapegoat).

I know I look quite unapproachable at times (have been told) and that may put people off but surely not everyone! The DCs have friends but I feel they suffer from not seeing me in social environments and the fact we never have any other adults around. My worst nightmare would be that they are like me!

DH works long hours and is close to work colleagues and family members although rarely in a social way and is not bothered for himself but feels for me.

We are living in reduced circumstances at the moment and I am quite embarassed about where we live which just compounds the issue as I would not invite anyone for a coffee or dinner.

Is it just me then? EVERYONE seems to have SOMEONE, even if they piss them off. I farking hate it and would do anything to change it! It would be my greatest regret in life to remain lonely for the rest of it. What can I do??

whyme = school is a brilliant way of meeting people..start talking to the mum next to you who looks friendly with a toddler in a pram. invite someone around after school to play...or for a coffee after drop off. i used to do breakfast...pick up a couple of scones at the bakers and have a cuppa or some toast. there are ALWAYS starving mums out there who need fed! LOL

making a new start...our library has mothers and toddlers group..surely you should find someone who is more literary than most to talk to there?

Ok,haven't read the thread, so I don't know if anyone has suggested this.But,you say you had friends at school? Get on fb and find them!
Have YOU tried approaching people at school? I think the onus is on you here to get out there and do the work. People aren't gonna come knocking at the door begging to be your friend!

I have recently moved away from every single person I know.
I moved from the Uk to NZ. I have been here since Nov and probably have more friends than I had in the UK. I have 1 dc who is 5,at school,and 2 pre schoolers. I have made friends with neighbours,school mums,nursery mums,playgroup mums,hairdresser,facial lady,motel owners!!!
I am a socially lazy person and also have self esteem issues. I find it really hard to put myself out there. But,I have had to,and I'm glad I did.
I think you probably have to try a bit harder

I'm friendless too.

I have people from work that I meet up with occasionally but I wouldn't really class them as close friends. I've always had at least one close friend but I lost a few friends through my last relationship and I've distanced myself from a few as I didn't like their lifestyles e.g. they just wanted to go out drinking all the time.

LOL at lovebunny!

OP I feel for you, and I think alot of struggle with this at time

I sometimes feel like I am everyones "second best" but noones "first best" friend

I would personally focus on hobbies and personal interests first

xxxxx

Can I join this sad bunch?
I have the same issues you all describe. I have no friends and feel jealous of other mums who seem so well connected. If I try to attend social events and chat to people it usually doesn't lead anywhere. I try to give too much in the hope that will make me good friends with someone and then end up bitterly disappointed if they don't do the same for me. I posted on MN local when I was pregnant asking if someone wanted to meet up and had no replies
But....
I feel hugely better knowing that I'm not the only one feeling like this and who knows perhaps some of the people I know who look so well connected feel the same and I just don't realise it!

I often wonder lately if actually I am a bit odd for not wanting many friends and for dropping lots in the past few years? I used to want to be out all the time at coffee mornings, round friends' houses, soft play centres etc but now I really enjoy my own (and DS's) company and just can't be bothered with it all. The thought of trying to make new friends, more people to have to bother with and arrange to meet up with, fills me with horror right now.

I'm not depressed at all, quite the opposite really. I guess I've just discovered who I am since having counselling.

Ah, disco sometimes it does, but I DP enjoy my own company on the rare occasion I am on my own.

I think I might be a bit pushy and obnoxious as well, which doesn't help! .

I'm going to read all the advice upthread now!

Me either.

I used to but I no longer have any money for going out, or even really having people round.

I live in a sort of bubble of work and children and working out how to get through the next week, and just pray it'll pick up at some point...

*do, not DP.

I feel like this too a lot of the time. I know a lot of people to say hello to or to pass the time of day to (neighbours, parents at school and nursery etc) but only have two friends where I live (and I've lived here for 8 years) plus a couple of good friends who lives hundreds of miles away and so I see them once a year and occasionally speak on the phone. I would love to have a good group of friends to go out with etc but for some reason it's not happened for me since living here. I have had groups of good friends in previous parts of my life (i.e. whilst at school, uni and one of my workplaces) but for some reason not now. I know I won't keep all of my friends (close and not so close) forever and it's not so much that I'm not as close to older friends as I once was, more that I can't seem to make any more now. My old friends all seem to have moved onto new phases of their lives and made loads of new friends but I just haven't.

I am quite shy and so sometimes get tongue-tied or say slightly daft things and am sure that sometimes I don't look approachable (although not sure why). When dd started school last year I walked in every day with smile and tried to say hello to people I recognised but so many people just ignored me. It is better now, there are several people I have become friendly with (and there is a mum's night out soon) but so often I find it hard to sustain a conversation as I will ask questions about people's lives etc , e.g. where are you going on holiday, what did you do over the Easter hols etc, but very often this isn't reciprocated. Alot of the people I talk to seem to be like me so perhaps they are as shy and unsure as I am. Some people are very easy to talk to but I don't often seem to end up chatting to them. I don't have much confidence so often convince myself that no-one is interested in talking to me or being my friend. I just wish that I could take these relationships the next step forward and become good friends with a few people. It really does feel like this is it for me friends wise as it has been so long like this.

I'm in Essex too if anyone is bored and wants a chat :)

I have 2 friends that I've known since infant school, but I rarely see them to be honest. For some reason I always end up feeling shit about myself after seeing one, while the other is really unreliable. I wish I'd made more of my maternity leave to be honest and made some mum friends but borderline PND and a high-need boob-monster DS made that seem impossible.

Another Essex one here OP! I'm in Leigh on Sea if thats any good to you :)

You sound lovely, making and if I was anywhere near Essex I'd happily meet up.

However, friendships are very much a moveable thing. When my dcs were small I had a group of friends with whom our main interest in common was having similarly aged dcs. I no longer see any of them but I've not counted this as losing friends, more that we've moved into different phases of our lives.

I come across as someone whose very gregarious with quite a diverse friendship group (I'm involved in quite a lot of activities) but actually, I'm very private deep down and I'm cautious about getting into very heavy, soul-searching type friendships. I had the misfortune to be drawn into an alleged friendship with a very controlling person last summer and was quite horrified to see how an so-called adult still used playground bully techniques on various, rather more vulnerable people than I who she carefully built a culture of dependency with. She was a complete user and when I chose not to engage in her games turned quite astonishingly nasty. Which rather confirmed in me the certainty that it is better to have a wider variety of less intense friendships. Even if these will change as your circumstances alter.

So my advice would be to try and make some easy-going, meet for a coffee type friends. Get involved in activities that interest you. Don't look for too much from the outset and be friendly but not too quick to confide. Also, and I know this can be difficult if you have low self esteem, don't take things too personally - in other words, if someone says they're a bit busy over the next couple of weeks, they may well mean exactly this. Not that they are disinterested in forming a friendship. Most people are far less confident than they may appear on the surface.

I struggle with this too, made worse by the fact that I'm 'out of sync' with everyone my age so feel I don't fit in anywhere. I'm 23 but married and have a daughter, own a house etc.
I've tried groups, book clubs, NCT etc but around here at least everyone in them is over 40 at least, so while we had a nice chat, I didn't make any firm friends. We're much poorer as well, so lots of the activites they met at were just too expensive!
Local mums groups looked promising, and I was really friendly but we live in quite a deprived area and I'm at medical school. When I tell people this they often back off, so I feel I don't fit with other mums either.
I did make some groups of friends, but I'm always the one who ends up being left out/sees on facebook that everyone has met up without me.

If anyone is near Liverpool I need friends!

Alot of great advice here... (oh, I changed my nickname, and I guess my old one still is seen too! sorry)

I do invite people. I'm sick of no shows! The worst part is, the next time I see them, they act like nothing happened. No apology or excuse nothing.

I'm never invited places.

When I do meet with some one, and we click... (or at least I thought we did) I suggest coffee, etc. and it's always, sure! but nope...........

I don't want to feel needy... or pushy.

Sound: Yes, it hurts when your the one being left out.... I know... There was a dog walking group here, and I did with them quite a bit, and all of a sudden, they stopped inviting me. I would see them walk by with their dogs.... (I'd pretend I didn't see them, cause it hurt!!!) I have even said to one girl, I'll go with you... nope... she walks on by... After being sad/hurt, I get MAD...

No wonder I resorted to not doing much...sick of rejection!!! HOWEVER...going back to school so things hopefully will look up!

I only have 3 friends
My oldest friend from my 20's,she is 7 years younger than me & single,so we don't get together as often as we used to.
My next door neighbour,who me & dh socalise with most weekends.
My ex dp,who due to work & dc's I only get to see once in a blue moon.
I have 2 dd's,my youngest has special needs & although its awful to say I think if I had more friends I simply could not fit them into my life.I am so busy.
I prefer too to be around people who are understanding about dd2's problems,so that cuts out making new friends as most people don't want that burden.
But I am happy with the friends I have as they are people who have stuck by me no matter what & that means alot.
I cannot envisage making anymore close friends in the future & that is probably pretty sad,isn't it??

Hi MakingaNewStart and other posters, I just wondered if anyone had an update for this thread. Has anybody put any of this advice into action and seen any changes?

Friendship has been on my mind for some weeks now. What is a friend? What is an acquaintance? Does one ever become the other? How do you know when you're good friends with people, rather than just knowing them for ages? I seem to know a lot of people but it all seems very superficial. It felt like there was no-one I could really talk to. It also seemed that no-one ever wanted my help, if something was wrong, I just wouldn't hear from them until it was over, which made my friendships seem quite one-way i.e. me always being needy! I've also recently fallen out with a friend, which has made me even more paranoid and insecure about how I relate to people. So I'm hoping someone, especially the OP, can come on and say this has really worked / helped!

PS Anyone in the East Midlands need a slightly desperate and needy but well-intentioned new best friend?

There are constantly threads on here about somone's lack of friends or loneliness so we can presume that all those people out there who seem to be surrounded with good friends and family often aren't! So OP you are not alone.

There are Louise Hay's books to read which give you affirmations which help to build self -esteem and I can say that they definitely work. You can Heal your LIfe, is one.

These books are a bit flowery for British tastes but if you are desperate anything is worth a try. And there are many other books too, look in any book shop or online.

I know that if I am feeling relaxed in myself, and happy then I find myself chatting with everyone, the checkout girl, the coldcaller selling double glazing, anyone- and couldn't care less whether I have a special friend or 20. But on a bad day if I feel depressed and alone somehow an invisible barrier is there keeping people at bay.

You need to start some positive thinking and affirmations to change your beliefs about yourself then life will change for the better naturally. Get yourself to the bookshop!

I'm like hexagonal, I choose to not have any friends, and I much prefer it. I don't trust anyone, and the only people in my life are my family - my two DDs, my parents and my sister.

It's freeing and I like it.

Bloody hell :(

You know I have some really really lovely friends I met on here. OP, create a quiche, and before you know it you'll be on meet-ups and confiding your darkest secrets.

I have so much fun on here, but it has definitely made me realise that I need to schedule RL friends in like I do haircuts and dentist appointments.

I met a woman in the park before DS's op the other week and haven't been back since, as he has been recovering, though I said I was there by the paddling pool most evenings. We have the same first name and she was a Teacher who was living with the in laws having moved back from NZ. She was so friendly and normal. I should've got her number because she was looking for mums to hang out with. Do PM me if you see this and want to meet up for a good old moan chat.

Ditto the mum of two at flat 50 in my block. You seem so nice and confident and a great mum, I am totally intimidated by you! But would love to hang out.

Also woman who worked for Shelter I met at postnatal exercise, you were brilliant and the first of all your friends to have a baby.

I should really get people's numbers. Doh.

What do you mean about 'trust anyone'?

I am a fairly open book. I used to panic about being outed on here and then I realised I tell everyone everything anyway :)

The woman at number 50. Stick a note through her letterbox.

I have sent a bloke a letter before, becuase I didn't have his number and I wanted to have some more sex.

I think friendship is more important than sex.

What's the worst that can happen?

Some of these answers made me laugh. The OP says she has NO friends. So people reply "I know how you feel, my best friend has just moved away!" or "I'm in the same situation, I've only got 3 close friends" ?!

I genuinely am in that situation - or I was until last year, I tracked down an old friend on Friends Reunited.

I've recently started going to an activity only been a couple of times, but felt like some of them could become friends. Just found out this week that the original organiser is pulling out. Not only was she the one I clicked most with, also I worry the group will fall apart without her.

So I guess you just keep trying and trying, and using different methods (mumsnet, Friends Reunited, toddler groups, book groups, dog-walking, special interest groups, I even considered joining the Womens Institute at one point)

Or, as someone else said, enjoy your own company. Surf the net and become obsessed with the Fortean Times or the Big Bad Baby Names websites.