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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to leave church because not child friendly

121 replies

Ginga66 · 15/04/2012 14:49

I go to the Birmingham oratory and was married there, ds baptized etc. Their 'family' mass is at noon but my son is not one for sitting quietly and is very active. There is no crying room, no baby change etc. There is a little courtyard where he was playing today until some attendant came out and told him to get off the gravel. I said they should provide somewhere he coukd play, he said control ur child, I said go away little man ANC he said ' the worst i can wish for u is that ur child grows up as I'll mannered as u'. At that point I was speechless. I had lots of retorts about how pathetic an example of Christianity he was bug did not want a slanging match as I am also seven months pregnant. This is not the first incident. Some one else told him off for just hiding behind a curtain. There was a sermon about sitting quietly etc etc. I am really fed up. I am catholic but it seems to je these celibate men have no idea how to accommodate families and I don't think their attitude is at all representative of jesus. I can't Stand the intolerance ANC I am tired of how old fashioned they are, I mean not even a chsnginroom. I don't know of a catholic church with a crying room in brum where he cld play so I think I will have to stop going altogether. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
ll31 · 15/04/2012 14:52

tbh think you were first to be rude so yabu. Regarding your child, depends how old he is - if he's 3 or 4 I'd assume he should be able to be kept sitting and relatively quiet.. having said that most churches have family rooms so yanbu in wishing they had one too!

Not quite sure what them being celibate has to do with it - presumably celibate men were born into families, have siblings, nephews, nieces etc etc etc

curiositykitten · 15/04/2012 14:52

I have no idea what ANC is so not sure if I understood all of your post.

However, if you told him to "go away little man", I'm not surprised he commented on your ill-manners!

kickmewhenimdown · 15/04/2012 14:55

you were a little bit rude but YANBU. And churches wonder why their popularity is diminishing?

Kladdkaka · 15/04/2012 14:55

Find a different type of church. I left my local Catholic church for the same reasons when my daughter was little. Evil glares because started to sing 'happy birthday' every time she saw the candles.

We ended up going to a free church where the kids had a great time.

lolajane2009 · 15/04/2012 14:57

tbh i think you should find a different church as it is obvious this one doesnt suit you. Additionally, I am not surprised by that man's comments after how you spoke to him.

Bue · 15/04/2012 14:57

What is ANC?

Surely there are more family-orientated churches you could try? I find it difficult to believe that there are no Catholic churches in the city that cater to families!

MadamFolly · 15/04/2012 14:57

Find a less crap Church

lolajane2009 · 15/04/2012 14:58

my coe church is very friendly tbh.

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2012 15:00

Churches have survived for hundreds of years with no 'child/baby' facilities.

They're mainly dependent upon parents looking after/controlling their own children which is what he was trying to explain to you by the sound of it.

You'll be campaigning for P&C spaces next....

tiggyhat · 15/04/2012 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SauvignonBlanche · 15/04/2012 15:04

Attending mass can be hard with toddlers but planning ahead helps.
Have quiet toys and books to hand. colouring books can be great, always have a snack and a drink in your bag.
Choose your mass time carefully so that it suits your family, I didn't go to the family service as the timing didn't suit.
I don't expect churches to have a dedicated changing room and have never seen one.
If you don't like your church try another, there's a lot around.

giveitago · 15/04/2012 15:08

ANC is the African National Congress, isn't it?

OP depends on your faith - if you're a catholic then find another catholic church to go to that is more child friendly.

But what if you don't find one...?

I can't imagine a child sitting still for a long period of time. My dh is catholic and desperate for ds to be one too. And ds does talk about Jesus quite a bit (after his dad has been talking to him) so I way- OK then, let's take you to church on sunday and he goes 'aah no thanks'. Church is church I guess. It has its rules and regulations and its traditions.

sausagerolemodel · 15/04/2012 15:09

Ok bit of a random google so probably nowhere near you, but this place seems quite family friendly.

www.saintmarysharborne.org.uk/index.html

The oratory sounds very unsupportive of the needs of families with young children and I am appalled that anyone would deliberately make you feel so bad. Your son is the congregation of the future, so if churches want to halt the decline in numbers they should be welcoming the fact that young people are attending and help them to do so.

Could the Union of catholic mothers help with finding a good church?

www.theucm.co.uk/

I am now agnostic (or a reluctant atheist) but was brought up in church of Scotland. The church my mum attends has a kids corner in the main church and is very tolerant of toddlers and includes noise and toys as part of the package that says 'our arms are open'. That's the way I think all churches should be.

TheFallenMadonna · 15/04/2012 15:09

I don't like crying rooms. In our family mass, the families with toddlers tend to sit in one ghetto aisle and nobody minds a bit of wandering.

Calling someone a little man is no way to win friends and influence people...

WilsonFrickett · 15/04/2012 15:11

Catholic churches make no concessions to children - they believe children should sit quietly and take part in the mass. tbh I'm surprised that this is a surprise to you - it's the way its always been. I have many totally rubbish memories of being told off, taken out and otherwise sat on during mass - it's just the way it is I'm afraid.

MagsAloof · 15/04/2012 15:12

Not religious, but DH was RC (I say 'was', note).

I stopped attending church with him because the RC churches near us (all three of them) are hideously un-child friendly, especially for SN children (one of our children is autistic). One church had a 'children's mass' once a week which was basically a horrible, Cruella-type catechist telling boring stories about God to the kids, who were still expected to sit quietly and listen avidly for 2 hours.

I lost patience one day when some sort of lay preacher type character (or whatever they're called) told my 3 yr old AS son off for sitting on the floor rather than the bench during Christmas morning mass (sitting quietly, I might add), and then asked me to leave because my 4 wk old baby cried (for literally 30 seconds during a very noisy song, when others around didnt bat an eyelid and even smiled at us).
I stood up in the middle of the mass and said very loudly 'I wonder if God shares your Christian attitude? Have fun celebrating the birth of BABY Jesus' and marched out.

Even DH found it funny. He left the Catholic Church not long afterwards....Wink

blackeyedsusan · 15/04/2012 15:13

hmmm do they not follow the man who told the disciples off for trying to usher the children away?

find another church. one that welcomes children and has reasonable facilities for them. one that does not mind a bit of noise and commotion.

LesAnimaux · 15/04/2012 15:15

Try to find a friendlier church (hopefully someone will recommend one to you)

Our old priest used to throw in "Jesus loved children" into his homily whenever children started playing up during mass. I think he was brought to the parish to encourage more families.

Our new one doesn't quite get how challenging being a parent is (unlike most men his age who would have young grandchildren). I think he was brought to the parish to sort out the finances.

Fayrazzled · 15/04/2012 15:16

How old is your child? TBH, I didn't really take mine to mass regularly until they were about 4, although I was fortunate in the sense I could leave them with my husband who isn't a Catholic and actually, under church rules children don't have to attend mass until they reach the age of reason- about 7. Once they were 4 then I did expect them to sit quietly in the bench with me. I take books for mine to read (now 6 and 4)- other families take colouring in or small toys to keep the children occupied. Once the children are 4 they can go out to the children's liturgy group. Does your church have one of these?

The toddler years are hard- toddlers don't understand they need to keep still or quiet, and they are too young to negotiate with, but most people do manage them in mass ok. Our church doesn't have a side chapel (I think this is what you mean by 'crying room') but parents take disruptive children to the back. Most people understand the difficulties for young children, but I think it is a bit much for people to put up with running up and down, for example, when they are trying to pray.

Like other posters have said, try another church if you feel unwelcome. I imagine Birmingham oratory is rather formal in its approach- almost like a Cathedral. Perhaps you would be better in a more local parish church? I have to say though, it does sound like you were rude to the man who approached you.

TheFallenMadonna · 15/04/2012 15:16

2 hours?

Mass is one hour. 45 minutes Christmas morning. I thought all priests knew that.

DH is CofE and says it's the best thing about RC churches - short sermons...

MagsAloof · 15/04/2012 15:20

Nooooo, what RC church do you go to? Our regular masses were 1 hr 15 mins and the doors were locked Grin Shock, Xmas day was shorter. Midnight mass on Xmas Eve ended at about 3am Shock

LesAnimaux · 15/04/2012 15:20

TheFallenMadonna, if only that were a law! We have 1.5 hours every Sunday morning (Don't get me started on how long and dull Christmas morning was!) My Irish friends assure me mass is only 45 minutes over there.

MagsAloof · 15/04/2012 15:22

It depend son the priest. My aunty's church in Ireland does a 40 min mass. The church my granny used to go to (also in Ireland) did 90 mins minimum, often longer. We were forced to go when we went back for holidays...

COCKadoodledooo · 15/04/2012 15:22

Y were BU in the way you spoke to him! No need for it at all. Maybe you should take a look in the mirror before you start complaining of unChristian attitudes in others?

I wouldn't take my child to a church that was intolerant of children, there are plenty that aren't (the majority I'd suggest).

I also wouldn't expect a church to change just for me/my family (was brought up CofE, they don't do change well!).

TheFallenMadonna · 15/04/2012 15:23

What?!

I have lived in and attended Mass in Kent, London, Scotland, Bradford and now East Anglia. All one hour, tops!