Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to want to take DC's to FIL's Funeral?

105 replies

CalmerChameleon · 13/04/2012 20:34

DH has asked me to ask you lot for your opinion on this: Sadly, FIL passed away last week, his funeral is next week. We had planned to take our 3 DCs: 19 months, 4 & 5yrs, to his funeral. One of my earliest memories is of my parents leaving me behind when they went to the funeral of a beloved cousin.

My SIL, with older kids, is very shocked that we were planning to take ours. There are 5 other cousins, all older and all going. I feel strongly that family is family, and a little noise from small people is part of the 'rich tapestry of life' (DH's words).

Also, I don't think that we do kids any favours by shielding them from the only certainty in life, and that's death. But now we are questioning how fair it is on them to take them along.

Any experiences / opinions to share, please?

OP posts:

Debeez · 13/04/2012 20:40

That must be a really difficult and painful early memory but from personal experience I'm not on board with small ones at funerals. They're long and emotive. I only disagree as there's nothing worse than a loud awkward question, wanting to run around, badly timed comment during what is meant to be a dignified send off.

Can there be a compromise with SIL? Kids at wakes can be amazing, they get to hear stories about their loved one and are a reminder of the circle and the rich tapestry.

signet2012 · 13/04/2012 20:42

I think if you think the children can handle it then why not. Death is a very natural and normal part of life and to be honest I don't think hiding things from a child is the way forward. However bear in mind your husband and probably yourself will be very upset, as will a lot of other people who DC are close to. This may be uncertain and upsetting for them, you will need to be able to comfort them accordingly, and perhaps take them out if it is too much/little one starts making too much noise. Your DH will need your support too, will he feel able to grieve openly infront of his children? It may be a bit awkward being pulled in all areas.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 13/04/2012 20:42

If i could arrange a sitter for the youngest i would, not for his sake, but so he doesnt disturb anyone else... i know thats not pc or whatever, but you can explain to, and keep quiet the older two, 19 month old wont understand whats going on and certainly wont remember. Even if you were to nip out with him that could disturb other mourners.

Id take them all along to the wake though where things are usually a little less intense.

tazzle · 13/04/2012 20:43

My children were 7 and 5 when MIL died and we took them with us to the funeral. We answered questions simply and appropriately to their age. I agree that a funeral is a family saying goodbye. Our eldest cried a little ...neither of them appeared traumatised by it.

for children it can be a way of helping them to understand that GP has not just disappeared and what happens when we die and what happens to his body.

curiositykitten · 13/04/2012 20:44

Do/would the kids want to go? Does you DH want them there? He may find the day difficult, especially so if he feels he has to hold it together for the kids.

For me (my kids are 3 and 7 by the way) I wouldn't, but would possibly consider taking them to the wake if it wasn't going to upset any of the direct family.

hoops997 · 13/04/2012 20:45

I work at a Crematorium and have seen numrous young children at funerals, it's not right IMO, many of them see the adults upset and start wailing, very distracting to not only the main mourners but the officiant who's taking the service as well.....young children should not go to funerals.

ChronicToothAche · 13/04/2012 20:46

I wouldn't take them. I didn't go to my DM funeral age 4. I'm glad. I personally think that children need to be old enough to appreciate that other people will be feeling intense grief, and old enough for other people to not have to worry about them at all. I would say age 9 at the very youngest.

chocolatchaud · 13/04/2012 20:46

I wouldn't take mine (around the same ages as yours). I would be worried about them running off, chattering etc as debeez says. It's not like a wedding where a little noise can be amusing - most people take funerals pretty seriously.

I would also be concerned about being upset in front of them - particularly as I am a bit of a blubberer anyway.

Totally agree with taking them to the wake - this is the part where everyone is ready for being cheered up, and children are fantastic at breaking the ice.

Sorry that you have lost your FIL.

Hanleyhigh · 13/04/2012 20:48

I agree with tazzle. Our dc have been to funerals, had a little cry, gone to the wake and had some fun, just had the chance to say goodbye. It helped them understand that grandad had died, why he had gone from their lives.

One thing I do think is that they need to stay quite quiet - my cousin let his two year old talk really loudly at my nana's funeral and most of us couldn't hear the service so that wasn't great. I think you need to be prepared to take the child out/have someone who'll take them for you if they're too noisy.

YouChangeWithTheWeather · 13/04/2012 20:48

Could you all go, but with your parents or a friend who could take any upset/misbehaving children out as required?

Personally, as long as they are appropriately prepared, I think it's good for children to be there.

lesley33 · 13/04/2012 20:49

I think it depends tbh. Some 4 and 5 year olds can sit and be quiet during a service, particularly if they are used to going to church. If that is the case then its fine. My DN AND DN went to family funeral at this age, but they were used to being taken to church every week.

If as you imply, they will be noisy I think you need to ask MIL and all DH's siblings how they feel. If they feel a potentially noisy child would be disrespectful and would upset them, then I think it is disrespectful to take the dcs. For example a child continually shreeking during the eology so that mourners can not hear it is I think disrespectful.

I can't see what a 19 month old would get out of going to a funeral tbh.

And you have to take into account that your DCs may get upset at seeing people crying or upset including their own dad. That can be hard for very young children to see.

My other concern would be that if you are busy looking after dcs, does your dp have someone to support him during the day? Losing a parent however old they are can be very very difficult and he may need a lot of support. And I think it is impossible before a funeral to know how you will actually be on the day.

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 13/04/2012 20:52

so sorry for your loss

we brought my approx 18mth old to my dad's funeral and it wasn't great re noise/rustling of bags to get raisins, bottle, something to play with BUT after service i was really glad he was there - he was a great distraction for everyone

agree with other posters re you know your own children

DS was actually talking today about my dad and about how he was at funeral (he was only grandchild born at the time and takes great pride in this :) )

yousankmybattleship · 13/04/2012 20:53

I don't think they should go. I have recently lost a very close relative and didn't take my children who are very similar ages to yours. I thought they could be quite frightened by seeing us so upset and honestly couldn't see that they would gain anything from the experience. We just explained that we were going to a grown up event to say goodbye and that there would be plenty of opportunites for them to say goodbye too. I am very sorry for your loss.

mynewpassion · 13/04/2012 21:00

If your children can't remain relatively quiet during the service, then its an equivocally no.

Little noises drowning out or interrupting the service will upset the already upset family members and friends rather than "enrich the tapestry of life."

beanandspud · 13/04/2012 21:03

I went to my gran's funeral when DS was nearly three and since DH was away I had to take him with me (flight and overnight stay). I had intended to take him in for the service but decided not to at the last minute. Instead we walked around the garden, chatted to the undertakers, and I talked with DS about his great-granny.

After the service it was lovely to have him around and everyone commented on how nice it was that he was with me.

Although I didn't take part in the service I'd like to think that my gran knew I was there and we said goodbye in our own way.

By all means take the DC, just be prepared to change plans if necessary.

hoops997 · 13/04/2012 21:10

bean that's lovely, we have a fish tank that the children like to look at, and nice big gardens, people do tend to chat with us if they decide not to sit in the service

supernannyisace · 13/04/2012 21:11

I am not sure on this one.

My DS went to his first funeral aged 10 - I wasn't there as it was XP's father. DS did a reading too. XP is from a different culture - and I don't imagine many of the attendees would have been openly crying - they are very religious and I don't think they see death as a bad thing. I don't think I am explaining it v well - but I know what I mean.

I took him to my SGM funeral - which was almost 3 years ago - so DS was 11.5. He was pretty adult about it, but did get quite upset seeing the adults upset. He is a lot closer to family members of my side.

I don't know if I would want to take young children. I agree that it is imp;ortant that they understand about life/death etc, but at 4/5 years are they able to cope with it.

Hmm...

Babylon1 · 13/04/2012 21:14

My DH wanted our DD1 at his fathers funeral, she was only 6mths then but it made the day more bearable for him - almost as if he had to concentrate on being a dad stopped him from going to pieces xx

Maryz · 13/04/2012 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

floweryblue · 13/04/2012 21:16

I have unfortunately had to attend three funerals recently. My uncles' funerals both included some children, and they were not a distraction from the solemnity of the occassion.

My friend's funeral was full of people her age, so many of the people attending had babies, toddlers and very young children. Most people had made arrangements: disruptive children were taken outside by partners or relatives who were less involved, but there were also many light notes provided by comments or questions from young children in what was ultimately a celebration of my friend's life.

Your DH and DMIL are the people who can say yes or no to your children attending. If they want them there then they should be, if you feel some help is needed from your parents/friends who may be able to disappear the children for you if things become difficult, for whatever reason, then arrange that as well.

penguin73 · 13/04/2012 21:21

Having been to a funeral today I would say no unless you are prepared to leave if they cause a disturbance - the peace and calm of the service can bring much comfort to people who may want to pray, remember and mourn without the distraction of a talking/screaming child. I don't think children should be shielded from death, but do think the needs of the other mourners need to be considered.

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2012 22:01

Sorry for your loss.
IMO it's not about the children, it's about the other mourners. And while it's all very well taking them out if they play up, the disturbance has already started. And you can never distract a toddler quietly. Yes "a little noise from small people is part of the 'rich tapestry of life'" I don't personally believe a funeral is the right place for it.

But I'm of a different generation to most of you.

Brightspark1 · 13/04/2012 22:21

I say go, but be prepared to take them out if they get restless/ noisy out of respect for other mourners. I took my DCs to FIL's funeral against family disapproval, they behaved really well and told everyone how much they loved their grandad. Afterwards everyone said how much they lifted the mood, MIL said they helped to remind her that life goes on. And yes, a funeral should be a celebration of a person's life, part of FIL's life was that he was a great grandad.

namechangingagain · 13/04/2012 22:25

absolutely not, the youngest isnt the issue, yes death is certain, but it will be restriciting on the other mourners, many of whom (if like me) wont feel comfortable being upset in front of children that young.

Its not about you.

namechangingagain · 13/04/2012 22:25

wake is fine though

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread