to want to take DC's to FIL's Funeral?

[CalmerChameleon]

DH has asked me to ask you lot for your opinion on this: Sadly, FIL passed away last week, his funeral is next week. We had planned to take our 3 DCs: 19 months, 4 & 5yrs, to his funeral. One of my earliest memories is of my parents leaving me behind when they went to the funeral of a beloved cousin.

My SIL, with older kids, is very shocked that we were planning to take ours. There are 5 other cousins, all older and all going. I feel strongly that family is family, and a little noise from small people is part of the 'rich tapestry of life' (DH's words).

Also, I don't think that we do kids any favours by shielding them from the only certainty in life, and that's death. But now we are questioning how fair it is on them to take them along.

Any experiences / opinions to share, please?

I took DD then 18 mo to a funeral and she was a nightmare, desperate to run around, would not sit still for love no money.

However, I still think I would advise you to take your's. He was their grandad. It will help them understand he has died. No-one will mind them being kids, because they are close family, and IMHO should be there. Also I think most grandparents are proud of their gc and having them their would be a nice tribute to FIL.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

I don't subscribe to the more modern idea that funerals are a celebration of life tbh. I see them as a time for those left behind to begin the process of grieving. And I know from personal experience that the eulogy and being able to hear it, are actually really really important.

I do not like children at funerals.

I don't think it appropriate or fair towards other mourners.

Dd was 2.5 when my dad passed away and I did not want to take her. For her sake and for my own.

My dp really wanted our children at his mum's funeral. They were 18ms, 3 and 6. So we took them. They did see me cry and dp and I did have to take smallest one out at one stage. But they were fine and not traumatised by any of this.

It was held in Scotland and there were a couple of older children their. So I am not sure if it is a cultural thing. It wasn't a religious service though and dp did the eulogy.

So yabu to me.

My children went to gm funeral last year aged 10 weeks, 3, 4 and 8 years. They all behaved very well and stayed quite. If any of them had not I would have left with them of course but I was raised going to funerals no matter what age and that is what I believe in. How else are children to learn how to behave in certain situations. No body has ever as far as I am aware not cried due to kids being there, I do not get the whole not letting children seeing you be emotional. My children have seen me cry at the death of a loved one and know it is fine to do. Why make them think it is a bad thing to be emotional?

Sorry there not their and yanbu.

I think it's fine to take them. Take them out (or get others to) if they are making noise. I would probably sit quite near the back, anyway.

I'm Catholic, so it's pretty usual for DC to attend funerals. I also think it helps them to deal with the loss of the person, as it does for everyone else.

Daisy - I think it depends how upset mourners will be. I found as an adult it was hard enough to see just how upset my mum was when her mother died.

And children learn to behave by being in kind of comparable situations where the stakes aren't so high. So for example, ordinary church services.

Does it depend how close they were? If my father in law dies, I would want my children to go to his funeral - they are very very important to him. They are 12, 10 and 6 and quite used to church though. It wouldn't occur to me that they wouldn;t go - they are part of his family

Both my DDs have been to funerals, DD1 aged 2.5 to DMILs and DD2 as a BFing baby to DHs friends.

DD1 coloured through Granny's and I still have a colourful order of service somewhere. DMIL was a colourful character so it's sort of appropriate. I think if she'd have been old enough to understand it would have been difficult (also very difficult to find a bs usurer at the other end of the country).

DHs friend sadly left primary age children and his widow had introduced me to the NCT. My feeding DD2 at her DHs funeral wouldn't have bothered her at all (she quiet jalopy feed her two when we visited)

Bu usher = baby sitter

3monkeys - At those ages I totally agree with you, they should go. I do think it is more questionable with under 5's tbh.

First of all I'm sorry for your loss. We lost my FIL 18 months ago when my children were 6 months, 4 and 6. We never even considered taking them to be honest. My MIL and DH would have found it very difficult...they needed a lot of support that day, support that I felt I wanted to give myself without having to look after 3 small people. I'm also convinced that my older children would have found it very distressing to see their Dad, Nanny, Uncle and Aunty in the state they were in that day.

We did have a send off for Grandad with the kids though, they drew him a picture and we attached it to a Helium Balloon and let them go on the top of the mountains near us. It felt a more age-appropriate way to say goodbye.

All that said it's a deeply personal decision and not one I would judge you for if you decided to take them.

We did not take my kids to my Gran's funeral. (They were 5 and 2). The reasons being:

• not wanting to protect them from death, but I did want to protect them from the emotions of others. 2 of my children are very emotional and very sensitive to others emotions. They would have been deeply upset by others being upset, not by the death of my Gran, but by the crying/ mourning and I think this would have been quite difficult for them to process at that age.

• having to focus on them rather than allow myself to grieve. Funerals are important. They did not know or love her in the way I did, and I needed to mourn properly. I could not do this if I was worrying about them, or attending to their needs. It was much more important to me, and my Mum, to have the freedom to grieve properly. The world does not revolve around children.

I took dd to my grandmother's funeral when she was 9 months old because I was still breastfeeding. ds was just turned 5 and I don't think he would have understood - in fact his only question beforehand was "wow, will you get to see the bones".

I think they should not go until they really understand why they are there and can be trusted to handle it. OTH, there needs to be a point when they do go. SIL2 who went to another continent when she was in her early 20s, completely fell apart at her father's funeral - not only had she lost her dad, but she hadn't been to a funeral before either and it cannot be right, unless there are extenuating circumstances, that the first funeral an adult attends is that of a parent.

I am sorry for your loss.

Personally, I think that you should take them but have someone on hand (maybe your parents/good friend) to take the youngest ones outside if they get noisy. It's not fair to exclude them from also saying goodbye.

My DD 'started early' with funerals - that's what happens when you're an older mum . She went to her first funeral when she was 3 1/2; she has had 4 more since then and she's only 8. She has seen the lot; burial, cremation and scattered 2 lots of ashes. And behaved impeccably!

I think that a lot of it has to do with your own attitudes and how well you explain the whole procedure of the funeral/burial/cremation to your DC's, that people will be sad and will cry because they are sad to say 'goodbye'.

I don't have any issues with death & dying - it's an inevitability, and hopefully it won't be happening any time soon. But you never know!!

And that your DCs have to be very grown up at the funeral, they have to be quiet, but they won't be in trouble if they want to leave for any reason.

Keep it simple, stick to the basic facts and don't confuse them with lots of 'FIL will be with the angels in Heaven watching over you' - especially when they have just seen the coffin/burial - it just confuses them. Children are far more resiliant than we give them credit for.

You know your DCs; if you're not sure how they'll behave then have a plan B in place so they can be taken out if necessary. It's all in the planning.

There is plenty of time in a child's life to learn about/experience death without making a 4 year old go to a funeral. Nothing wrong with 'shielding' such young children IMO.

None of my close relatives would have wanted anyone crying at their funeral. Out of respect for them the relatives, including the close ones kept a grip. I don't understand all this public wailing. I read at my father's funeral and had to keep my grief checked. He would have hated it if I had not maintained my dignity.

Children should not attend before they can understandy why they are there and this varies from child to child. Not because the rest of the family has no self control. When I go I want to be buried with as little fuss as possible so that no-one has to make a show of anything. When they have come to terms with it, let there be a memorial service at which all are welcome.

PS. We did take them to the burial, but we left them in a room with a friend of ours while we attended the burial. This meant they did follow the hearse and have some part in the funeral/ talk about death/ see some level of 'upset', without being actually there for the 'raw emotion'. I don't think it's about teaching children that showing emotions is wrong, I just think the sheer level of emotion at a funeral is a lot for children to deal with.

So sorry for you and your DHs loss.

We took DS1 to DMs funeral when he was 16 months old. He was obviously too young to know what was going on and DH took him out at one stage when he started to cry, but at the gathering afterwards it was lovely that he was there as he brought some lightness and joy to what was obviously a sad occasion.
When DFIL died two years later, we again took him ( now about 3 1/2) and DS2, aged 9 months.
Again, their presence was appreciated at the gathering afterwards.
Hopefully we won't need to go to any close family members funerals any time in the near future, but I wouldn't hesitate to take mine again.

marriedinwhite

Oh, and for what it's worth, at DFILs funeral, DS1 was thrilled to be in the posh undertakers car following the hearse with us and DMIL. Again, his enthusiasm made what would have been a difficult journey easier.

My parents are very much against children being a funerals, I didn't go to my great grandparents funerals and I was in secondary school.

FIL died when dd was a baby, and dh's family wouldn't dream of her not being there (including viewing the body) and the extended morners visiting the house (he is asian). All 7 of my nephews and nieces were there, ages ranging from 11-under 1, some of them cried some didnt understand what was going on, but none of them were traumatised by it or by seeing others upset. TBF it is a different culture so nobody worried about 'being upset' in front of the children.

Merrymarigold do you think grieving is over and done at the funeral then? The funeral is a relatively public occasion in my experience that has to be got through and at which the chief mourners have a duty to maintain their dignity out of respect to the deceased. Grief is much more private and takes much longer - I can still shed a tear for my father who died 10 years ago and for my son who who would be 15 this year, and the dc know how much I loved them.