to want to take DC's to FIL's Funeral?

[CalmerChameleon]

DH has asked me to ask you lot for your opinion on this: Sadly, FIL passed away last week, his funeral is next week. We had planned to take our 3 DCs: 19 months, 4 & 5yrs, to his funeral. One of my earliest memories is of my parents leaving me behind when they went to the funeral of a beloved cousin.

My SIL, with older kids, is very shocked that we were planning to take ours. There are 5 other cousins, all older and all going. I feel strongly that family is family, and a little noise from small people is part of the 'rich tapestry of life' (DH's words).

Also, I don't think that we do kids any favours by shielding them from the only certainty in life, and that's death. But now we are questioning how fair it is on them to take them along.

Any experiences / opinions to share, please?

Ex-DH was a child/teenager when his grandparents died. He wasn't offered the chance to go to the funerals. Years later he had to have counselling for the pent up grief he was still dealing with and is still mad with his parents for denying him the chance to say goodbye properly.

Funerals are about saying goodbye to people you have known and loved. IMO attending the funeral is as much a part of the grieving process for children as for anyone else. Of course, if they are very tiny (under 2) then it's more of a discretionary thing and depends on whether the other mourners would mind the disturbance/whether you can sit at the back and whisk them out etc.

But I suspect funerals are similar to weddings - some people are just pro-children attending and some are not.

I don't get people who say children should go to funerals as Scroob pointedout it's not good for them not to be able to say goodbye them selfs.

It took me years to come to terms with the death of my grandad as I was not allowed to see him when ill or go the the funeral.

DD and DS who where 4years and 7months both went to there great grandads funeral last year. DD was wonderfully quit throughout the whole thing wasn't upset at all and was very matter of fact about it. I sat at the back with DS incase he got noise and I need to take him out, but he fed through most of the service.

I think it's just as improtant for children to say goodbye, some people do get upset at funerals but as long as you explain things to small children they just seem to take it in there stided.

Sorry for your loss.

My DD was nearly 6 when she went to her Granpa's funeral. Initially I'd arranged for friends to look after her as I thought she was too young to go to the funeral but DP's family all wanted her there (she's the only young child in the family). Although I did have a few reservations, as DD wanted to go, I agreed to bring her along.

I'm pleased to say it was absolutely the correct decision. We even took her to the cemetry for the burial and again she was fine, she asked lots of questions which we answered truthfully, but in an age appropriate way. She thought the funeral cars were brilliant which brought a bit humour to what was a very sad event. She had a ball at the wake afterwards and managed to collect an absolute fortune in money .

I'd like to hear more about the agenda behind taking children to a grandparents funeral. It sounds quite excitingly perverse.

I'm sorry for your loss

one thing that perhaps hasn't been given consideration yet is what would your FIL himself have wanted? it is his funeral after all
my in- laws would have wanted our kids to be there as they wouldn't want to think the kids were scared of them in death. my kids had heard horrid things in the playground like"when you die your head is cut off". we were able to explain to them that this is not the case and they were happy then to see their GPs in death.
your DH is one of the chief mourners so he would be a good judge as to what his fathers wishes would have been. i appreciate that further out relatives may have a problem with kids being there but really the day is about the immediate family primarily and that includes grandkids
you are the best judge of what your kids can handle and how they will behave..and yes some kids do get upset at funerals and cry...but is that not part of the grieving process? they may also ask questions during the service which others may perceive as "being noisy" but really that is unfair as it is just them comprehending what is happening

we used a few websites that can give you information on how to deal with these issues like explaining things to kids - Cruse is one of them

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/CYPFunerals.html

I think its a good idea to take them myself. My grandad died when I was 5, I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral or the wake, despite asking. It still upsets me today that I never got to say goodbye, it feels awfull, like something I need to do but never can.

I can't even vist his grave/memorial as he was cremated, no rememberance plac and his ashes were scattered at an old house of my grans... There really is nowhere to visit him. I felt awfull and guilty at a recent family members funeral, as I felt so guilty I was saying goodbye to this relative, when I've never done it for my grandad.

My gran has terminal cancer now. And I know its horrible to think about, but I worry that other family members will expect me and DH to leave our little girl at home, which I don't agree with....

So yes, I'd say take them, for their sake. They have as much right to be there as any other.mourners.

marriedinwhite, of course I don't believe grieving is over and done with at the funeral. However, I do believe funerals are a very important part of the mourning process, not something 'to be got through'. They are for the benefit of those left behind, not the person who died! And that's why they are so important in every culture - and most cultures mourn much more openly than ours. It's often a time where you really start accepting that the person has died. I speak as someone who has lost someone very close and very young. But everyone's grief is different.

I still would not have taken my young kids to my Gran (their great Gran's) funeral as they did not have much relationship with her, and they would have distracted me, and worse, would have distracted my Mum. I do think there is some 'hierarchy' in that respect, not that only those close to the person can come to the funeral, but that if they are going to distract the mourning of those who are closest to the person, then they should not be there. 2 years old is too young imo.

Having read this thread, if their grandfather died now, someone they are close to, spend a lot of time with, and love very much, then I would think long and hard about whether the 3 year olds should go for their own benefit, certainly the 6 year old should go. If my FIL died now, I would not take them, as they hardly know him.

I was taken to a family funeral at the age of 4. The service was in the house, with linen blinds drawn - the sun was shining through giving a yellow sort of light. I found it very traumatic, remember it vividly, and still cannot stay in a room with linen blinds drawn. I would only take young children to the "wake".

I think it is also a cultural thing. Catholic children are used to going to mass each week. Used to services. The parents are used to distracting small children in a church. To me it would seem very odd not taking children to a funeral service.

In our family all the children always go to funeral service, sometimes the burial, and always the wake.

I'm afraid that I don't agree that the right of a toddler (19months old) to attend a funeral, or your right to take him, trumps the right of others to be able to sit through the service uninterrupted even momentarily by the youngster. A toddler has no concept of saying good bye, perhaps unlike his older siblings. Your earliest memory is of an older child being excluded, not a baby. Is irrelevant in this case IMO.

The other two I think are probably old enough to sit still and quiet if you're desperate for them to go (mine would have been able to). But not the baby - not fair.

We had planned to take our older 2, aged 5 and 3, to my grandmothers funeral. All other mourners were happy, and the church was literally right next door to her house where wake was ( 20 ft) so planned to make last minute decision on the 3 year old. In the end they both had chicken pox so I went alone. But wouldn't have taken toddler ds.

Maybe it is a catholic thing, but I'm not convinced that small children are completely unable to sit through a funeral mass, in part because I've seen them do it as recently as last Monday.

They really aren't that distracting.

Apocalypse - i agree. But most catholic children are used to going to church. I have seen young catholic children sit beautifully through a funeral service - but they were used to church. With young children who have never been to church, it may be different.

I'm all for being open with children about death and remember insisting on going to my grandmothers funeral at the age of 13 when no one wanted me to thinking I was too young. I do, however, think that your children are a bit too young, to go to the funeral service.
Could they be looked after during the service and rejoin the family for the wake.

Your husband may be feeling strong now but faced with the reality of his fathers death at the funeral he may break down - that could be hard for him and the children.

True, Lesley, but do children never go to another place where they've got to sit and not distract other people? The thing is, learning to sit and behave yourself is important, as is learning that different occasions have different expectations. If parents aren't teaching their kids that sometimes it's appropriate to sit quietly, that seems unfair to me.

Yes some parents do and if parents think their children will sit quiety I have no issue with them being there. I just know from personal experience that funerals and the eulogy are very important and I would be upset if I couldn't hear it because of a child.

I have also witnessed a very young child getting very upset because his gran was very upset at a funeral. Children should see adults being upset and crying, but the depth of grief at a funeral can be too much for some children.

And I just think some parents don't think through all the issues before deciding whether to take a very young child to a funeral.

We had this last week with the funeral of MIL. DH asked our eldest (7yo) if he wanted to come to the funeral. DS didnt want to. DD (3yo) was not given the option as she wasn't old enough to at appropriately and DH wanted to be able to grieve properly without having to try and control DD.

I personally think there are age limits. Newborns are fine (unless they begin crying), but generally I wouldn't take under 5s. After five it depends upon the personality of the child and the relationship the child shared with the deceased. I think all children should be able to go to the wake afterwards though.

Also noting upon Marriedinwhites point - DH was distraught at his fathers funeral, his mother had organised it and he openly grieved. This time we organised MiLs funeral and he didn't grieve openly, i think this was because he had organised the funeral and wake and wanted it to go smoothly and was so worried about the other arrangements. He is still grieving but does so privately and without the worry of others being present.

I think from 8 or 9 it's fine (but would ask them if they want to go). I wouldn't take an 18 month old to the funeral ceremony and probably not the 4 and 5 year olds unless they were very keen to go and I knew they would sit still and keep quiet.
I wouldn't be so bothered about them being traumatised, more them disturbing the ceremony for others as children do like to fidget and be the centre of attention.
? let husband go to the service and you take the kids to the swings and go to the gathering with them afterwards.

I'm all for taking children to funerals but when I went to my Dad's I left my 2yr old DD with a friend. At my Mum's DSis left her 2 yr old with a friend at the back of church.
Would anything like that be possible for your 19mth old so you can concentrate on the other 2, and your DH?

The time of the funeral has just been fixed as 12:30 (noon). So my 19 month old will be asleep in his buggy then. Best of both worlds, he will be with us but no disturbance.

I've had a really long chat with the other 2 and explained how everything will go. My 5y old wants to go and I know she will manage to behave. I am in the process of arranging for our old nanny, who my 4 yr old adores, to look after just him through the service. If he's unhappy or overly fidgety I will give her the nod and they can slip out the side exit, which I will station us near.

Mine are pretty used to church, we go fairly regularly. However our church is quite relaxed and they are used to having a little play and fidget.

So helpful to hear your experiences. Thank you.

That sounds ideal, hope it all goes well for you all.

Just think about preparing them for all permutations & possibilities - a friend of mine took her DC (6) to her MIL funeral and thought she'd talked through it all until he stage whispered "but what's in the box?"

Can you take someone for the older 2?

Our priest advised that it was less scary for children if they saw the body in the coffin before, to avoid the scenario above.
We has a private service for DM's children and grandchildren the night before where they all got the chance to stroke her and say goodbye.
Am aware this is a bit RC.

(Another RC here) I would probably take mine, in your shoes, too.

Noisy children can always be taken outside/ to the church porch if people mind. IME, they tend not to as long as the kids are just fidgeting as opposed to really causing a proper disturbance.

As a young child I didn't attend my own father's funeral (DM's unilateral decision) and now I really feel that I should have done.

My SIL was a bit shocked we took my then 18 month old to DHs Uncle's funeral. I was just as shocked she was planning not to take her kids of 11+. We took my DS, he slept through it, and has been to a few funerals since. I would try to bribe them to be quiet, and explain it all first, but YANBU.