to want to take DC's to FIL's Funeral?

[CalmerChameleon]

DH has asked me to ask you lot for your opinion on this: Sadly, FIL passed away last week, his funeral is next week. We had planned to take our 3 DCs: 19 months, 4 & 5yrs, to his funeral. One of my earliest memories is of my parents leaving me behind when they went to the funeral of a beloved cousin.

My SIL, with older kids, is very shocked that we were planning to take ours. There are 5 other cousins, all older and all going. I feel strongly that family is family, and a little noise from small people is part of the 'rich tapestry of life' (DH's words).

Also, I don't think that we do kids any favours by shielding them from the only certainty in life, and that's death. But now we are questioning how fair it is on them to take them along.

Any experiences / opinions to share, please?

when my baby boy died people asked me if my 2 living children where going and i was shocked they even asked, of corse i would be taking them, he was their baby brother!

My 3 year old had asked to go and my just turned 2 year old didn't really know what was going on, i guess it depends on the service. I did have friends ask if they could bring there small children and i was shocked as considering my baby boy was in a little tiny coffin i didn't exactly want to see anyone else's babies! And if i think about it, if anyone had have bought there children, i would have been annoyed at them making noise etc.

with my own children i guess it was different as they were family, immediate family, and they were having to deal with us being in bits 24/7 so one day of sobbing at his funeral was much like any other day to them :(

I would say, as its family, take them if you feel thats what you, dp and fil would have wanted.

"at which the chief mourners have a duty to maintain their dignity out of respect to the deceased."

That's quite a sad way of looking at it, I know (for me anyway) being able to cry at my mum's funeral helped me a lot. It was also completely unavoidable, as it was for the rest of my family. I don't think crying at a funeral shows a lack of dignity at all.

On the subject of the OP, only take the children if you think they will stay quiet. When my grandfather died when I was young, my parents decided not to take me or my brother. Tbh we wouldn't have gained much from being there, and would probably have been bored by the service. We said goodbye to our grandad in our own (age appropriate) ways.

Mama - I would disagree with you there........but I'm posting as an older mum, which hasn't given DD the luxury of allowing for 'plenty of time'.

Why should children be shielded from experiencing death, anyway?

I certainly didn't make my DD go to funerals, but involved her in the process and made sure she was secure enough to know she didn't have to come if she didn't want to and could always leave if she didn't want to stay.

One of the main things that the Victorians did right was to involve the whole family, children and all when it came to death & dying. Children died all the time; my grandma remembered going in to school after the holidays and whole families would be wiped out. Children lived with it, unlike now when it's all shrouded in mystery. Now it's all hidden and hushed up.

well said secretsquirrel1

sleeping - our ds 2.5 at the time stayed with his godmother my best friend at our house. Nobody asked to bring their children but only our parents and very closest family and friends came and were expected to come anyway. It was a terrible, terrible day, lightened only by ds1 being there at the house afterwards. It was a twilight time and I think he would have been fretful to be away from us for anyh longer. I was in such a mess anyway that he was the only thing that kept me sane. At 17 he has absolutely no recollection of it now.

Agree. But children were also in Victorian times, used to going to church and sitting still and not making noise during preaching/eulogies.

Sorry about your fil x

I would take the elder two and try to find a sitter for the little one, who won't get much out of it.

I took a five year old to a funeral, not sure whether she'd say she was glad she went but she certainly didnt cause any bother and was, I think, some comfort to my own parents just by being there and young and showing respect and all that.

I would say, take them. My df died when I was 7 and because others said it wasn't right my dm decided to leave me at home and to be honest I have never quite got over it. My great gran (yes we are a young family, 5 generations now 4) died a couple of years ago and my nan specifically asked for the children to be there, I think partly after I had made my point about my df's funeral, it was just in a crematorium though not a full church service which was better as it was only 30-40 mins.
I also think that it is your dh's father and if he wants his children there then they should be there, but yes be prepared to take them out if they get restless.

Thanks for your time and replies everyone. DH and I have read through them all and the spread of opinion is very useful. I gather from most of your replies that we will not be traumatising our children by taking them, and I didn't think we would or we wouldn't have considered including them. We will have people on hand to take them out if they're overly noisy, but I'm confident that they will be able to behave for the better part of the service. I certainly wouldn't take them if I thought they would shriek through any of it.

TBH reading the replies that were adamant that children shouldn't be included made me realise that I don't share that view. Each to his own and all that, but IMO they are as much a part of the family as older people and I think we underestimate children's' capacity for understanding.

You wont be traumatising them. They will cry, because funerals are emotional and emotive. My girls cried at my grandmothers funeral although they hadn't seemed too sad by the news a week earlier. But it's ok to cry.

I just think you might have An easier time if you didn't take the little one.

I think it a cultural thing.

Funerals mean different things to different people.

In my culture Irish RC, we are at the funeral to celebrate the deceased life and part of that is showing how they live on in their children / grandchildren and in my family great grandchildren. It is about how they ( if you believe) are gone to a better place, and you are sad, not because they are dead but because you aren't going to have their physical presence anymore. Cause they're in a 'better place'.

If you don't believe, in the religion side of things, the genetics of seeing something of that person live on can be comforting.

I hope that makes sense?

I'm a lapsed RC but seeing mannerisms of Da in my DN's always makes me smile, and althought some of them were at that little but loud age at his funeral they all attended, and it maid the day so much bearable. They were a wonderful distraction.

If it helps the youngest Dn /GC were 2/3/4/6/7/7/12/14/14/16 at the time

Hey we are RC ?

I think looking back that having the various DN there made it easier, for us Da wasn't really gone, one dn had his turn of brow, other dn had his giggle, other dn had his 'but why....but why'

Sorry I have rambled on here; I think that TBH that your husband is right. Death is a part of life, children is a part of that, they are the beginning.

Sorry if if sound a bit woo woo? I blame the wine

My Mum died in December and I was insistent my DDs were at her funeral. It was a short, 20 min, humanist service. It really was a celebration of her life. To not have her DGC there would have felt so wrong; she was so close to them and loved them so much.

DD1 had just turned 4, DD2 was 9mo. I had my MiL on standby to take the baby out if she started creating, but she was fine.

I don't regret it for a moment. It was important to my mum that we were all together. And we were. As a bonus, they brought such joy to the occaision, even amongst the tears. At the end DD1 held my hand and almost skipped out past all the fellow mourners; she literally and figuratively pulled me through it all.

Today was my dear Dad's funeral . I decided I wanted my dcs (11, 7 and 5) to come to the service because they were very close to my Dad and a huge part of his life. I wanted them to participate in such an important occasion.

They all felt involved .My dd1(7) asked if she could read a poem during the service, she did so beautifully. My ds handed out the Order of Service as people came in. My dcs saw lots of tears and sadness (I broke down at one point) but they also saw us laughing, toasting my Dad's memory and being a family.

I think it was absolutely the right decision.

As bluebean says, a funeral is a celebration of life.

I took my DD2 aged 4 to her first (and hopefully last for a long time to come) funeral last week, it was the cremation of DD1's 12 year old friend. Due to the age of the little girl who had died there were lots of children there, my DD2 was one of the youngest.

I had explained to her the night before what she could expect to see and also explained that there would be lots of sad people there, including me, her grandparents and sister, but that she wasn't to worry about us, we were sad but would be ok. I also explained that it was a very very important time for the little girls family and friends and that they would be saying goodbye to their friend and that she must be quiet and stand with me nicely.

She was an absolute star, not a murmour from her until we left before the coffin was taken away (the actual cremation was for family only) when all she did was blow a kiss in the direction of the coffin and say goodbye.

I think it totally depends on the child/circumstances/level of understanding.

Personally I think a 19 month old is too young BUT the decision is yours and your DH's to make.

Sorry for your loss.

Take them. Death is part of life. To try to pretend that it's not is unreasonable. Children understand lots if it's presented in an appropriate manner. Trust your instincts. Sorry for your loss, OP.

Sorry for yours and DHs loss. I would say take them. I strongly believe that we do shield children from death and mourning and the emotional aspects of dealing with it without giving credence to the resilience of kids and their ability to process this kind of thing, actually, quite straightforwardly.

it is my (humble) opinion that the reason we do worry so much about whether other mourners might be upset is because the older generation (the predominant demographic at most funerals) were brought up in even stricter and more 'buttoned up' times and therefore do expect solemnity and silence as it is considered 'appropriate'. Without wishing to disrespect this, if you have helpers that can take the kids out if they are restless then you will be covered.

I think kids help the process, and am compelled to say (in response to, 'it's not about you') ; it absolutely is about you, your dh and your kids. If a mourner can't recognise that what is best for the immediate family is what your FIL would have wanted, then they aren't really thinking about your FIL at all. you are the ones whose memories of this day will be strongest and closest to you and replayed over and over as part of the grieving/healing process, so if it's right for you, it's the right thing. IMHO.

My aunt died last weekend. She had twelve grandchildren and several grandnieces and grandnephews from thirteen to four months, and all of them were at the funeral. They're part of the family, including the joys and sorrows, the sharing of joy and grief, the network of mutual support and familial interdependence. How can children learn about grief if they're shielded from it? How can they learn about respecting these occasions if they don't attend? Waiting till they're old enough to understand the rawness of grief before they see it is more alienating, I think.

Also, I don't understand this view that there are people more entitled to be chief mourners than the grandchildren. If we all thought like that, we could excuse ourselves from all funerals but those of spouses, parents and children.

I would always take my kids (now 3 & 7) to family funerals. To me, funerals are family occasions, a time for everyone to come together and the kids are family.

DS1 was 9mths when my FIL died and my MIL said that having him there really helped her to get through what was a very difficult day. She liked the fact that DS1 was just being himself whilst everything else was going on and was also glad of the reminder that FIL had got to know DS1 for 9 months. (He was their first GC and FIL's illness had started while I was PG so there had been a worry that he might not have got see him at all.)

I also think that going to funerals and seeing friends and family joining together to remember someone who has died is an important way of helping kids to understand that they are part of a wider community who care about the people around them.

My MIL died a few days before we were due to fly to see her from North USA to FL. The end result: me, hubby and DDs aged 5 and 15 months went to her funeral altogether. The 15 month yr old (now 4) has no recollection of this. My 5 year old (now nearly 8) sang a lovely poem/song she made up in the service as her contribution. It has not harmed them one jot. They were 2 of 15 other under 5s there. It was an open casket, but we kept out DDs away until they closed it. I think the other kids saw it, said goodbye grandma and got over it.
What they remember about the day was the nice songs for Grandma, the food and the big waterslide my SIL hired for afterwards. It's hot in FL, so it was a lot of fun for them.
Death is a part of life. It's been a part of our lives for the last 6 years as my kids have lost all their grandparents. We have had to deal with it and we have stared it in the face. So shall you. If you have to take your LOs to a funeral or not go at all, then take them. They'll learn to take it in their strides. They can't hide from it forever, sadly:-( The sooner they are introduced to it, the easier it will be.

Sorry for your loss.

What's more, my 7 yo went to the funeral of her classmate too last year and did marvellously. It was child-friendly and many of my playground mum friends who had not brought their children, were very sorry to have deprived them of the chance to say goodbye to him. My DD carried herself with dignity, grieved, dealt with it and moved on. I am glad I provided her with that chance to acknowledge death as a reality, although I wish to God this had not been necessary. Sadly, you have to play the cards you are dealt with, and whilst ideally I would have shielded her from this, life has not afforded up the option.

Ds1 was 5 when my dad died and he came to the funeral. We never thought about excluding him. He cried his eyes out, as did others of us, he also said afterwards that it was interesting because he learnt things about Grandad that he never knew before.

I could not imagine excluding him from such an important family event, and one which allowed him to express his sadness too.

We will have people on hand to take them out if they're overly noisy, but I'm confident that they will be able to behave for the better part of the service.
See, this is the thinking I have a problem with (again, a generational thing?)
By that time, the service is disrupted.
I have no issue with older children going - those old enough to understand what it's about. But babies and toddlers? Take them to the wake, where they will be very much appreciated.

I don't think it is fair on the other mourners to take children who are young enough to potentially cause disturbance.

So I think it would be unfair of you to take your 19month old unless you are certain that he will be quiet as a mouse (unlikely in my experience of 19 month olds).

He will not gain anything from going. And more to the point, he may disturb other people when they have a right not to be distracted or disturbed. I think it's rather selfish to be pushing your own agenda on other mourners.

i wouldnt take them unless they were particularly close, and even then at that age, unless you were sure they would be quiet and respectful, id avoid and just take them to the wake.