to not want my elderly MIL to live with us

[TrollopDollop]

MIL is in her late 80's and always been old for her age IYKWIM. FIL died a few years ago and she lives about 4 hours away from us.My SIL ( no DCs) lives about 45 minutes away from her but their relationship is not great. MIL has always been independent in the sense that she doesnt need much day to day but very reliant on my SIL to take her out. For example, she wouldn't consider going to the docs or to the shops alone so SIL has been doing this since FIL fell ill and then passed away . I should add that MIL is not english (Iranian) so her english is not great and she also cannot read or write in english. When FIL was alive she depended on him to shop with her, pay bills and all that. MIl and FIL chose a quiet life and have never had friends or been very sociable so as a consequence MIL ha no friends or any social contact. She refuses day centres and alike.

We live in a small 3 bed house (2 reasonable size rooms and a box room) and have a 4 and 7 year old. We also both work FT. Suddenly MIL had got it into her head she should come and live with us. I am pretty sure SIL is feeding this idea but thats a different story. We do as much as we can. She has been in and out of hospital with various vague complaints recently (hospital keep saying there is nothing wrong and putting down to anxiety). Dh has been there for 4 out of the 5 last weekends and phones every day. Everytime he speaks to her she is moaning. SIL has been no where to be seen on any of the times he has been there and claims she always at MIL but MIL says otherwise (not sure who to beleive but not relevant for now).

I think DH is starting to weaken. He says he feels guilty about her and worries she is unhappy. I talked to her about sheltered accomodation but she wasn't interested. Theoretically we could have her (she would have to have the box room) but I know our lives will not be ours. She means well and isn't ean but is totally unaware of other peoples lives. She expects people to drop everything for her. For example, she ended up in hospital again whilst DH was there a few weeks ago, he had to come home to work (just started a new job) so SIL took over, she was discharged the next day and the first thing she did was phone asking when DH was coming down again.

I know she is in her twlight years and we should look after her. But I don't want to. It will be like having 3 children. I said to DH we wouldn't be able to go away for the weekend as we would have to arrange care for her(she hates people being in her house), wouldn't be able to have friends over and to top it all she snores like a pneumatic drill!

Yanbu - tbh living together would probably make you all rather miserable, particularly as she has been so independent in the past. Could she move nearer you, perhaps to a flat? Or somewhere with a warden?

I totally understand where you are coming from, but can't help but think that if it was my mum and my DP was very against it i would be disappointed in him and a bit hurt tbh.

There is no way that you should let this happen. First of all, your house sounds too small to accommodate MIL and secondly, you would have incredibly stressful lives given that you both work FT and have kids. I second suggesting that MIl lives close by but NOT in your house. Good luck OP!

There's a thread on similar over in Relationships OP, you should have a look. Don't be pressurised by your DH or SIL. This is a huge responsibility and life change and I really think you should be looking to do shared care with SIL and not take everything on yourselves (also it'll all be down to YOU if she moves in cos that's usually the way things work out).

I think maybe you need to find some really nice sheltered housing very close to you and make an appointment to view the place with her. You could explain that this is a good option for you and that you would at least like her to look at the housing. Your DH should also discuss this with SIL and be admiment you don't want her to live with you. Sheltered accommodation might be a good option in that it allows a good deal of independance but with lots of support in a small community. You can also agree to pop in and see her lots and other days she could visit you at your home.

I would really struggle to have my MIL living with us.

Don't do it. Once she's in, the decision will be made and you will regret it.

It is good and right to look after elderly parents, make sacrifices, give up time for them. This does not mean being on call for them 24-7, accepting their rules in your own household, never having a holiday or time on your own. And it sounds as though that's what you'd be signing up for.

As you both work full-time, you can guarantee she'd be lonely during the day. Her moving in does NOT sound like a solution for any of you.

Yanbu it's a huge responsibility looking after elderly people, if you can not commit it would be fairer on her not to come and live with you.

Would she be interested in sheltered housing

I think that your DH and SIL need to have a chat, and then present your MIL with a couple of options.

Realistically your house isn't big enough, but she could move into some kind of sheltered accommodation. I know she has said no in the past, but you can't help that you don't have the space.
Is there somewhere near to your home that would be nice for her?

It is very difficult. My MIL is still relatively young but she is already dropping hints. She and FIL are divorced and FIL already lives with SIL so there is only us.

I screamed "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" when I finished reading the OP.

No way. NO WAY. You just cannot do that. And RosieBooBoo - your mum may well be different. You certainly speak the same language as her!

Please, OP, don't do it. You will effectively lose your home, your independence, your privacy and your status within the family.

Tell your SIL that your MIL has said she wants to live with her. That should shut her up.

I agree with the sheltered housing - it could be around the corner, anywhere, just so long as she doesn't live with you.

Would you do it for your mum? That's the answer imo

YABU and mean. She is an old lady on borrowed time. I dread getting old, why are people so horrible to the elderly. my mil is going in a home

Kayano - no i wouldnt do it for my mum or dad or my FIL. why? because they would come in expecting this to be their house run their way and wanting me to revert back to the child role and them the parent. i love my parents and would do everything i could to make them comfortable ( now in their late 70's early 80's) this would include finding semi sheltered, warden or nursing home nearby. visiting every other day etc but it would most definately not include them moving in. as we as adults have our kids later and later on in life (like me) i know that my last wont leave home to go to uni until i am almost 60. do i or anyone else want then to have someone else to look after? this is what you have to ask yourself.

Could she sell her house and you yours, then you buy somewhere spacious enough to fit you all in with space?Could you then arrange for sil to cover weekends away/holidays?
I do feel for you, but if it were my Mum I'd have her here, my inlaws are another story and I think the sheltered accom literally round the corner from us will be my first suggestion, but if dh really wants them I'm not sure how I'd say no as I know his brother's wife will never have them. I'm likely to have my eldest ds here for good (sn) so perhaps I am ready to accept this more than most as I've thought about his future a lot.
My Mum intends to have an ecopod at the end of my garden, but she's a bit mad!
Your sil needs to be considered too, can't they live together somewhere big enough to avoid arguments? Why is the son with the family the best choice?

Presumably OP's mum speaks the same language as her.

Its also not fair to compare the parents unless they are equally as easy/difficult to get on with. One may be much easier to have in the house than the other.

Another thing to consider is who would be doing most of the care. OP has not expanded much on the family dynamics but it often ends up being the woman doing the majority of the care for elderly/sick relatives. Would the DH be happy to do 100% (or at least most) of the work with his mother?

When my grandma went to live with my uncle, she was living independently quite well and the idea was she'd move into his larger house, have her own space and take care of herself and she'd have my uncle on hand to keep an eye on her and if she needed him. What we didn't realise was that she was in the early stages of dementia and once she was moved out of her familiar surroundings and routine it progressed rapidly. She wouldn't do anything for herself, would sit there and starve all day until my uncle came home to feed her, got increasingly aggressive and almost wrecked his marriage.

What started off as the best of intentions turned into a total nightmare. She never forgave him for eventually drawing a line and insisting she went into sheltered. Ironically, she was much happier there as it turned out and went to a day centre everyday and made lots of friends.

Don't underestimate how much she will depend on you if you move her in.

MadameFolly, why would you assume the OP speaks Iranian? She said, "I should add that MIL is not english (Iranian) so her english is not great and she also cannot read or write in english."

If the OP spoke Iranian would it be as much of a problem?

Do not do it! I have my elderly mother staying now for a holiday and I can't tell you how restricting it is. It is lovely because it is merely a holiday. She has her own flat in sheltered housing and is very happy. It keeps us all loving and friendly.

If your dh is going to be the primary carer and when it becomes necessary, give up work, empty commodes, change soiled bedding, cook, launder, take her to appointments and keep her entertained then maybe it would work. But only in a bigger house than yours. Don't do it. Tell SIL that if she's going anywhere it's her place.

YANBU, don't think for one minute that YABU. It wouldn't be fair on any of you. Your dh and SIL will have to put the options in front of her - things stay as they are or she goes into sheltered accommodation with holidays to visit you from time to time.

Us the broken record and keep telling her to move close and into sheltered housing. At the moment she doesn't like the idea but by the time you have kept on and on and on about her moving into the sheltered housing around the corner which is so lovely and you will all be nearby but not squashed.

Keep at the sheltered housing at every single chance you get. Say you want her to live close by in sheltered housing so the gc can see her more and dh will be near to do this and that.

Take her to see the sheltered housing and then keep on about it all the time - every single time she phones.

Either she will move in to SH but she will eventually stop talking about moving in with you or stay where she is

I can see your reasons for not having her to live with you,the lack of space being the biggest (in my opinion). Is there anyway you could pool your resources (and miserable SIL too) and buy somewhere bigger - maybe with enough space for MIL to not encroach too much on you?
I think, ideally, she should try to live independently for as long as possible. Has she looked around any sheltered accom places? Some of them are lovely.
The manipulative SIL probably has ulterior motives as she doesn't want to be lumbered, could you get her on side re sheltered accom?