to not want my elderly MIL to live with us

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MIL is in her late 80's and always been old for her age IYKWIM. FIL died a few years ago and she lives about 4 hours away from us.My SIL ( no DCs) lives about 45 minutes away from her but their relationship is not great. MIL has always been independent in the sense that she doesnt need much day to day but very reliant on my SIL to take her out. For example, she wouldn't consider going to the docs or to the shops alone so SIL has been doing this since FIL fell ill and then passed away . I should add that MIL is not english (Iranian) so her english is not great and she also cannot read or write in english. When FIL was alive she depended on him to shop with her, pay bills and all that. MIl and FIL chose a quiet life and have never had friends or been very sociable so as a consequence MIL ha no friends or any social contact. She refuses day centres and alike.

We live in a small 3 bed house (2 reasonable size rooms and a box room) and have a 4 and 7 year old. We also both work FT. Suddenly MIL had got it into her head she should come and live with us. I am pretty sure SIL is feeding this idea but thats a different story. We do as much as we can. She has been in and out of hospital with various vague complaints recently (hospital keep saying there is nothing wrong and putting down to anxiety). Dh has been there for 4 out of the 5 last weekends and phones every day. Everytime he speaks to her she is moaning. SIL has been no where to be seen on any of the times he has been there and claims she always at MIL but MIL says otherwise (not sure who to beleive but not relevant for now).

I think DH is starting to weaken. He says he feels guilty about her and worries she is unhappy. I talked to her about sheltered accomodation but she wasn't interested. Theoretically we could have her (she would have to have the box room) but I know our lives will not be ours. She means well and isn't ean but is totally unaware of other peoples lives. She expects people to drop everything for her. For example, she ended up in hospital again whilst DH was there a few weeks ago, he had to come home to work (just started a new job) so SIL took over, she was discharged the next day and the first thing she did was phone asking when DH was coming down again.

I know she is in her twlight years and we should look after her. But I don't want to. It will be like having 3 children. I said to DH we wouldn't be able to go away for the weekend as we would have to arrange care for her(she hates people being in her house), wouldn't be able to have friends over and to top it all she snores like a pneumatic drill!

You don't have the space.
You both work full time and don't have the time.
You don't want to care for her, and it will fall to you.

Can you try contacting the Iranian embassy and asking if they have details of any care homes with Iranian speaking careworkers? (I know my old boss was able to find a care home with several German speaking staff for his German mother who's English was good, until her memory started to fail and the first thing she lost was her second language.) Or if there are any Iranian societies.

She can't just rule out sheltered accomodation and expect you to then sacrifice the quality of her life to improve the quality of her life when she is ruling out an option that would give her the quality of life without reducing yours.

You might need to directly say it to her infront of your DH ; "We don't have the space to have you live with us, so that's not an option, do you want to discuss what other options there are?" (Be the 'bad guy' so your DH doesn't have to)

I have memories of my grandmother having her mother to live with them. My grandma had the patience of a saint but found it extraordinarily difficult. My other granny came to recouperate after an operation and drove my mother (who was a nurse) absolutely potty.

I love my dad and my MIL but our day to day lives are very very different and would be difficult to reconcile. Even the difference in what time we eat dinner and how we parent would cause friction. Honestly I adore my dad and would pretty much anything to support him but I couldn't live with him. So I think Yanbu.

I seriously wouldn't do this, in your circumstances. You both work full time - when mil gets more dependent (and she will), who is going to look after her all day? My money is on you.

This will have a huge impact on your finances, your career, your marriage, your children's home life, your freedom to live your own life.

I think it can only work when you have physical space, so you are not living on top of each other and the money to pay for outside help.

I doubt very much if it will be possible for your dh to care properly for his mum - I know from when my elderly nan comes to visit my parents, she want my mum (her dil) to help her with personal help (bathing etc), not my dad, even though he is her son. Elderly women often want to be cared for by other women. And how many families are in a position to give up a wage so one person can be a full time carer.

Do you have the time and capability to look after your children, do your job and care for an elderly person?

I am really gonna put the cat amongst the pigeons now because although I agree with and understand a lot of the points raised here about the difficulties involved with having older family members moving in I wonder how many are aware of the reality these days about being old and accessing care.

Its getting harder and harder to get paid carers to look after those living alone so its a very lonely existence with only the very very basics being provided. Thats cos not only are people living longer the babyboomers are now retiring and the in the lower numbers of active workers far fewer people chose to do care work .....which had abysmal hours and very poor pay.

Its not unreasonable to not want to live alone ... I am sure as we all get nearer to that its something we will begin to dread. I know I do. I also have a dread of nursing homes .... .partly because I know from experience that no matter how caring the staff ( and not all are) they are sooooo pressured they just do not have the time to do anything other than very basic stuff most of the time. Please do not believe the ad on the telly for a certain medical insurance groups nursing homes, even if that one it accurate its like hens teeth !!!

By the time those of us young enough to currently have school age or under DC are in their eighties I seriously doubt there will be the money or resources to provide even the limited care at home there is now ........ hope none of us have to realise that our children will not want us around when we are so vulnerable.

I have had a serious conversation with all my DCs and told them that, whatever I may say in the future, they are to remember now and they are not responsible for me and they are not looking after me. I am very serious about it. No way.

I don't think its a case of not wanting relatives around tassled - certainly not in my case. I want to support them in any way I can but I have to recognise that financially I need to work and also care for my children. My grandmother needs 24 hour care and I can't provide that for her and support my own family.

I know how you feel my MIL is pushing to live with us too. And we are in a similar position. Small terrace house, only a lounge and kitchen downstairs, no willing family to help and a very difficult elderly MIL.

At the moment she comes to us three days a week from about 4pm untill about 11pm. It wasn't too bad at first and I did initially consider pooling our money so we could buy a bigger house and all moving in together. 18 months down the line and I thank God I never mentioned it to her. Three days a week is driving me mad, I have to cook special meals for her as she won't eat the food we enjoy (pasta, curries, salad!) she will only eat meat n two veg type meals. She talks constantly about people from her past who I never knew and constantly tells me the same stories about of my DH's childhood.

My MIL has never really had any friends as she is really critical of others and she pushed all her family away years ago, she now seems to expect myself and DH to be her Whole world.

I really am starting to dread the days she visits, I usually end up retreating to my bedroom at 9pm because I just can't take it anymore.

YANBU go with your gut instinct, it would never work if she moved in with you and it is fairer to you all.including your MIL to find something which would work from the begining. I think sheltered accommodation is the only answer for both yours and my family. I sympathise it's very difficult.

Learningtofly - same here, I'd take in my parents/PIL if I could and they needed, but as they both had their DCs later than their parents, and we've had our DS even later still, when they reach the age of needing care, we will still have a young family and need to work. My parents took in my Nana when she needed care, but my DB and I had already left home, my Dad had already taken early retirement and my Mum had gone part time. That's just not going to be an option for us.

lydia it is difficult. And not an easy decision either way. My dad and MIL are both relatively young but they have their own health problems and we support them as much as possible.

But I have two grandmas in their 90s who need considerable support in all aspects and it just is not possible to spilt yourself to the point where you can be all things to everyone. Something somewhere along the line something has to give.

Many of us do want our relatives around learningtofly but of course need to be realistic re childcare and finances and living accomodation ...... but some people do make it clear that they dont actually want the relatives near them and I think that is sad. I dont have a good relationship with my own mother and I would hate to think that my children would not want me near.... but that is life.

I dont have the answer, wish I had...... and def not saying that instantly all children should take in elderly relatives. I lived though the reality of having grandad with alzheimers live with us and sleeping in my room when I was young / teen ( we only had self and brother plus parents plus him in a two bedroom house )

Just saying that we may have to change our expectations of what happens when we age .

another couple thoughts

..... my children never cease to be my children and no matter how old they are if they need a roof over their head for some reason then its there.

I know of may retired people that do unpaid childcare for their grown up children so aforesaid can go out to work to afford the house / standard of living they want.

Is this not what family is about, supporting each other .

Oh I know its not always possible but it just seemed that on this thread it was almost unanimous that taking in older relatives was just not on and about all the problems that would result.

just wanted to introduce another aspect into the discussion

My sil did this with her mother - 2 dd, 15 and 13, and 1 ds less than 1. They had a 30s semi, and mil had the front room. It just didn't work, despite having a downstairs loo extension.

Their marriage wasn't the best and the strain of it might have been the underlying cause of their split (apart from the fact that sil was a bitch).

My mil had done the same for sil and bil just after they married while they saved to buy their first house, so she felt entitled to move in with them. Her mental problems meant that when fil went into hospital before he died, she moved straight in with them, as she was too anxious to stay alone.

Apart from rather dramatic ibs, worsened by many neuroses, she smoked 60 fags a day, in a household of non-smokers.

Think the sheltered way is much the best - eventually mil moved out to a sheltered flat, where she took great offence at sil divorcing soon after.

And sometimes politically the messages seem to be conflicted. On one hand parents are told you must work! Find work! The recent changes to tax credits seem to support this. But on the other hand you must also care for your relatives! Don't rely on services to do the caring!

Perhaps dolly the sheep had the right idea with cloning ........

In some circumstances caring for an elderly relative in one's own home is workable, and the best solution. In the OP's case, it isn't. There isn't an available bedroom for MIL, there isn't sufficient living space to accommodate her, there is no adult around to care for her during the day, there is no spare money to provide for her needs. The OP has young children who have no other choices about where they live. MIL has options, and it might well be that a care home with trained professionals and other people of a similar age is more suitable for her and for the family.

It's as much about how well you get on with your MIL and the personalities involved. Just because you are related to someone does not mean you automatically get along well or you have a good relationship.

but it just seemed that on this thread it was almost unanimous that taking in older relatives was just not on

I understand all the points you're making and I guess in an ideal world, we'd all prefer that family are looked after by family. But don't you think it's really unreasonable to expect, after essentially not building any life for yourself, that you're just going to be taken into your daughter/DIL's house (or son's) to absorb all their time and energy?
Some of the stories above are awful imo.. smoking 60 a day in a non-smoking house?!? Expecting people to change their diet just to facilitate you? Sorry but that's totally out of the question. The elderly person is the person who has to fit in and adapt, not the family.

And the other thing is space. Obviously if you have the means to have separate living quarters, that's the best scenario but even that doesn't work sometimes (see Relationships thread, where the elderly mother is basically interfering in the family's life despite having separate space etc).

In the OP's case, I think it would be a really bad idea. There are three adults involved and between them, they need to really work on a solution that they'll all be involved in and the MIL happy with.

Yabu.
I would do it .

Yes but you're not the OP. There's an offer for you OP

My mother lives with us. She is not that old (only early 70's) so could go on for years yet but she is disabled and needs care and i would never see her go into a home.

But and there is a big but the only way it has been workable is because we pooled our resourses and bought a house larger enough for her to have her own space. As she is in a wheelchair she cant get upstairs so i can go hide if i keep a break from her. She has a bed sitting room at the front of the house and her own disabled bathroom downstairs. We have a lounge and dining room at the back of the house and 3 bedrooms uostairs. My children are now teenagers so i dont have young children to care for as well.

So far it is working well but we knew when we made the move this would be a longterm thing. Mum is only going to get worse with her disablility so God only knows what the furture holds.

Unless you can find the money from somewhere to buy a bigger house than for you i would say it is completely unworkable. Also dont forget the financial aspect of taking on an ageing relative. My bills have gone through the roof as mum really feels the cold and so the heating is on a lot higher and a lot longer than we would ever have it. We are on a water meter so that has gone up and as she is housebound unless i take her somewhere in the car she is at home eating 3 square meals a day.

Goodluck with whatever you decide.

Let's hope your children don't follow your example when you get to your late 80s and would like some support. She is probably frightened and would like to have her family around her in her last years.
You sound incredibly judgmental of your MIL and utterly heartless.

It is difficult with MIL and DIL though. As females we are more likely to work part time, do more childcare and as such the caring would fall to us. But there are things I could do for my own mother that I could not do for MIL. I didn't grow up with her, or have that bond. So, it is much more awkward.

Op it's a horrible situation to be in, I really feel for you.

Firstly I think it's time to talk to your sil, can you meet up in person? Her and your dh need to be together on this one and realistically look at all options.

Secondly then it's helping mil to accept she will not be living with you, she needs to understand what everyday life is like in your house. I'm sure there things that change when she visits, stop changing them allow here to see tge real life version of living with to two children!

Also please bear in mind that often the more that is done tge less they can do iyswim

This thread and the responses on it have SO made me think that I'm probably going to want to hurl myself off a cliff when I get old.

I've never lived alone. The thought of living alone in failing health when I'm old and if DH goes before me..... shudder .... How sad and lonely.

It is one reason why it helps if you have lived alone. People mention quite a lot that they can't have a night alone and yet they have to face up to the fact that, seeing as women live longer than men, they are going to have to.

I also don't necessarily see any difference in it being MIL instead of mother-it is all in the relationship and personalities-my SIL is much better at looking after my mother than I am.

You do need the space. I could do it if we had our own section and own front door but not together in a small house.

You also have to bear in mind the future. My mother has now got to the point where she can't really be left alone for more than about 3 hours. In her lovely flat she has plenty of space-it has 2 bedrooms-and it is purpose built so that she can be fully independent e.g. a walk in shower where she has a chair-but she has an emergency cord and someone on duty 24/7 and it gives piece of mind. She has other people in a similar situation-she has a knitting group, she has people to play scrabble with, keep fit classes, people to play Bridge with.
It is much better for her. She is loving staying with us, but she isn't having to do anything for herself.

I would explore other avenues first. I am happy to give my mother lots of time and support-but not full time in my house.

Dont do it, you dont have the space and you dont have the time to look after her properly.
It wont be fair on your children either, your DH probably just feels guilty about his mother going into sheltered accomodation and with sil nagging him, it cant be easy.
But just insist it will be too much hard work and with you both working ft you cannot see how it will work and it wouldnt be fair on your mil either.