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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my elderly MIL to live with us

108 replies

TrollopDollop · 12/04/2012 17:10

MIL is in her late 80's and always been old for her age IYKWIM. FIL died a few years ago and she lives about 4 hours away from us.My SIL ( no DCs) lives about 45 minutes away from her but their relationship is not great. MIL has always been independent in the sense that she doesnt need much day to day but very reliant on my SIL to take her out. For example, she wouldn't consider going to the docs or to the shops alone so SIL has been doing this since FIL fell ill and then passed away . I should add that MIL is not english (Iranian) so her english is not great and she also cannot read or write in english. When FIL was alive she depended on him to shop with her, pay bills and all that. MIl and FIL chose a quiet life and have never had friends or been very sociable so as a consequence MIL ha no friends or any social contact. She refuses day centres and alike.

We live in a small 3 bed house (2 reasonable size rooms and a box room) and have a 4 and 7 year old. We also both work FT. Suddenly MIL had got it into her head she should come and live with us. I am pretty sure SIL is feeding this idea but thats a different story. We do as much as we can. She has been in and out of hospital with various vague complaints recently (hospital keep saying there is nothing wrong and putting down to anxiety). Dh has been there for 4 out of the 5 last weekends and phones every day. Everytime he speaks to her she is moaning. SIL has been no where to be seen on any of the times he has been there and claims she always at MIL but MIL says otherwise (not sure who to beleive but not relevant for now).

I think DH is starting to weaken. He says he feels guilty about her and worries she is unhappy. I talked to her about sheltered accomodation but she wasn't interested. Theoretically we could have her (she would have to have the box room) but I know our lives will not be ours. She means well and isn't ean but is totally unaware of other peoples lives. She expects people to drop everything for her. For example, she ended up in hospital again whilst DH was there a few weeks ago, he had to come home to work (just started a new job) so SIL took over, she was discharged the next day and the first thing she did was phone asking when DH was coming down again.

I know she is in her twlight years and we should look after her. But I don't want to. It will be like having 3 children. I said to DH we wouldn't be able to go away for the weekend as we would have to arrange care for her(she hates people being in her house), wouldn't be able to have friends over and to top it all she snores like a pneumatic drill!

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 12/04/2012 18:14

I would be delighted if my mother or PILs moved in next door/same street (though I'll be honest, I'd prefer if it was on the side that would mean I could get to town without going past the window every time Blush). I would be horrified tbh if they moved in to our house - we have a house that is about the same size (no box room but only 1 child). How would you feel about having your MIL as a neighbour? Is there a local place of worship that is good at outreach and befriending so that she gets included into a network she might accept? Just because she was unsociable when she was married doesn't mean she has to stay that way, though it sounds like it would take some doing to change that.

angeltattoo · 12/04/2012 18:16

I couldn't agree more with some of the advice on here, i would have to say don't do it.

Realistically, your house does nt sound big enough - you children need their own space and will need this all the mlre as they grow. Also, you do not say but i suspect you do not have a seperate living room for her either?

If you had a larger house and did not work and you children were older (at their age they deserve/need your attention) then perhaps you could manage some arrangement. But from what you have said, i honestly do not think it would work and once she moved in, you cannot change things.

Please put yourself, your kids and your marraige first. Her moving in will change your home dynamic and as it is exactly that (your home) you will never get an respite from the situation.

You can suggest things that are supportive and helpful and reasonable and proportionate such as her moving near you and seeing her regualrly. SIL should have an equal say and do an equal share too.

Please do not think you are being unreasonable, and do not let your OH and SIL talk you into doing something mthat is not rit for you.

Kayano · 12/04/2012 18:27

Well If you wouldn't do it for your mum certainly
Don't do it for mil.

I wasn't trying to be inflammatory there

elizaregina · 12/04/2012 18:35

IF you get on with MIL, IF you can give her a little suite to herself, IF you can have home help for her then maybe!
I do think we treat the elderly very meanly in the UK. I love the idea of my F living with us - BUT this could only happen if above was possible,

As far as my MIL coming to live with us - I cant think of anything more horrific!

ENormaSnob · 12/04/2012 18:37

Yanbu

AnxiousPanxious · 12/04/2012 18:42

I think the only way this could work is if you both sell, pool your resources, and buy somewhere with a separate granny flat. SIL could contribute too.

But first you sit your dh down and tell him very very precisely how this is going to affect HIM and that you will NOT be becoming his mother's carer, that HE will have to share the load with you, I mean go on for about three hours and then put it in writing.

Helltotheno · 12/04/2012 18:47

Just to pick up on this sentence in your post OP:

MIl and FIL chose a quiet life and have never had friends or been very sociable so as a consequence MIL ha no friends or any social contact.

See how their life choices are now affecting YOU and it just isn't really fair is it? That's why I'm a stong believer in a partner not being the only person you have in your life. People should do their best to cultivate friends as they go through life and not expect their children to be filling in that role when they're older. It's actually very presumptious of your MIL to assume that you'll do this.

Don't be coerced OP. You're the one who'll bear most of the brunt of it. I'm sure you can all come to a better compromise.

LindyHemming · 12/04/2012 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyCamel · 12/04/2012 18:52

Does she have family on Iran? Would she be happier back their where she can speak the language and retain some independence? She must feel very lonely and isolated in a country she has never properly settled in.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2012 19:02

My brother thought my mother should live with one of us-mainly me! Because 'this is what families do'. He tried it and it was a baptism of fire and was much harder than he thought-my mother has breakfast by 8am whatever day of the week for starters!

ArtVandelay · 12/04/2012 19:09

Unless she has the means to move you all into a bigger space e.g. with at least her own bathroom and stuff and preferably in a granny flat or on another floor and ringfences that house for you in her will, if I was in your position, I would have to say no. You simply don't have the space to live in a civilised manner.

I hope that doesn't sound like I'm a money grabber - I'd be happy to have DM or MIL if I had the space (not FIL though - no way, sexist Grin )

ArtVandelay · 12/04/2012 19:09

I'm not sexist! He is - hence no room at the Vandelay Inn

chandellina · 12/04/2012 19:24

I think granny flat or sheltered living probably is best but part of me does think this is the woman who wiped your husband's bum and deserves some care and respect in turn.

AnxiousPanxious · 12/04/2012 19:25

lol at going back to Iran
(not a happy history or future!)

Miggsie · 12/04/2012 19:30

Don't do it!
All the stress and work and guilt will land on you, and just you...it would be HELL.

If you could extend a build a full granny annex consider it for 5 minutes, then say "no".

And keep saying "no"

etc. etc.

Original poster
TrollopDollop · 12/04/2012 20:17

Thank you all.

To answer some of your questions:

  1. MIL is Iranian but FIL was Scottish.MIL hasn't been to Iran for over 45 years and has lost touch with all family. It is complicated lets just leave that one to rest. Despite being married to a Scotsman and living in England, due to the sheltered life she has lead her English is not great. Although I am English and understand her but she would struggle in shops etc to make herself understood. She uses odd words in place of the proper words and has an accent. You get used to it after a while. To be fair thought I can't speak a word of her mother tongue so she is doing better than me!
  2. We have a front room and separate kitchen/diner and have contemplated her having the front room as at least the children can keep their separate rooms but I know I would really feel the loss of the front room. All the rooms are pretty tiny- the kitchen is a galley kitchen but we knocked half the wall out into the dining room to give it more space.
  3. Pooling resources is not possible as we are the only house owners - both MIL and SIL rent and always have. And unless she has been hiding money away she has no assets.

Agree with Helltotheno - Their previous lifestyle choices are now impacting on us. But I feel terrible thinking that way.

Also agree the elderly get treated badly in this country but now I am in the position I sort of understand why. Most of us live in small houses- at least too small to accommodate granny flats and so on.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 12/04/2012 20:30

I feel for you OP, and I know why you're having a dilemma about it, but there's no way I could agree to this. I love my PIL but there's no way I'd want to live with them, or have them living with me. It's just not a dynamic that would work. DP would have to choose between us! I think the only way it would be even remotely possible would be if we had an annexe, which we would never have room for at this place anyway!

I think sheltered accomodation is about your only option. Offer it up to MIL (and SIL) and tell them that you are willing to help find a place nearer to you. You could tell them that you don't have the room (which is obviously true), but this may leave you open to some manipulation wrt possibly moving house.

You and DH need to stand together on this one, and no waiver on it.

TidyDancer · 12/04/2012 20:30

no not

dreamingofsun · 12/04/2012 20:35

you need to think in terms of a year or two's time as its not fair to move you MIL to your house now and then again if her health gets worse. my mother visited last year and she struggled to get up the stairs; and couldn't be left for more than a couple of hours. this meant that i was trapped in my home; if you went out for the day you would have to arrange a carer to visit. she also woke in the night and disturbed the whole house, and 2 of my children were doing key exams that potentially affected the rest of their lives.

i work from home and the company were very good. but it was really hard if i was in an important tele conference and she needed the toilet.

i was constantly on edge, expecting to have to take her to the toilet/provide help and also felt like a prisoner. plus i was tiered due to lack of sleep.

the theory of looking after a parent is great, but you might find the reality a lot harsher - especially if you have to give up work.

sheltered housing nearby is definately worth a look

undercoverPrincess · 12/04/2012 20:46

I would have a nervous breakdown if OH even suggested this, I live in a similar sized house, how many bathrooms do you have?

MrsTittleMouse · 12/04/2012 20:48

It sounds as though everyone else in your family is only thinking about what the situation is now when she is physically fit and reasonably independent. As she is in her late 80s, she could well end up needing a great deal of care, very soon, and for a long time. A distant elderly relative of mine has dementia and is very difficult to care for, but has been going on and on. It's awful to know that she is trapped in her distorted perception of the world, and is often scared or aggressive, but sadly there is nothing wrong with the rest of her body and no end in sight.

Just because your MIL is in her late 80s, it doesn't mean that she couldn't live for another 10 years, at which point you will have a child doing A levels and a child doing O levels and with your house set-up it would be impossible for them to be uneffected. And once she is in your house, it would be much more difficult to get her out.

blubberyboo · 12/04/2012 21:12

Trollopdollop

I have done this - DH and I and our 2 kids (aged 7 and 3 at the time) moved in with ILs for the 2 yrs up to their deaths to care for them. MIL suffered with dementia and FIL with cancer. They too were in their 80s

it is tough but not impossible depends totally on your personality as to whether it would be successful or not and whether you can rub along together or not. You need to have a private living area of the house to yourself to keep sane. you seem to be having deep doubts so it may not be right solution for you or your family. it has to be something that you want to do not something that other family members want you to do to make life easier for them.
It worked ok for us and we were proud to do it - our kids learned a lot in terms of illnesses of the eldery and the importance of caring

ideally a granny flat or some close by sheltered accomodation will be better
Some points of advice to note:
when your family unit takes on this caring role you can pretty much forget about assistance from other family members - they will leave it all to you - plus they can't just waltz into your home and help you will have to ask. Plus they may feel like you are taking over the care (you can't win)

you will also limit the available assistance from the health service - as once doctors & social workers know you are caring for her you will get bugger all in terms of home help

(side note - is it possible she had dementia if she forgets ppl are visiting her?)

maddening · 12/04/2012 21:20

yanbu

but also address this anxiety - confusion over visits and the hospital visits could be indicative (for my gran it was the start of dementia)

Also - are there any iranian sheltered housing? My gran was also foreign and lived in a community from her home country - it might be easier language wise ?

auntpetunia · 12/04/2012 21:28

Don't do it... it would be impossible in your current home and how is her moving into your house when you are at work full time going to be any better for her, she's just in a strange house during the day all alone not knowing neighbours or anyone. I think moving to a nice sheltered accomodation nearer you is the answer where she can have company if necessary and is being looked in on regularly. My mum has dementia and couldn't live with us, my MIL would drive both me and DH mad and to be fair it would drive her mad..(i'm not tidy enough). YOur MIL needs her independance and your SIL needs to make that decision with your DH but the decision is NOT that she moves in with you.

Original poster
TrollopDollop · 12/04/2012 21:32

Dementia is a possibility but MIL has always ben anxious and has lots of long standing problems I havent detailed here. For exmaple, she is paranoid and often says people are talking about her, DH says she was like this when he was young and is obssessed with people being kidnapped even though they live in a sleepy village where you would hear about the vicar farting. Its all very odd but also very much related to her rather sad childhood and background. I shudder to think what would have happened to her if she hadnt met FIL.

bubbery - Hats off to you. Thats pretty amazing. I have to say I am not sure I could do it. I am many things but patient is not one of them.

OP posts: