to not want my elderly MIL to live with us

[TrollopDollop]

MIL is in her late 80's and always been old for her age IYKWIM. FIL died a few years ago and she lives about 4 hours away from us.My SIL ( no DCs) lives about 45 minutes away from her but their relationship is not great. MIL has always been independent in the sense that she doesnt need much day to day but very reliant on my SIL to take her out. For example, she wouldn't consider going to the docs or to the shops alone so SIL has been doing this since FIL fell ill and then passed away . I should add that MIL is not english (Iranian) so her english is not great and she also cannot read or write in english. When FIL was alive she depended on him to shop with her, pay bills and all that. MIl and FIL chose a quiet life and have never had friends or been very sociable so as a consequence MIL ha no friends or any social contact. She refuses day centres and alike.

We live in a small 3 bed house (2 reasonable size rooms and a box room) and have a 4 and 7 year old. We also both work FT. Suddenly MIL had got it into her head she should come and live with us. I am pretty sure SIL is feeding this idea but thats a different story. We do as much as we can. She has been in and out of hospital with various vague complaints recently (hospital keep saying there is nothing wrong and putting down to anxiety). Dh has been there for 4 out of the 5 last weekends and phones every day. Everytime he speaks to her she is moaning. SIL has been no where to be seen on any of the times he has been there and claims she always at MIL but MIL says otherwise (not sure who to beleive but not relevant for now).

I think DH is starting to weaken. He says he feels guilty about her and worries she is unhappy. I talked to her about sheltered accomodation but she wasn't interested. Theoretically we could have her (she would have to have the box room) but I know our lives will not be ours. She means well and isn't ean but is totally unaware of other peoples lives. She expects people to drop everything for her. For example, she ended up in hospital again whilst DH was there a few weeks ago, he had to come home to work (just started a new job) so SIL took over, she was discharged the next day and the first thing she did was phone asking when DH was coming down again.

I know she is in her twlight years and we should look after her. But I don't want to. It will be like having 3 children. I said to DH we wouldn't be able to go away for the weekend as we would have to arrange care for her(she hates people being in her house), wouldn't be able to have friends over and to top it all she snores like a pneumatic drill!

You sound pretty judgmental yourself newgirl. I have a small house and work ft so she would be alone from 8 to 5.30. I don't dislike my mil but through no fault if her own she has lots of problems which would make living with her difficult. It would be impractical for her as she would still be alone and impractical for us do to space issues.if I was heartless wouldn't be on here and considering it. Anyway Thanks to all the advice particularly those who have been through it. I filled in the forms for sheltered housing last night but near us as we would be far more involved with MIL than SIL want to be.

I agree Euphemia-I am not going to have my DCs look after me so I think about it now.

OP needs to consider what her MIL is going to do. How is she going to meet friends? Will she need transporting everywhere-have you room for her friends to come around or she going to be completely isolated and just rely on family.

My mother has had 2 weeks here, we have taken her out quite a lot-not easy as we need wheelchair in car etc. and we have to choose the venue carefully. We have had to spend evenings being sociable with her-she isn't a great TV watcher. It has been lovely-BECAUSE it is for 2 weeks. It would drive me scatty all the time. She doesn't like the computer-'I waste time'-she won't say so now-or not often but she will give me 'the look'.

It is much better all round to have our distance and enjoy the time together.

She also wants meals at set times-another thing that isn't easy and there are certain things that I do a lot which she doesn't like.

I am on no doubt that MIL would not make friends and would rely on us for social contact. That I don't mind. She has never don't anything alone she has always been nervous. Even in her younger days she was incapable of getting on a bus into town alone. It's complicated as a lot of it is down to het background, the fact that English is not her first language and that FIL however well meaning did nothing to make her independent. In reality we would be her only contact and would need to take her to all appointment etc. That is fine except she is not in anyway understanding of work commitments etc. Anyway let's see how the application goes but I think it will be a long wait.

Excuse my typos. i phone.

I think you've made a good decision, it also might be worth seeing if you can find any Iranian societies in the UK you can contact on her behalf, they might have senior citzen groups (I know some ex-pat groups do monthly lunches for retired people), this might help her make friends without the language barrier. As she ages, they might be able to find care homes with workers who speak her language/have other residents who do so she wouldn't be so isolated, it's worth remembering that as dementia sets in, second languages often go, so her English might get worst with age, making her more isolated.

OP - I think you have made a good first step in sorting out app forms for sheltered housing.

My GM was in sheltered housing for a few years and it was great. Lovely brand new flat, assistanct on tap. I would have lived there myself!

My PIL are 'old' - in years and health. i don't know what is going to happen to them. Me and DP have had the discussions often, and have not come to any conclusion. I don't think either of them would cope alone once the other has passed away? I am not good at sharing my space - so I doubt they would be living with us. DP agrees.

My DM is not so old, but she has always said that she will never come to live with any of her DC - she says we have to put her in a home. fair enough! I can see her pov - she would feel a burden and in the way. Whatever - she is only in early 60s so will see.

I think the OP situation wouldn't work - to comfortably accommodate another adult - you need a seperate living quarters for them. Plus time during the day. Plus care for when the family want to go on holidays. there is so much to factor in. I can see how it can work for some families, but not this one.

Hope it soon gets resolved OP

my mum has my gran and its hard work. She's been told its too late to 'back track' and put gran into sheltered accomodation once she moves in with a relative. So please consider that, once she stays with you there's really no going back.

I speak as a grandmother and great-grand-mother. I don't think my children owe me anything - as far as I am concerned unconditional love goes down the generations and if your children and GC love you that is a bonus.
I think you should put your own children first - when they are older they will need their own rooms and to have friends to visit. How would your MIL deal with noisy music, and teenagers coming and going? What about when you have friends to visit? Can you afford to give up work when she needs more help (and I'll bet it would be you, not her son, who would be expected to care for her).

I have the opposite problem - I am extremely fit and walk for hours, alone, up steep mountain paths (I live in the French Alps) and also take a least one holiday a year in tropical water so I can snorkel on coral. I am 71 and as my mother was ballroom dancing until she was in her late 80's I am hoping to stay independent for another 15 years at least. My DD and her DH in New Zealand worry about me and want me to move to a cottage in their large (two acres) garden. We all get on very well, but I relish my independence and don't want my daughter 'keeping an eye' on me. I wouldn't dream of actually moving in with them - when the last of their six children leaves home in five years I think they should have their house to themselves after 28 years of child rearing. I spend six weeks a year (in the NZ Summer) with them but we all know it is temporary and I am not willing to risk our lovely relationship by sharing their home.

my husband's aunt is in sheltered and she loves it. much prefers it to staying at her SIL's which didn't work out at all. its her flat, she has people around to help all the time if she needs them, it has the facilities she needs and she can make friends if she so wishes.

it also enables her to be independant and look after herself as much as possible. this has proved much better than being in someone else's home with their rules etc

Op - can you look around your area at the different sheltered housing? We have a few different blocks in the three towns surrounding us and I have for work purposes visited several - though a few years back.

I would say that they are not all the same and not run all the same and if I was looking for an elderly relative I would want to visit and see the layout and what it was like so that I knew where would be best for the needs of the person.

Thanks unbeliever. You are an inspiration.

Yes I will look round the sheltered accommodation. But my MIL lives in a council house so I have applied to my council housing list. They said we will be able to see before she commits but in reality not sure how choose we can afford to be as its not private. We will of course make sure its as right as possible but may have to compromise on how close. They don't come up that often apparently. Still its got to be better than the current 4 hours away.

someone's mum i know ended up in some of the nicest sheltered accommodation around (more expensive than many paying people could afford) and this was done via the council as she had previously been in a council house. so don't assume she will end up with any old tat as i think the council may be fussier about which private sheltered they choose.

If and when she does move you will need to make sure that she knows she can't just phone every single time she needs something.

Think ahead to pre empt her and think about how her weekly shopping will be done, how her trip to the gp will be sorted etc.

It may be easier to get shopping online for her and then they deliver it to your house with your shopping and you take it round to her flat.

I used to take my grandma every week to Sainsbury - she wouldn't shop elsewhere, then to the post office for her pension, then to the gp if she needed (I would make the appointment for the same day as the shopping trip) and then we would go out for lunch (grandma paid she liked the outing)

Start as you mean to go on

Please, please don't do it. I have had my 91 year old mum live with our family for 11 years now and it's very, very hard. I wasn't prepared for how much she irritates me every day. My home and life are not my own any more and our house is governed by her needs and routine with her regular nurse home visits to dress her ulcerated legs. From being a relatively independent, pleasant woman she has regressed into a grumpy, intolerant old woman who wants to be involved with absolutely everything husband and i do, is cranky and awkward, and has an opinion about virtually everything. It's crap tbh. I have a teenage daughters too who find it hard. Don't do it! It will alter your relationship with her x

i'd love to live with my daughter and son in law. i love them! but i can't see it happening and there's another thirty years to plod through before i'll even get the chance!

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time Avalon85. I read your thread on relatioships and it has put me off.

So so sorry Trollopdollop. Didn't want to be negative but I know how it's affected us and I am lucky to have such a strong marriage regardless. But it's a constant, ongoing commitment that you never have a break from. We are all trying to pluck up the courage to say we are taking a holiday in the summer (with inlaws on granny-sitting duty) but we are still trying to find the right time when we will be able to cope with the inevitable sulk and sniffy attitude to come. I feel that no matter what i do, I'm always short-changing my family and husband tells me not to care so much and go ahead and do my thing, regardless, but, in reality, it ain't that easy. Good luck whatever you decide to do x

My MIL did this for her MIL and regretted it, not because she was unloving or cared about the trouble, but because she came to realise that growing up in the shadow of an anxious and dominating elderly lady was affecting her son badly, to the point where he was turning into an anxious and nervous child. MIL felt torn by her two duties and in the end had to make other arrangements.

When MIL in her turn became elderly and disabled, there was a moment when both we and BIL/SIL were half wondering about taking her in ourselves. In the end, we (= mainly BIL) organised a care home instead. Again, not because we did not love MIL- can't think of many people I would rather spend time with tbh, but because we came to realise that we were not the people best placed to meet her needs: both dh and I and BIL/SIL work outside the home, neither of our houses is suitable for an elderly person (stairs/limited toilet facilities etc) and dh and I have a child with problems of her own which we would struggle to meet if caring for MIL. She could do better elsewhere and in retrospect she realises this.

Well said Unbeliever-those are my thoughts.
I also agree Avalon-even if they are not grumpy and cranky their needs dominate the house-they have to once ill health and limited mobility click in.

Well if she actually needs looking after & you both work FT, then it´s just a no, isn´t it?

But the fact that you work FT means at least you wouldn´t be at home all day looking after her.

TBH, I´m not sure that my MIL would like to be looked after by me any more than I would want to look after her.

It´s a thing would consider though, were the house big enough-pref. a seperate annexe!

No! You are doing the right thing looking for sheltered accommodation. My dh's gran was in a flat and it looked great.

We get the hints from mil and my parents. We have a new rule. No Spare Rooms.