to not want my elderly MIL to live with us

[TrollopDollop]

MIL is in her late 80's and always been old for her age IYKWIM. FIL died a few years ago and she lives about 4 hours away from us.My SIL ( no DCs) lives about 45 minutes away from her but their relationship is not great. MIL has always been independent in the sense that she doesnt need much day to day but very reliant on my SIL to take her out. For example, she wouldn't consider going to the docs or to the shops alone so SIL has been doing this since FIL fell ill and then passed away . I should add that MIL is not english (Iranian) so her english is not great and she also cannot read or write in english. When FIL was alive she depended on him to shop with her, pay bills and all that. MIl and FIL chose a quiet life and have never had friends or been very sociable so as a consequence MIL ha no friends or any social contact. She refuses day centres and alike.

We live in a small 3 bed house (2 reasonable size rooms and a box room) and have a 4 and 7 year old. We also both work FT. Suddenly MIL had got it into her head she should come and live with us. I am pretty sure SIL is feeding this idea but thats a different story. We do as much as we can. She has been in and out of hospital with various vague complaints recently (hospital keep saying there is nothing wrong and putting down to anxiety). Dh has been there for 4 out of the 5 last weekends and phones every day. Everytime he speaks to her she is moaning. SIL has been no where to be seen on any of the times he has been there and claims she always at MIL but MIL says otherwise (not sure who to beleive but not relevant for now).

I think DH is starting to weaken. He says he feels guilty about her and worries she is unhappy. I talked to her about sheltered accomodation but she wasn't interested. Theoretically we could have her (she would have to have the box room) but I know our lives will not be ours. She means well and isn't ean but is totally unaware of other peoples lives. She expects people to drop everything for her. For example, she ended up in hospital again whilst DH was there a few weeks ago, he had to come home to work (just started a new job) so SIL took over, she was discharged the next day and the first thing she did was phone asking when DH was coming down again.

I know she is in her twlight years and we should look after her. But I don't want to. It will be like having 3 children. I said to DH we wouldn't be able to go away for the weekend as we would have to arrange care for her(she hates people being in her house), wouldn't be able to have friends over and to top it all she snores like a pneumatic drill!

I can't answer this question. But - you have 2 children that are very much both yours and your dh. Who did the most of the childcare when they were babies/toddlers. If the answer is that you did the lion's share (which is the case for the majority of people) - who do you think will do the lion's share of the care of his mother?

Who will change the bedding if she becomes incontinent?
Who will take her to the shops?
Who will arrange/rearrange her nurse visits?
Who will take her to the doctors?
Who will cook her meals?
Who will have to change what is cooked because the MIL won't eat pasta/curry etc?

I was very surprised how my seriously unfit husband suddenly took up running a few times a week in the evenings just as it was bath and bed time for the children! Watch how your husband will suddenly take on an activity that takes him out of the house!

Yanbu, Dp's uncle lives in a fab place, it's an apartment but in a building with a 'coffee lounge' where they sit and do jigsaws, have quizzes and just chat, there are no staff except a manager of the building who is only there 9-5 mon-fri so it's more like a normal flat just he can meet up with his friends and has company. Maybe this sort of place is an idea?

Also, what makes me shudder is to hear my MIL speak "Oh, you wouldn't even know I was there...I'd just sit on the end of your sofa, and not say much. I wouldn't even need my own room, I could share with DD2"

NO,NO and NO!!!
You at least need to do it with someone who is realistic (thinking of poor DD2!)

My friend did it with her mother-fondly imagining she would have her own life. Within 3 weeks so gave up her car, wouldn't meet people or join anything and needed to be taken to all doctor's appointments etc. As time went on she became a danger-leaving the gas on etc.

If she is late eighties, I wonder if sheltered housing will be enough? I am thinking of my Granny, who moved into similar in her early eighties when she couldn't manage her own house any more, but the transition seemed to unsettle her and she went downhill fairly quickly and had to be moved to a nursing home as she needed help to bathe and go to the loo- sheltered housing wardens of course do not do that sort of thing- and not being in her own home had made her extremely anxious. Fortunately we found her a place with excellent staff and, once she got settled, her anxiety diminished markedly as she was secure in the knowledge of 24 hour on-site care.

Presumably your DH speaks Farsi with her? Does he know of any Iranian community or religious groups? If she were in a home perhaps someone might come to visit, like vicars and rabbis do?