Wedding question- who is U- me or the bride?

[angelberry]

A relative of mine is getting married. One of my children is involved in the wedding, the rest are not. All fine.

My problem is this: she has booked a place which is too small for the amount of people she wants to invite. Her solution is to leave the children outside with 'a couple of the dads' to look after them. What this actually means is that I'll be in the wedding watching DD be bridesmaid but my DH and other children will be waiting outside.

I'm not sure how to react. Most of the family seem to think it was a great idea. I thought it was bloody rude, but this particular relative has never been too hot on manners so I'd let it go. But my parents have just found out and are livid, wanting me to pull DD from being bridesmaid if half of our family isn't welcome.

Now, tbh, I don't know whether to keep the peace or not. There's no middle ground here, due to the nature of my family, it's a choice between going along with it or setting off WW3.

So, what would mumsnet do?

Pinkappleby, did you invite more than 80 guests? Just curious!

Anyway, thanks for all opinions, on both sides. I can totally see the bride's POV. I think a couple of people have hit the nail on the head when pointing out that as she is young and childless, she will really not see the implications of this. Not seeing the children as people with opinions, not realising how special it is to attend significant events like this as a family...I think she is being thoughtless rather than nasty.

To me, the ceremony is the important bit. I want to see my cousin get married, the rest is, as others have said, just a party. I don't like the way this has been done- DH hasn't been asked, we were just sort of told that this needs to happen and they're sure he wouldn't mind.

I think I'll go alone with DD, and the others will meet us later. This is to keep the peace with other relatives who would be upset by a fall out, rather than to appease the bride.

I do think she's being rude. When I got married, we made the guest list first and then chose a venue that could accommodate everyone we wanted. It was important to us to have our loved ones there to see us make our vows.

To those posters who are calling me 'selfish and entitled' or variatons of this...what?? What exactly have I done? I have moaned to a few strangers on the internet, and my mum! I haven't had a tantrum, or yelled at the bride! She doesn't even know yet that I'm bothered by it- and to be honest, she probably won't. Please tell me exactly how I'm 'making a fuss'! My mother will have whatever conversation she chooses with the bride's mother- they are sisters, and they speak freely if they are annoyed/upset with each other.

Anyway, the wedding is a couple of months away, but I'll be back to update you all on what actually happens!

Can you speak to bride and explain how you understand numbers issue but that as your dd is a key part of the ceremony, your dh and ds's are upset that they won't get to see their daughter/ sister be a bridesmaid and is there the possibility to make an exception for relatives of the bridal party?

Just what does too small mean?
That there won't be enough chairs? Or people will be like sardines?
Are all the guests attending?

Surely it would work better for the children to sit on the floor than to be excluded, or some adult might stand up?

At a friends wedding most people were standing and it was pretty packed, but there everyone was happy.

Sounds very odd indeed you either have a child friendly wedding, or say its a child free wedding.

I agree it's very rude - you don't invite half a family to a wedding, and expecting your dh to provide childcare for people more worthy of attending the ceremony is not on!
I don't agree he's not missing out either - of course the ceremony is a big part of being a bridesmaid - it's the moment your dd would be feeling proud fit to burst. I'd hate to be stuck outside at that bit.
I guess it's difficult with families (as in - you don't want to create a rift) so what you've decided is probably the best option.
But I would be very tempted to pull out altogether and say you'd rather attend as a family, so if the numbers are tight and that's not possible you'll pull out now, giving them plenty of notice. Tell them there are no hard feelings and wish them all the best for their married life!

I can half understand where the bride is coming from. She intends on having everyone at the reception, there just isn't enough room for the ceremony.

TBH most kids (who aren't in the wedding party) would be bored shitless during the ceremony. I know one of my neices fell asleep at my wedding (photographic evidence), lol. Men too TBH. It's not like your DD will be 'doing' much (bar walking down the aisle), which I'm sure your DH can watch for a min before going outside again.

Older boys are too cool to be remotely interested in wedding ceremonies (it's more about filling themselves with fizzy drinks and doing knee slides over the dancefloor) and any girls will be happy enough to see the bride going inside. (Gender generalisation I know, apologies, but I'm not wrong).

The bride won't see what she has suggested as being a snub, because she sees that asking your DD to be in the wedding party as an honour, no doubt, and it's not like she won't be feeding everyone.

YANBU. You don't invite people just to make them wait outside - how unhospitable!

How sad that there are people who actually think "It's just 1/2 and hour out of the day" about the ceremony, when surely, That is what a wedding is - the ceremony .
People are talking about the OP's dh being upset, I know when my dd was a bridesmaid, she'd have benn devasted and completley confused that her Dad wasn't there to see her / smile/ wave/wink at her during the service.

Its a half an hour for the DCs, not for the adults.

The ceremony is generally boring for DCs.

I thought it was the law that weddings have to be open for any member of the public to declare some legal impediment why your cousin may not be married?! So how can numbers legally be limited?

In your shoes OP I'd do just what you are planning - go with DD and meet DH and DSs after the ceremony. DH would NOT be happy to babysit a load of children like a Cinderella.

'she'd have benn devasted and completley confused that her Dad wasn't there to see her / smile/ wave/wink at her during the service.'

..and now i'm beginning to see why the bride has made this arrangement!

seriously though she'll be at the front with the bridal party facing forwards.the only time he'll catch a glimpse of her is when she walks down the aisle.He'll see more outside when they arrive and when they pose for photos.
'devastated and confused' Why? when we were little our dads missed schools sports days, nativities, prize givings etc because in those days Dads were at work and didn't have the more flexible family friendly employers of today.Were we devastated and confused? No.

I honestly, honestly, honestly don't understand how anyone planning a major event like a wedding goes along, books a venue, works out all the day plans and only then does their list of guests. How do you end up with a venue that doesn't hold the right number of guests???? Surely sane normal people work out who they want to/have to invite, count how many that is and then start looking for venues that can accomodate those numbers?

We had 75 guests, our list was "70 - 80, depends who can make it" and then discounted any venue that couldn't hold 80 for the ceremony and/or sit down meal. If it was a Church wedding and she had her heart set on being married in a tiny church she was baptised in/went to as a child, then ok, I'd understand it, but how the hell did she book a hotel wedding without anyone at any point saying "how many people will you be inviting?" surely when she had to say "I don't know." she might have had a clue that her way of doing things was rather bonkers.

However, having got to that point of booking the venue, knowing it's capacity, surely then when they must have drawn up a list of who they wanted to invite in order to actually post the invites, did it not occur to her/the groom to count the number then? Surely upon noticing that this number was more than the venue could hold, what anyone with an ounce of sense would think, oh hang on, perhaps we need to trim the 'whole day' invite list down as there's more people than places, some will have to be evening only, rather than send whole day invites and then uninvite people just because they are under a certain age causes more problems than to just decide it'll have to be a childfree wedding. The only way this could have happened without prior thought is that she didn't bother to look what the room capcity was until the last minute.

OP - I'd not be happy to be your DH, if the other Dad has to take one of the DCs to the toilet, it's him in sole charge of 7 children, are they all toilet trained or will he be expected to change random DC's nappies? And no disrespect to your DH, but are the other parents told that the "alternative childcare" for their DCs are a couple of blokes who aren't professional childcare providers (am assuming here) or CRB checked? The tight cow has saved on her venue by hiring a place too small, she can pay for a couple of nannies for the day.

from the op i thought she'd booked a pixie grotto.

all a bit weird.

A child will only be debarred and confused if you make her so.

If you make it fun and exciting any child would be fine.

I despair at how selfish people are - I wouldn't mind being asked to do this for friends, neither would dh. We would be happy to help our friends or family out.

Whoever asked me earlier - of course I am married - my weddin was a soppy as they come - it was also child free (other than tinies) - despite various people asking to bring dcs and pay for them - but the venue wasn't big enough.

And strangely enough dh and I wanted to get married in a place that had meaning to us for sentimental reasons.

I just don't get this - my fiends were genuinely happy for us. We didn't have anyone we didn't personally know in the day - that meant one friend travelled 120 miles minus his wife - but to invite her would have meant uninviting a personal friend.

Did she mind - no, did he, no.

I spoke to him to check it wouldn't be a problem and spoke to her.

He wanted to come to see his long term friend get married because he was happy for him.

I have a wonderful letter from miL praising our wedding, how thoughtful we were to our guests, how we went out of our way to make hebday special for our guests.

But that was because it was full of love and happiness, people we knew and cared for us, no begruding guests coming because they felt they should.

Weddings Are about the celebration of love between the bride and groom, not the petty wants of the guests.

oh and OP - you're not being entitled, the bride invited you and then decided to uninvite some guests for part of the day, but then still be there to look good in her photos.

Many venues hold more than the ceremony room - maybe they have the biggest local ceremony room but wanted to invite more guests??

My sister didn't have anyone to her "ceremony" we all met at the hotel afterwards.

I don't feel snubbed orbthat I didnt go to her wedding - we had a lovely day and she had the day her and her stress head hubby wanted.

namechangingagain - that would be acceptable, if she then hadn't invited more people than the room could hold and then decided to tell some they had to stay outside. If you have a room that can only take 100, you only invite 100 people, if that means having to leave out some random second cousins you don't know very well, not letting some people have 'and guest' invites or having a childfree wedding, then you do it. But you don't invite 110 and then tell 10 people they have to stay outside and then be surprised if people are offended that they aren't allowed to go to the thing you invited them to.

(And your sister is rather different, she didn't invite you, that's far more polite than inviting you, then telling you that you had to stand outside the ceremony room.)

Oh I see - so even if you want the whole 120 the reception room holds - and would love the extra 20 people to be there for the meal - then you decide you can't invite them in case some peoples sensibilities are offended.

Fwiw we squeezed 25 more people into our registry office than it would hold.

I the registrar had put foot down - we'd have been stuck - my friends wouldn't have complained and winged.

And do me a favour a 5 and 7 year old boy couldn't care less about the actual ceremony - neither does dh - the issue here is the principles

Plus the Op has made it clear the issue is missing dd sitting down for half an hour being a bridesmaid and not missing the bride and groom get married

Logistics of weddings are never easy - but some people are just looking for an excuse to be offended.

namechanging: I found your posts really interesting. I really wonder if people are as laid back as you think they are - or if you simply didn't/don't notice when they are bothered by things /or are the sort of person that people just go along with.

25 extra people in the registry office than they allow - did you pre book that or just turn up on the day assuming it would be fine.

Sounds like a nightmare actually - and pretty inconsiderate.

I would have been very worried about hurting someone's feelings by saying they couldn't be there. How would you ever choose? Why would just assume they woudn't mind when they'd made the effort to come.

Very bizarre sounding.

I'm bemused that anyone could think the ceremony won't be a really important part of DD's bridesmaid duties, probably the most important. It'll presumably involve walking down the aisle before the bride and all eyes being on her for that moment. It's obviously up to DH whether he's arsed about seeing it, but clearly missing the ceremony will involve missing DD do more than sit down for half an hour.

You'd be perfectly reasonable to pull out of the whole thing if that's your choice. The bride is not U to restrict the invite list but is very very U to dictate what non-invitees do during the time that are not invited for. If your DH and other DCs aren't invited to the ceremony they should certainly feel zero obligation to wait outside. Find a nice play ground or soft play centre nearby and DH can take your kids there (no obligation for him to look after anyone elses DCs either) and come and join you at the reception later.

Yes we pre arranged it - registrar agreed to turn a blind eye - and yes my friends are as laid back as dh and I - I think it's about hanging around as the same sorts of people as you.

And if they didn't like something they wouldnt go - they wouldn't go and moan about it.

I have been to a variety of weddings with them - from burlesque evenings complete with cabaret to camping at night and buy your own dinner.

Traditional White weddings to weddings in the middle of a rally field (legal part done elsewhere).

Each of those weddings was celebrated in the way the bride and groom wanted and each was welcomingly attended - ad a celebration o the love between the couple.