Wedding question- who is U- me or the bride?

[angelberry]

A relative of mine is getting married. One of my children is involved in the wedding, the rest are not. All fine.

My problem is this: she has booked a place which is too small for the amount of people she wants to invite. Her solution is to leave the children outside with 'a couple of the dads' to look after them. What this actually means is that I'll be in the wedding watching DD be bridesmaid but my DH and other children will be waiting outside.

I'm not sure how to react. Most of the family seem to think it was a great idea. I thought it was bloody rude, but this particular relative has never been too hot on manners so I'd let it go. But my parents have just found out and are livid, wanting me to pull DD from being bridesmaid if half of our family isn't welcome.

Now, tbh, I don't know whether to keep the peace or not. There's no middle ground here, due to the nature of my family, it's a choice between going along with it or setting off WW3.

So, what would mumsnet do?

No way would I have my DH and other children outside with DD being bridesmaid. The bride is being ridiculous.

But then I tend to go along with things. And bitch about them later on Mumsnet.

Hope it doesn't chuck it down with rain!

Civil ceremonies are quite short aren't they so shouldn't be too long.

Yeah, I've kind of agreed to it in stages, iyswim. I didn't agree to it knowing this was the plan, but obviously I haven't voiced my opinion immediately. It's my mum who's made me think I'm not actually unreasonable to be annoyed.

Wouldn't your other children be upset too?

I'm sure your dd is gorgeous, but it's like they've just picked the child they think will look cutest in the pictures, and sod all the others.

So you're close enough family for her to ask your dd to be a bm but not close enough for her to invite your DH and the rest of your kids? Yanbu and that is the most bizzare thing I've heard in a long time!

Depends on a lot of things. How old are the children who aren't involved? They might be quite pleased not to have to watch the ceremony or listen to speeches.

Well, tbh, my plan was just to take my DH and kids in anyway, sit down near the front and see what happens! But I'm a bit passive aggressive like that!

How old are your children? Are they too old for sitting on laps etc?

if the other children are too young/not bothered about dressing up and being something then it is not too much of a problem really. after all with a small one it is unlikely that you would be both in the ceronomy all the way through anyway.

Your Mum (and Dad?) deciding they don't want to go in solidarity with the people left out is one thing.

Them trying to manipulate you into pulling your DD out of being a bridesmaid and causing WWIII, is something else.

Is your DD looking forward to being bridesmaid?

why book somewhere that isnt big enough for the amount of guest you want?!! thats just stupid!!

i can see why you would be miffed and my dp would be uspet to miss seeing his dd being a bridesmaid.

i would go iwth dd nad let dh and the other kids go somewhere fun and then they can come along and meet you at the reception? make sure your dh and the other kids go and do something really fun tho!

Outraged, that's exactly it! She's the youngest child in the extended family, so they've done it for appearances. She is cute!

She's too young to care if I pulled her out, tbh.

Boys are 8 and 5. Wouldn't be fussed either way.

I'm starting to think alton towers for the 5 of us would be cheaper than outfits, hotel, gift etc. But I dunno if I'm brave enough to do it!

I would not be agreeing to look after the other children though if i as your dh. I would be taking mine for a treat and letting the bride sort that one out.

Agent, no, it definitely wasn't meant to be manipulative. Both my mum and dad are just horrified that she could be so rude, and want us all to drop out. My mum pointed out that this would help with the numbers issue!

or dh has to take one of your to the toilets urgently and can not supervise the other children for a time so shoves them in through the door to their parents...

Hallelujah, he's just said he won't be going anywhere to sit outside. He will happily meet us afterwards. Although he has pointed out that if he takes the boys to do something fun, DD will want to go too! He is right about that! So I might be going on me todd at this rate!

well you just cant mention it to dd, or do, ruin their plans for having a cute bridesmaid

I'm even more torn now, as lots of people have said, YABU, if it's only the ceremony it doesn't matter!
I agree with all you lot who say not to go, but the bride clearly thinks she's being reasonable, and it seems lots of people agree with her.
I'd like it to be cut-and-dry, please folks! That's what I posted for!

You could try framing it as being all diplomatic - say to the bride how you understand how it is when numbers are tight , so to help her juggle numbers and smooth things over with the rest of the family you'll help them out . The five of you would be quite happy with an evening invite, and you'll go out elsewhere for the day.

Then feign ignorance if she wants cute DD as BM - "oh, so you can fit us all in, I misunderstood".

Like that idea, Inertia!
Like someone upthread said, I think I might wimp out and let my mum do the talking! She has more 'form' than me for refusing to go along with things, so she's happy to take the flack!
She's planning a conversation with Bride + bride's mother along the lines of 'Angel said....but I told her she must have the wrong end of the stick, surely? You wouldn't be that rude?...'. And let them explain how it's not rude.

I think, for me, it would depend on a few things...

• How much I liked the B&G

• How it came about (that they didn't have a big enough room). Have they had their parents adding to the list of guests 'x & y MUST be invited darling' or was it their own daft fault.

• How much fun the reception would be for the boys. Most boys that age couldn't care less about the ceremony but would have a lot of fun dancing at the party afterwards.

I could live without seeing the ceremony if it helped the B&G out - a few drinks in reception while the boys play on their DS's or whatever, not a big deal (to me).

Well...I'm not desperately keen on them, if I'm honest. We all put on a good show, but it's a mutual 'tolerance' of each other. We were close as children, but a lot has happened since then.

The overbooking is purely because they like the pretty venue more than they like their guests. And it's not a small wedding- there are over 100 people. Including relatives from abroad.

I'm sounding like a bitch now, I know.

I wouldn't go. I think it's rude for her to expect the rest of your family to sit outside. I wouldn't dream of doing it to my friends, and if they did it to me, well, I wouldn't go, lol.

If she can find a warm room for the children, entertainment and a child-minder so DH can watch DD at the Wedding then boys that age probably wouldn't mind.
especially if a goody bag with a snack and some toy cars or similar was involved.
if you set up a kids room it might be useful for bored children in the evening too.

If her best offer is milling around with nintendos' I'd be miffed.